Opening Chapter 1398 words (cyberpunk post-apocalyptic thriller)

[Cli-Fi]

Been fleshing out this idea for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what the title of this is going to be yet, but options include: Uplink, The Disconnect, and Abandoned Bricks. Feel free to weigh in on which title you like best too.

Chapter One: Bricked​

Daphne Perry belonged to the last generation that was raised by the internet. Even as a young kid she remembered being seduced by its all-encompassing power. Later this had grown into a love affair she had developed, while naturally learning all about its everlasting hold on society. All while living through it. Like a drug or a curse or a religion, everybody was an involuntary part of this living network that seemed unstoppable, and sometimes, when all was quiet, she knew we still longed for it.

Blinking her eyes in the Noon sun, as she strolled down the street on her way to teach some kids about all this stuff she remained, lost in thought. Unknowing that someone was following her.

She remembered how the internet grew from infancy and exploded from 1995-2020. How everything from currency to speech patterns had been transformed by the World Wide Web, and a shiver went down her spine as she found herself struggling with the reality that kids today face without that wonderful tool. Now, an unfortunate footnote in history; references to the internet can only be found in textbooks.

As she squinted and fumbled around her pocketbook for some antique looking sunglasses. She longed for those reflective cherry red bio-implants that automatically adjust light in the eyelid. The promise of Artificial Intelligent bio-implants from the years 2020-2040. Where the internet had essentially turned into an extension of the human body, was where it started to go very wrong.

As she came across the University parking lot she dodged one of the many bricks that had been abandoned by their users. As she saw her reflection staring up at her from a government mandated safe distance, she felt a lump in her throat and neck got tight as she walked past what used to be a phone. It showed us such promise and we threw it all it away, for nothing. That’s when she heard it. The tap, tap, tap, of little feet scurrying away in the distance.

She quickly glanced over to the palm trees on either side of the walkway leading into the main campus but she didn’t see anyone close by. So taking one last look behind her, she continued thinking about her notes.

She couldn’t shake that feeling of connectedness, the longing to share everything that was going on with her life to friends, family, and colleagues. She would even sometimes find herself reaching out and fumbling around in the dark for that faint green glow of a nonexistent LED charging light, or missing the nifty bright screen that was always bedside even if it was simply used in order to light her way to the bathroom in the dead of night.

Nestled between the baby pics, the E-mails, the Emoticons, and the Gifs, she was raised to believe that internet access was a universal right and that it would always be here. Forever. Then it happened, the internet ceased to exist. One day the world tried to get on the web, to check their email, clear their notifications, and to update their status, but they soon found out they could never do so again. It just never worked right again.

Society descended into madness, but in the two decades since then, it patched itself back together. Sloppily, with duct tape to mask the yearning feeling most had to end this nightmare we were all living in. A hope, a wish that things could just go back to normal could still be seen in the desperate eyes of the old. While the young tapped on black mirrors not expecting any signs of life to show itself. For the signs were all around us and we were ill prepared to deal with the after-taste.

“Hey, can you help me figure this out?” Daphne Perry felt someone tug at her skirt. The little boy that was staring back her couldn’t be more than ten years old from what she could see of his face in the shadows of the trees. What shocked her more was how he was able to hold a brick in his hands without any side effects.

She bent down and cupped her palm to the side of his chin. The kid was analyzing the brick by tracing the sides with his eyes. She watched in wonder as he continued to waddle in his frustration.

Daphne’s face tightened as she realized what was happening. She had heard of the phenomenon before but she never knew it affected kids this young. Her body seemed to shake frantically as she backed up to a safe distance away from the boy. “I think you should put that down now, kid.” She egged him on with her hand motions, “Come on what do you say?”

“I know it has to take an electrical charge, but I can’t figure out how to even turn it on,” What struck her was that he was so young. She had seen the symptoms develop in her older colleagues particularly those that were around technology before the phenomenon, but clearly this boy didn’t know what he was doing, could be dangerous to his health.

She sighed as she asked him the question his parents should have asked him a long time ago, “Now, why would you ever want to turn it on? The bricks are here not to be touched, but rather left as a reminder.” He shouldn’t even be able to go near the brick let alone pick one up and analyze it.

Looking confused, he shrugged as he placed the brick down on the street where he found it, “Just curious. I saw it in a museum, on a class trip, and we went to see the bricks. They said you can still find some here on the ground. It wasn’t hard, if you knew where to look.”

Daphne smiled at the kid, he had discovered what she liked about this place, not too long ago. There was a lot of history here. But there was something unsettling about a kid who was curious about the inner workings of the bricks. As any tampering of the gadgets and gizmos of old was highly illegal.

As young as he was, she worried about the type of atmosphere that he had grown up in. Obviously his parents must have been some type of disgruntled ex-techies that had been missed in the registration. He might have been exposed, but she would never accuse anyone of doing that, especially to their own child, if she didn’t have any evidence to back it up. He might simply be curious about the device that he had just found on the floor. Left there in preservation as a reminder to all who went too far.

