Good Story Description?

[cdbrunette]

Long ago, Vampires, Werewolves, and Dragons dominated Nazra and fought amongst themselves for prey. The land ran with the blood of the fallen and the weak... Until the Reckoning.

It's been over eight centuries since the Human race was pushed to the very brink of subjugation and driven far below the earth to live as rats, until a bold move by Queen Lesna took their position from the very bottom of the food chain all the way to its apex. Now, Lesna's descendant, Queen Reyna and her Dracgon-Knights face threats even greater than what Lesna herself did.

With the power of the Stars in their grasp and Lesna's sacrificial legacy backing them, the Alabastar Dracgons serving the young Queen must find a way to ensure the continued oppression of the other predators of the planet Nazra. Their position at the top of the pyramid has been secure since Lesna's reign. Their enemies, given the time to recover and plan their revenge, are all too eager to return the Humans to the status of prey.

To what extremes will the fallen go to once again rise to the top?

 

[Cathbad]

Wow! Epic!!

 

[The Big Peat]

I probably wouldn't pick a book up based on that, no.

The main reason for that is that the description is heavily based on the backstory and doesn't say much about the characters and who they are. It says a bit about what challenges they'll face, but its not very specific. I don't even know who the main character (or characters) is going to be. That's the stuff I'm interested in, not what happened 800 years ago.

Also, welcome to the forum

 

[Cathbad]

I probably wouldn't pick a book up based on that, no.

The main reason for that is that the description is heavily based on the backstory and doesn't say much about the characters and who they are. It says a bit about what challenges they'll face, but its not very specific. I don't even know who the main character (or characters) is going to be. That's the stuff I'm interested in, not what happened 800 years ago.

Also, welcome to the forum

But I don't think it's meant to be a blurb? If it is, then yes.. I'd agree, it fails. But I find it a cool story idea!

 

[Joshua Jones]

First off, welcome to the Chrons!

I am with @Cathbad here. I think it a really interesting premise for a fantasy book, and I am really curious how it will play out.

As a promotional blurb, though, I think it could be strengthened. I checked out at paragraph 3, though I was teetering on paragraph 2. I would try to merge all the backstory information into paragraph 1 and compress it down a bit, then have paragraph 2 introduce your characters and the stakes. You could then probably cut paragraph 3 entirely and end with that last line, which I think is really solid.

So, I think it is a great starting point; it just needs a bit of refinement. If you are interested, I could post a very rough revision for you to give you an idea of what I am suggesting, but you clearly have a pretty strong ability to write, so I don't want to do so out of turn.

Once you get to the required number of posts, please feel free to post exerpts of this on the Critiques page. Not only would I love to see more of how you plan on executing this, the feedback given there by most (myself excluded, of course) is exceptional.

 

[The Big Peat]

But I don't think it's meant to be a blurb? If it is, then yes.. I'd agree, it fails. But I find it a cool story idea!

I'm afraid that whatever the angle of the description, I still have to say I simply don't know enough about the story that will take place in the book and that from that angle, the description can be better. Does the idea have potential, are there things that I think could be interesting? Yes.

But potential isn't a good description. Chicken has the potential to be a good meal, but without being told how its being served, I can't tell you whether it will be. We're in the same boat here.

cdbrunette, sorry if this is coming off as overly negative.

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm a bit on both sides of the fence with this.
I really did think that it was quite packed with interesting notions and Ideas that lead the reader to a point of possibly wanting to know more. However I was confused a bit about how that might happen.
Here is why.

I'm not sure what or more specifically who this story will be about; however I suspect it will be about the descendants of Queen Lesna. And therein lies the problem for me.

Will this be a story about the present generation and their fight to remain at the top or will it devolve mostly to a backstory about how they got to where they are?

The reason I ask is because most of my buttons are pushed by references to the backstory.
...the Human race was pushed to the very brink of subjugation...
...a bold move by Queen Lesna took their position from the very bottom of the food chain all the way to its apex.
With the power of the Stars in their grasp and Lesna's sacrificial legacy ...

Their position at the top of the pyramid has been secure ....

Right now I'm more interested in the backstory and have no idea who or what the real story will be about.

Also there are some generalization that might not need be there like
a bold move
Without context to what that bold move is, it's only a teaser and one to the back story.

With the power of the Stars in their grasp...
Although it seems strong and interesting I have no idea what this might be referring to and no context for it. In a small way it takes up space though it sounds cool.

You have a great start and it does peak my interest in some ways, though it would be nice to have more about the real story and possibly the main character's role.

I have a fair idea of the backstory, so what's the story about?

 

[Plucky Novice]

Welcome aboard!

I'm going to echo the earlier responses. If this is a description of the story then with a few tweaks to bring some clarity I'd start reading. If it's the back story then I'm not likely to go for it; see @The Big Peat.

Is the book written? If not then I'd consider writing the back story (If it is) as the story. It sounds a more interesting premise. Having said that, I think you should write the story you want to write.