Darius Blood:The Concept (sorry about the incomplete former post)

[blairWitcher]

OK so hello once again. My name is Blair and I'm very sorry about the infinished thread earlier. I got a little technical difficulty with this laptop i'm using but it's already fixed. Ok so here's the complete concept of my first project: Darius Blood. Any comment and constructive criticism as well as suggestion is very much appreciated


Darius Blood:The Concept


Darius Blood tells the story of a Daywalker named Jake Alcain. A Daywalker is referred to someone who has acquired a genetic trait known as the Darius Blood, which is the 21st century term for a unique genetic trait known as “The vampire gene”. In short, Daywalkers are half vampire humans that possess the uncanny agility, speed, strength and intuition of a vampire but is not affected by symptoms of pure vampirism like the need to feed on blood, constant blood lysis and susceptibility to Sunlight and UV.
Unlike Vampires, However, Daywalkers age like normal humans and only has a lifespan of an ordinary human despite its abilities. Daywalkers, however could turn into real vampires if they are injected by vampire blood or drinks the blood of a vampire...

“Im Changing... I don't know how or why but I can feel it... Sense it... Something undefined is turning me into an entity of viciousness... threatening... Sinister...


And the worst part... I think I like it.

Jake Alcain is like any normal highschool senior next door. He flunks in class sometimes, gets bullied all the time and has secret feelings over her bestfriend Kyrie. Everything changed, however, after a being “clobbered to death” by school bullies one tuesday night where he was left cbruised and unconscious on a trash bin. He woke up the next day feeling odd and “transformed”. He thought it was all just a big bump in the head – until he realized that he could sense any danger coming his way exactly seven seconds before it actually occurs...

For the next few days Jake Alcain turned from “a punching bag” to “the guy who kicked Bailey Cragg's ass, the BullyKing, right outside gym class”.He was having so much fun with his “new found abilities”, until that moonless night came that changed his life. While he was having a memorable senior night with her bestfriend – turned – girlfriend, Kyrie, A group of vampires broke in and destroyed their house, killed Jake's Mom and Dad, and abducted her sixth grade sister Samantha.

During the funeral, a mysterious letter from an organization who called themselves “The Constantine” asked the confused Jake to “Move to England and Learn the answer to your most befuddling questions."
At first, Jake refused, but he changed his mind after a vicious vampire attacked him outside the school library two nights later. After a furious, hard fought rooftop brawl,which ended with the assailant having his head smashed by rushing truck, Jake got everything he needed and boarded the first flight to
to Britain.

In Britain, Jake learned from the Organization's Director and Fellow Daywalker, Dr Rene Morse-Haygen about the Darius blood, and the 500 year bloody history and conflict of the unbounded races: The Daywalkers, The Vampires,The Ferals or Werepeople and the Shifters or Druids. Jake also learns that Samantha has a special kind of darius blood known to vampires and daywalkers as the “EVE” that transforms a vampire or a daywalker into “a demonic being with the power to destroy humanity and the unbounded” and that the Vampire Lord of Paris,Jean Pierre Nosferatu XIII , wants that power for himself. Now it is up to Jake and “The Constantine Society” to rescue Samantha before the Vampire lord sucks his blood and transforms to a far more deadly being than he ever was...

Well Thats It. Hope You like This Concept...

 

[blairWitcher]

I really very sorry about the first post guys.

 

[chrispenycate]

Possessives in English take the gender of the possessor, not the possessed (unlike most latin-based languages. Thus it's

memorable senior night with his[color] bestfriend – turned – girlfriend, Kyrie.

