Short SF story critique, please

Swank

and debonair
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I would like some feedback on this story. All comments are welcome, but I am less concerned about specific grammatical errors as much as overall feel and flow. I'll leave it untitled for now. Thank you.




Naturally occurring reactor piles are rare mysteries; the symbiotic biology and volcanism thought to be entirely self-regulating. The pile found on Tarma confounded all predictions when it blew out a mountainside and filled the local environs with radioactive fallout. The timing couldn’t have been worse for the recently arrived science mission - the crew was poisoned in few hours while their ship was partially crushed by falling ejecta. The ruined ship’s final sentient act was a distress call that arced through transit space to a loan sliplighter forty years away. The ‘lighter pilot relented to the alarm, changing course for a reconnoiter and rescue.


Enough time had passed en route that local radiation had dropped to nonlethal; Luka Bei left the e-suit in ‘lock. Hardy vines and snot-like flying invertebrates had come back to the detonation site, but most life would remain absent for decades to come. Her lugged soles widened for stability on the crumbling soil as she trekked to the shattered husk of a research ship. The blue hull was just visible in the gloom when she stumbled over the first castaway.

Sun, bacteria and time had reduced the body to parchment covered bone, jumbled in disorder. Luka brushed dust from the skull to find the white cap growing on top. Scanned, verified, plucked, then ‘bottled’ in stasis: The life, memories and cognition of physicist Becca Samuels drawn into the little crimini that grew from her brain as she lay dying. Luka had never been killed herself, but had watched a friend slowly rebuilt after the mushroom holding his soul was recovered - Becca Samuels would be reincarnated as well. She continued on toward wreckage.

Luka stepped out of the blue hulk an hour later with a second rescue in her pack, the locations of all the remaining victims, and dull eyes. She wound a seemingly arbitrary path between them, saving one for last, harvesting precious fungus as she went. Night came.



A very different night; wet, not dusty. Different constellations overhead. Alec, the only boy Luca’s age on Esicaal, has a theory. “The mirak aren’t afraid of us, and will keep testing our limits until they get some sort of pushback they understand. Or they might kill someone.”

Whether mirak actually perceived people at all was a matter of debate - they had three striding and three grasping forelimbs, but no discernable sense organs on their three meter bodies. It wasn’t clear if they were aggressive or oblivious. “Oi; they don’t even have ‘behavior’ as we know it! Leave the analysis to the exopsychs. You theory is nothing more than anthropomorphizing.” But Luka liked to imagine Alec boldly lecturing the settlement trustees on his alien anthropology theories, rather than just his fellow teens. She found his confidence ridiculous; attractive.

Six nights later, she hefted his broken body onto her shoulder. The enraged mirak had ripped Alec’s left arm off entirely - she picked the limb up as well, but left his sapphire knife behind, wedged in the dead alien. When he had gone missing, Luka followed her gut to the mirak’s usual road crossing and the aftermath of Alec’s ‘pushback’. Now she carried him, tears streaming. Taking on a creature of such size and power! She could not imagine that level of physical bravery, foolhardy or not. Luka imagines the incident validating Alec’s disobedience - possibly saving the settlers in the long run.



She had seven full bottles on her back when she located the eighth and final crewman in the crusty soil. “Hi, Alec.”

Luka crouched next to his bones. In time, tears came, and went. “You and your family left before the Research Trustees ID’d the miraks’ low frequency song. You should have read the transcripts: They have lovely souls, Alec. Peaceful, lovely souls.” She stayed crouched for what seemed like hours, weight of the full stasis bottles on her back, nudging her toward responsibility.

Bending low, she blew the dust off the skull. Half immersed in the dirt, on its side, facing away. The cap rose from the high point, somewhere behind the left ear. Like the others, it’s anchored by cilia that grew through the dying bone from the inside. The pinnacle of life-saving bioengineering, the mushroom encodes every part of a human life into its cellulose structure as the brain shuts down. Every thought, experience, cognitive ability, memory, gene and sensation trapped in a deathless fungus - waiting patiently to be plucked, read and spun back into new flesh. Alec and his crewmates are neither alive nor dead: They are potentially alive. Luka’s back aches with all that potential.

