Dust (#2)

[BcRedneck]

Ok i adapted my writing style once again.
The stuff you need to know before you read is as follows:
Simon and Alora just finished a night of hard drinking. Aloras dad and her twin sister Solora are thieving meth heads.
Simon came to her uncles hangar to get work done on his plane, and the two are living there now.
Aloras dad has twice stolen planes from a man named Bill he had both his legs broken by the man and was kept long enough for those legs to set wrong, to prevent him from walking and stealing again.



Simon and Alora got blasted that night and woke up the next morning laying half naked on a roof not far from the hangar. The both of them dehydrated and baking in the sun. Not one ****ing memory past heading to town between them. The rest of the town was still going strong. It was as if everyone found some giant pile of coke or meth and dug in deep, then got shitfaced all over again.

Simon pulled on his shirt. “f*ck you know how we got up here?”

Alora zipped up her flight suit. “f***ed if i know, you see my bra?”

Simon looked around with his head pounding. “No lets get down and go pass out in the plane, Im not ready to be alive right now”.

Alora nodded. The two of them stumbled around the roof looking for a way down. They found a crude latter, Alora climbed down. Simon attemted to and fell 7 feet onto the dusty ground.

Alora stared laughing until her headache put a end to it. “Ok its this way”.

The two of them walked down the alley before turning down the street to the airfield. They had made it to the back, Aloras dad and Solora where smoking some cyde outside, they looked to be in good spirit.

Solora held the pipe out to Alora. “You could use this right now”.

Alora looked back at Simon. “No im going to sleep for a bit”.

Solora took a massive puff of her dope before passing it to her father. “You know where i am”.

Simon and Alora climbed into the plane. They laid down on the sleeping bag Simon had strapped over the gear between the turret and the pilots seat. Now in the cool shade they passed back out.


#


They awoke to someone landing on top of them. “Hey wake up we go to ****ing go, NOW!”

Simon sat up Solora was climbing into the turret ball. “What the f*ck”.

Solora turned to him. “Start the ****ing plane, or we are dead”.

Simon hopped over the back of the seat and tossed a cartridge into the start tube.

He could see Alora’s dad holding a shotgun near the back door, he was yelling something to whoever was outside. Simon pumped the oil prime lever and started the engine. Full auto gunfire ripped thru Alora’s dad, he slumped over and fell from his wheelchair.

Both Alora and her sister were screaming behind him.

Simon threw the throttle forward and Drove the plane straight out the door. He had no idea if he would be able to take off before hitting the desert sands across the runway, but he continued on regardless. He was just below stall speed as he crossed the runway, the sand was not much further. He pulled back on the stick and forced the plane off the ground.

Solora was now in the turret shooting behind them.

Alora dragged her out and began punching her in the face. “What the f*ck did you do, Ill ****ing kill you bitch”. Alora was in tears as she continued hitting her sister.

Solora was crying as well making no attempt to protect herself.

Simon having no better way to stop her, dropped a wing rolled back and dropped the other, Slaming the girls against the sides of the cockpit. “****ing stop. What the f*ck just happened?”

Solora still crying just barley got the words out. “I stole Bills plane, I sold it to get money to fix dads legs. We spent it on dope”.

Alora started punching Solora again still crying. “You dumb ****ing ****, Ill kill you for this”.

Simon dropped a wing again. Alora stopped this time and jumped into the ball to cry. Simon still hung over got a couple of his small white pills out of the pouch below the instrument panel. He bit down and crushed them so they would dissolve in his mouth. They would start to take effect in 3 to 5 minutes.

Solora was crying behind him, She had pulled out her pipe and was trying to get her torch lit.

Simon threw back his lighter and opened a vent. “How bad is Bill trying to kill you right now? Do i need to be worried about him trying to kill us all”.

Solora took a puff, but not even meth could make her stop crying now. “He will be in the air already. I ****ing killed us”.

Simon dropped down low to try to use the camo to hide against the desert sand. About the same time his pills kicked in he heard Alora over the headset.

“Simon you need to speed up, we got two behind us, and this flying low sh*t wont work on this guy. You should have stayed high, we are not getting out of this now”.

