Ok, I suck at descriptions. Teresa and Leisha kindly helped me in the descriptions thread but at the mo I still suck.
This is the first draft of chapter 20 from book three of my young adult novel, so it'll likely not make much sense to anybody as it's not in context.
I'm hoping for some help on the descriptions of the mountains. (Although all comments appreciated, as always!) Is the description ok? Not bad? Rubbish? Too little? Too much?
There's five characters in this scene, on horseback, heading towards the aforementioned mountains.
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Cloud, Sorrel thought. Is he still in there? Does he know what’s happening to him?
She let go of Enapay’s reins to drag her hands through her hair. Gaeshi, riding beside her, glanced at her and she gave him what she hoped was a nonchalant smile.
“He’ll be all right,” Gaeshi said.
“I don’t know,” Sorrel said, picking up the reins again. “I hope so. I won’t hurt him, Gaeshi, I won’t harm Cloud.”
“I know,” replied Gaeshi, quietly.
Sorrel felt that familiar pang of guilt. She had almost killed her dragon protector. She hadn’t given a second thought to pushing her sword into his side.
A laugh from behind made her turn in the saddle. Mojag gave her a grin and a wink and she frowned a little.
“I wish he wouldn’t be so cheerful,” she grumbled to Gaeshi. She listened as the Lamya thief chattered with the two boys and her frown deepened as she caught what they were talking about.
“...distraction,” Mojag was saying. “That’s the trick. Distract them and then make away with the goods.”
“Don’t teach them bad habits!” Sorrel warned, turning to glare at Mojag.
The Lamya held up his hands. “Wouldn’t dare, yer honour. I swear on my old mother’s life. I’ve never taught bad habits to nobody. Not once. Not never.”
“Not ever,” Gaeshi said. “You can’t say ‘not never’ that means that you have at some point.”
Sorrel smiled a little. “Perhaps that’s what he means,” she said.
Gaeshi had opened his mouth to reply when Mojag piped up again, leaving the boys and drawing his horse alongside Sorrel. “That’s exactly what I meant,” he agreed. “I never say nothing I don’t mean.”
“Never say anything,” Gaeshi started, then he waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.”
“Gaeshi,” warned Sorrel, though it was a half-hearted warning.
She watched Mojag. His eyes were twinkling and he had a roguish half smile on his lips. She pulled her gaze away. “We’ll stop soon,” she said.
“By the Noongate?” Gaeshi asked. “Like Leif suggested?”
“The Noongate’s just a fancy archway,” Mojag said. “No point to it. We can head into the mountains any old way.”
“By the Noongate,” confirmed Sorrel, ignoring Mojag. “I’d like to see it,” she added pointedly.
The green mountains of the Midori rose majestically in the distance. Daylight was fading and the shadows were lengthening. The mountains looked almost black in this light although the gentle rise and fall of their peaks made them look graceful rather than oppressive.
Sorrel clicked her tongue and Enapay moved into a lumbering trot. The two horses on either side of her matched her pace and as she glanced over her shoulder she saw the boys’ ponies trundling along behind.
Mojag started to sing quietly, much to Sorrel’s surprise. His voice wasn’t bad either and she found herself smiling a little.
She looked at Gaeshi but he wasn’t paying any attention so she turned to Mojag. “I don’t know that song,” she said.
Mojag flashed her a grin. “Made it up,” he said. “Not bad, eh? Maybe I’ll become a wandering minstrel. Can I keep the horse?”
“I don’t think wandering minstrels have horses,” Sorrel said, smiling. “Sorry.”
Mojag sat in the saddle and his horse returned to a walk. Sorrel found herself matching his pace while Gaeshi went ahead. Madden and Kali trotted past.
“The mountains are haunted,” said Mojag. “Did you know that?”
Sorrel rolled her eyes. “Ghost stories,” she said. “I don’t believe them.”
“You should,” Mojag said. He ran a hand through his hair and then nodded towards the Midori. “So many people have died there. People die everywhere, of course. But... the ghosts like to linger in the mountains. Must be the view.”
Sorrel laughed. “I suppose it must be!” she agreed. She shared a look with the Lamya thief but quickly turned her gaze away.
“You should laugh more,” said Mojag, and he trotted ahead.
Sorrel watched him for a moment, a slight frown creasing her brow. She touched her horse’s neck. “Come on, Enapay,” she murmured.