A second sun glows weakly on the horizon. Luka doesn’t know the local time, but UT winks in her vision, along with more insistent rad warnings. She’s been here a full night. With the utmost care, she breaks the cap away from bone against woody resistance. Once freed, she cradles it in two hands, crunching her way back to her sliplighter. It isn’t far.


The ship portrays stern upset at her exposure, demanding she eat a med dosed meal. “This, first,” as she heads down the corridor to deep storage. Each bottle is tagged, the contents scanned and finally vaulted. She picks up everything else and heads to the galley.

Noting the skillet Luka pulls out, the sliplighter simultaneously lifts off the barren plain, heads to Transit and produces raw egg, onion, ham and green pepper. It can fabricate anything, but the pilot likes to cook for herself when so clearly pensive. The omelet ingredients are chock full of anti-rad medication to meet crew safety protocols.

Luka chops, sautés, whips and folds. The sliplighter boosts, course corrects and translates to T-space. The omelet slides on the plate, the plate on the table. Chewing, slowly, her eyes altogether failing to focus on the galley counter where she dropped her gear. Taking her plate with her, she stands over the counter for whole seconds, then wanders out and down the center corridor. Still chewing, she glances around the ‘lock foyer without stopping. At the Vault console, she confirms seven bottles with precious human cargo in storage.

Her fork finds the last morsel of omelet. She stares at the dark flecks in the egg, nods to herself, chews and swallows. She’ll need to keep the food down for the medicine to work.
 
The abrupt shifts to present tense threw off my reading flow; it wasn't clear to me why those parts had to be in present tense when the rest was in past tense.

The first sentence sounded like the opening of an academic treatise, not a story. The next few sentences follow-up, but I don't think that first sentence is doing anything useful. Honestly, I thought the second paragraph would have served as a better opening to the story: it introduces a character, and ends with a pretty decent punch. Any necessary information about the reactor pile and distress signal could have been woven in later.

I had two main problems as a reader: the character felt too distant, and there wasn't a lot of tension. For such a short piece, there were too many asides and I didn't really get the character. Why does she feel that she can pass judgment on her friend and deny him rebirth? Why does she eat him? It felt like you were trying to go for a minimalist character piece, but I never got close enough to the POV character to understand anything about her. The circumspect way you describe her actions in the final section (if eating Alec is indeed what she did) denies a closeness, she comes off feeling like a sociopath because we aren't getting her feelings - and that lack of feeling also robbed the story of its tension for me. Couldn't we have gotten some sort of internal argument, the character fighting herself to decide what was wrong or right? The way the story is written, she could have made this decision a long time ago and is only now perfunctorily putting her plan into action. She might be a galactic serial killer for all I know about her. Because of that, the ending just wasn't very satisfying for me.

There are some interesting worldbuilding elements in this story: the rebirth mushrooms, the miraks. But the characters felt distant and underdeveloped, and that sunk the story for me. Perhaps if you were to delve deeper into the main character's background, her relationship with Alec, and her misgivings about giving Alec another chance it would work better for me.

Keep writing.
 
I would have started at the point were Alec fought the Mirak and of his death in the forming of the "re-birth" mushroom as it pertains to the rest of the deceased crew members. We know that Luca is the sole remaining survivor after Alec's death and that there had to be larger crew then the 9 ,to become 8 soon, that we know of. We know the "re-birth" mushrooms also contain the meds that are needed in order to survive the radiation she is exposed to, thus her dilemma in consuming Alec's mushroom in order for her to stay alive long enough for her rescue. Or not perhaps?

Does the rescue ever arrive and how many more of her crews' mushrooms will she need to eat? Or will she sacrifice herself in hopes of saving them? If she is rescued, is she tried as a cannibal and murderer of her crew?

I would add more to Luca's emotional struggles with this moral conflict and the decisions she needs to make.