Shell shocked that someone as young as he would be curious enough to go hunting, as he claimed, for the bricks that lined the sides of streets and clogged storm drains near the university campus. Obviously he didn’t know what dangers lie beneath the bricks’ shiny glass surface. She had seen how no other kid had volunteered to help him, and most hurried out of their way when they came up close to the boy. It was like he became a leper the second he touched the brick. He wasn’t supposed to, but he did anyway.

What does that mean? Is our dependence on technology still in our gene pool? Daphne shook her head out of her deeper thoughts for now, “I’m sorry, kid. I really don’t have the time to tell you why we don’t use the bricks anymore. Your parents should be the ones to tell you, what happened. Perhaps you can ask some nice police officers and they will show you the proper way to dispose of the brick.”

“NO!” The kid yanked the brick from where he had placed it and he quickly stashed it into his pocket. “I thought since you were an old person, you would want to help me! Why does nobody want to use these things anymore? I heard that they were great.” The kid pouted and stomped away.

Daphne sighed, as she looked across at the university, “Maybe you can take my class in a couple of years and learn what really happened,” or at least what we think really happened, Daphne thought to herself as she got up to walk to her class.

This is just 4 pages out of 8, I have written so far.​

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think there's more explanation of background info than actual story in this. Try and make it more immediate by chopping out all the infodumps so that we start with a story, are carried along with it, and you can drop in any necessary info as you go along - as is often said, you have an entire book to drop all this stuff in.

 

[Gonk the Insane]

I loved the premise you described in your summary thread - The Disconnect Summary/Idea (Sci-fi thriller) - but I did find a bit of a disconnect () between the summary and this opening, and I think that part of that may be the opening three paragraphs: they provide a lot of information, but as Brian said it's infodump rather than contextual, and this immediately kicks things off at a slow pace.

So, Daphne's a technology historian you said in your summary, right? I think that - aside from the sheer level of info in those opening paragraphs - this causes a problem. If she's an expert in her field, how likely is it she will be reflecting on a top-level summary at any point in her day? If she's been doing it for any length of time, all that broad strokes info is already known and understood, so I would expect her to be thinking about something far more detailed and technical. Although it's a good device for filling the reader in on the world you've created, in this case it feels forced so you can introduce that info (which alerts us to the fact it's a narrative/authorial device instead of slipping through and feeling natural).

As she came across the University parking lot she dodged one of the many bricks that had been abandoned by their users.

For me, this is where it starts to get interesting: a hint of something different to the real world we know. For me, everything before is a very passive narrative that - if absolutely needed - could come later, possibly delivered in smaller chunks. This, though, is a nice tease - a familiar object, but it clearly has a different meaning in the world of the book you're writing. Something like this would, in my view, be a good opening line

A little before that, you've got this line:

Unknowing that someone was following her.

Based on your summary, I think this is something to avoid with this story: I'd suggest not telling us anything like this, but instead build some tension (like you do later with the patter of feet) and milk it.

Her body seemed to shake frantically as she backed up

You (the narrator) have already described what she is doing and thinking - either she's shaking or she's not, right?

I think there's a lot of potential here for a great story, but I also think you're trying to tell us too much in this opening. And, as you've said (albeit in the summary thread):

a post-apocalyptic thriller

I think you need to start early with something to grip our attention. The brick situation can work, I think, but you might also consider an alternative opening. For example, she's a historian, so you could open with her finishing her last project, or perhaps her recruitment for the mission in the book? The moment things get really out of hand, perhaps? Either way, I'd suggest dropping the opening paragraphs and removing as much of the infodump as you can - draw us in with little nuggets rather than summarising the whole history.

The Disconnect

I like it best out of the options, but another title may present itself as you get further in.

I really, really like the whole concept, but if this is a thriller then I think you need more tension and more immediacy from the first page - big stakes, high tension, and conflict wherever possible. Or - as you did with the brick - something that draws us into this world that's different from the one we know, a promise of mysteries to be unravelled later.

 

[tinkerdan]

This works for me as a summary of the story. As a sort of quick explanation of what you intend to write about; but not much as a story I would want to read: even though I do want to read.

The first paragraph reads as a summary of the summary and probably doesn't need to be there. I think if you could get just a bit closer to Daphne Perry, the story would become engaging enough to catch the readers interest.

As I mentioned the whole reads like a summary and the idea is interesting and I'd want to read more; but only if the characters were a bit more alive than they are here. I for one, need a closer view of what Daphne hears, sees, and feels as she takes her walk; a walk that she seems to enjoy doing, which is revealed somewhere here in.

She might be drawn here because she is secretly drawn to the thing she seems to be cautioning against; but that's a guess because we don't really have a good feeling for her. It might help a bit to show us a bit more about who Daphne is.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I loved the premise you described in your summary thread - The Disconnect Summary/Idea (Sci-fi thriller) - but I did find a bit of a disconnect () between the summary and this opening, and I think that part of that may be the opening three paragraphs: they provide a lot of information, but as Brian said it's infodump rather than contextual, and this immediately kicks things off at a slow pace.

