Description help?

[Mouse]

Ok, I suck at descriptions. Teresa and Leisha kindly helped me in the descriptions thread but at the mo I still suck.

This is the first draft of chapter 20 from book three of my young adult novel, so it'll likely not make much sense to anybody as it's not in context.

I'm hoping for some help on the descriptions of the mountains. (Although all comments appreciated, as always!) Is the description ok? Not bad? Rubbish? Too little? Too much?

There's five characters in this scene, on horseback, heading towards the aforementioned mountains.

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Cloud, Sorrel thought. Is he still in there? Does he know what’s happening to him?

She let go of Enapay’s reins to drag her hands through her hair. Gaeshi, riding beside her, glanced at her and she gave him what she hoped was a nonchalant smile.

“He’ll be all right,” Gaeshi said.

“I don’t know,” Sorrel said, picking up the reins again. “I hope so. I won’t hurt him, Gaeshi, I won’t harm Cloud.”

“I know,” replied Gaeshi, quietly.

Sorrel felt that familiar pang of guilt. She had almost killed her dragon protector. She hadn’t given a second thought to pushing her sword into his side.

A laugh from behind made her turn in the saddle. Mojag gave her a grin and a wink and she frowned a little.

“I wish he wouldn’t be so cheerful,” she grumbled to Gaeshi. She listened as the Lamya thief chattered with the two boys and her frown deepened as she caught what they were talking about.

“...distraction,” Mojag was saying. “That’s the trick. Distract them and then make away with the goods.”

“Don’t teach them bad habits!” Sorrel warned, turning to glare at Mojag.

The Lamya held up his hands. “Wouldn’t dare, yer honour. I swear on my old mother’s life. I’ve never taught bad habits to nobody. Not once. Not never.”

“Not ever,” Gaeshi said. “You can’t say ‘not never’ that means that you have at some point.”

Sorrel smiled a little. “Perhaps that’s what he means,” she said.

Gaeshi had opened his mouth to reply when Mojag piped up again, leaving the boys and drawing his horse alongside Sorrel. “That’s exactly what I meant,” he agreed. “I never say nothing I don’t mean.”

“Never say anything,” Gaeshi started, then he waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.”

“Gaeshi,” warned Sorrel, though it was a half-hearted warning.

She watched Mojag. His eyes were twinkling and he had a roguish half smile on his lips. She pulled her gaze away. “We’ll stop soon,” she said.

“By the Noongate?” Gaeshi asked. “Like Leif suggested?”

“The Noongate’s just a fancy archway,” Mojag said. “No point to it. We can head into the mountains any old way.”

“By the Noongate,” confirmed Sorrel, ignoring Mojag. “I’d like to see it,” she added pointedly.

The green mountains of the Midori rose majestically in the distance. Daylight was fading and the shadows were lengthening. The mountains looked almost black in this light although the gentle rise and fall of their peaks made them look graceful rather than oppressive.

Sorrel clicked her tongue and Enapay moved into a lumbering trot. The two horses on either side of her matched her pace and as she glanced over her shoulder she saw the boys’ ponies trundling along behind.

Mojag started to sing quietly, much to Sorrel’s surprise. His voice wasn’t bad either and she found herself smiling a little.

She looked at Gaeshi but he wasn’t paying any attention so she turned to Mojag. “I don’t know that song,” she said.

Mojag flashed her a grin. “Made it up,” he said. “Not bad, eh? Maybe I’ll become a wandering minstrel. Can I keep the horse?”

“I don’t think wandering minstrels have horses,” Sorrel said, smiling. “Sorry.”

Mojag sat in the saddle and his horse returned to a walk. Sorrel found herself matching his pace while Gaeshi went ahead. Madden and Kali trotted past.

“The mountains are haunted,” said Mojag. “Did you know that?”

Sorrel rolled her eyes. “Ghost stories,” she said. “I don’t believe them.”

“You should,” Mojag said. He ran a hand through his hair and then nodded towards the Midori. “So many people have died there. People die everywhere, of course. But... the ghosts like to linger in the mountains. Must be the view.”

Sorrel laughed. “I suppose it must be!” she agreed. She shared a look with the Lamya thief but quickly turned her gaze away.

“You should laugh more,” said Mojag, and he trotted ahead.

Sorrel watched him for a moment, a slight frown creasing her brow. She touched her horse’s neck. “Come on, Enapay,” she murmured.

Ahead, the mountains drew nearer.

 

[ValerieJLong]

Well - the unwarned reader doesn't know yet that the mountains shall be important (shall they?). So it's quite okay just to mention them. It's not their time yet. Fine.

