I lost my publisher so starting from scratch

[TonyHarmsworth]

The following two short introductory chapters are for a novel which was to published, but I heard yesterday that the publisher has ceased trading, so I'm thrown back onto my own resources.

What I am putting below would have been considered a sort of prologue A and prologue B, but, of course, prologues are no longer the flavour of the month. I have therefore shown them as two very short introductory chapters. They are only 700 words in total.

What do you guys think? The main story follows on from the end of the 2018 chapter.

SUPERNOVA
In 1368 the northern skies were as familiar to people as they had always been. With good eyesight, your view of the universe was as detailed as anyone’s had ever been.

Imagine lying on your back in the English countryside. You could admire Andromeda, the Plough and Orion. The blood-red star of Betelgeuse shone like a ruby in the top left of the astrological figure. To you, they would all look like tiny points. No one had any idea of distance or scale.

Betelgeuse is a huge star, almost six hundred and fifty light-years distant. Its diameter is a thousand times as great as our own sun. If it sat at the centre of our solar system, it is so large the orbit of the earth, indeed all the inner planets would sit within its diameter. It is gigantic and, one day it will explode.

But if you had been the person admiring Orion in 1368 you would have had no idea the massive star was collapsing inward at that very moment. It was turning supernova.

In a matter of microseconds, it collapsed and exploded in a process which created many of the minerals which are of such importance to us today. Gold, uranium and all the heavy elements plus many, like carbon, essential for the existence of life on Earth.

Unknown to any fourteenth century observer, the exploding star also produced an incredible pulse of gamma rays, gravitational waves and electromagnetic radiation.

The rays, waves and radiation travelled outwards at the speed of light. The fate of the Earth was sealed. In 2018 every creature on the planet would undergo a life-changing trauma.

2018
Betelgeuse lit up the sky like a second sun for more than an hour. It then faded, but remained too bright to look at directly with the naked eye.

Astronomers, like Doctor Geoffrey Arnold PhD, who happened to witness the event, were staggered by its brilliance. Electronic telescopes which captured the moment were ruined. Anyone watching Betelgeuse when it exploded, through binoculars or a small telescope would have been blinded for life.

Geoff Arnold telephoned many of his colleagues soon after the supernova was seen. This was an event of, well, astronomic proportions. Radio telescopes and other equipment were directed towards the supernova, gaining and recording enormous volumes of data for study. Astronomers all over the world had been desperate to observe a supernova close up. Six hundred and fifty light-years was really close, so provided a wonderful opportunity for research.

Geoff was worried about the gamma rays and other radiation which might be bombarding the earth. He set up a meeting at the Royal Institution for the following morning, with his boss, Dr. Justin Mayweather and several other top astronomers and physicists.

The next day, he boarded the 7.25am train from Guildford to Waterloo. As he took his seat and the express left the station, he could see Orion was about to set, still brilliant despite the sunshine. It was impossible to look directly at it and he wore his sunglasses. All the passengers were talking about the phenomenon and discussing what it might be. Geoff kept quiet. He was busy marshalling his thoughts for the meeting. He’d left his laptop at the Royal Institution the previous day, so was making notes in an old Filofax.

The Waterloo express accelerated through the Surrey countryside en route to the capital, but no sooner had it departed than our own sun, Sol, perhaps in sympathy with the dying Betelgeuse, ejected one of the most extraordinary solar flares. Eight minutes later the gamma rays and other electromagnetic radiation from the flare would impact with the radiation bombarding Earth from Betelgeuse.

In the instant those waves collided, 8.15am Greenwich Mean Time, every animal and person in the world underwent the most unexpected and catastrophic change for which Geoff would later coin the term, Mindslip. He and others tell of the trauma the radiation caused and how it affected their own lives.

Geoff Arnold is not a superhero any more than the other seven billion people on Earth. Mindslip charts his path through the disaster which followed. The fact he had some fringe significance in understanding the event and helping to resolve the chaos is immaterial.

He recounts his story as a new world order dawns.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think I've mentioned before that you need to read Wonderbook and Save the Cat. Please do so - afterwards, you'll realise some of the silly basic errors you're making.

In this example, the first section is effectively from a textbook, not from a work of fiction. The second section has no real sense of POV - it's as if you're trying to imitate early 20th Century authors such as HG Wells - the result being that the reader is kept distant from the characters and events, resulting in a weak experience.

You really need to read up on the basics mentioned in the two books above. You keep asking for feedback, you keep getting it, but you're not really challenging your own writing.