OK so hello once again. My name is Blair and I'm very sorry about the infinished thread earlier. I got a little technical difficulty with this laptop i'm using but it's already fixed. Ok so here's the complete concept of my first project: Darius Blood. Any comment and constructive criticism as well as suggestion is very much appreciated


Darius Blood:The Concept


Darius Blood tells the story of a Daywalker named Jake Alcain. A Daywalker is referred to

refers to; perhaps even "the word 'Daywalker' refers to"

someone who has acquired a genetic trait known as the Darius Blood, which is the 21st century term for a unique genetic trait known as “The vampire gene”. In short, Daywalkers are half

hyphen (half-vampire), and does "human" cover the crossbreeds?

vampire humans that possess the uncanny agility, speed, strength and intuition of a vampire but

are

is not affected by symptoms of pure vampirism like the need to feed on blood, constant blood lysis and susceptibility to Sunlight and UV.

Unlike Vampires, However, Daywalkers age like normal humans and only has

have the lifespan

a lifespan of an ordinary human despite its

their

abilities. Daywalkers, however could turn into real vampires if they are injected by vampire blood or drinks

drink

the blood of a vampire...

“Im

I'm

Changing... I don't know how or why but I can feel it... Sense it... Something undefined is turning me into an entity of viciousness... threatening... Sinister...

And the worst part... I think I like it.

Jake Alcain is like any normal highschool senior next door. He flunks in class sometimes, gets bullied all the time and has secret feelings over her

his best friend

bestfriend Kyrie. Everything changed, however, after a being “clobbered to death” by school bullies one tuesday night

comma

where he was left cbruised and unconscious on a trash bin. He woke up the next day feeling odd and “transformed”. He thought it was all just a big bump in the head – until he realized that he could sense any danger coming his way exactly seven seconds before it actually occurs

would actually occur

...

For

In

the next few days Jake Alcain turned from “a punching bag” to “the guy who kicked Bailey Cragg's ass, the BullyKing, right outside gym class”.He was having so much fun with his “new found abilities”, until that moonless night came that changed his life. While he was having a memorable senior night with her

his

bestfriend – turned

perhaps "become". "turned left me thinking that she, too, had been transformed into a vampire

– girlfriend, Kyrie, A group of vampires broke in and destroyed their house, killed Jake's Mom and Dad, and abducted her

probably "his" (depends on whose sister she is)

sixth grade sister Samantha.

During the funeral, a mysterious letter from an organization who called themselves “The Constantine” asked the confused Jake to “Move to England and Learn the answer to your most befuddling questions."
At first, Jake refused, but he changed his mind after a vicious vampire attacked him outside the school library two nights later. After a furious, hard fought rooftop brawl,which ended with the assailant having his head smashed by

a

rushing truck, Jake got

maybe "packed"?

everything he needed and boarded the first flight to

only one "to"

to Britain.

In Britain, Jake learned from the Organization's Director and Fellow Daywalker, Dr Rene Morse-Haygen about the Darius blood, and the 500 year bloody history and conflict of the unbounded races: The Daywalkers, The Vampires,The Ferals or Werepeople and the Shifters or Druids. Jake also learns that Samantha has a special kind of darius blood known to vampires and daywalkers as the “EVE” that transforms a vampire or a daywalker into “a demonic being with the power to destroy humanity and the unbounded” and that the Vampire Lord of Paris,Jean Pierre Nosferatu XIII , wants that power for himself. Now it is up to Jake and “The Constantine Society” to rescue Samantha before the Vampire lord sucks his

her

blood and transforms to a far more deadly being than he ever was

had been

...

Well Thats It. Hope You like This Concept...

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I've removed the other thread.

 

[chrispenycate]

I've removed the other thread.

