the chronicles

[cornelius]

I have been working on something, which I refer to as the chronicles( it has nothing to do with this forum, but I did find this forum by browsing the net in search of similar titles(cf my writings)) . I started out in my own language, but I soon came to think that English suits me better. I have read quit a lot of the tales in this thread, and I soon found out that my writings are quite different. my style isn't as lyrical, it is far more bold and rough. I'd like to post a piece of it anyway ( currently I have reached the barrier of 35.000 words), but I still hesitate. The story is fantasy ( I like think of it as fantasy anyway) meaning
- orcs
- self invented races , such as the akhborad ( sound familiar? I hope it doesn't! )
- Magic
- it refers more to fantasy games, which might also be the reason why the style is rather " shallow"

My question is the folowing

" can I put a part of the chronicles in this thread, considering it is not as styled as the other ones currently placed?"

I here by apoligise for spelling errors and gramatical errors, like I said, English isn't my mother tongue)

 

[Marky Lazer]

Feel free to do so.

Where you from anyway?

 

[Timeros]

Doesn't seem like it's forbidden or anything, as long as it observes the Guidelines. Then again, I'm new here too.

 

[cornelius]

Feel free to do so.

Where you from anyway?

I will, thx!
I am from the region where the poppies grow
where the fries are served and the beers flow
where the last posts ring
and the chocolate is king
where the pretty girls are at
and the others are fat

I am from Ypres ( Belgium)

aND

 

[Timeros]

Hey, that might mean another person who speaks Dutch (well, Flemish, anyway). What part of Belgium, exactly?

 

[cornelius]

Hey, that might mean another person who speaks Dutch (well, Flemish, anyway). What part of Belgium, exactly?

West- Flanders ( the west corner, between Ieper and Poperinge)
sounds familiar?

Pleasure to meet you, Timeros

 

[Timeros]

Pleasure to meet you, too.
Je begrijpt dit dus?

 

[cornelius]

yep! gaan wij ier echt het nederlands introduceern? LOL
Amsterdam? nice!

 

[chrispenycate]

This thread having gravitated to the low countries, I'll add a bit of altitude.
Though a relative newcomer here myself, I'd say that you should definitely post it- what earthly use is a "critique"forum if only perfect works are accepted? The whole idea of here is to start by putting it in an environment where it can develope, build up some resistance, rather than starting with the wolf pack.

 

[cornelius]

This thread having gravitated to the low countries, I'll add a bit of altitude.
Though a relative newcomer here myself, I'd say that you should definitely post it- what earthly use is a "critique"forum if only perfect works are accepted? The whole idea of here is to start by putting it in an environment where it can develope, build up some resistance, rather than starting with the wolf pack.

1. here we go! part one! actually; the intro sorry for the bad fonts...

Introduction

Third era ended in the Great War, in which all races had fought. It was the true battle, the final battle, deciding which forces were to be the ones to rule the world. The events in the second era had led to the amalgamation of all the continents, forming the continent of Nymbulin. The evil forces were led by Mardùm, the evil arch warlock. The warlock had found the staff of Mogoroth, the living form of evil, who had founded the dark side of the world, long before the first era. The staff was the true core of Morogoth and all his power, marked by his fangs. The staff was merely concealed by the Fist of Morogoth, the last remain of this creature. The fist had turned into a seemingly impenetrable piece of rock, the only girder between Morogoth and the world. Mardùm had found this rock by searching the scrolls of Kerylin, a precious item he had inherited from his father, who was head councilor of Larthos, the High-elven king. The scroll alone sufficed to both find and break the fist, giving the finder total power. As he took hold of the staff, the fangs formed an unbreakable bond between the core of Morogoth and his carrier, which allowed the Dark one to fully absorb all of Mardùms, will. It did not take long before Mardùm was devoured by the power of Morogoth. He fled to the dark side, were he soon got the loyalty of the Fallen hiding there. They had been longing for a strong emperor, who would lead them to an endless raid of pillage and slaughter. The fallen where great in number, but they alone wouldn’t stand long against the well equipped and trained forces of light. With the power of Mogoroth in his hand, he opened the gates to Mantir’s hell, a very dark realm, releasing demons, ghouls and the fierce black knights, all led by Khanor the Reaper. This newborn army conquered the whole of the west, but Mardùms thirst for power and land was not quenched by this…

