Chapter opening (162 words)

[sozme]

Having a lot of trouble with this chapter in multiple areas. I'll start with the beginning here (its 162 words). Of the versions I have written, this is the one that I think flows best, but I still don't like it. I'm not sure if I should have the setting description ("The air was hot, heavy" etc.) earlier or at all. Any suggestions for improvement would be lovely.
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The stolen starcraft lay ruined in plain sight of the intended target. It was half-buried in muck above the beach, surrounded by military vans with flashing blue-and-red lights. Driscoll Cannon led the other SCAR towards the cordon, eyes squinted against the salt-water spray whipped in his face by the gathering wind.

“How many dead?” Cannon asked.

An unnaturally large man with spiked blonde hair and coke-bottle sized goggles looked up from the hologram on his wrist.

“Thirty-two dead, three still alive,” Klein said. “The Juno Defense Authority is absolutely sure there’s no explosives.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what they’re sure of,” Cannon snapped. “I want this ship combed over completely before this storm hits.”

The air was hot, heavy, and damp. The sky was a glowing haze of bilious orange. Lightening flickered continuously through a blanket of bloated clouds covering the entire sky. Pools of dirty rainwater gathered in divots of purple-colored sand.

 

[The Big Peat]

Can I suggest a longer excerpt? I honestly don't know whether the setting description is good or not without seeing what follows.

How far into the book is this?

What I can tell you is I'm not sure why we should care at this point. I had a decent idea of what we care about (although I don't know what the intended target is and I don't know what a SCAR is - maybe these have been covered before hand) but the why is totally up for grabs. Again - this could have been dealt with before, this might be in the next bit of the chapter. It does need to be somewhere though. 32 dead and a crashed stolen starcraft are just mere data; what's the particular hook that makes this a big deal?

 

[Brian G Turner]

The stolen starcraft lay ruined in plain sight of the intended target - what intended target? . It was half-buried in muck above the beach, surrounded by military vans with flashing blue-and-red lights are these military vans OR Military Police or simply police?. Driscoll Cannon led the other SCAR towards the cordon, eyes squinted against the salt-water spray whipped in his face by the gathering wind.

“How many dead?” Cannon asked.

An unnaturally large man you've named Cannon - why not simply name this person? Also, "large" in what context? with spiked blonde hair and coke-bottle sized goggles looked up from the hologram on his wrist.

> If Klein is the unnaturally large man, then put this line directly after the one above, to show that this is the same person and not someone else being introduced “Thirty-two dead, three still alive,” Klein said. “The Juno Defense Authority is absolutely sure there’s no explosives.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what they’re sure of,” Cannon snapped. “I want this ship combed over completely before this storm hits.”

The air was hot, heavy, and damp. The sky was a glowing haze of bilious orange. Lightening flickered continuously through a blanket of bloated clouds covering the entire sky. Pools of dirty rainwater gathered in divots of purple-colored sand. I might consider putting this as close as possible to the opening, else remove it, because you already asked us to imagine the scene in the first two sentences, and now you're asking us to imagine it again in specific detail, potentially undermining the original image you invited us to imagine.

Hope that helps.

 

[VinceK]

I agree with @The Big Peat, a longer excerpt, with some context as to where it appears in the story, would naturally give you more feedback.

The air was hot, heavy, and damp.

You can bring the reader closer to the character by showing how the environment affects the character. Sweat, humidity etc.

 

[crystal haven]

Having a lot of trouble with this chapter in multiple areas. I'll start with the beginning here (its 162 words). Of the versions I have written, this is the one that I think flows best, but I still don't like it. I'm not sure if I should have the setting description ("The air was hot, heavy" etc.) earlier or at all. Any suggestions for improvement would be lovely.
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I think this still needs a bit of work, but I like the voice and was interested in finding out what was happening. I'd need a bit more information pretty soon though, after this excerpt. This is just how it worked for me. Someone else might feel differently. I hope it helps a bit.

The stolen starcraft lay ruined in plain sight of the (its?) intended target. It was half-buried in muck (What kind of muck? Soil, mud?) above the beach, surrounded by military vans with flashing blue-and-red lights. (I think military vans is enough, or a different description, otherwise I'm imagining police vehicles.) Driscoll Cannon led the other SCAR towards the cordon, eyes squinted (squinting, I think.) against the salt-water spray whipped in his face by the gathering wind. (I suggest putting the description paragraph up here: The air was hot and heavy. The sky a glowing haze of bilious orange… ‘Glowing’ feels unnecessary. It also changes the pacing.

“How many dead?” Cannon asked. (If it’s windy, does he have to shout against the wind to be heard?)

An unnaturally (How important is this to be given here? It pulls me away from the situation.) large man with spiked blonde hair and coke-bottle sized goggles looked up from the hologram on his wrist.

“Thirty-two dead, three still alive,” Klein said. (If Cannon knows Klein’s name why didn’t he use it above?) The Juno Defense Authority is absolutely sure there’s no explosives.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what they’re sure of,” Cannon snapped. “I want this ship combed over completely before this storm hits.”

The air was hot, heavy, and damp. The sky was a glowing haze of bilious orange. Lightening flickered continuously through a blanket of bloated clouds covering the entire sky. Pools of dirty rainwater gathered in divots of purple-colored sand.

 

[Ihe]

You've given us very little to go on with, as the others have said, but here's what I gathered from the excerpt:

The stolen starcraft lay ruined in plain sight of the intended target

The "intended target" is confusing, as others have pointed out.

coke-bottle sized goggle

Coke bottle-sized? If you are referring to the thickness of the goggles, there are clearer similes/hyperboles out there.

The air was hot, heavy, and damp

If the wind is blowing from the sea, it wouldn't be hot and heavy. But I don't know what kind of alien planet this is, so I'll say no more.

The sky was a glowing haze of bilious orange. Lightening flickered continuously through a blanket of bloated clouds covering the entire sky

The sky is mentioned twice in a row, with both sentences describing it. For something as simple as the sky, one sentence should be enough to say all that needs saying about it--unless it is a very alien sky (which it didn't seem like it). I also think setting should come at the beginning, so as to set the tone for the whole scene.

Pools of dirty rainwater gathered in divots of purple-colored sand.

If it's just been raining, there is no time for the rainwater to be dirty (then again, I don't know how long it's been raining for--a mention of this maybe? Also, beaches are usually cleaner than everywhere else. But again, I'm being put into he story with no previous info.

 

[ThomasG]

I'd have put a comma in the first sentence, after 'ruined' and remove from 'heavy and damp'.
Lightning, not lightening.

 

[sozme]

Hope that helps.

Very helpful as usual

 

[sozme]

Can I suggest a longer excerpt? I honestly don't know whether the setting description is good or not without seeing what follows.

I'll do just that today. I'm working on it as we speak, will probably post in a new thread though because it'll be a different word count.

 

[sozme]

I'll do just that today. I'm working on it as we speak, will probably post in a new thread though because it'll be a different word count.

1st POV chapter [1,423 words] is the expanded and edited version. thanks for your time everyone.