Keep at it!
 
I would have started at the point were Alec fought the Mirak and of his death in the forming of the "re-birth" mushroom as it pertains to the rest of the deceased crew members. We know that Luca is the sole remaining survivor after Alec's death and that there had to be larger crew then the 9 ,to become 8 soon, that we know of. We know the "re-birth" mushrooms also contain the meds that are needed in order to survive the radiation she is exposed to, thus her dilemma in consuming Alec's mushroom in order for her to stay alive long enough for her rescue. Or not perhaps?

Does the rescue ever arrive and how many more of her crews' mushrooms will she need to eat? Or will she sacrifice herself in hopes of saving them? If she is rescued, is she tried as a cannibal and murderer of her crew?

I would add more to Luca's emotional struggles with this moral conflict and the decisions she needs to make.

Keep at it!
Alec and the other 7 died 40 years before Luca arrives to rescue them. The Mirak are on a different planet they both lived on as children.
 
OK, that helps me to understand your story more.
Then, use the first paragraph too set the mood, and in the following paragraphs focus more on Luca but have her talk to Alec's mushroom as if he was still alive, like in the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks, until Alec becomes the medicine that Luca needs.
 
OK, that helps me to understand your story more.
Then, use the first paragraph too set the mood, and in the following paragraphs focus more on Luca but have her talk to Alec's mushroom as if he was still alive, like in the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks, until Alec becomes the medicine that Luca needs.
Luca doesn't need to eat mushrooms. Maybe read Sule's review? He didn't care for the story but followed it fine, as did some other readers.
 
I like it. I was particularly hooked by the first paragraph. I'd certainly read more, especially about the Mirak.
 
The circumspect way you describe her actions in the final section (if eating Alec is indeed what she did) denies a closeness, she comes off feeling like a sociopath because we aren't getting her feelings
Sorry Swank, I did and I kind of got this too; "the dark flecks in the egg" gave me the impression of minced mushrooms. You might have meant black pepper, but that's how it came across to me.

With that aside. I got a little lost with the varying mixing of past and present in the narrative format.

Overall, I did enjoy the story idea and the world building, especially how the mushrooms are used as an altered form of suspended animation upon the death of the characters. Very creative!
 
Sorry Swank, I did and I kind of got this too; "the dark flecks in the egg" gave me the impression of minced mushrooms. You might have meant black pepper, but that's how it came across to me.

With that aside. I got a little lost with the varying mixing of past and present in the narrative format.

Overall, I did enjoy the story idea and the world building, especially how the mushrooms are used as an altered form of suspended animation upon the death of the characters. Very creative!
The eggs have mushroom in them. Mushrooms are not a treatment for radiation.
 
It's an interesting story, one I gained far more from on the second and third reading.

A few things you may wish to consider.

In a short story I would consider the use of technical terms, especially abbreviated, and those that are invented. Sliplighter, UT, transit space and T-space for example. In a short story it may be worth using terms that are more familiar to the average reader.

Until reading other posts, it wasn't clear to me that she was eating Alec's mushroom. 'Dark flecks' in her eggs does not say 'mushrooms' to me. Perhaps if you had described the colour of each person's mushroom reflecting something of their character. Maybe Alec's was blue or pink, and blue or pink flecks in her eggs would be a clearer indication?


The one thing I couldn't figure out was what she was doing this. The back story of their relationship, when she saved him previously, gives me no indication as to why she would not wish to do so this time. Perhaps the onboard computer on the wrecked ship revealed some information about him she didn't like? Or she discovered his body in the arms of a female companion, and jealousy caused her to do what she did?

One last thing is the first paragraph. It does feel like a weight of information is being given to the reader, some of which is just not necessary. I would consider weaving this into the story, or having a more immersive opening. Perhaps it's an automated distress call from the ship, or a message transmitted by the last, dying, crew member?

I hope some of this helps; mostly it's personal opinion that would make the story more understandable to me. But it could be me being a bit dim not to understand your story, or that you want to make it more ambiguous.
 