Simon had a 15 minute tank for methanol water injection but had been warned not to use it. f*ck i dont want to die here. He hit the switch and climbed knowing full well he would be seen. The engine roared pulling harder than ever before. Simon knew if he continued to run it longer than 8 minutes he would blow the heads.
The planes behind got within range

Alora got one in her sights and blasted away. She hit a wing with a few rounds and saw the debris fly back. She fired another bust as bullets ripped holes thru the tail.

“f*ck they are aiming for me. Their not trying to shoot us down, they want us dead”.

Simon tried something he saw in a movie, he pulled the stick back into his gut. The plane looped over, and he threw the stick left, and rolled over. He was now level going the other way. both planes overshot him.

Solora was behind him lips and hands bleeding. She had been trying to die high, and her pipe was shattered in the maneuver. Alora in the back was now going on pure adrenaline. The grief and sorrow disappear when your fighting for your life, but Solora had nothing, but the fact she had just seen her dad die, and she was going to be next.

The planes had now caught up to them. Alora filled a engine with the 20mm. Black smoke and fire poured over the plane as it dropped from the sky, the pilot jumping free.

Alora switched over to the other but before she could get a shot off, bullets pounded into the plane. One flew thru the windshield just passed Simons head another grazed Solora’s leg.

Alora returned fire sending rounds thru the cockpit. This was not the way she fought, but Bill had broken the code first.

The plane slowlly rolled over and dropped from the sky.

Alora screamed while slamming herself against the plastic wall, then began to cry.

Simon set course for gateway and flew on in silence.

 

[BcRedneck]

I would like to remind everyone, I am a 9th grade dropout who has done a total of 68k words of writing in my life.
Be brutally honest about what you see. I will not be offended. It is only you guys picking out problems, that will help me.
My first novel attempt I will one day rewrite, had not a single ****ing comma till the 30k mark.
The Elements of Style will be at my door in the morning, and i will read the whole damn thing before continuing on

I thank you for your opinion the judge

 

[Droflet]

Ha, another high school drop out. Me too!

 

[The Judge]

BcR, just to remind you that the limit per thread in Critiques is 1500 words. We allow a revised version of the same piece in the one thread (provided the revision itself is under 1500) but as this new extract seemed not to be a revision but a completely different scene, I've moved it into a separate thread of its own and given it a new title.

I should be working at the moment, so I've no time for a proper critique, but just to say this does read much more easily with the separate paragraphs -- you might have gone a little too far the other way for this, but that's not so much of a problem, and in time you'll get a feeling for what can be in one para and what needs separating out.

You still need to do the editing along the lines I suggested in the other thread with the apostrophes and the punctuation inside quotation marks for speech, but rather than try to do everything in one go, I'd suggest you undertake several revisions/edits, concentrating on one aspect at a time.

 

[BcRedneck]

I'm having trouble over shooting, first no commas, then run on sentences. To much In paragraph, then too little. The apostrophe thing and lower case i's I do in spell check. I keep forgetting to do that

I have the book Elements of Style showing up today. I'll give that a good read

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks for that @BcRedneck , you have some serious workrate -had meant to get back to you about the first piece but things moved on! I'm new to writing so can't offer you much technical advice (I'm finding writing software good for typos but it seems to let me happily mangle punctuation without batting a virtual eyelid). I found the story moved at a serious pace, which seems to work but I just can't grasp the bigger picture -the characters felt real, I just couldn't figure what their overall mission is. That could well be that I'm only looking at two excerpts so ignore that if it's not something I should be aware of when reading them. One small thing -in the first excerpt Simon goes into a gunsmiths where the weapons are stacked on the ground, and then freaks because they are loaded and aimed at dick level; I might have had it mixed up but it struck me as strange.
Best of luck with it, would make one hell of an action flick.

