Darius Blood: Introduction

[blairWitcher]

I was finally able to write something! yipee! but i still think that what i wrote for the introduction of DARIUS BLOOD lacks something... well anyway here goes the introduction. Any comment and constructive criticism as well as suggestions is deeply appreciated

INTRODUCTION​

Almost everybody normal human living in the virtual and technological era of the 21st century would answer you three facts whenever you ask them these strange question: what are vampires?​

​

First answer might be, “Its a monster!”​

​

Well, humanly speaking, they are correct.​

​

Second answer might be, “It's a horror figure!”​

​

Again, the statement is correct. It's a horror figure.​

​

Third and Final answer: “they don't exist”​

​

Incorrect.


In fact, what you are reading right at this instant was written by that very being that you humans believe to exists only in horror movies and spooky tales created by the creative mind to frighten the young and the witless. You might think of us as mere fairytale creatures but as of these moment, our kind as well as others like our kind have lived side by side with humanity for thousands of years. We were with you since the start of civilization, its fall during the Dark Ages, and its rebirth during the Renaissance period. We where with you since the beginning, living our lives like one of you despite our unique inhumanly desires and cravings. We share this world with you;Me, my kin and the other kinds like us. Who knows? Maybe the person sitting next to you as you read these paragraphs is craving for your hot, warm, salt – scented blood.​

​

I am Jake Alcain and in a manner of speaking, I am a half-vampire. I'll tell it to you straight: we do not drink blood , although, we sometimes have this hidden craving for it. Unlike our cousins and enemies, the REAL vampires, we don't exhibit such vampiric symptoms like abnormal blood loss, uncontrollable frenzy over blood and susceptibility to sunlight and Ultra violet radiation, however, we possess traits similar to our cousins: Uncanny strength and speed, Catlike reflexes and agility, amazing eyesight that we could turn on to either night or thermal vision at will and some special “ESP” sort of abilities. Unlike our “blood cousins”, thats what we call them Vampires, we have a lifespan that of a human being , in other words, we die at the age when humans are suppose to die. I am what the other kind would call as a DAYWALKER.... “a vampire that lives by day”......​

​

How I became one? That is another story.....​

 

[blairWitcher]

any comments?

 

[reiver33]

I always hesitate to offer comment as writing style is - by definition - intensely personal and you need someone as similar as possible in tone to offer advice on 'fine tuning' a piece of prose. Definately not me on this occasion, as I would find the vampire ethos difficult to empathise with (apart from Spike in Buffy). Thus if I were writing such a piece my opening line would be;

Nobody likes a smart-arse with fangs.

See what I mean?

Good luck anyway!

 

[BookStop]

Almost everybody normal human living in the virtual and technological era of the 21st century would answer you three facts whenever you ask them these strange question: what are vampires?

every normal human; would give one of these three answers; if you ask them this strange question

First answer might be, “Its a monster!”​

Well, humanly speaking, they are correct.​

Second answer might be, “It's a horror figure!”​

Again, the statement is correct. It's a horror figure.​

Third and Final answer: “they don't exist”​

Incorrect.​

I would lose the first, second, and third and final...and just go with the human answers and then the vampire explanation like: "It's a monster." Well, yes, to some(humanly didn't seem right), that is correct. "It's a horror...​

In fact, what you are reading right at this instant was written by that very being that you humans believe to exists only in horror movies and spooky tales created by the creative mind to frighten the young and the witless. You might think of us as mere fairytale creatures but as of these moment, our kind as well as others like our kind have lived side by side with humanity for thousands of years. We were with you since the start of civilization, its fall during the Dark Ages, and its rebirth during the Renaissance period. We where with you since the beginning, living our lives like one of you despite our unique inhumanly desires and cravings. We share this world with you;Me, my kin and the other kinds like us. Who knows? Maybe the person sitting next to you as you read these paragraphs is craving for your hot, warm, salt – scented blood.