I hope some of this helps; mostly it's personal opinion that would make the story more understandable to me. But it could be me being a bit dim not to understand your story, or that you want to make it more ambiguous.
Clearly the story has some barriers to easy reading. Some of them are the way it's written (style), and others are intentionally ambiguous. When the commentary has calmed down I'll summarize what is happening.
 
Hi,

I enjoyed it. I’m one of those readers who doesn’t mind having to stop and reread a sentence or what have you so the new terminology didn’t throw me after a try. Besides, I’m a fan of not explaining world details; they’re normal to the cast, so it’s normal to mention them and hope context explains.

I took the change in tense to refer to past and now present.

To be honest I prefer stories where I’m left with a taste — a sense of otherworldliness— and this delivers in that regard. I also strongly believe in writing the way you want to as long as it’s not a grammar/comprehension minefield.

Did I understand it completely? No, but it took me somewhere new. Also I’m a fan of harder SF even tho’ my comprehension of physics is very limited, so that’s par for the course.

I think you could maybe write a bit less brutally with word count though, just so that some of the syntax is easier to read.

Recently I was beta-ing a friend’s work and was talking about how often (in the good ol days) one had to learn how to read certain authors. To get to grips with their style etc. that happens less these days as publishers and authors are more focused on easy reading experiences. I think with your work, after a chapter, say, a reader would ‘learn’ how to read/parse your sentences etc.
 
This story had a wealth of interesting ideas and concepts that sparked my imagination. Due to the brevity, about a thousand words, I felt that none of the ideas was sufficiently explored. It left me wanting more, but not in a good way. If wedded to the length, consider reducing the number of elements and telling a simple plot line beginning to end. If (and I think this is a better option) the various elements are to be retained, then consider extending the story (novel length might be feasible) and delve into each aspect in greater depth.

One thing I feel is important is having the beginning and end balance each other. The opening line was intriguing,
Naturally occurring reactor piles are rare mysteries; the symbiotic biology and volcanism thought to be entirely self-regulating.
I wanted to hear more details about the relationship between biology and volcanos, but this never is mentioned again. After bouncing through several other topics, I felt intrigued as to why Becca chose to put off the collection of one body to the end. I never felt like I got an answer to that. The final conclusion was far too subtle for me (readers usually need quite explicit explanations of why things are occurring) and I didn't catch the final plot point until I read others' comments. Even then, it felt arbitrary; I didn't feel like there was any rationale to justify Becca's actions. The opening had me expecting one type of story and the conclusion went off in a quite different direction.

It would be interesting to see the ideas expanded on as either a series of short stories or as an entire novel. There are a lot of good concepts raised in this too brief piece.
 
Okay, looks like the critiques might have come to a halt. Thank you everyone very, very much for your comments and suggestions.

I realize that the story is challenging in content and structure, so I'm going to explain it so the details that are there make sense to everyone. I know that's like having to explain a joke, but it is interesting that different reviewers correctly followed different parts of the story and missed others.

The opening was there to establish how some people could be killed in a way that wouldn't destroy their bodies completely and be fairly remote from help. I think I first read in a Clarke story the idea that radiation resistant organisms could conceivably process and control radioactive elements to make a natural reactor pile to provide energy to live on. Seven of those killed were in the field, one was aboard the ship. The ship itself has a tame AI, and it sent the distress call. The nearest receiver was a single crewed ship 40 light years distant which uses a light speed drive, so it is 40 years away from arriving.

Next section is 40 years later. Luca arrives on a mostly less radioactive accident site. She decides not to wear protective clothing since she wouldn't be out in it very long. She is walking toward the wrecked ship to get victim information but happens to find one on the way. The mushroom backup is explained. Then she goes to the wreck, finds a second victim and accesses the AI's storage to find the specific locations of the other corpses. She recognizes Alec's name and knows where his body is. Unsure what to do or feel, she makes the collection of the next 5 mushrooms slow.

