Warren_Paul
Banishment this world!
As you can see, I talk too much, so it's time to follow the tradition and post up another piece.
I had a real hard time picking out a section to post up - mainly because so many were above the word count and I couldn't find suitable places to split the scenes into partials.
Luckily I found a piece that comes in at 1382 words, which is still big - and I apologise for that - but allows me to ask an important question about character voice. For those who've read a section I posted up in Writing Group, you might recognise this as being part of the same scene but shown from a different perspective.
This scene is the beginning of chapter 3, so some context and character introductions come before it.
This piece is a traumatic experience from the PoV of a child - I apologise if some people find it too emotionally gruelling to read because of that - but my question is; does the voice come across as an absolutely terrified child? Of course, all other comments are welcome.
Thanks. I'm going to cross my fingers and step away for a bit here.
Shouting echoed down the hall behind us, and gunfire too. My Leg legs hurt, painful shocks attacked my feet. Mamma pulled me along, my hand enveloped in hers, nearly ripping my arm out of its socket.
Benjamin dangled from my other hand, my only friend. I didn’t care that he couldn’t talk back. I’d been so happy when Mamma had given him to me. He was all I’d managed to take when the bad men had broken into our house and forced us to run away.
The loud banging sounds of scary machines nearly drowned out Papa’s voice, barely able to hear him tell us to keep running. I had to look back, as if my body gave me no choice. Papa stopped and turned to face the bad men chasing us. He aimed his gun at them.
Bullets raced past him, hitting the wall at his side, and a light above. Sparks showered down around him. His eyes closed, his finger settled on the trigger.
Mamma pulled me through a set of double doors and I lost sight of him, but I heard the gun shoot, twice. I’d always been able to recognise Papa’s rifle. It had a different sound to the bad men’s guns. I didn’t hear the rifle fire a third time.
My chest felt like it was freezing. I couldn’t breathe, could barely keep going, but Mamma never slowed once. We raced across a large room, past the scary machinery and underneath a set of stairs. Only then did Mamma let me go. I hugged Benjamin, terrified when I heard what sounded like thunder. I knew it was the bad men coming though, and not a storm. There were so many of them.
Mamma clawed at a metal panel in the wall. It came free, revealing a small tunnel on the other side. A vent. But it wasn’t big enough. Mamma would never fit through it. She drew me to her, kneeling so I could see her face properly.
‘Listen Kateryn. No matter what you hear, no matter what happens, don’t make a sound.’ She shook me when I didn’t say anything. ‘Not a sound. Promise me!’
‘I promise!’ I cried, trying my best to be brave and not cry, but it was too hard. I was too scared. And then I was climbing into the vent.
‘No, don’t leave me!’ I said, when Mamma put the cover back in place and I realised she wouldn’t be following me. ‘Mamma!’
I peeked through the gaps in the cover and heard shouting. Mamma glanced over her shoulder. Then she left me. She left me. What little light the gaps gave me went out. Something covered them. I wrapped my arms around Benjamin and hugged him so tight it felt like he’d become part of me. His fur tickled my face. My tears soaked into it, but I did as I was told; I didn’t make a sound.
The heavy thump of running got closer, the vent rattled loudly in my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut. A sharp jab of pain stung my tongue. I’d bitten it.
The vibrations stopped, but the shouting didn’t. ‘On your knees. On your knees!’
‘I won’t let you have her,’ Mamma said. She sounded both angry and afraid at the same time.
The sound of gunfire cut through the walls, vibrated up the vent. I shook, covered my ears, gritted my teeth, tried not to scream, but it didn’t help. The sound was like being cut with a sharp knife, piercing me with every shot. It stopped. The silence was deafening.
Slowly, I lowered my hands. My breaths came in short, painful bursts; in time to my quiet sobbing. With Benjamin in one arm, I shuffled forward, placed my ear against the metal cover and listened, hoping Mamma would come to let me out. She didn’t. I heard nothing, felt nothing.
I ran my hand over the cover, feeling every groove that meant a gap in the metal and wondered if I could open it from the inside. It looked heavy. I pushed and the cover gave way a little bit, but not enough. I was too scared to try harder.
Suddenly, light blinded me and I threw up my arm to block it out. The cover was torn away. A shadow fell over me, amber eyes surrounded by a dark face filling my vision. His mouth broke into a smile that terrified me.
‘So this is the child that will destroy the world,’ he said. I shuffled backwards, clutching Benjamin, until I was pressed up against the end of the vent. It bent upwards, stopping me from going any further. It wasn’t far enough.
He reached for me, his large hand like a dark shadow coming to suffocate me. I swallowed my scream, swallowed my breath, my tears; the lump in my throat, and curled up into a ball, tucking my knees against my chest.