'created by a creative mind' sounds awfully odd. 'as of this moment ... thousands of years' are sort of opposites, so I think you can lose the 'as of this moment' .Check for grammar and spelling.​

I am Jake Alcain and in a manner of speaking, I am a half-vampire. I'll tell it to you straight: we do not drink blood , although, we sometimes have this hidden craving for it. Unlike our cousins and enemies, the REAL vampires, we don't exhibit such vampiric symptoms like abnormal blood loss, uncontrollable frenzy over blood and susceptibility to sunlight and Ultra violet radiation, however, we possess traits similar to our cousins: Uncanny strength and speed, Catlike reflexes and agility, amazing eyesight that we could turn on to either night or thermal vision at will and some special “ESP” sort of abilities. Unlike our “blood cousins”, thats what we call them Vampires, we have a lifespan that of a human being , in other words, we die at the age when humans are suppose to die. I am what the other kind would call as a DAYWALKER.... “a vampire that lives by day”......​

How I became one? That is another story.....​

​

in a manner of speaking? I would say he is so you could drop that part of the sentence. Check for grammar and spelling.​

I think the idea behind your intro is a fine one, and it just needs polishing so you really say exactly what you mean. You do point out that the daywalkers crave blood, but then you say they don't drink it. Why not? Are they trying to fit in? Do they hold themselves to a higher moral code than the true vampires? If so, why? Certainly some day walkers turn out to be bad guys, thier human nature would assure that. If these are things that will be addressed in depth later in your book, perhaps they could be hinted at in the intorduction. I assume this is going to be a YA novel written in a light tone, and if this was on the back cover of your book, I think it would probably peak the interest of the audience.​

 

[blairWitcher]

thanks bookstop

I really do appreciate the comments. It's great help especially to someone whose new to this stuff.

a hundred thanks

 

[blairWitcher]

Darius Blood: Introduction remade

ok so Ive remade my introduction. Pls feel free to comment and suggest. thanks by the way to bookstop for his comments... ​

INTRODUCTION​

Almost every human living in the 21st century might answer you these whenever you ask them this strange question: what are vampires?​

It could be, “Its a monster!”​

Well, to some, Its correct.​

“It's a horror figure!”​

Again, correct. It's a horror figure.​

Third and Final answer: “they don't exist”​

Well... Incorrect.​

In fact, what you are reading right at this instant was written by that very being that you humans believe to exists only in horror movies and spooky tales made to frighten the young and the witless. You might think of us as mere fairytale creatures but our kind as well as others like us have lived side by side with humanity for thousands of years. We were with you since the start of civilization, its fall during the Dark Ages, and its rebirth during the Renaissance period. We where with you since the beginning, living our lives like one of you despite our unique inhumanly desires and cravings. We share this world with you;Me, my kin and the other kinds like us. Who knows? Maybe the person sitting next to you as you read these paragraphs is craving for your hot, warm, salt – scented blood.​

I am Jake Alcain and in a manner of speaking, I am a half-vampire. I'll tell it to you straight: we do not drink blood ...,unlike our cousins and enemies, the REAL vampires. We don't exhibit such vampiric symptoms like abnormal blood loss, uncontrollable frenzy over blood and susceptibility to sunlight and ultra violet radiation like them, however, we possess traits similar to our cousins: uncanny strength and speed, catlike reflexes and agility, amazing eyesight that we could turn on to either night or thermal vision at will and some special “ESP” sort of abilities. You can think of us as mutants like Wolverine or Spiderman (however, unlike the later, we do not squirt web in our hands, thank you very much.). Unlike our “blood cousins”, thats what we call them Vampires, we have a lifespan that of a human being , in other words, we die at the age when humans are suppose to die. I am what the other kind would call as a DAYWALKER.... “a vampire that lives by day”......​

How I became one? That is another story.....​

 

[ctg]

I'm going to be honest with you and say this reads like the Eric Brook's Blade. To me, half vampire with all the good stuff and no flaws is like the Superman. Therefore, if you want to write fan fiction, then do that and don't try to copy other people ideas. But if you want to really write Vampire stuff, then write it and make your character flawed. The reason is, that sort of stuff draws in more people then two dimensional character.