His troops marched on, crossing the hills and the sea of Pestok, the sole barrier between good and evil. No one withstood them at first, but then a council was made. The council established a strong alliance between the forces of the east. This Alliance declared war, and both armies met near Kor. The fight was harsh, many great warriors fell. The high elven mages managed to counter, wiping out many lines of Fallen. The black knights fell under the swords of the silver horde. But then Mardùm arrived, and the aspect of the staff alone was enough to cause death, chaos and fear within the allied forces. An unknown group of heroes was brave enough to withstand the staff, and they encouraged the allied troupes to fight once more. Mardùm was blocked out by the highest arch mages known to roam this realm. His troops faced defeat, but he had managed to evoke one last spell, wiping out nearly all the Allied forces, and endangering the existence of Nymbulin. But his powers were weakened by battle, and he did not succeed in his attempt to wipe out civilization. Harin Moros, the human arch mage, had tracked down the fleeing troops. He found the Warlock in the field of Hackaran. The battle was horrible; every strike shook the fields, altering the surroundings.
With a mighty blow of his sword, he was able to break the evil staff of Mardùm, and on its shreds grew vast rock mountains, the mountains of Hackaran, sealing the Evil staff for eternity. The immense powers of Morogoth were released. Doom seemed near, but the mass of pure energy found no worthy carrier. It was soon consumed by its own form. The form could not survive without a strong host, it transformed into a cloud of lightning and fire. The form finally exploded and the whole realm shook. The shock was so hard it even shifted the stars. New constellations were formed, and new wisdom came with them…

A new era had begun. The Great War had ended the third era and led to a great outspread of all races. The mountains of Hackaran had lined out throughout the whole continent of Nymbulin. The western part was shredded by earthquakes, and the volcano activity and vast lines of rocks had made it almost impossible for creatures to survive. The last of the fallen fled in underground caves. The climate was harsh, and shattering storms were followed by hurling winds, known as the voice of Mardùm, the evil arch warlock, who had begun the Great War. The dwarven warriors had known defeat, and what was left of their troops drew back to the very eastern parts of Nymbulin, to the highlands of Katan. The loss of their greatest city, Moriliën, had made them bitter and angry. The greater part of them went into the mines, never to be seen again. The High-elvens, of who many had died as well, were seen heading to the south. The elvens followed their tracks, but they ended at the ruins of Athmandir and Arivin, meeting nothing but an endless mass of water. The humans had been the most fortunate of the allies; they had enough forces left to do away with the remaining evil or so they thought. Every race started to rebuild their cities, improving them to prevent history of repeating itself. The earthquakes evoked by Mardùm had shifted the earth layers, revealing new wealth. Thousands of years passed, and quarrels within the Human civilization had dispatched them into a northern and a southern part.

And so, the fourth era went on. New civilizations were built. The southern part of Nymbulin was now divided in four parts. There was no profound interaction between them. Men had grown to a strong race, with great numbers. They controlled the Outland and the mines in the north, together with the whole of the south. Their strongest city was Brouxollos, sheltered in a vast layer of rocks, the only remains of Pestok’s horn, the biggest of the former hills. The sea had dispatched into salty lakes, both controlled by men. Pestok’s lake, the biggest of the two, later formed a border between men and the barbarian. Later, when one of the mountains in the west collapsed, they built a vast line of cities, known as Kalandiah.