Thank you. It really didn't need merging

 

[blairWitcher]

thanks for the grammatical as well as for the other corrections chrispenycate. I must admit that I'm not that good when it comes to proper usage of words. thanks for the corrections,

 

[blairWitcher]

Darius Blood: The REwritten concept(making thing better than the first)

OK so I thought about what you guys told me about this project and I considered and reconsidered every point and suggestion that you made for DARIUS BLOOD. thanks to all of you

OK so last night as I was reading and rereading the concept I found out that I have missed some parts that might turn out to be essential for the whole story later on like:
1. "DARIUS BLOOD" seemed only to exist on the DAYWALKERS. how about the vampires? the ferals? what is the connection of the DARIUS BLOOD gene on them?
2. As pointed out by CTG and the OTHERS, JAke Alcain seemed indestructible and possess no weaknesses, making DARIUS BLOOD another stereotype SUPERHUMAN stuff.
3. I wasnt able to give a complete descriptions of the other UNBOUND Races in the concept
4. The Last of the UNBOUND ones, THE DRUIDS, seem a little odd so I changed it into something else that has more historical background on it.

After three tiring hours of typing, I was able to come up with this! tadaa!

DARIUS BLOOD: REWRITTEN CONCEPT​

In the 21st century it was discovered by science that there is unique type of gene that exists among some beings that mankind has feared most for generations. This type of gene was named “DARIUS BLOOD”. Further studies showed that there are four types of this gene and that a particular type of a “DARIUS BLOOD” gene is present on particular kinds of beings that they have termed UNBOUND ONES. There are four kinds of UNBOUND ONES: these are the VAMPIRES, FERALS or Werewolves, DAYWALKERS, and GIFTED ones.
VAMPIRES, which descended from Vlad Tepes Dracula, the first vampire and vampire lord, of Transylvania, have the first type of DARIUS BLOOD gene known as “EBONY”,named after the color of the blood of the host that possess the gene. The main characteristic of vampires is there unusually long lifespan, which enables them to live for hundreds of years. Vampires also possess uncanny strength and speed, heightened reflexes and stamina, the ability to turn their eyesight to either night vision or thermal vision, and “ESP like” abilities that they could use or are triggered on various circumstances. Vampires, however, cannot control their “hunger” for blood, suffer abnormal levels of blood lysis, inability to produce and reproduce blood cells and they're bodies are incapable of exposure to sunlight and Ultraviolet light.
FERALS, which are an ancient clan of people who possess wolf like instincts and traits and have a strange ability to transform, forcibly, into wolf like beasts during a full moon, possess the second type of the DARIUS BLOOD gene known as “REMUS”,named after one of the mythical founders of ancient Rome who according to Myths was cursed by the gods to become a “MONSTER of the FULL MOON”. Ferals possess beastlike characteristics and abilities: highly sensitive sense of smell and hearing, amazing eyesight, unusually rapid regeneration, supernatural strength and agility similar yet weaker than vampires and crude unrefined habits. Ferals,in their “untransformed state”, are inferior to vampires and daywalkers both in strength and ability. However, its strength and speed multiplies three times than its normal once it undergoes transformation on a full moon. It would take 2 high level vampires to kill a feral in its transformed state. It cannot, however, control himself while in his state and would kill anyone or anything that it could get its hands on, except his kind.
GIFTED ONES are humans that possess the 3rd type of DARIUS BLOOD known as “EVE”. GIFTED ones possess human qualities,traits and weaknesses but have highly developed and powerful ESP abilities that are unique from another. For years, mankind has persecuted there kind and called them by their more common terms, WITCHES and WARLOCKs.
DAYWALKERS are also humans but possess the fourth type of DARIUS BLOOD known as “CRIMSON”. Daywalkers,once in their “AWAKENED STATE” possess abilites and traits of the vampires except for their weaknesses. One peculiar characteristic of a DAYWALKER is the “crimson color” of their pupils once they have “Awakened”. They, however, have a lifespan of a humanbeing unlike vampires and their strength and ability are determined by their emotions. A Daywalker might not sustain it's awakened state and might also be hindered incapable to be “awakened” if it is depressed or demoralized, rendering it human and easy to kill.
DARIUS BLOOD centers it's story on a high school senior named Jake Alcain who possessed in him the Daywalkers gene, crimson, as well as the amazing ability to “see” any danger that might happen to him exactly seven seconds before it actually happens, an ability known as “RABBIT'S FOOT”.