 

[blairWitcher]

Thanks for the comment. I must agree with you that the stuff im writing is based on known vampire stories and stuff already and i must agree on your statement that I need to make a flaw on my character. Im thinking about it right now and i wish that you could give me your view on HOW I SHOULD WRITE AND CREATE THE CHARACTER AND HIS HABITS, HIS FLAWS, HIS STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES, ETC...

thanks ctg for that comment...

 

[ctg]

Well, if you really want to write about the vampires, then do your research. Taking out their weaknesses is not a good thing, because you just create another Superman. Do you really want to do that or do you want to create something that is memorable throughout the centuries?

If you do get what I mean, then take a look on DareDevil. Matt Murdoch, even though he is a superhuman, he's very flawed and that makes him such a likable character. The people root for his weaknesses and he doesn't come out as winner in every turn. Sometimes he really has to go deep into the psyche and meet the animal.

When you write about the Vampires, then you really have to think about that side of the human nature. Werewolves are stronger on that side, but they are not alone. The hunger for blood drives Vampires mad, if you get what I mean. But you also have to think about what sort of people they were before they became Vampires. Give them history and use it to shape them as Vampires.

Not that many writers really write about what it is to be dead, but they populate their fiction on what's it to be a immortal. Highlander was one of them, but you might have sawn that he was driven almost insane by the loneliness that he faced in his life. Could you even think about that sort thing in 'Daywalkers' life? Because he can venture in both worlds without most of the people knowing that he's immortal. Vampires fear him because he's a freak, but you really don't see it in the Blade because of the way its written.

For a note, I do also write a 'superhuman' story but instead of making him oh so powerful, I drive weaknesses in him. I make him human and keep him as such a thing. In that way I can at least hope that he can take his place next to characters that live throughout the centuries, like for example Frankenstein.

 

[blairWitcher]

I can see wat you are driving at ctg. and I am thinking about what you said as of this moment.

I can see the point of what you are driving at and I'm thinking of rewriting the entire concept for darius blood. I'll focus on those things that you have pointed out and I wish that you could help me improve my writing and concept making ways.

I am looking forward for any help or suggestion that you could give me as I progress on this project. I also wish you luck and am looking forward to read your story.

thanks ctg!

 

[Michael01]

I can see wat you are driving at ctg. and I am thinking about what you said as of this moment.

I can see the point of what you are driving at and I'm thinking of rewriting the entire concept for darius blood. I'll focus on those things that you have pointed out and I wish that you could help me improve my writing and concept making ways.

I am looking forward for any help or suggestion that you could give me as I progress on this project. I also wish you luck and am looking forward to read your story.

thanks ctg!

Hah! Writing is the easy part. Telling a good story is where it gets difficult.

For instance, the post of yours that I've quoted here could have been written better, and I could easily show you how. As for the rest, I can tell you whether or not I like a story, but Ctg and others here are better at explaining how it can be improved.

Well, even the "writing" needs to be edited later, but that's mainly because you'll miss things. There are a lot of reasons for that. One is that you know in your head what you expect to be there, and that's what you see. So even in writing this post I will probably use the edit function several times to get it close to what I want.

I'm sure you get the picture. But you'll need to work on the writing too. Depending on what you write, it's nearly (if not equally) as important as everything else. There are exceptions, of course (like a first person narrative from a particular type of character).

You're already fairly good at developing a concept. You just need to flesh it out. Like Ctg says, research is a helpful tool for that. Um ... so is this forum, come to think of it.

Good luck with Darius Blood!

 

[blairWitcher]

Re: Darius Blood: Her Last Whisper...(rewritten Introduction)

ok so I rewrote my introduction after all those suggestions and comments you have posted here. It's an excerpt of a dramatic scene on the story. I hope that this would make a good introduction and would keep the interest of the readers as they proceed( once I finished it) with the ist chapter...