The Barbarians took over the woods in the north, including the Silver Mountain. Their main city was Osgoroth. This city was great in form, but less in value, since the barbarians refused to build their cities in resemblance of Brouxollos. They also control the Isles of Lessa Mea and Bloodvarn.
The Dwarvens in the east were totally surrounded by the Highlands of Katan. The mountains had devoured the ruins of Moriliën, and it is believed that the Dwarvens still search for the remains. Their capital city is Arvish, at least so it seems on the surface. Their numbers are few, and little is known about them. The only way to enter the highlands is through crossing the Irin Delta into Moulsak.

The elvens still reside in the south, protected by the inner Sea and an unnatural forest, in which no other dares to set foot. There are many uncertainties about them, but many claim Aralathin to be their biggest city. Rumors speak of a great dividing between the elven society due to the quest in search of the high elvens, however elvens are believed to be too peaceful and just to give in into these quarrels. They are also few in numbers.

Many centuries pass by, but the memory of the Great War remains. New creatures were seen near the mountains, which were soon named orcs. Some said that the fallen had mingled with demons to obtain this new and stronger form. Despite the fact that they grew in number, no one saw the threat in them. No one knew that something festered in the west, remembering old words of evil. No one knew that the gate of Mantirs hell had been re opened. No one knew what dangers laid in the fifth era…

- find the 434534354 errors!
- tell me how much this sucks!
- if replies are good, more is yet to come...

 

[Timeros]

Third era ended in the Great War, in which all races had fought.

I guess that'd have to be "The Third Era".

It was the true battle, the final battle, deciding which forces were to be the ones to rule the world.

should be what forces, or more likely, whose forces, depending on context.

The events in the second era had led to the amalgamation of all the continents, forming the continent of Nymbulin. The evil forces were led by Mardùm, the evil arch warlock.

Arch-warlok or archwarlok sounds, IMO, slightly less corny.

The warlock had found the staff of Mogoroth, the living form of evil, who had founded the dark side of the world, long before the first era. The staff was the true core of Morogoth and all his power, marked by his fangs. The staff was merely concealed by the Fist of Morogoth, the last remain of this creature.

The fist had turned into a seemingly impenetrable piece of rock, the only girder between Morogoth and the world.

I dunno. Do you mean to imply it was merely guarded by the fist, and therefore easy to uncover. That would seem to be contradicted by the next sentence. Or do you want to say that it was the only thing concealing it, so that the word 'only' would probably be the better term to use.

Mardùm had found this rock by searching the scrolls of Kerylin, a precious item he had inherited from his father, who was head councilor of Larthos, the High-elven king. The scroll alone sufficed to both find and break the fist, giving the finder total power. As he took hold of the staff, the fangs formed an unbreakable bond between the core of Morogoth and his carrier, which allowed the Dark one to fully absorb all of Mardùms, will.

You're better of losing that comma.
And another that's not a 'mistake' per sé, but more of a hint: Morogoth's core is perhaps a better term than 'the core of Morogoth', IMO. It's a bit more compact.

It did not take long before Mardùm was devoured by the power of Morogoth. He fled to the dark side, were he soon got the loyalty of the Fallen hiding there. They had been longing for a strong emperor, who would lead them to an endless raid of pillage and slaughter. The fallen where great in number, but they alone wouldn’t stand long against the well equipped and trained forces of light.

A hint (and one of the first thing I learned when I started to write). NEVER use contractions when not directly quoting. 'was not' and 'would not' instead of 'wasn't' and 'wouldn't'.

With the power of Mogoroth in his hand, he opened the gates to Mantir’s hell, a very dark realm, releasing demons, ghouls and the fierce black knights, all led by Khanor the Reaper.

Perhaps you should change the 'very dark realm' into something a bit more...sinister. The way that bit is written sounds a bit...childish. (No offense meant. I make many mistakes quite similar to that).

This newborn army conquered the whole of the west, but Mardùms thirst for power and land was not quenched by this…

Perhaps you should change the latter bit to 'was still unquenched'. Works fine as stated though, again more of a personal opinion.

