StarCrash 1978 ---revisiting the classic, you'd-better-see-this-one, fans of Opera in Space.
Big spaceship in deep space, looks like the intro to
Alien, then we hear 'Major Bradbury' to bridge, and the spaceship is named the
Murray Leinster, so in one minute, we know this is a science-fiction movie. Weird gold helmets on the crew, they are looking for the hidden fortress of Count Zarthron, on a phantom planet. Suddenly, weird red lights appear, they attack, everyone grabs their head and falls down, a couple shuttlecraft get away, the ship explodes. Now we get a long print-out onscreen, but it is in French, so no idea. Something about megalomaniac Emporer Zarthon, good enough. Hasselhoff, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer as Emporer, okay.
Scout ship, our two MC smugglers - Stella Star and Acton, are evading space-robot-cops... very silly lines from Munro 'Go for hyperspace. Go for it!' Let's hope this Star-buggy stays together." Molecular ignition... Gamma contamination... but then a Neutron Star grabs them, they have to eject. They find a spaceship floating... Caroline goes there and finds a survivor, raving about red monsters. But empire ships show up, they are captured and sentenced to penal planets. There, a raygun battle breaks out, Stella escapes. no idea how... but she runs into the desert, a big spaceship lands, she walks onto it, and it's the bad guys, but now they are rescuing her... they free Acton too, no problem. This happens fast, every minute this movie does something science-fictional.
Plummer is the Emporer of the 1st Circle of the Universe, his holgram appears and monologues. Stella, the best pilot in the galaxy, and Acton the navigator have to save the galaxy from Zarthon. Off they go to 'the haunted stars' to find the phantom planet and Zarth's super-weapon. And, find the emporer's missing son. That's your plot.
Full tech-babblism, they look for the planet, cheap hyperspace FX, inane glib comments from robot "Ell" all the way through this epic. Stella wears a bikini and high leather boots most of the time. Amazon women on horseback appear on the beach, capture them. Now we get Queen Kararia, but Ell, who was zapped, recovers and saves Stella. They run outside onto the beach where a super-giant clumsy robot with a sword, that you should see to believe it, threatens them, but Acton saves them and we get space war with the Amazon air forces. Then an ice and snow planet, deadly dangerous cold.
A lot of off-the-wall dialogue, too much to go into here. We have a traitor... there's a 'league of darkness'. . but Acton, who could easily be called 'OverActon' saves them again, with his unknown, even to the audience - mysterious powers... he can see the future? and informs us that it is against the law to change the future.
Anyway they find the planet - Demungia, and survive a cheap FX space attack. We get 'Robot chauvanism', we get yammering cavemen attacking, we get Stella hanging upside down. Now they escape, and have to destroy the entire planet. This is better than Star Wars. Super-giant machines, more robots, more soldiers now.... Zarthon. Monlogue rant, maniacal laughter. Now, extended maniacal laughing. Light-sabre action. Whoa - time-stoppage by Plummer, using the Imperial BattleCruiser, but only 3 minutes, then everything will explode. Big raygun battle. billions lives at stake, supreme command of the Universe on the line. Quite the epic raygun battle. Good guys gonna win, but here comes the Doom Machine and some really wild monologuing. Aha- Dimensional attack! It will work, using the Floating City! All right enough, the forces of good will triumph and Stella will say something stupid and it will end. ***** Five Stars, to
StarCrash! for... for sheer SpaceOperage.