HER LAST WHISPER...​

"Jake... dont... leave.... me...."​

This were the last words she whispered to my ear before blood sputtered out of her mouth and the last puff of breath left her cold, blood drenched body. In not more than a minute, Kyrie, My beloved Kyrie,the only one that has meant to me more than anyone in this world including myself, the very reason that I was ready to give up my life fighting a hundred vampires in order to protect, is now a lifeless, cold mannequin lying in my arms.​

At that very moment time stopped from its unending flow. Everything seemed to fade to nothingness; the noise, the sight of death and destruction, the torn pillars and devastated walls... everything except the lifeless, cold body of my Kyrie and the sight of crimson blood splattered all over her chest and dripping from her lips. Her deep blue eyes show no signs of fear or error or despair to live, instead, it is filled with sadness, deep sadness of being unable to fulfill a promise to someone whom you cherished. Her once beating heart had stopped beating and her throbbing nerves and veins had ceased to function. Reality struck like bitter lightning into the very depths of my soul, striking me with the awful truth, try as I might to ignore, had already set in place... My Kyrie is gone... forever....​

“NOOOO!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as angry tears, tears of hate and misery, of despair and sorrow swelled upon my very eyes and into the darkest depths of my soul. Why, I asked myself as i carried her lifeless body from the ground, Why did she have to die? Why did she sacrificed herself and took that blow? Why, even with this ungodly power I possess, was unable to protect and save her from the clutches of death? “WHYYY!” I shouted once again, a failing battle cry of a warrior that had failed on something that had been precious to him more than life itself. I failed the one I really wished to save...​

“You are weak monsieur Alcain! Too weak too even save your beloved Kyrie from death itself!”, said a sinister, mocking voice behind me. “I despise you!”, It shouted cruelly, “Your weakness have proved you worthlessness for such things as love, Daywalker, you are only fit to die! Just like that poor girl!”​

Saying this mockery, my adversary laughed, a mocking laughter far colder than the blade of the sword he carries;piercing through the inner depths of my existence. It was my fault, I was too weak and loving; to compassionate and caring that I cant get myself to kill in order to protect those dear to me. I was too late... too late for regrets... to late to change the inevitable...​

“YOU CAN'T CHOOSE BOTH SIDES ALWAYS. REMEMBER THAT OR REGRET LATER”​

Amelia said that to me once... back at the manor... I was a fool to have ignored her words....​

Wiping the tears in my eyes, I walked a little distance away from where I was and settled Kyrie's body on the foot of a shattered, torn column. As I placed her body to her final resting place, I closed her eyes and whispered to her, “I am sorry. Please... forgive me... Kyrie....”With this final words, I turned back from her, facing the monster that had taken her life, taken everything and everyone that had meant all the world to me: dad.... Mom.... and ... Kyrie....​

Without another word, I took DarkHunter from its holster on my waist and rushed, at fullspeed towards the dark abomination in front of me; my eyes bearing the color of blood that shall flow to the earth any moment from now on. I swear.. I wont rest... I shall kill him....​

Well what do you guys think?​

 

[chrispenycate]

Re: Darius Blood: Introduction remade

ok so Ive remade my introduction. Pls feel free to comment and suggest. thanks by the way to bookstop for his comments... ​

INTRODUCTION​

Almost every human living in the 21st century might answer you these whenever you ask them this strange question: what are vampires?​

The "these" (referring to the soon to arrive multiple choice answer) is confusing. I'd even turn the entire sentence round (if I could be restrained from replacing the "these" with "thus" - you don't want to copy my style.
"If asked the somewhat strange question, 'what are vampires', almost every human being in the enlightened twenty-first century would give one of these answers." )

It could be, “Its​

It's

a monster!”

​

Well, to some, Its​

at least another "it's", probably "that is" would work better

correct.

​

“It's a horror figure!”​

Again, correct. It's a horror figure.​

Third and Final answer: “they don't exist”​

Well... Incorrect.​

In fact, what you are reading right at this instant was written by that very being​

I know, clumsy; but wouldn't "one of those very beings", or even "the very being" be less limiting? Particularly since the being in question is not actually a vampire.

that you humans believe to exists

either "you believe exists" or "believe to exist"

only in horror movies and spooky tales made to frighten the young and the witless. You might think of us as mere fairytale creatures but our kind

comma

as well as others like us

comma

have lived side by side with humanity for thousands of years. We were with you since

"at the start"?

the start of civilization, its fall during the Dark Ages, and its rebirth during the Renaissance period. We where

have been with you

with you since the beginning, living our lives like

one

confusion between singular and plural (we -one)

of you

despite our unique inhumanly

"inhumanly" would be an adverb rather than an adjective (we move inhumanly fast)

desires and cravings. We share this world with you;

no capital "M"

Me, my kin and the other kinds like us. Who knows? Maybe the person sitting next to you as you read these paragraphs is craving for your hot, warm, salt – scented

you've put a dash instead of a hyphen; and while blood is salt-flavoured I don't find it smells of it

blood.