His troops marched on, crossing the hills and the sea of Pestok, the sole barrier between good and evil. No one withstood them at first, but then a council was made. The council established a strong alliance between the forces of the east. This Alliance declared war, and both armies met near Kor. The fight was harsh, many great warriors fell. The high elven mages managed to counter, wiping out many lines of Fallen. The black knights fell under the swords of the silver horde. But then Mardùm arrived, and the aspect of the staff alone was enough to cause death, chaos and fear within the allied forces. An unknown group of heroes was brave enough to withstand the staff, and they encouraged the allied troupes to fight once more. Mardùm was blocked out by the highest arch mages known to roam this realm. His troops faced defeat, but he had managed to evoke one last spell, wiping out nearly all the Allied forces, and endangering the existence of Nymbulin. But his powers were weakened by battle, and he did not succeed in his attempt to wipe out civilization.

Harin Moros, the human arch mage, had tracked down the fleeing troops. He found the Warlock in the field of Hackaran. The battle was horrible; every strike shook the fields, altering the surroundings.
With a mighty blow of his sword, he was able to break the evil staff of Mardùm, and on its shreds grew vast rock mountains, the mountains of Hackaran, sealing the Evil staff for eternity. The immense powers of Morogoth were released. Doom seemed near, but the mass of pure energy found no worthy carrier. It was soon consumed by its own form. The form could not survive without a strong host, it transformed into a cloud of lightning and fire. The form finally exploded and the whole realm shook. The shock was so hard it even shifted the stars. New constellations were formed, and new wisdom came with them…

A consistency question: You earlier mentioned the staff gave its wielder 'total power'. Now, I'm assuming this is hyperbole (after all, they are fighting. One does not fight someone with total power. One gets wiped out), but even so, it seems kinda strange that someone with 'total power' is beaten by a human.

Then again, I have NO IDEA whatsoever what these archmages are capable of, so perhaps I should just STFU
Finally, this may just be Deux ex Machina

A new era had begun. The Great War had ended the third era and led to a great outspread of all races. The mountains of Hackaran had lined out throughout the whole continent of Nymbulin. The western part was shredded by earthquakes, and the volcano activity and vast lines of rocks had made it almost impossible for creatures to survive. The last of the fallen fled in underground caves. The climate was harsh, and shattering storms were followed by hurling winds, known as the voice of Mardùm, the evil arch warlock, who had begun the Great War. The dwarven warriors had known defeat, and what was left of their troops drew back to the very eastern parts of Nymbulin, to the highlands of Katan. The loss of their greatest city, Moriliën, had made them bitter and angry. The greater part of them went into the mines, never to be seen again. The High-elvens, of who many had died as well, were seen heading to the south.

That should be the High-elves, of whom many had died

The elvens followed their tracks, but they ended at the ruins of Athmandir and Arivin, meeting nothing but an endless mass of water. The humans had been the most fortunate of the allies; they had enough forces left to do away with the remaining evil or so they thought. Every race started to rebuild their cities, improving them to prevent history of repeating itself. The earthquakes evoked by Mardùm had shifted the earth layers, revealing new wealth. Thousands of years passed, and quarrels within the Human civilization had dispatched them into a northern and a southern part.

Again, that should be Elves Plus, I'd like to hear what kind of quarrels. Quarrels don't really start without a reason

And so, the fourth era went on. New civilizations were built. The southern part of Nymbulin was now divided in four parts. There was no profound interaction between them. Men had grown to a strong race, with great numbers. They controlled the Outland and the mines in the north, together with the whole of the south. Their strongest city was Brouxollos, sheltered in a vast layer of rocks, the only remains of Pestok’s horn, the biggest of the former hills. The sea had dispatched into salty lakes, both controlled by men. Pestok’s lake, the biggest of the two, later formed a border between men and the barbarian. Later, when one of the mountains in the west collapsed, they built a vast line of cities, known as Kalandiah.

The Barbarians took over the woods in the north, including the Silver Mountain. Their main city was Osgoroth. This city was great in form, but less in value, since the barbarians refused to build their cities in resemblance of Brouxollos. They also control the Isles of Lessa Mea and Bloodvarn.