“Im Changing... I don't know how or why but I can feel it... Sense it... Something undefined is turning me into an entity of viciousness... threatening... Sinister...


And the worst part... I think I like it.

Jake Alcain is like any normal highschool senior next door. He flunks in class sometimes, gets bullied all the time and has secret feelings over her bestfriend Kyrie Campbell. Everything changed, however, after a being “clobbered to death” by Terry Bode, who in jake's life, was the "meanest dick in highschool, and his gang one tuesday night where he was left bruised and unconscious on a trash bin. He woke up the next day feeling odd and “transformed”. He thought it was all just a big bump in the head – until he realized that he could "see" any danger coming his way exactly seven seconds before it actually occurs...

In the next few days Jake Alcain turned from “a punching bag” to “the guy who kicked Terry Bode, the BullyKing, right outside gym class”.He was having so much fun with his “new found abilities”, until that moonless night came that changed his life. While he was having a memorable senior night with her bestfriend – become – girlfriend, Kyrie, A group of vampires broke in and destroyed their house, killed Jake's Mom and Dad, and abducted Kyrie.

During the funeral, a mysterious letter from an organization who called themselves “The Constantine Society” asked a confused Jake to “Move to England and Learn the answer to your most befuddling questions."At first, Jake refused, but he changed his mind after a vicious vampire attacked him outside the school library two nights later. After a furious, hard fought rooftop brawl,which ended with the assailant having his head smashed by rushing truck, Jake packed everything he needed and boarded the first flight to Britain.

In Britain, Jake learned from the Organization's Director and Fellow Daywalker, Dr Rene Morse-Haygen about the Darius blood, and the 500 year bloody history and conflict of the unbounded races: The Daywalkers, The Vampires,The Ferals or Werepeople and the gifted ones. Jake also learns that Kyrie is a gifted one and possess a kind of "EVE" with the ability to transform an unbound one into a "powerful demonic being with the power to destroy humanity and the unbound beings” and that the Vampire Lord of Paris,Jean Pierre Nosferatu XIII , wants that power for himself. Now it is up to Jake and “The Constantine Society” to rescue Kyrie before the Vampire lord sucks her blood and transforms to a far more deadly being than he ever had been...

 

[Michael01]

Re: Darius Blood: The REwritten concept(making thing better than the first)

Now I have to say that I really like where you're going with this concept. The four types of genes known as Darius Blood present in each of these "Unbound races" is an interesting idea. This actually means something coming from me because I'm really tired of vampires. However, with this kind of variation I might be inclined to read it.

It's still a bit difficult to read and follow your writing, though. You still should have separated the top paragraphs the same way you did the last four, and some of the colors you used really do strain the eyes (like the green).

Here are some things I noticed that you might want to work on (I've marked your work for correction in red and my comments in blue):

In the 21st century it was discovered by science that there is unique type of gene that exists among some beings that mankind has feared most for generations. This type of gene was named “DARIUS BLOOD”.

First, "it was discovered" and "this type of gene was" are passive verbs. This can be awkward, and a more direct approach might work better. Second, the repetition of "type of gene" is unecessary. Third, you switch tenses, from past to present in the same sentence; you want to try to maintain the same tense throughout your work. As an example, I might write those two sentences this way:

In the twenty-first century, scientists discovered a unique gene, which they named "Darius Blood," among several species that were closely related to humans known as the Unbound.

Further studies showed that there are four types of this gene and that a particular type of a “DARIUS BLOOD” gene is present on particular kinds of beings that they have termed UNBOUND ONES. There are four kinds of UNBOUND ONES: these are the VAMPIRES, FERALS or Werewolves, DAYWALKERS, and GIFTED ones.

Here you have even more redunancy. It would probably work much better simplified to something like this:

There were four variations of Darius Blood in the Unbound Ones, inlcuding Vampires, Ferals or Werewolves, Daywalkers, and Gifted.