​

I am Jake Alcain and​

comma

in a manner of speaking, I am a half-vampire. I'll tell it to you straight:

we do not drink blood ...,unlike our cousins and enemies, the REAL vampires. We don't exhibit such vampiric symptoms like

"as", rather than "like", if you want to keep the "such"

abnormal blood loss, uncontrollable frenzy over blood and susceptibility to sunlight and ultra violet

ultraviolet

radiation like them,

full stop

however, we possess traits similar to our cousins: uncanny strength and speed, catlike reflexes and agility, amazing eyesight that we could turn on to either night or thermal vision at will and some special “ESP” sort of abilities. You can think of us as

mutants like Wolverine or Spiderman (however, unlike the later, we do not squirt web in our hands, thank you very much.). Unlike our “blood cousins”, thats

that's

what we call them

comma

Vampires, we have a lifespan that

"the lifespan of"

of a human being ,

semicolon

in other words, we die at the age when humans are suppose to die.

do you need to tell your readers what a "lifespan" is?

I am what the other kind would call as a

DAYWALKER.... “a vampire that lives by day”......

How I became one? That is another story.....​

Your assumption that civilisation fell with the roman empire, to be revived at the fall of Byzantium is very European/christian. Were these beings concentrated in this corner of the planet, missing out on theother great cultural flowerings?

 

[blairWitcher]

thanks Mr. Chrispenycate.

You're suggestions comments and corrections are really enlightening and I wish to hear more of your views. I have rewritten my introduction and I wish that you could also critic/correct/suggest/comment on it too...

I wish i cud meet you in person and get to talk to you and learn from you all that you can teach me inorder to improve in writing fantasy stories but I don't think that would be possible as I am currently living in Asia.

btw I salute what you have said here and I promise that I shell bear this things in mind everytime I write. thank you very much

 

[Michael01]

Ah. So is English a second language for you?

 

[blairWitcher]

yes english is a my second language. My first language is Tagalog (Official Language of the Philippines) but I prefer to write in English since it's a universal language. Im a half and half. My dad's from the U.S. and my mother's a Filipina. I was born and raised by my mother here in the philippines bcoz my dad's got another family in the states. He visits us every christmass and halloween though and provides us financial support for our needs although we could stand by ourselves all alone. I wish he could be a more father figure to me but, as the saying goes, you can't have everything that you ask for in this life...

 

[Michael01]

I was born and raised by my mother here in the philippines bcoz my dad's got another family in the states.

That actually sounds a bit rough. I'm glad he does at least come to visit.

And my son probably wishes I provided more financial support...

Okay. If you prefer to write in English, then you'll definitely need to work on it. But I get the impression that you're still fairly young. Is that right? If so, it's my opinion that it's the best time to start writing anyway.

I do wonder sometimes how such a mixed up language got to be the most commonly spoken language in the world ... hmm.

 

[blairWitcher]

I dunno either Mr. Michael.

I'm currently writing the first part of the story and I have some questions that I wish to ask you:

1. should I start immediately on describing the main characters basic profile(like describing how he lives, his parents, his bestfriend) or should I start with a scene that emphasizes on the characters feelings like this:

"I really wished it was still summer. I never really liked Highschool anyway, not the kind of way it runs here, and if not for my parents and for my bestfriend Kyrie, I would've ditched it completely. Kyrie was and the only friend I had since kindergarten. She was also the only girl that wasn't "allergic" to my "loser virus". most seniors in my school, well, are jerks; especially Terry Bode and his good - for - nothing gang of misfits and bullies. It puzzles me sometimes: why would girls prefer guys who look stupid, act stupid and ARE really stupid?

something like that...