Are these barbarians human? If so, why The Barbarians, instead of barbarians, unless they really are a group of people.

The Dwarvens in the east were totally surrounded by the Highlands of Katan. The mountains had devoured the ruins of Moriliën, and it is believed that the Dwarvens still search for the remains. Their capital city is Arvish, at least so it seems on the surface. Their numbers are few, and little is known about them. The only way to enter the highlands is through crossing the Irin Delta into Moulsak.

The elvens still reside in the south, protected by the inner Sea and an unnatural forest, in which no other dares to set foot. There are many uncertainties about them, but many claim Aralathin to be their biggest city. Rumors speak of a great dividing between the elven society due to the quest in search of the high elvens, however elvens are believed to be too peaceful and just to give in into these quarrels. They are also few in numbers.

More 'dwarvens' and 'elvens'. I do wonder: is this perhaps intentional, to discern yourself from other writers?

Many centuries pass by, but the memory of the Great War remains. New creatures were seen near the mountains, which were soon named orcs. Some said that the fallen had mingled with demons to obtain this new and stronger form. Despite the fact that they grew in number, no one saw the threat in them. No one knew that something festered in the west, remembering old words of evil. No one knew that the gate of Mantirs hell had been re opened. No one knew what dangers laid in the fifth era…

- find the 434534354 errors!
- tell me how much this sucks!
- if replies are good, more is yet to come...

Not that many errors by a long shot, and you definitely don't suck. It's a very epic story, and has some nice background. The minor beef I do have is that it is written in the style of a history book. Not at all bad, except I wonder well you are going to place it. It is, I think, not very well suited as a prologue.

 

[cornelius]

[/font]
I

Not that many errors by a long shot, and you definitely don't suck. It's a very epic story, and has some nice background. The minor beef I do have is that it is written in the style of a history book. Not at all bad, except I wonder well you are going to place it. It is, I think, not very well suited as a prologue.

thx, but this is indeed a short history. It is not like the the book itself, but prologue. The story is being made ready, It'll reach you before the end of this week. Thx a lot, IOU

I hope this answers all your questions

the reason why the warlock has been defeated, are the folowing
- the human mage is part of the Algrin clan, a group of mighty warriors with godlike powers. No one knows their true origin, and I myself am still working on it
- the warlock had lost a greater part of his strength by summoning Khanor, the reaper, and by opening one of the hell- realms ( there is more than one, which explains the term ' mantirs' hell"
- Morogoth was to much for Mardum to handle, the poor man was practicaly decomposing because of the overload of strength ( note that the power of Morogoth evantually consumes its own form)
- there are more reasons, but I am still working on them.

the Barbarians are indeed Human, though with a slight physical advantage. They live up North, where the red gem is ( more about this later, unless you ask me to tell you more now. The Humans have the yellow gem.

Elvens and dwarvens are chosen on purpose , but hey, I can change it if you want.

the chronicles are still far from finished, but you helped them a big step in the right direction. There is still a lot to be written. As youcontinue reading, you may stumble upon loads of uncertainties about the characters:worlds;races;... but that is because I will work on some sort of Simarilion when the chronicles are finished

Mind that English is my third language, after Nederlands and Français.

I highly value your opinion, you should not even consider to STFU; my friends did, and look where it has gotten me. I thank you.

 

[Timeros]

If you do intend to publish, I advise against placing too much. However, it is possible that, as a prologue, a bit dry. Perhaps having someone tell this to the main character -with the occasional interjected question- would be more interesting.

 

[cornelius]

I won't, I just haven't find the way to introduce this text in the story
care to read part I????

 

[Timeros]

I won't, I just haven't find the way to introduce this text in the story

Well, feel free to use my idea of a teacher/someone telling this to one or more main characters, making it into a bit more of a monologue with the occasional question asked.

care to read part I????

Very much, please.

As an aside, I'd still like to know how it came the bad guy got defeated with total power

 

[cornelius]

Well, feel free to use my idea of a teacher/someone telling this to one or more main characters, making it into a bit more of a monologue with the occasional question asked.