Don't let your ego get in the way, either - IMO you are nowhere near commercial publishing standards, and what you've said about the publisher you just lost makes them sound like a scam, so you actually had a lucky escape there.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

No, you have not recommended either of those nor have you been quite so unpleasant previously. SFF Chronicles is not a place to come to learn only to visit if you are already a competent author. Maybe make that clearer in your mission statement.

As a staff member, can I ask you to kindly remove my posts and close my account. By the way it was not a scam, they both took ill and could not continue the service. I had no problem with my work being criticised, but I take deep offence at you implying that I am a stupid enough person to be scammed.

You need to work on your people management skills.

Now go to hell!

 

[Vaz]

Actually SFFChronicles is the best place for competent writers to learn, and improve their skills.

Unfortunately tender egos seem to have a hard time taking some advice. Nobody is mean here, writers want to help and improve other writers.

You'd be better off dropping your wounded pride and taking the advice. Stick around, and learn a few things.

Edit: you'll never improve your writing if every time you hit a bump in the road, or get some critical feedback, you throw your toys out the pram.

 

[Brian G Turner]

No, you have not recommended either

Yes I did, more than a month ago with your previous Critique piece - here you go:
A first draft of half of chapter one of a new novel.

Everyone has made every effort to try and help you understand the publishing industry, but you've stumbled from thread to thread without making any apparent attempt to learn anything.

It reached the point of me arguing with other staff that you should be allowed to post previously self-published work in the Critiques section - normally not allowed - on the grounds that you were looking for critical feedback rather than self-promotion. In that way we might finally be able to help you.

As for the publisher - unless I'm mistaken, this is the one you said approached after you self-published on Amazon, and I don't know of any reputable publisher who does that in the absence of significant sales. As you only had a single review, that suggested neither your audience nor sales would have been enough to get their notice. Like I said, whatever reason for them closing down, you had a lucky escape, because they could have taken all rights to your work with them.

In the meantime, I can remove your outburst - I can certainly forgive that - but if you really want to learn to grow as a writer you really need to make the effort to learn. You've said before that you don't have the time to, but you really have no option if you're serious about writing.

Also, I accept Critiques can be a hard place. But again, learning to work with criticism is part of the business.

 

[Dan Jones]

Tony, I quite liked it. It has an old-fashioned charm that harkens back to the days of classical sci-fi, and lo-fi movies with excitable, Pathé style voiceovers. If that's the mood you're going for in these opening salvos, then I think it's on point.

To extrapolate that, I don't think you need to worry about POV here. It's obviously in omniscient, and that's fine. It's also well-written and clear; I had no problem reading to the end and didn't trip up anything, with a few exceptions (see below).

However, there are still some areas where I'd look to tighten things up. It is slightly waffly and info-dumpy, and arguably gives us more information than we need.

The very first paragraph reads quite awkwardly, and I'd be tempted to do away with it entirely. Possibly even the first section, although starting from paragraph 2 does set up the voice of the piece nicely.

One thing I will say is that because it feels a bit old-fashioned, don't expect it to be fashionable (QED). Industry folks in particular might turn their noses up at it, though you could well find an audience for this if you SP.

Sorry for brief answers, am typing on my phone on the train. But keep it up!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It's very hard to know if your publisher was a scam unless we know who they are? Now the deal is not going ahead can you share that? Some publishers don't mean to scam but are still not a safe place for your book - if we know, we can help check that out.

 

[Appello]

They say when you finish writing your story you should go back and delete the first three chapters, because it will mostly be waffle and introductory fluffing about that doesn't need to make it into the final, more polished edition. In the case of this piece, I would certainly agree. It reads like something you as the writer need to know to flesh out your world and characters, but the reader doesn't.

'Kill your darlings,' as Stephen King says. You might be personally fascinated by the mechanical workings of the galactic universe, but Brian is right that the first 'chapter' feels like an excerpt from a textbook I might have reluctantly flipped through in my year 9 science class. When you really think about it, if the crux of your story is a world-altering sci-fi event ala Day of the Triffids, you really don't need to get into the scientific specifics of a supernova, and certainly not as the opening chapter. That stuff can come up later if it has any relevance to the main story but, to be perfectly frank, who cares? It's much more interesting (and important) to dive straight into the character experience. Not to mention that if you are going for a modern dystopic vibe then harking back to 1368 at the beginning of your story makes no sense.

The second chapter is better but could still be cut entirely without detriment to the story. Why not start the story with your MC bursting into the office in a frenzied panic to meet the other scientists? What relevance does his being on a train commuting to work without his laptop have to the long term plottings of the story?