Ahead, the mountains drew nearer.
This is the first draft of chapter 20 from book three of my young adult novel, so it'll likely not make much sense to anybody as it's not in context.
I'm hoping for some help on the descriptions of the mountains. (Although all comments appreciated, as always!) Is the description ok? Not bad? Rubbish? Too little? Too much?
There's five characters in this scene, on horseback, heading towards the aforementioned mountains.
--------
Cloud, Sorrel thought. Is he still in there? Does he know what’s happening to him?
She let go of Enapay’s reins to drag her hands through her hair. Gaeshi, riding beside her, glanced at her and she gave him what she hoped was a nonchalant smile.
“He’ll be all right,” Gaeshi said.
“I don’t know,” Sorrel said, picking up the reins again. “I hope so. I won’t hurt him, Gaeshi, I won’t harm Cloud.”
“I know,” replied Gaeshi, quietly.
Sorrel felt that familiar pang of guilt. She had almost killed her dragon protector. She hadn’t given a second thought to pushing her sword into his side.
A laugh from behind made her turn in the saddle. Mojag gave her a grin and a wink and she frowned a little.
“I wish he wouldn’t be so cheerful,” she grumbled to Gaeshi. She listened as the Lamya thief chattered with the two boys and her frown deepened as she caught what they were talking about.
“...distraction,” Mojag was saying. “That’s the trick. Distract them and then make away with the goods.”
“Don’t teach them bad habits!” Sorrel warned, turning to glare at Mojag.
The Lamya held up his hands. “Wouldn’t dare, yer honour. I swear on my old mother’s life. I’ve never taught bad habits to nobody. Not once. Not never.”
“Not ever,” Gaeshi said. “You can’t say ‘not never’ that means that you have at some point.”
Sorrel smiled a little. “Perhaps that’s what he means,” she said.
Gaeshi had opened his mouth to reply when Mojag piped up again, leaving the boys and drawing his horse alongside Sorrel. “That’s exactly what I meant,” he agreed. “I never say nothing I don’t mean.”
“Never say anything,” Gaeshi started, then he waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.”
“Gaeshi,” warned Sorrel, though it was a half-hearted warning.
She watched Mojag. His eyes were twinkling and he had a roguish half smile on his lips. She pulled her gaze away. “We’ll stop soon,” she said.
“By the Noongate?” Gaeshi asked. “Like Leif suggested?”
“The Noongate’s just a fancy archway,” Mojag said. “No point to it. We can head into the mountains any old way.”
“By the Noongate,” confirmed Sorrel, ignoring Mojag. “I’d like to see it,” she added pointedly.
The green mountains of the Midori rose majestically in the distance. Daylight was fading and the shadows were lengthening. The mountains looked almost black in this light although the gentle rise and fall of their peaks made them look graceful rather than oppressive.
Sorrel clicked her tongue and Enapay moved into a lumbering trot. The two horses on either side of her matched her pace and as she glanced over her shoulder she saw the boys’ ponies trundling along behind.
Mojag started to sing quietly, much to Sorrel’s surprise. His voice wasn’t bad either and she found herself smiling a little.
She looked at Gaeshi but he wasn’t paying any attention so she turned to Mojag. “I don’t know that song,” she said.
Mojag flashed her a grin. “Made it up,” he said. “Not bad, eh? Maybe I’ll become a wandering minstrel. Can I keep the horse?”
“I don’t think wandering minstrels have horses,” Sorrel said, smiling. “Sorry.”
Mojag sat in the saddle and his horse returned to a walk. Sorrel found herself matching his pace while Gaeshi went ahead. Madden and Kali trotted past.
“The mountains are haunted,” said Mojag. “Did you know that?”
Sorrel rolled her eyes. “Ghost stories,” she said. “I don’t believe them.”
“You should,” Mojag said. He ran a hand through his hair and then nodded towards the Midori. “So many people have died there. People die everywhere, of course. But... the ghosts like to linger in the mountains. Must be the view.”
Sorrel laughed. “I suppose it must be!” she agreed. She shared a look with the Lamya thief but quickly turned her gaze away.
“You should laugh more,” said Mojag, and he trotted ahead.
Sorrel watched him for a moment, a slight frown creasing her brow. She touched her horse’s neck. “Come on, Enapay,” she murmured.
Ahead, the mountains drew nearer.