VAMPIRES,

which descended from Vlad Tepes Dracula, the first vampire and vampire lord, of Transylvania, have the first type of DARIUS BLOOD gene known as “EBONY”,named after the color of the blood of the host that possess the gene.

VAMPIRES, which descended from Vlad Tepes Dracula have the gene known as “EBONY,” named after the color of their blood.

I removed the two clauses referring to Dracula since I thought most people will know this. If you thought it was necessary, you could probably add in "lord of Transylvania." I would use dashes but commas are fine.

Also, notice how I moved the comma after "EBONY" so that it's inside the quotation marks. This may have changed (it happens; what we call "rules" are really conventions), and I'm not sure if British English has different rules, but I've always understood that "all punctuation belongs inside the quotes." There are exceptions, though.

The main characteristic of vampires is there unusually long lifespan, which enables them to live for hundreds of years. Vampires also possess uncanny strength and speed, heightened reflexes and stamina, the ability to turn their eyesight to either night vision or thermal vision, and “ESP like” abilities that they could use or are triggered on various circumstances.

I don't think a "lifespan" is something that enables long life; it is the long life. And while there isn't really anything wrong with "ESP-like" (although I think you need a dash for something like this), I think "extra sensory" might work better.

There's a lot more like these examples that you could work on, but it has taken me a long time to write this post so I'm going to cut this short.

I really like the connection you made between the Ferals and the Remus of mythology. Also, the "'EVE' with the ability to transform an unbound one into a 'powerful demonic being with the power to destroy humanity and the unbound beings'" is intruiging. Keep working on it, Blair, and I'm sure you'll end up with great story.

 

[blairWitcher]

Thanks Mr. Michael. I know this might be asking enough but could I use your corrections to rewrite this concept? I don't want to steal anybody's ideas so i just want to ask permission if i could borrow them to rewrite my concept.

Pls reply and may you have a nice day

 

[Michael01]

That wouldn't be stealing my ideas, since it's still your concept. All I did was show you how to make a few corrections. So, of course you can; it's no problem.

On the other hand, you will still need to learn how to do this yourself. And remember, that's only part of it. The real work comes after you get down the grammar, punctuation, tense, etc. I'm still learning a lot of what I need to do to make a story work myself.

 

[blairWitcher]

DARIUS BLOOD: FINAL CONCEPT​

Special thanks to Mr.Michael01 and Mr.Chrispenycate for their comments,corrections and suggestions that had been a great help to me in this project(as I really suck i english grammar). I wish that you would continue on criticizing my work and honing my writing skills and style. thank you very much ​

In the twenty-first century, scientists discovered a unique gene, which they named "Darius Blood," among several species that were closely related to humans known as the Unbound.There were four variations of Darius Blood in the Unbound Ones, inlcuding Vampires, Ferals or Werewolves, Daywalkers, and Gifted.

VAMPIRES, which descended from Vlad Tepes Dracula - lord of Transylvania - have the gene known as “EBONY,” named after the color of their blood. The main characteristic of vampires is there lifespan, which enables them to live for hundreds of years. Vampires also possess uncanny strength and speed, heightened reflexes and stamina, the ability to turn their eyesight to either night vision or thermal vision, and “Extra Sensory” abilities that they could use or are triggered on various circumstances. Vampires, however, cannot control their “hunger” for blood, suffer abnormal levels of blood lysis, inability to produce and reproduce blood cells and they're bodies are incapable of exposure to sunlight and Ultraviolet light.