The next section depicts how Luca and Alec knew each other as children on a different alien planet called Eschial. The mirak's behavior is a source of debate - they are like fast moving trees, and may or may not be aggressive. Truly alien. Luca likes Alec's big talk and is attracted to him. When he disappears she presumes that he might have gone to confront a mirak into doing something. She finds him torn up, having killed the mirak by hand. (I leave it to the reader whether he's the dead person Luca has witnessed being reincarnated earlier in the story, or just hurt.)

Back to Tarma, Luca has whiled the night away deliberating what to do about Alec. What she says to his body is basically that his actions on Eschial killed a sentient and beautiful being, not a beast, and she considers it an atrocity. (And this event may be why Luca is exploring space on her own.) UT is universal time, and that told her it was morning for her. She takes Alec's mushroom, but doesn't bottle his like the others. Back at the ship, her AI insists she eat something with medicine to counteract her radiation exposure, so she gets ready to make a Denver omelet and puts the bottled mushrooms in storage.


What happens after that is Luca eats an omelet that contains Alec's mushroom (dark flecks). Her behavior afterwards is ambiguous: Did she mean to eat the mushroom as a way of destroying it in a way that might not be noticed, but also would look like an accident, and stayed out extra long to make her mistake look like the result of exposure and exhaustion? Or was it an accident, but realizing that she couldn't let on what had happened in front of the AI? Or was it subconscious, and she remains unsure what happened?



I'll take a close look at my tense usage. Interesting idea expanding it to a full book - the back and forth time thing could work well for that, filling in both their lives. Like @Phyrebrat, I like being expected to keep up and figure it out as you read, so I will likely continue to non-info dump with terms the reader has to figure out from context. I think that increases the realism by using the terms the way the characters would. But it is not for everyone.


I really appreciate all your comments - negative or not. Hopefully I haven't spoiled things for anyone else wishing to weigh in.

Okay, gotta write a 350 worder. Thanks!
 
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I just want to say that I really like your story idea, Swank.


I agree.

With further reading and hindsight, I would still consider simplifying, integrating and/or making the the first paragraph more immersive. If your intention is to leave a situation with intact bodies, this could have just as easily been done with something like a radiation-leak aboard the ship.

It seems like Luka had a complete about-turn on her opinion of Alex based on information he couldn't have known when he killed the mirak. If that is the way she is then fine, but this doesn't correlate with what we know - or think we know - about her based on the rest of your story.

The choice of ambiguity in your story is exactly that - a choice. Adopting a level of ambiguity that lends your tale an air of mystery, as opposed to incomprehension, is then your main task. In general this works well in your story, but I do think that her change in attitude from admiration to disgust needed to have been made more obvious. Or replaced the whole 'mira' back story with one that made her dislike of Alec more tangible.

As a longer story, the 'mira' angle is imaginative and has lots of potential develop in interesting ways; in some ways, it seems a bit of a waste to use them simply as a plot device in a short story.

But your story is imaginative, intriguing and captivating; you have created interesting characters with Luka, Alex and the mira. Which is quite some achievement in such a short story.
 
With further reading and hindsight, I would still consider simplifying, integrating and/or making the the first paragraph more immersive. If your intention is to leave a situation with intact bodies, this could have just as easily been done with something like a radiation-leak aboard the ship.
Certainly. But the pile also provides a reason for their visit. But I get that it might be too much to digest.
 
As usual, I write my critique first, without seeing what anyone else has written.

Overall comments:

What worked for me:
Though not drawn in detail the world was interesting.
Luka's state of mind was well described

What didn't work for me:
I think it was a style you were going for, but I found the writing too fragmented.
Story wise, whatever happened was too subtle for me because in the end I was left with "so what?" I couldn't figure out why Luka was sad. Is Alec completely dead? Did the mushroom not work for him? I didn't find a payoff

Suggestions:
I'm not sure what you are going for, so I don't think I can make helpful suggestions. I would suggest making things less cryptic, and choppy, but that might be part of the whole vibe of the writing, and some people will get it and some won't and I'm in the "won't" camp and that is fine.