 

[BcRedneck]

There is a end goal they are trying to accomplish, but you wont find it in these post.
As far as the lack of safety, the world I've created is basically without law. There is a government, but other
than preventing change they dont do anything. Its a huge free for all. I think i move to fast, every time a person speaks they are making a action at the same time. I originally thought that would make the story more fluid and move better, but the pace is ridiculous fast

 

[BcRedneck]

As far as work rate 1.5 to 6k a day. I am in a legal situation that prevents me from working. (NCRMD)

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

As far as work rate 1.5 to 6k a day. I am in a legal situation that prevents me from working. (NCRMD)

6k a day seems massive no matter how much time ya have -you might be into the thing linked below, I got recommended it (I know nothing about it and just gave up reading once I saw the '50,000 words in a month' bit): NaNoWriMo

 

[BcRedneck]

It was massive but it was also crap. As i learn im slowing down(alot), I'm putting more thought into it. And that takes time.

I just got The Elements of Style so its time to take a break and read that.

 

[Flaviosky]

First, congratulations for stepping in here. I can see you are very passionate about this and that is very important.

As for the story, the pace is quite frantic, but the scene demands fast pacing so it indeed feels fast. Hoorray for that. The bad side of it is that I'd like to know more of these addicted gals that see their dad die and still are lucid enough to shoot another plane down

However, there are things that would need attention.

1) I felt the structure of the paragraphs to be a bit repetitive. Almost all sentences either start with "Simon" or "Solora" or "Alora". I'd try to be a bit creative and use "He", "She" or maybe play with other forms, even starting with the context and return to the characters.

2) I found the cursing and swearing a bit distracting, and even unrealistic. I don't imagine a person talking like that, even in a stressful situation.

Now with some parts that caught my attention

Simon had a 15 minute tank for methanol water injection but had been warned not to use it. f*ck i dont want to die here.

First, the caps after the stop. Then, Maybe you could use italic to mark the character's thoughts like this. It would make easier to identify when the characters think. Also, look after the dialogue tags, so we really know when someone says something.

Do i need to be worried about him trying to kill us all”

I guess this is a question, so it ends with a "?", maybe?

Among these, there are several punctuation and caps you could easily see and correct in the text that are somewhat distracting

The grief and sorrow disappear when your fighting for your life, but Solora had nothing, but the fact she had just seen her dad die, and she was going to be next.

I find this information to be very important for the character to just drop it like that, specially considering that we know nothing about their relationship.

This will be a fun action sequence (and even a good short story) once it goes heavy editing, but I have a hard time getting invested in the characters.

Keep it up!

 

[BcRedneck]

As a ex criminal and addict the swearing and the ability to drop emotion under stress is very real.
I literally sat down with a guy that just about died from overdose, the guy thought it was a joke and was laughing about it before his face had even got the color back. There was another incident were a idiot i knew was laughing and smoking dope with a guy that had a gun pointed at him 15 minutes prior.

A friend of mine got caught cheating on his girlfriend, and less than 5 minutes later me the girlfriend him and the girl he was screwing were siting in a circle smoking cyde and laughing.

Meth works by increasing the level of the chemicals that make you happy by 1200%. This is why it is almost impossible to quit.
It is by far the most dangerous drug ever to exist, and it was no surprise to me that almost everyone in pre WW2 Germany was doing it.
I have been at the most miserable depressed moments in my life, rolled a bowl and laughed my ass off.
In the worst example i have of this i attempted to kill myself during a withdraw. A buddy of mine showed up shortly after with some more dope and i was totally ok 2 minutes later. The sh*t is ****ing EVIL. Im now 2 years sober if i had not totally lost my mind and commited a crime i would be dead DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS DRUG

 

[BcRedneck]

After that i spent a year and six months living in FPH in coquitlam. There i got to know people who have done the most evil things imaginable. Once i had been clean and my mental health became stable, I was allowed to leave during the day and i had internet.
My curiosity got the better of me and i started punching in names of the people on my unit. I can say without a doubt that the people who do the most evil sh*t ive ever heard, of are the most normal rational people you could meet.

If you dont believe me type my name into google Joseph McArthur Pereira. Once you have done that type in Canada NCRMD cases.

Although I regret many of my actions I do not regret getting myself arrested. It was the best and only solution to my problem and it not only saved my life, but gave me my second chance. Now I am completely sober and i can give life a new attempt. Writing is helping me turn the endless thoughts that now run thru my head into something. I have had a look at life at the bottom and I can only hope others wont have to.