You also have quite a passive narrative voice which can work, but you need to be constantly alert to your character's sensory experience, in order to keep the reader engaged and in the story. This should include all five physical senses as well as an awareness of internal emotional reactions, even if vague. The character himself might not know exactly how he feels, but the reader should know, or at least get a very strong sense. I hope that makes sense. In this excerpt, you do far too much telling - telling us that your MC was staggered, telling us he phoned other scientists, telling us he is worried, and telling rather dispassionately of this 'catastrophic change.' None of that is shown and makes the entire excerpt dry and redundant.

My 0.02

 

[tinkerdan]

This excerpt is a rework of an actual published work that seems to be still available .
Mindslip: Mr Tony Harmsworth: 9781530611676: Amazon.com: Books

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1 edition (March 19, 2016)

And I think that this demonstrates one of the reasons we shouldn't put pieces of published works out for critique; beyond the fact that it's in the rules that we are not to do so.

I could be wrong about it being demonstrable.
I've certainly been wrong before.

 

[RX-79G]

What do you guys think?

Critique - you have some punctuation and other minor things that you might want to fix, shown in bold:

No, you have not recommended either of those, nor have you been quite so unpleasant previously. SFF Chronicles is not a place to come to learn, only to visit if you are already a competent author. Maybe make that clearer in your mission statement?

As a staff member, may I ask you to kindly remove my posts and close my account? [Unclear - are you the staff member?] By the way, it was not a scam; they both took ill and could not continue the service. I have no problem with my work being criticized, but I take deep offence at your implication that I am a stupid enough person to be scammed.

You need to work on your people management skills.

Now, go to hell!

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

It's very hard to know if your publisher was a scam unless we know who they are? Now the deal is not going ahead can you share that? Some publishers don't mean to scam but are still not a safe place for your book - if we know, we can help check that out.

Dragon's Rocketship - a small Florida publisher. Their failure has no scam implications to it, I am not naive when it comes to business.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

The second chapter is better but could still be cut entirely without detriment to the story. Why not start the story with your MC bursting into the office in a frenzied panic to meet the other scientists? What relevance does his being on a train commuting to work without his laptop have to the long term plottings of the story?

It is crucial to what happens to the main character immediately afterwards so it has to be included in some shape or form, as does the information in the first chapter. In fact I would call the whole of this a prologue, but I have gleaned from this site that prologues are out of favour.

 

[RX-79G]

Dragon's Rocketship - a small Florida publisher. Their failure has no scam implications to it, I am not naive when it comes to business.

Why do you think they selected your book for publication? That's why folks are concerned that it is a scam.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

This excerpt is a rework of an actual published work that seems to be still available .
Mindslip: Mr Tony Harmsworth: 9781530611676: Amazon.com: Books

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1 edition (March 19, 2016)

And I think that this demonstrates one of the reasons we shouldn't put pieces of published works out for critique; beyond the fact that it's in the rules that we are not to do so.

I could be wrong about it being demonstrable.
I've certainly been wrong before.

You are not wrong except that it has not been available to purchase since I signed with Dragon's Rocketship. I did not know, however, that it continues to appear on sales sites. When you try to buy it you will be told it is not available. This is why I was starting from scratch with a complete rewrite.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It is crucial to what happens to the main character immediately afterwards so it has to be included in some shape or form, as does the information in the first chapter. In fact I would call the whole of this a prologue, but I have gleaned from this site that prologues are out of favour.

It's not just on this site - they top agent and publisher's lists of most hated openings. But some prologues are fine - it's the sort that are used to give backstory or to info dump which are frowned upon most.

 

[Montero]

On the subject of critique, I've not read the other thread. I read the sample in this thread and while I think the content is intriguing, and the scope of it, I find the prose offputting, particularly the opening paragraph.

"SUPERNOVA
In 1368 the northern skies were as familiar to people as they had always been. With good eyesight, your view of the universe was as detailed as anyone’s had ever been."

I find it rather wordy and am especially put off by the verb tense and I dislike two short sentences, both ending with a variant on "had been".

I was also wondering whether you were implying that without modern light pollution, you had a better view of the sky than you do now.

I'd be looking at condensing it to one sentence - here is a rough attempt as an illustration - not an instruction to use my words!

In 1368 the night skies were clearly visible to anyone with good eyesight. You could lie on your back etc

Since you are detailing the various stars in the next paragraph, I think mention of the universe is redundant.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Critique - you have some punctuation and other minor things that you might want to fix, shown in bold

Some light breaks through the dark.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Actually SFFChronicles is the best place for competent writers to learn, and improve their skills.