If you need to stress their haunted-ness, use the good old show-don't-tell. Things will happen, and the reader may remember this initial line. Perhaps your protagonists will talk about it again. But there won't be much description. Mountains simply exist. From the distance, they are majestic or else. As you come closer, you may see some details of their ruggedness, but the overall impression may diminish. Once you're in the mountains, you see details, but rarely the entire shape.

Hope that helps.
Val

 

[chrispenycate]

So they are old mountains, smoothed and without the chasms and jagged bits you get on younger ranges, like the Alps or Himalayas. There might be deep river valleys, but they're not going to be difficult the way the more rugged mountains would. They might be high (although the description "green" suggests they're not snow tipped), and the lack of sharp peaks means they are high all along, with no deep passes, but there will be no sharp inclines, few avalanches and rockslides.

And I can tell all this from the few words of description you've given so far.

 

[Chel]

I liked the descriptions - seems really pretty in your world! I wouldn't mind a bit more descriptions, though, but that can come later.

ARE those mountains haunted? Does Mojag believe they are? That's difficult to make out from this excerpt, but since it's chapter 20, your readers will know him well enough to know if he was serious or joking about it. If you think you need it he could maybe suppress a shiver when talking about it instead of running a hand through his hair - Sorrel did that too earlier, and the repetition jarred me a bit. Unless of course they've been together for so long that Mojag has picked up this mannerism from Sorrel. In that case you might want to emphasize it a bit.

I really enjoyed the quite relaxed tempo in this excerpt, by the way. It was a little bit slow, but not boring at all. It felt like a nice build-up, letting the readers catch their breaths in between faster sequences.

Oh, just one thing; it might be rather difficult to sing while on a trotting horse. Trotting can be a bit bouncy. I haven't been doing any riding for years and years, so please get a second opinion and don't take my word for it.

 

[Droflet]

Hello Mouse,
I liked this piece very much. What I'm getting from your description of the mountains is: green, majestic, gentle, graceful, and finally, haunted. Hmmm, without turning your mountains purple perhaps something along the lines of hauntingly majestic??? There's nothing wrong with your description, but if you are trying to convey: beautiful but dangerous, perhaps another line that says: She looked at the beauty and for a reason she could not fathom, she shivered. Although I'm sure you can think of a better way. Anyhooo, hope my rambling has helped in some small way. Good luck.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Mouse - I've only doen the mountain description bit since it's what you were concerned about - OK so I added a little bit more too - what can I say, I,m hopeless.

The green mountains of the Midori rose majestically in the distance. Daylight was fading and the shadows were lengthening. The mountains looked almost black in this light although the gentle rise and fall of their peaks made them look graceful rather than oppressive. (slight problem here with the 'the rather than oppressive'. That hints that they have been referred to as repressive before whereas in this extract that reference doesn't exist. You could try "belying their oppressive reputation" or some such.)

Sorrel clicked her tongue and Enapay moved into a lumbering trot. The two horses on either side of her matched her pace and as she glanced over her shoulder she saw the boys’ ponies trundling along behind.

(I think there's a displacement problem here in that the two boys had earlier moved alongside Sorel, in which case the two horses either side would be the two boys, who therefore couldn't be trundling behind - plus if they were in fact trundling some mention of them getting a hurry on is required because pretty soon they will be left behind by those in a lumbering trot )

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[ctg]

“The Noongate’s just a fancy archway,” Mojag said. “No point to it. We can head into the mountains any old way.”

“By the Noongate,” confirmed Sorrel, ignoring Mojag. “I’d like to see it,” she added pointedly.

The green mountains of the Midori rose majestically in the distance. Daylight was fading and the shadows were lengthening. The mountains looked almost black in this light although the gentle rise and fall of their peaks made them look graceful rather than oppressive.

Sorrel clicked her tongue and Enapay moved into a lumbering trot. The two horses on either side of her matched her pace and as she glanced over her shoulder she saw the boys’ ponies trundling along behind.

I see, you have a small problem not a big one as you might be feeling. Your two dialogue lines leading the reader towards the mountain are good, but in the second line you should really focus Sorel's attention towards the mountains.


“The Noongate’s just a fancy archway,” Mojag said. “No point to it. We can head into the mountains any old way.”

“By the Noongate,” confirmed Sorrel, as she turned her gaze towards the jagged peaks looming over the horizon. “I’d like to see it,” she added pointedly.