Detailed notes:

A very different night; wet, not dusty. Different constellations overhead. Alec, the only boy Luca’s age on Esicaal, has a theory. “The mirak aren’t afraid of us, and will keep testing our limits until they get some sort of pushback they understand. Or they might kill someone.”

Whether mirak actually perceived people at all was a matter of debate - they had three striding and three grasping forelimbs, but no discernable sense organs on their three meter bodies. It wasn’t clear if they were aggressive or oblivious. “Oi; they don’t even have ‘behavior’ as we know it! Leave the analysis to the exopsychs. You theory is nothing more than anthropomorphizing.” But Luka liked to imagine Alec boldly lecturing the settlement trustees on his alien anthropology theories, rather than just his fellow teens. She found his confidence ridiculous; attractive.
I was beginning to get immersed, but then this fragment threw me. I spent energy trying to put this in context.

Alec and his crewmates are neither alive nor dead: They are potentially alive. Luka’s back aches with all that potential.
This is good writing, but I found it pretentious. I can't tell you why. It feels derived, like I've seen it somewhere before, and it feels out of place here. I guess its partly because I can't figure out Luka.


A second sun glows weakly on the horizon. Luka doesn’t know the local time, but UT winks in her vision, along with more insistent rad warnings. She’s been here a full night. With the utmost care, she breaks the cap away from bone against woody resistance. Once freed, she cradles it in two hands, crunching her way back to her sliplighter. It isn’t far.


The ship portrays stern upset at her exposure, demanding she eat a med dosed meal. “This, first,” as she heads down the corridor to deep storage. Each bottle is tagged, the contents scanned and finally vaulted. She picks up everything else and heads to the galley.

Noting the skillet Luka pulls out, the sliplighter simultaneously lifts off the barren plain, heads to Transit and produces raw egg, onion, ham and green pepper. It can fabricate anything, but the pilot likes to cook for herself when so clearly pensive. The omelet ingredients are chock full of anti-rad medication to meet crew safety protocols.

Luka chops, sautés, whips and folds. The sliplighter boosts, course corrects and translates to T-space. The omelet slides on the plate, the plate on the table. Chewing, slowly, her eyes altogether failing to focus on the galley counter where she dropped her gear. Taking her plate with her, she stands over the counter for whole seconds, then wanders out and down the center corridor. Still chewing, she glances around the ‘lock foyer without stopping. At the Vault console, she confirms seven bottles with precious human cargo in storage.

Her fork finds the last morsel of omelet. She stares at the dark flecks in the egg, nods to herself, chews and swallows. She’ll need to keep the food down for the medicine to work.
There are a lot of words devoted to making and eating an omelette. My instinct is to assume there is a lot of meaning here, but I couldn't figure it out, which left me unsatisfied.
 
Ok, I read the other critiques and your explanation @Swank . It's an interesting idea but needs some more motivation.
Either
  1. We have to be convinced that Luka is a believer in capital punishment as justice (not personal, not powerful) or
  2. Alec should be a character that has harmed Luka directly (which I think is more powerful and a common device)
So a powerful device is the tension that arises when a victim suddenly has power over life and death of someone who has wronged them. What will they do? That reveals a lot about character.

Someone who has power over life and death over someone who has wronged someone distant, has violated an abstract concept? That's less powerful because it's not personal. People who kill in cold blood over abstract principles are less sympathetic because we interpret them (correctly) to be sociopathic.

Luka accidentally doing this is an ambiguity that IMO doesn't add to the story. I think stories like this are most powerful when not ambiguous OR the ending is unrevealed - that is we are shown the conflict in the person's head, but not what they decide in the end.

Or, you could have Luka decide to spare Alec's life and then accidentally eat Alec. That would work.
 
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So a powerful device is the tension that arises when a victim suddenly has power over life and death of someone who has wronged them. What will they do? That reveals a lot about character.
I think an added element is that Luka is not saving a life. She is reincarnating a dead person. So the normal moral dichotomy doesn't fully apply.
 

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