Unfortunately tender egos seem to have a hard time taking some advice. Nobody is mean here, writers want to help and improve other writers.

You'd be better off dropping your wounded pride and taking the advice. Stick around, and learn a few things.

Edit: you'll never improve your writing if every time you hit a bump in the road, or get some critical feedback, you throw your toys out the pram.

This is exactly the problem. The first sentence implies writers wanting to improve their competence should not apply - that is the very impression I now have of the site. The remainder invents wounded pride and egotistical problems. It is difficult to learn a few things when you are in fear of asking anything. The whole point is not that toys were thrown out of the pram because of critical feedback, but because of the lack of it. Your reply is a prime example - there is nothing within it to do with my writing, just being unnecessary unpleasant about my supposed character.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

As for the publisher - unless I'm mistaken, this is the one you said approached after you self-published on Amazon, and I don't know of any reputable publisher who does that in the absence of significant sales. As you only had a single review, that suggested neither your audience nor sales would have been enough to get their notice. Like I said, whatever reason for them closing down, you had a lucky escape, because they could have taken all rights to your work with them.

I was incorrect about Wonderbook which is now on order. The other one was not mentioned previously.

I have no problem with my work being criticised and I am trying to learn from it. However, it is not acceptable to insinuate stupidity nor be unpleasant.

Writing a book is not where my expertise has laid in the past. It is a new venture. I've sold 2,000+ and 5,000+ of my two non-fiction works, mostly in paperback through tourist outlets and they are well received, but, as you say, my writing sounds like a text book - no doubt a habit I have picked up from educating people. I must correct it.

However, there are many types of writing. I have spent the last forty years scripting and staging exhibitions, multi-media presentations, lecturing, group presentations and documentaries. They have been enjoyed by millions of people (that is not an exaggeration). So I do have an expertise in writing, but obviously not novels. I am 68 and trying to learn something new. That is why I came to this site - to learn, there has been a lot to absorb and not much time for it to sink in.

What I did not expect was to find an education system where the pupil is personally castigated for making mistakes - mistakes which started with self publishing in the first place. I do not suffer from wounded pride nor am I egotistical. I do not deserve to be personally attacked. That was unnecessary. When the pupil is bullied by the teacher nothing is learned because the questions dry up - that type of education disappeared sixty years ago.

You have effectively frightened me off this site. At my age, remaining life is too short to have a sleepless night because of someone's nastiness. By all means slag off my writing, but when you make it personal, insinuating stupidity and an inflated ego, you have gone too far. I have mentored many businesses and business people over the last 40 years and good advice is often something that has to be repeated, without personal frustration nor making the individuals feel insignificant or demeaned, especially when it is actually nothing to do with what they are trying to learn.

How many others will come to this site looking for help and depart too afraid to ask a question? Only you know the number of members who don't get beyond their first few posts.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I hate to say this, Tony, but I've been on most of the big sff critiques sites from time to time and this is by far the most supportive and gentle. But it might be the nature of crit sites can be a little robust (Absolute Write nearly finished me writing, it was so robust). What really helped me was finding a writing group - it offers a different, more personal, form of support and tends to be more supportive in approach.

I, too, am a mentor and trainer, with around 20 years experience and, as you'll know, too, everyone likes different learning environments. For some, the rather blunter world of critiques is what works well. For others, it's not - I coach writers who learn better in that environment, some of whom don't like the crits approach.

Critiques is not the place where repetition of learning happens - it's a place where varied views come and it's up to the person being critted to sort through that information, take what helps, and ignore what doesn't. And if the same basic problems come up (and that was the key to Brian's crit - that structurally your work isn't working as hard for you as it might, and there are resources that can help*) then, on crits, someone, somewhere will sooner or later say they've already commented on that and don't want to keep doing so. Whereas a writing group might be more proactive at working with you with your opening a few times and really rounding it.

So, I wonder is it the wrong environment for you to get the feedback you need.

*Although, for me, the idea of reading a writing book to teach me to write is an anathema. I'm a pragmatic learner, not a theorist, and it just wouldn't work. But, instead, there are things like the You Tube videos of Brandon Sanderson, which are well worth a look at, or, perhaps, setting a series of practical exercises - I used the writing challenges here to hone my structural understanding.

On the other note - about your publisher. They look fine, to a point, but there doesn't seem to be much experience of the book business in their past (based on the Absolute Write thread, which I see you've been on) and that would be a red flag to me. But that's just a personal observation.