FERALS, which are an ancient clan of people who possess wolf like instincts and traits and have a strange ability to transform, forcibly, into wolf like beasts during a full moon, possess the second type of the DARIUS BLOOD gene known as “REMUS”,named after one of the mythical founders of ancient Rome who according to Myths was cursed by the gods to become a “MONSTER of the FULL MOON”. Ferals possess beastlike characteristics and abilities: highly sensitive sense of smell and hearing, amazing eyesight, unusually rapid regeneration, supernatural strength and agility similar yet weaker than vampires and crude unrefined habits. Ferals,in their “untransformed state”, are inferior to vampires and daywalkers both in strength and ability. However, its strength and speed multiplies three times than its normal once it undergoes transformation on a full moon. It would take 2 high level vampires to kill a feral in its transformed state. It cannot, however, control himself while in his state and would kill anyone or anything that it could get its hands on, except his kind.

GIFTED ONES are humans that possess the 3rd type of DARIUS BLOOD known as “EVE”. GIFTED ones possess human qualities,traits and weaknesses but have highly developed and powerful ESP abilities that are unique from another. For years, mankind has persecuted there kind and called them by their more common terms, WITCHES and WARLOCKs.

DAYWALKERS are also humans but possess the fourth type of DARIUS BLOOD known as “CRIMSON”. Daywalkers,once in their “AWAKENED STATE” possess abilites and traits of the vampires except for their weaknesses. One peculiar characteristic of a DAYWALKER is the “crimson color” of their pupils once they have “Awakened”. They, however, have a lifespan of a humanbeing unlike vampires and their strength and ability are determined by their emotions. A Daywalker might not sustain it's awakened state and might also be hindered incapable to be “awakened” if it is depressed or demoralized, rendering it human and easy to kill.
DARIUS BLOOD centers it's story on a high school senior named Jake Alcain who possessed in him the Daywalkers gene, crimson, as well as the amazing ability to “see” any danger that might happen to him exactly seven seconds before it actually happens, an ability known as “RABBIT'S FOOT”.


“Im Changing... I don't know how or why but I can feel it... Sense it... Something undefined is turning me into an entity of viciousness... threatening... Sinister...


And the worst part... I think I like it.

Jake Alcain is like any normal highschool senior next door. He flunks in class sometimes, gets bullied all the time and has secret feelings over her bestfriend Kyrie Campbell. Everything changed, however, after a being “clobbered to death” by Terry Bode, who in jake's life, was the "meanest dick in highschool, and his gang one tuesday night where he was left bruised and unconscious on a trash bin. He woke up the next day feeling odd and “transformed”. He thought it was all just a big bump in the head – until he realized that he could "see" any danger coming his way exactly seven seconds before it actually occurs...

In the next few days Jake Alcain turned from “a punching bag” to “the guy who kicked Terry Bode, the BullyKing, right outside gym class”.He was having so much fun with his “new found abilities”, until that moonless night came that changed his life. While he was having a memorable senior night with her bestfriend – become – girlfriend, Kyrie, A group of vampires broke in and destroyed their house, killed Jake's Mom and Dad, and abducted Kyrie.

During the funeral, a mysterious letter from an organization who called themselves “The Constantine Society” asked a confused Jake to “Move to England and Learn the answer to your most befuddling questions."At first, Jake refused, but he changed his mind after a vicious vampire attacked him outside the school library two nights later. After a furious, hard fought rooftop brawl,which ended with the assailant having his head smashed by rushing truck, Jake packed everything he needed and boarded the first flight to Britain.

In Britain, Jake learned from the Organization's Director and Fellow Daywalker, Dr Rene Morse-Haygen about the Darius blood, and the 500 year bloody history and conflict of the unbounded races: The Daywalkers, The Vampires,The Ferals or Werepeople and the gifted ones. Jake also learns that Kyrie is a gifted one and possess a kind of "EVE" with the ability to transform an unbound one into a "powerful demonic being with the power to destroy humanity and the unbound beings” and that the Vampire Lord of Paris,Jean Pierre Nosferatu XIII , wants that power for himself. Now it is up to Jake and “The Constantine Society” to rescue Kyrie before the Vampire lord sucks her blood and transforms to a far more deadly being than he ever had been...