By changing the personal narration to a description narrative, you alter the reader mindset towards the mountain range. As you can see I use very vague description so that the reader can easily imagine their own mountain range, that certainly is different to what you have in your mind.

If you need help in your head, then take a look at this picture,

Not all of them will imagine it to be like that, but in a meantime, it will help you to focus your attention to what you need to describe, although I would personally want to see exposition on what Sorel knows about the mountains.

Maybe you could add memories, stories or even rumour to describe certain place or places at mountain. Plus add there range of animals, or even few occasional mountain trolls, or giants etc.

In that way, you leave the reader to imagine the range, when you focus your attention to the necessary details.

PS. Remember that the weather also sets the mood. So if you cover the mountain in a cloud-cover, it means that readers expect rain and worsening conditions when sun-shine means happy times.

 

[Mouse]

Super quick reply as I'm at work and shouldn't be here! Not read all the responses yet, but thanks guys! I will read and digest properly later.

TEIN, there's five characters in the scene. The two horses which move alongside her are ridden by men, the two boys are different characters behind them on ponies.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Mouse:

Yep. Horses OK - That's what happens when you skip to the point of interest - You only get half a story

Sorry

 

[Mouse]

If you need to stress their haunted-ness, use the good old show-don't-tell. Things will happen, and the reader may remember this initial line.

Nah, the haunted-ness isn't important, it's just characterisation on Mojag. He's a story-teller and an utter liar.

So they are old mountains, smoothed and without the chasms and jagged bits you get on younger ranges, like the Alps or Himalayas. There might be deep river valleys, but they're not going to be difficult the way the more rugged mountains would. They might be high (although the description "green" suggests they're not snow tipped), and the lack of sharp peaks means they are high all along, with no deep passes, but there will be no sharp inclines, few avalanches and rockslides.

And I can tell all this from the few words of description you've given so far.

Thank you, Chris. I'm glad it comes across like that! Phew!

I liked the descriptions - seems really pretty in your world! I wouldn't mind a bit more descriptions, though, but that can come later.

ARE those mountains haunted? Does Mojag believe they are? That's difficult to make out from this excerpt, but since it's chapter 20, your readers will know him well enough to know if he was serious or joking about it. If you think you need it he could maybe suppress a shiver when talking about it instead of running a hand through his hair - Sorrel did that too earlier, and the repetition jarred me a bit. Unless of course they've been together for so long that Mojag has picked up this mannerism from Sorrel. In that case you might want to emphasize it a bit.

I really enjoyed the quite relaxed tempo in this excerpt, by the way. It was a little bit slow, but not boring at all. It felt like a nice build-up, letting the readers catch their breaths in between faster sequences.

Oh, just one thing; it might be rather difficult to sing while on a trotting horse. Trotting can be a bit bouncy. I haven't been doing any riding for years and years, so please get a second opinion and don't take my word for it.

Cheers, Chel. I'll change the Mojag hand-hair thing. I wrote this chapter in two sittings and missed the repetition there.

As for the horse riding, I thought the exact same thing as I was writing it. I used to ride horses (also years ago!) and figured that with a sitting trot you'd be bouncing too much to even talk probably, let alone sing, but thought maybe a rising trot would be a bit smoother... so I added the 'he sat in the saddle' bit. But I reckon I'll just scrap the whole trotting bit and just have them walking!

Hello Mouse,
I liked this piece very much. What I'm getting from your description of the mountains is: green, majestic, gentle, graceful, and finally, haunted. Hmmm, without turning your mountains purple perhaps something along the lines of hauntingly majestic??? There's nothing wrong with your description, but if you are trying to convey: beautiful but dangerous, perhaps another line that says: She looked at the beauty and for a reason she could not fathom, she shivered. Although I'm sure you can think of a better way. Anyhooo, hope my rambling has helped in some small way. Good luck.

Hauntingly majestic, I like it! Cheers.

Maybe you could add memories, stories or even rumour to describe certain place or places at mountain. Plus add there range of animals, or even few occasional mountain trolls, or giants etc.

In that way, you leave the reader to imagine the range, when you focus your attention to the necessary details.

PS. Remember that the weather also sets the mood. So if you cover the mountain in a cloud-cover, it means that readers expect rain and worsening conditions when sun-shine means happy times.

Awesome, cheers matey! Helpful stuff.

Mouse:

Yep. Horses OK - That's what happens when you skip to the point of interest - You only get half a story

Sorry

No worries! Your comments about the 'oppressive reputation' is perfect and way better than what I've put, so I'll be changing that!!

Thank you, all!