The light burst into a thousand tiny snowflakes. The ground shook, the room beyond the vent vanished, the man too, and then the walls of the vent followed him. I floated in a pure white nothingness, but my eyes were drawn to the woman.
She smiled, her silver eyes sparkling with sympathy. Her long, brown hair floated around her head as if she was underwater, and feathered wings sprouted from her back. Six of them, all green like emeralds.
She stretched her wings out, arched her back and the nothingness shattered apart, returning me to the vent in the middle of an earthquake. I screamed, covered my head and buried it in my lap, pressing my face against Benjamin’s fur.
Slowly, the earthquake died away. I peeked out from between my knees. The dark man was gone, the bright light was gone too. Another woman stood in view of the vent, looking at me. She looked pretty, but not as pretty as the brown haired woman. This woman was blonde and dressed like she was going to war. I thought she might be a soldier, but I’d never heard of a woman joining the army.
As if a moment later she forgot I was even there, the woman turned away. She left me, just like Mamma had.
I shuffled out of the vent. The concrete was cold on my feet. The loud thump of machines shook me, continuing their casual work as if not bothered at all by what had happened here. One by one, the people who operated them appeared from the shadows, but none of them came any closer. They were scared. I knew, because I was scared too.
My eyes fell to the bodies littered around me like a collection of broken dolls I’d finished playing with. Their skin was all red and black, as if they’d died in a fire. I flittered from one to the next, until I settled on the one most familiar to me. Mamma? My heart started to beat faster than it should, my tears came back, hurting so much more than before. Mamma?
I dropped to my knees beside her, shaking Mamma, but she wouldn’t wake up. My hands came away red. I stared at them, only just noticing the blood covering the floor; the blood that came out of Mamma. Mamma?
‘Please Mamma, wake up.’
She didn’t.
‘Mamma!’ I lurched up in bed, panting for breath. Sweat ran down my face, saturating my neck. Night closed in around me, the stars hidden away by the walls of my room. The village was deathly silent.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and calmed my nerves. That nightmare again. Every night, the same one. I rested my cheek against my knees and tucked them up against my chest. Fur tickled my palms. An illusion, I’d lost him. I couldn’t even remember when. So much of my past was a fuzzy blur; I’d blocked it out.
I’d lost all desire to curl back under the blankets, the feelings left behind by my nightmare still so close to the surface. My shift stuck to me, soaked with my sweat, making my skin itchy. I needed to get out of it, and get clean. There was one luxury I’d come to enjoy in Tūmau Ngiha; one luxury that would help wash away the bad memories.
I had a real hard time picking out a section to post up - mainly because so many were above the word count and I couldn't find suitable places to split the scenes into partials.
Luckily I found a piece that comes in at 1382 words, which is still big - and I apologise for that - but allows me to ask an important question about character voice. For those who've read a section I posted up in Writing Group, you might recognise this as being part of the same scene but shown from a different perspective.
This scene is the beginning of chapter 3, so some context and character introductions come before it.
This piece is a traumatic experience from the PoV of a child - I apologise if some people find it too emotionally gruelling to read because of that - but my question is; does the voice come across as an absolutely terrified child? Of course, all other comments are welcome.
Thanks. I'm going to cross my fingers and step away for a bit here.
* * *
Shouting echoed down the hall behind us, and gunfire too. My Leg legs hurt, painful shocks attacked my feet. Mamma pulled me along, my hand enveloped in hers, nearly ripping my arm out of its socket.
Benjamin dangled from my other hand, my only friend. I didn’t care that he couldn’t talk back. I’d been so happy when Mamma had given him to me. He was all I’d managed to take when the bad men had broken into our house and forced us to run away.
The loud banging sounds of scary machines nearly drowned out Papa’s voice, barely able to hear him tell us to keep running. I had to look back, as if my body gave me no choice. Papa stopped and turned to face the bad men chasing us. He aimed his gun at them.
Bullets raced past him, hitting the wall at his side, and a light above. Sparks showered down around him. His eyes closed, his finger settled on the trigger.
Mamma pulled me through a set of double doors and I lost sight of him, but I heard the gun shoot, twice. I’d always been able to recognise Papa’s rifle. It had a different sound to the bad men’s guns. I didn’t hear the rifle fire a third time.
My chest felt like it was freezing. I couldn’t breathe, could barely keep going, but Mamma never slowed once. We raced across a large room, past the scary machinery and underneath a set of stairs. Only then did Mamma let me go. I hugged Benjamin, terrified when I heard what sounded like thunder. I knew it was the bad men coming though, and not a storm. There were so many of them.
Mamma clawed at a metal panel in the wall. It came free, revealing a small tunnel on the other side. A vent. But it wasn’t big enough. Mamma would never fit through it. She drew me to her, kneeling so I could see her face properly.
‘Listen Kateryn. No matter what you hear, no matter what happens, don’t make a sound.’ She shook me when I didn’t say anything. ‘Not a sound. Promise me!’