2.If you where me, How would you try to describe Jake?

thats all for now

 

[chrispenycate]

Oh, bother. See how long I take critiquing?

Jake... dont... leave.... me....
This were the last words she whispered to

into?

my ear before blood sputtered out of her mouth and the last puff of breathe left her cold, blood drenched body. In not more than a minute, Kyrie,

no capital "M"

My beloved Kyrie,the only

No need for " only" and "than anyone". "the one who has meant more to me than anyone"?

one that has meant to me more than anyone in this world including myself, the very reason that I was ready to give up my life fighting a hundred vampires in order to

don't need both "reason" and "in order to"

protect, is now a lifeless, cold mannequin lying in my arms.

You've gone into present tense (which is fine) but your next paragraph goes back into past tense.

At that very moment time stopped from

don't need "from"

its unending flow. Everything seemed to fade to nothingness; the noise, the sight of death and destruction, the torn pillars and devastated walls... everything except the lifeless

comma

cold body of my Kyrie and the sight of crimson blood splattered all over her chest and dripping from her lips. Her deep blue eyes show no signs of fear or error

is that "terror"? In which case it's unnecessary. And "despair to live"? it might be "desire", I suppose

or despair to live,

full stop

instead, it is filled with sadness, deep sadness of being unable to fulfill a promise to someone whom you cherished. Her once beating heart had stopped beating

could we eliminate the repetition of "beating"?

and her throbbing nerves and veins had ceased to function. Reality struck like bitter lightning into the very depths of my soul, striking me with the awful truth,

that

try as I might to ignore

it

, had already set its place... My Kyrie is gone... forever....



“NOOOO!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as angry tears, tears of hate and misery, tears of despair and sorrow swelled upon my very eyes and into the darkest depths of my soul. Why, I asked myself as i carried her lifeless body from the ground, Why did she have to die? Why did she sacrificed

"had she sacrificed" or "did she sacrifice"

herself and took

taken

that blow? Why, even with this ungodly power I possess, was

"had I been"

unable to protect and save her from the clutches of death? “WHYYY!” I shouted once again, a failing battle cry of a warrior that

who

had failed on something that had been precious to him more than life itself. I failed the one I really wished to save...



“You are weak monsieur Alcain! Too weak too even save your beloved Kyrie from death itself!”, said a sinister, mocking voice behind me. “I despise you!”, It shouted cruelly, “Your weakness have

has

proved you worthlessness for such things as love, Daywalker, you are only fit to die! Just like that poor girl!”

Saying this mockery, my adversary laughed, a mocking laughter far colder than the blade of the sword he carries;piercing through the inner depths of my existence. It was my fault, I was too weak and loving; to

too

compassionate and caring that I cant get myself to kill in order to protect those dear to me. I was too late... too late for regrets... to late to change the inevitable...


“YOU CAN'T CHOOSE BOTH SIDES ALWAYS.

does that "always" belong in that sentence? If so, perhaps "You can't always choose both sides"?

REMEMBER THAT OR REGRET LATER”
Amelia said that to me once... back at the manor... I was a fool to have ignored her words....

Wiping the tears in my eyes, I walked a little distance away from where I was

do you need that "from where I was"?

and settled Kyrie's body on the foot of a shattered, torn column. As I placed her body to her final resting place, I closed her eyes and whispered to her, “I am sorry. Please... forgive me... Kyrie....”With this

these

final words, I turned back from her, facing the monster that had taken her life, taken everything and everyone that had meant all the world to mead.... Mom.... and ... Kyrie....

Without another word, I took DarkHunter from its holster on my waist and rushed, at fullspeed towards the dark abomination in front of me; my eyes bearing the color of blood that shall flow to the earth any moment from now on. I swear.. I wont

won't

rest... I shall kill him....

Well what do you guys think?

 

[blairWitcher]

I'm sorry mr. chrispenycate. I hope you are not mad at me for that request. I know Im bothering and taking some of your precious time and I'm very sorry for that. I know you got a lot of things to worry yourself about.... Im really sorry...

dont worry I'll never ditch my english class again and I'll never ever forget proper sentence construction and tenses.