Very much, please.

As an aside, I'd still like to know how it came the bad guy got defeated with total power

the total power is in fact not as total as described in the profecy. The power is in fact the abiltity to rallye troops, open the gates to hell and so on. But the summoned creatures need power as well, for they would not be able to do much if they were just a bunch of scrawny hoboes. So, Mardums looses a great deal of this power by using the abilities mentioned above. He was also in battle, you know, and battle costs energy, like the MANA you find in most games. This mana seems endless, but it is not. And you must admit, opening hellgates, summoning the very harbingers of death ( the reapers, although in this case there has only been summoned one), and an army of black knights... isn't just a stroll in the park. Besides, the openent of Mardum was an Algrin. These god empowerd warriors are not like the ordinary john and joe; they have existed since god knows when ( he does, he is related to them). Other strikes upon poor old Mardum: the high-Elven mages. Other thing: Mardum thought he was the One to restore the forces of evil; in fact he wasn't. Most men thought that Mardum had total power, but in fact, he couldn't handle it, he wasn't supposed to open the fist ( which is one of the hands of Mogoroth himself; it turned into rock through time) and there by he spilled a part of the power. More is yet to come on this subject, and a lot of ( virtual) ink will blot on it! thanks for caring, BTW.

 

[Timeros]

Ah, it's all clear. That's what i wanted to know. I had already guessed he was not totally omnipotent, but I severely underestimated the foes he had to deal with. I eagerly await the next installment

 

[cornelius]

Part I: the battle for Brandhook ( first half)

It was getting dark. A lonely horseman rushed trough the forest .He had to reach his destination, and warn the others, before… Sweat appeared on his face. He was frightened. They already caught the other messengers; chances are they were tracking him down as well. Why did they wait so long? Why did they give “them” the time to form an alliance …?

- Hold on boy, come on…

The journey had taken its toll. The horse slowed down. It couldn’t go on running anymore. To make some progress, he let the horse walk. A mist rose from the valley. The horse got nervous. The knight drew his sword and went deeper into the forest. He had troubles of getting through, the dead trees seamed eager to lock him in. He had gone of the path for some time now, since that had been the orders .He figured that he had been discovered now. He knew they were after him. He knew they were close, too close. If he would haste to the open field, he still had a chance. Grunts came from the bushes. The air got a sour scent. Orcs! Fear seemed to renew the horse in force. They turned over, straight to the open field. The air got full of the stench. A mocking laughter rose from the mist. He was surrounded, the mist got thicker. Orcs appeared out of the fog. He was doomed. In a last effort, he gave his horse the spurs and charged .he heard a snap coming from behind him. He felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. The laughter got louder. A sword went up, everything became dark. The last thing he heard was a scream, as he felt his horse turning underneath him.

The sun rose unto a new morning. Cornelius got up. Today, he and his friends would go collect wood from the old forest, and make a nice stock to get through the winter. He had had a hard night, full of weird, frightening dreams. But he had no time to worry much about them. A hard knock shook him from his thoughts. His friends were there.

- Where you at, sleepy head!
- Wait, I have to get my axe… all right, I am ready!
- Hurry up; we got a rough day ahead! Balian even got up faster than you!
- Very funny, Elegia!
- Did you already get the horse ready?
- Yep, and we got the food and the equipment with us! Now hurry up, Cornelius!
- Finally, the door opens! Hello!
- Greetings! Hope you’re in a good shape!
- Better then I ever was, unlike you!
- I had some Nightmares, that’s all. Now, let’s get going, shall we?