 

[Betok_Haney]

@BcRedneck, thanks for sharing your thoughts on what must be a terribly painful, yet powerful, life journey so far. I can relate having been a spouse of an addict, diving deep into all of that turmoil. The stories I have heard, and some that I have personally experienced, are similar to what you have shared.

As you are finding out, this all makes for some powerful writing, flowing from deep within the heart. I wanted to share a book with you that was a huge influence as I was trying to sort through all of my thoughts that I desperately wanted to get on paper. What I found though this book was that it not only helped me learn to write, but also helped me heal. It was incredibly powerful, and I return to it frequently when I need help in working through my thoughts on paper (or, on screen).

The book is Writing and Being, by G. Lynn Nelson.

Sorry to hijack this thread, but I was moved by your story, writing (so powerful), and I wanted to share.

 

[Bowler1]

I'm - let's
comma She, should be , she - the sentence is ongoing, so no capitals.
If I'm finding errors there is work still to do.
As per my last review, take your time and go study threads on grammar, this will not be wasted time.

On dialogue, generally well handled and clear with some interesting lines. But it was nearly all dialogue mixed in with description, with no emotional content to hook me in. You used two writing styles only really and because of this it was repetitive near the end. Break it up, mix it up.

Full auto gunfire ripped thru Alora’s dad, he slumped over and fell from his wheelchair.

Full auto gunfire ripped through Alora's dad, and bloody guts splattered as he slumped and fell from his wheelchair. The hero's tummy turned and flipped flopped at the sad sight, he was a good guy and didn't deserve to punch out that way.

I always like a bit of blood and gore, but the emotional connection to the character, what they see, how they feel, their reaction to events is what hooks us in. Your writing... writing, writing and writing, but your not taking any risks or putting your soul on the page. Stop and think, how would you feel, what would you do, what are your feelings and emotions, because without this, it's just words. If I want actions, events that I don't have to think about I can watch Netflix. If I want to think and engage then I read, and I at least can't engage if you don't put your personality on the page. Slow down, think, plot and plan - and have the confidence to show what you feel and think. Open up, it's hard to do, but without this it's TV and not a written story.

My apologies for the grim review, but you're running full pelt and not listening to what is being said to you. Keep the enthusiasm because you'll need it, it's a longer road than you could ever imagine. Take the time to do the hard work and learn the tools of your trade and this is grammar, comma's and full stops - all very boring, but without this skill you won't pass muster. I think you have the writing bug so you'll keep going, but stop and put the work in and learn your trade. Your fully grown now, I don't care what you did in high school and it's not a excuse for skipping out on work that you know needs doing. Knuckle down, dig in, and come back and fighting.

 

[PadreTX]

This was difficult to read through. The grammar that's not in quotations needs to be improved to allow it to become an easier read.

I understand the characters using the profanities due to the lifestyle they are in. A classic example of a story with a lot of profanities is Raging Bull. My problem is my bias that the profanities throw off enjoying the story. Some people like all the profanities. Some don't like the profanities at all. Some would like it if they know ahead of time the story has a large amount of it.

I have problems understanding the setting. I get that they are at a hangar. When they get on a plane, it has a turret. They were able to get on a military plane, or some civilian plane that has somehow been modified that it has a turret.

I can see this becoming an interesting story to read about people living the drug life. It will needs revisions though for it to become an easier read.

 

[bedyak]

I don't want to rehash what others have said about your writing. I agree with most, yes you need to write with more attention to conventions of writing, but that is just time and practice my friend. You can easily learn such skills in time.

If I am being honest I found your story so engaging I didn't notice any of your mistakes, I just read. I come from a world where there are many drug users and people who have self destructive habits, it hurt reading the words, recognizing some of the touches you put in there that only life experience could actually inform your writing. The swears for me brought me back to my own youth and community, the pattern is eerily similar. The characters had some traits that were just so familiar for me, and not a place that I go easily.

I suggest this with the greatest humility: consider slowing down the events and give some introspection to your characters tell us how the rage boils up in their chest, how flesh feels beneath bone as they impact or how the rage poisoned by love is all the more brutal. Perhaps how the beating was almost cathartic as the victim was so consumed by guilt. Beyond that I need to digest the scene a bit more.

I wish I could write something so raw. You have accomplished something powerful.