I lost my publisher so starting from scratch

[SilentRoamer]

Hey Tony,

I don't normally do crits but I just wanted to add a different slant for you.

The 1368 part of the opening feels off to because anyone looking into the sky in 1368 wouldn't be thinking about Andromeda (M31 otherwise known as the Andromeda Galaxy wasn't labelled as such then). Likewise many of the Astronomical terms you have used weren't used in 1368 and from someone with an interest in Astronomy and Cosmology (by no means an expert) it immediately threw me out of the story. Likewise the idea of light pollution was largely unknown.

The reference to Betelgeuse brightness also throws me off as there are a number of brighter objects in the sky.

These are just my observations and I hope you find them helpful.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

The 1368 part of the opening feels off to because anyone looking into the sky in 1368 wouldn't be thinking about Andromeda (M31 otherwise known as the Andromeda Galaxy wasn't labelled as such then). Likewise many of the Astronomical terms you have used weren't used in 1368 and from someone with an interest in Astronomy and Cosmology (by no means an expert) it immediately threw me out of the story. Likewise the idea of light pollution was largely unknown.

Wow, that is so important. I hadn't thought about the constellations not being known in the 14th century and I'm usually VERY careful about such matters. In my mind I thought constellations went back a couple of thousand years. M31, of course, is in the Andromeda constellation - not the other way around. The M is from Messier's catalogue.

I shall do some research. Thanks for flagging it.

 

[SilentRoamer]

Think I may have just muddied the water here.

Mixing up Andromeda Constellation with the Andromeda Galaxy. Although I think the underlying critical thinking is still on point (the mix of modern astronomical terms with the older setting).

As I said it was just from memory and I am no means an expert so there are probably other posters who are much more knowledgeable on this sort of thing.

@tinkerdan knows his stuff from the posts of his I have read.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

I shall do some research. Thanks for flagging it.

@SilentRoamer

Breathes sigh of relief. Orion goes back at least a couple of thousand years as does Betelgeuse. Phew! The Plough or Big Dipper was part of the constellation of the Bear so a change needed to cover that. Andromeda seems to have been named by Ptolemy in the 2nd century. So my timing is okay apart from the Bear. However it is Cassiopeia which is the W in the sky so will change that too. I always use Cassiopeia to give me the location of M31 so also confused the names.

Nevertheless, thanks for flagging it up.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

The bit about the light pollution in the 1368 segment made me think he was a time-traveler, as nobody in that time would lie there thinking about how nice it was to be able to see the stars without light pollution.

 

[SilentRoamer]

No problem, it just seemed to jump out at me so I though it might do so to others as well.

The only other thing I would note is the opening 1368 section now seems to want to connect us to an individual but we know this individual has no relevance to the story overall, so I personally preferred the original opening - just with a bit more tweaking to make it less info-dumpy.

Otherwise personal preference would be for less of a personal opening, or something to connect the opening to the proceeding story - maybe connect it using the same area or something like that?

Anyway these are just my ideas and you can totally disregard them. Less writing crit and more just my feels.

 

[Mr Orange]

this all jumped out to me as well as it seemed like the observer was thinking about the detailed star and system names which i didn't think they would have the knowledge of. which i tried to address in my "rewrite" by giving it a slightly more omniscient feeling

 

[tinkerdan]

See this is why fifty shades of Betelgeuse works here::

this all jumped out to me as well as it seemed like the observer was thinking about the detailed star and system names which i didn't think they would have the knowledge of. which i tried to address in my "rewrite" by giving it a slightly more omniscient feeling

::
Even though the man seems so irrelevant once you dig into his motivation and his deeper feelings he at least is fun to read.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

The bit about the light pollution in the 1368 segment made me think he was a time-traveler, as nobody in that time would lie there thinking about how nice it was to be able to see the stars without light pollution.

Quite right. I'd spotted that and it is now gone. Thanks.

"Elias loved looking at the crystal-clear night sky, picking out the ancient constellations. The W of Cassiopeia almost overhead, Andromeda nearby and spectacular Orion lower in the heavens."

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

the man seems so irrelevant

@Mr Orange

Yes he is not really a man - he is a mechanism whereby I can take the story forward. LOL. Don't want him to be a time traveller though @TheDustyZebra

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

No problem, it just seemed to jump out at me so I though it might do so to others as well.

The only other thing I would note is the opening 1368 section now seems to want to connect us to an individual but we know this individual has no relevance to the story overall, so I personally preferred the original opening - just with a bit more tweaking to make it less info-dumpy.

Otherwise personal preference would be for less of a personal opening, or something to connect the opening to the proceeding story - maybe connect it using the same area or something like that?

Anyway these are just my ideas and you can totally disregard them. Less writing crit and more just my feels.

Thanks for all of that. Decisions, decisions!