The village was still sleeping. The only signs of life were the smoke from the bakery, and the inn. Brandhook was a small village, only about 40 houses, plus a solid town hall, made out of rocks. The town hall was more of a small stronghold, with a tower and a gate. The villagers lived from farming and cattle, but some earned their money by bartering, since Brandhook was also a stop for travelers. All of the houses were built in resemblance of the firmer stone houses, which were typical of the western villages. Every villager could recognize the houses of familiars by looking at the woodworks. The greater part of the villagers had had a great line of ancestors who had built and decorated the houses. Many of them had been great woodsmen. The nicest in decoration were the town hall, the chapel and the inn.
The inn, which was called “the fireplace”, was known for its good quality meat and excellent beer, and also partly for its owner Merric Goldhorn. He was already the ninth in line of the Goldhorn Innkeepers in Brandhook. The Goldhorns were known to have Dwarven-like barter skills, and an ability to convince about everyone to buy stuff from their shop. They also held out a weekly market on the village square, and they organized an annual market, with barterers from throughout the country. They were usually on their way to the bigger events in Saint John, but they were always willing to spend a night or two in that famous Inn. Although the village was rather far from the bigger cities such as Yperes, it was safe. The village had a wooden palisade, made firm with iron, and two towers, which gave a keen view over the whole of the valley. The guards saluted the early travelers.

- Greetings! Be careful out there! The forest is full of orcs!
- Its day now, what is the worst that could happen to us?
- You’ll have to spend the night deep in the forest! It’s dark as hell in there!
- We’ll make a nice little fire! Moreover, there is the three of us.
- I have my bow and arrows, and so does Elegia!
- And we still have our daggers and axes! Balian will chop them up!
- If you’d have to face orcs, go to the monastery. No evil will dare to go there!
- It is in the west! It is a real fortress, if you ask me, and I bet the monks are mean fighters.
- And good brewers! Best beer in the region and far beyond. With a nice bit of meat…
- Maybe that is why king Nurimir is so supportive towards the monastery.
- If you say so, we might stop by there once... Goodbye!
- Still, be careful out there!
- Don’t worry, we’ll be fine! See you in three days!

The journey was nice and quiet. Nothing indicated troops of swarming orcs, they didn’t even find tracks. The beginning of autumn made the forest look fairy-like. The sun could easily peek through the trees, and the colors of brown, yellow, orange and some green made the forest look like a living painting. After a meal of salted meat, grey bread and some apples, they wend deeper into the woods and began to search for some dead or sick trees to chop, there the wood was only meant to burn in the fireplace. They used one of the lesser frequented roads, since the main road did not go through the oldest part of the forest. It was on their side of the valley, so they made plans to go out for a look later on the day to see their village from a different point of view. This side of the forest was not as colorful, since many of the trees in it did not blossom anymore. The trees here were old, grey and scruffy, like something had taken the life out of them. It was not one of the best places to spend the night. Many believed this part of the forest was haunted, but it didn’t look scary at all in broad daylight. The sun could easily get through the wild growth of dead branches. They were near the oldest part when Balian noticed something odd.

- What is this? A mark of a hoof, and here too. They go deep…
- And that sour stench! A scent of evil!
- It must be orcs! Something very bad has happened here, recently! The trails are fresh!
- Get the weapons! How on earth did they get here without leaving other marks?


Armed with the axes, they followed the smell and the trails. They found a half eaten corpse, surrounded by three dead orcs. The corps still had his sword in his hand, and the spurs on his boots indicated that he was a rider. A bit further was his horse, swarming with flies, eyes still open with fear. Elegia checked the Armour; after all he was the specialist.

- It’s a rider from Kalandiah, from the border city! Look at the banner, and the shield!
- He was trapped. These are all orc-traces. They come from the bushes, but end there. Let’s leave as soon as we can. A curse lies upon this place!
- We can’t just burry him and pretend like nothing happened! We must warn the village that there are orcs in the area!
- Would those orcs dare to attack our village? I mean I only see about a dozen tracks…
- What about this then?