‘I promise!’ I cried, trying my best to be brave and not cry, but it was too hard. I was too scared. And then I was climbing into the vent.
‘No, don’t leave me!’ I said, when Mamma put the cover back in place and I realised she wouldn’t be following me. ‘Mamma!’
I peeked through the gaps in the cover and heard shouting. Mamma glanced over her shoulder. Then she left me. She left me. What little light the gaps gave me went out. Something covered them. I wrapped my arms around Benjamin and hugged him so tight it felt like he’d become part of me. His fur tickled my face. My tears soaked into it, but I did as I was told; I didn’t make a sound.
The heavy thump of running got closer, the vent rattled loudly in my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut. A sharp jab of pain stung my tongue. I’d bitten it.
The vibrations stopped, but the shouting didn’t. ‘On your knees. On your knees!’
‘I won’t let you have her,’ Mamma said. She sounded both angry and afraid at the same time.
The sound of gunfire cut through the walls, vibrated up the vent. I shook, covered my ears, gritted my teeth, tried not to scream, but it didn’t help. The sound was like being cut with a sharp knife, piercing me with every shot. It stopped. The silence was deafening.
Slowly, I lowered my hands. My breaths came in short, painful bursts; in time to my quiet sobbing. With Benjamin in one arm, I shuffled forward, placed my ear against the metal cover and listened, hoping Mamma would come to let me out. She didn’t. I heard nothing, felt nothing.
I ran my hand over the cover, feeling every groove that meant a gap in the metal and wondered if I could open it from the inside. It looked heavy. I pushed and the cover gave way a little bit, but not enough. I was too scared to try harder.
Suddenly, light blinded me and I threw up my arm to block it out. The cover was torn away. A shadow fell over me, amber eyes surrounded by a dark face filling my vision. His mouth broke into a smile that terrified me.
‘So this is the child that will destroy the world,’ he said. I shuffled backwards, clutching Benjamin, until I was pressed up against the end of the vent. It bent upwards, stopping me from going any further. It wasn’t far enough.
He reached for me, his large hand like a dark shadow coming to suffocate me. I swallowed my scream, swallowed my breath, my tears; the lump in my throat, and curled up into a ball, tucking my knees against my chest.
The light burst into a thousand tiny snowflakes. The ground shook, the room beyond the vent vanished, the man too, and then the walls of the vent followed him. I floated in a pure white nothingness, but my eyes were drawn to the woman.
She smiled, her silver eyes sparkling with sympathy. Her long, brown hair floated around her head as if she was underwater, and feathered wings sprouted from her back. Six of them, all green like emeralds.
She stretched her wings out, arched her back and the nothingness shattered apart, returning me to the vent in the middle of an earthquake. I screamed, covered my head and buried it in my lap, pressing my face against Benjamin’s fur.
Slowly, the earthquake died away. I peeked out from between my knees. The dark man was gone, the bright light was gone too. Another woman stood in view of the vent, looking at me. She looked pretty, but not as pretty as the brown haired woman. This woman was blonde and dressed like she was going to war. I thought she might be a soldier, but I’d never heard of a woman joining the army.
As if a moment later she forgot I was even there, the woman turned away. She left me, just like Mamma had.
I shuffled out of the vent. The concrete was cold on my feet. The loud thump of machines shook me, continuing their casual work as if not bothered at all by what had happened here. One by one, the people who operated them appeared from the shadows, but none of them came any closer. They were scared. I knew, because I was scared too.
My eyes fell to the bodies littered around me like a collection of broken dolls I’d finished playing with. Their skin was all red and black, as if they’d died in a fire. I flittered from one to the next, until I settled on the one most familiar to me. Mamma? My heart started to beat faster than it should, my tears came back, hurting so much more than before. Mamma?
I dropped to my knees beside her, shaking Mamma, but she wouldn’t wake up. My hands came away red. I stared at them, only just noticing the blood covering the floor; the blood that came out of Mamma. Mamma?
‘Please Mamma, wake up.’
She didn’t.
‘Mamma!’ I lurched up in bed, panting for breath. Sweat ran down my face, saturating my neck. Night closed in around me, the stars hidden away by the walls of my room. The village was deathly silent.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and calmed my nerves. That nightmare again. Every night, the same one. I rested my cheek against my knees and tucked them up against my chest. Fur tickled my palms. An illusion, I’d lost him. I couldn’t even remember when. So much of my past was a fuzzy blur; I’d blocked it out.
I’d lost all desire to curl back under the blankets, the feelings left behind by my nightmare still so close to the surface. My shift stuck to me, soaked with my sweat, making my skin itchy. I needed to get out of it, and get clean. There was one luxury I’d come to enjoy in Tūmau Ngiha; one luxury that would help wash away the bad memories.
*
