Salt

[GCJ]

I see others have commented on some of the technicalities here, so I won't go into that, but thought I'd say that I really rather enjoyed this. It could be tightened up in places - some red ink wouldn't go amiss - but I think it's a really nice start.

One thing: you really don't need the first paragraph - I'd remove it

I just read it back again fully for the first time since I posted it. I can most definitely see your point about red inking it. I suppose that sometimes a story has to be sat on for a while so that you're coming back to it with a fresh outlook.

What I've learned the most in the short time I've been attempting writing is that it's a constant evolution. I've already taken on and considered many of the comments and directions afforded to me by the good folks here when working on my latest thing.

And thanks for the kind words.

 

[vonHelldorf]

Oh, I meant to add about the use of the word 'said'. I'm reading conflicting ideas about that. On one hand, some say the use of 'said' too often is unimaginative, but others say the use of more descriptive tags is essential. Thoughts?

'Said' and 'asked' are always fine to use. They're regarded as invisible to the reader. Mixing it up at the right times with the likes of shouted, whispered etc. works too. If there's only a couple of characters talking you mightn't need to write anything since it should be clear who's speaking.

 

[December88]

At first I didn't read that you had turned this into a short story.

So i read through the piece, and although it was very well written (you have a very nice conventional style), it was a lot of nothing out of the ordinary happening. Which was sort of fine, but also not. I got that it was meant to lead up to the nuke announcement, but i though, that if you were to halve its length, and maybe, somehow add in a bit of foreshadowing to keep a slight current of tension flowing, that it would be a much better build up to the nuke. His reaction to the nuke frankly threw me off, and only then did I realize, at the abrupt end, that it was probably a short story.

I scrolled back up, and as suspected, it was indeed supposed to be a short story, which got me wondering why.

Because despite everything, I liked the piece, and if it was edited a bit, to incorporate the aforementioned changes, I think it could end up being a very interesting novel. You have the writing skills, you have the story and the character. If you follow Brian's advice and somehow get us more vested in the character, much earlier, I think you could publish that novel you wanted to write.

Btw Brian, that video was great!

 

[GCJ]

Thanks @December88 for the kind words and for taking the time to critique Salt.

I agree that the beginning of the story is much ado about nothing. It was originally an attempt at a novel, but I got a few thousand words in and decided that taking on a story about the mathematical inevitability of economics was a project that wouldn't bring much fun to my writing. As such, I decided to end it abruptly and get on with the continuation of a proper sci-fi book I've already written; something fun, to me, and something that screamed at me to keep going.

Perhaps my frustration with the piece shows through in many ways that all you good folks have picked up on.

Some prior tension would've been a good idea; a sense of suppressed doom and an urgency to get home and fret over the news perhaps.

Thank you especially for the encouragement and kind words with regards to my writing style.

Now... I'd better finish my baguette, put my grey bump cap back on, and head on down the stairs. Those machines won't remedy themselves before the end of time.