Cornelius had found a letter, in one in the horse-baggage. He read it aloud:

“Honored king Nurimir”

Orcs are swarming the country, the situation is critical. They are with thousands, and that is not nearly the worst. My men found tracks of gigantic trolls, and it even gets worse… Evil has turned to the forces of Hades; we even found trails of black knights, and the undead! We have already slaughtered 23 skeletons and 15 undead stalkers; they were all spotted north of the kaaibrook. We have reason to believe that evil has used the victims of the Great War to grow a vast army. I and my men will try to stop this force of undead and dark creatures, but we fear they might have found another passage trough the mountains, and they might be on their way to Brouxollos! They have the aim of destroying every city and village on their way…We have send scouts, but few of them have returned, and there isn’t enough time send out new ones. I’ve made my city ready for battle, and I made sure no evil shall pass it. I advice you to fortify your walls! Keep your men ready, and let no one go out at night. Call in a curfew, and fill your granaries! Evil is coming your way! If you survive it, please send us troops! We will hold on, for your glory!

May god strengthen us in battle, and fortify our soul!
Tonomirien, lord of Hertoc, border post at Kalandiah
P.s. beware of the mist…

- They have hunted him down, trapped him, slaughtered him… His mission has failed.
- Not if we proceed, in his name! Don’t you see how bad this is?
- The army must be if even Duke Tonomirien asks for help…
- Let’s return to the village, before nightfall! We must strike alarm!

 

[Timeros]

Part I: the battle for Brandhook ( first half)

It was getting dark. A lonely horseman rushed trough the forest .He had to reach his destination, and warn the others, before… Sweat appeared on his face. He was frightened. They already caught the other messengers; chances are they were tracking him down as well. Why did they wait so long? Why did they give “them” the time to form an alliance …?

- Hold on boy, come on…

The journey had taken its toll. The horse slowed down. It couldn’t go on running anymore. To make some progress, he let the horse walk. A mist rose from the valley. The horse got nervous. The knight drew his sword and went deeper into the forest. He had troubles of getting through, the dead trees seamed eager to lock him in. He had gone of the path for some time now, since that had been the orders .He figured that he had been discovered now. He knew they were after him. He knew they were close, too close. If he would haste to the open field, he still had a chance. Grunts came from the bushes. The air got a sour scent. Orcs! Fear seemed to renew the horse in force. They turned over, straight to the open field. The air got full of the stench. A mocking laughter rose from the mist. He was surrounded, the mist got thicker. Orcs appeared out of the fog. He was doomed. In a last effort, he gave his horse the spurs and charged .he heard a snap coming from behind him. He felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. The laughter got louder. A sword went up, everything became dark. The last thing he heard was a scream, as he felt his horse turning underneath him.

Something I noticed: You've stated this 'lonely horseman' once, and then used 'he' consistently for an entire series of sentences. George Orwell may disagree with me, but I prefer a bit more of a varied referral to people. So, instead of 'he' all the time, throw in 'the messenger' , 'the horseman', or even 'the fugitive,' every now and then.

Besides that, there are a few general comments.

-The contraction thing I mentioned earlier, and
- The dialogue. I think you're better off with more regular ways of writing, because it more clearly shows who is speaking at any time, which can be especially important during conversations between more than two people. Also, it allows you to display actions during speaking better, as well as the fact that they are panicky, screaming, interjecting, or whatever.

I'll cover the rest in greater detail later, when I've read it more closely.

 

[cornelius]

[/font]
Something I noticed: You've stated this 'lonely horseman' once, and then used 'he' consistently for an entire series of sentences. George Orwell may disagree with me, but I prefer a bit more of a varied referral to people. So, instead of 'he' all the time, throw in 'the messenger' , 'the horseman', or even 'the fugitive,' every now and then.

Besides that, there are a few general comments.

-The contraction thing I mentioned earlier, and
- The dialogue. I think you're better off with more regular ways of writing, because it more clearly shows who is speaking at any time, which can be especially important during conversations between more than two people. Also, it allows you to display actions during speaking better, as well as the fact that they are panicky, screaming, interjecting, or whatever.

I'll cover the rest in greater detail later, when I've read it more closely.

This I know. I am working on the dialogues, but I prefer them as they are now, since I haven't worked out a system that pleases me. I have had some different line-ups, but damn, dialogues are hard to line. I wish you the vey best with reading