So, Daphne's a technology historian you said in your summary, right? I think that - aside from the sheer level of info in those opening paragraphs - this causes a problem. If she's an expert in her field, how likely is it she will be reflecting on a top-level summary at any point in her day? If she's been doing it for any length of time, all that broad strokes info is already known and understood, so I would expect her to be thinking about something far more detailed and technical. Although it's a good device for filling the reader in on the world you've created, in this case it feels forced so you can introduce that info (which alerts us to the fact it's a narrative/authorial device instead of slipping through and feeling natural).


For me, this is where it starts to get interesting: a hint of something different to the real world we know. For me, everything before is a very passive narrative that - if absolutely needed - could come later, possibly delivered in smaller chunks. This, though, is a nice tease - a familiar object, but it clearly has a different meaning in the world of the book you're writing. Something like this would, in my view, be a good opening line

A little before that, you've got this line:

Based on your summary, I think this is something to avoid with this story: I'd suggest not telling us anything like this, but instead build some tension (like you do later with the patter of feet) and milk it.


You (the narrator) have already described what she is doing and thinking - either she's shaking or she's not, right?

I think there's a lot of potential here for a great story, but I also think you're trying to tell us too much in this opening. And, as you've said (albeit in the summary thread):

I think you need to start early with something to grip our attention. The brick situation can work, I think, but you might also consider an alternative opening. For example, she's a historian, so you could open with her finishing her last project, or perhaps her recruitment for the mission in the book? The moment things get really out of hand, perhaps? Either way, I'd suggest dropping the opening paragraphs and removing as much of the infodump as you can - draw us in with little nuggets rather than summarising the whole history.


I like it best out of the options, but another title may present itself as you get further in.

I really, really like the whole concept, but if this is a thriller then I think you need more tension and more immediacy from the first page - big stakes, high tension, and conflict wherever possible. Or - as you did with the brick - something that draws us into this world that's different from the one we know, a promise of mysteries to be unravelled later.

Thank you for pointing out some things I didn't think about. Maybe I mis-labelled it as a thriller, but I think it will be slower paced than a thriller as you've described. More like Atlas Shrugged Meets Walking Dead Meets Black Mirror.

I've seen the info dump work well with Climate Fiction, basically my favorite genre in movies/literature so I took at stab at it, but maybe it could be saved for a prologue of sorts? I was also thinking about opening the story when she is a kid and experiencing the loss of the internet. Is that something that could work?

I didn't really want to do that, because the novel as a whole won't specifically be about the event or even finding out what caused it. It's just a factor in the story, in the world. I want the story to be about how the world deals with this sudden lack of internet which is why I had her thinking like this even though she is a historian. She's still human. It shows the reader how people are longing for the internet even when they should know better. It's gone! They should be over it, but everyone is just acting like they are. Deep down they are broken, lost and still obsessed. That's essentially what the book is going to be about and how each character goes through the grief of such a big loss. As a historian she was thinking about all that from a more worldly viewpoint.

Immediately following these pages two events happen that are more showy and actiony.

 

[Appello]

Agree that the vast majority of this, including the whole first three paragraphs, is basically just poorly disguised info-dump. Having your main character simply meandering along, conveniently 'thinking' over the plot summary of your world, is very passive and not particularly interesting. You're also missing a massive opportunity to drip feed your reader and intrigue them by having them try to figure out what is wrong with your world. You don't need to spoon-feed your audience a plot summary like this. Just drop one or two key pieces of information - the discarded phone on the ground would be enough - and let them figure out the rest as they go. Don't forget that most of them will have read your blurb so they'll already know that your world is without internet. Then it's just a matter of selling it to them, and the way you do that is through *showing* what the world is like, not *telling* them how it is.

You also have a problem of sentence splicing and repetitive clauses in a number of places which need attention. "As x did this, y happened" is fine occasionally, but if you use that same sentence structure again and again it becomes very noticeable. Also incomplete sentences, mistakes in dialogue punctuation and a strange use of authorial voice with the rhetorical questions are all things that jumped out at me as being jarring. Thankfully, they are all technical issues which can be fixed with enough study and practise

As an aside, I find it hard to believe that a government with such an anti-technology attitude just leaves phones lying around in the street for anyone to pick up. This seemed odd to me.

 

[Vaz]

The start seems to be all info-dump. And I don't get much feeling for the character.

This needs to be closer to the character (for my tastes). Where's the hook? What are the stakes? How does your character feel about the world?

The character is always the "emotional compass" for the reader, and this piece comes across as distant. If I can't get close to a character and care about the world then I won't read on.

It's a good premise, just lose the info-dumps and bring it closer to Daphne.

Jus' a few thoughts.

 

[VKALFIERI]

I like Uplink as a title. I dunno what sort of crit you're after; but I went through (am on my phone, so can't mark where I made changes) and took out some of the paragraphs and prose I think you could take out to make this tighter. I also added and took away some punctuation. Once again, sorry for not marking my changes, but my phone makes it too hard to mark them out.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind that I went through and made what I think are some changes that get to the story slightly quicker; while still leaving room for a little backstory.

Been fleshing out this idea for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what the title of this is going to be yet, but options include: Uplink, The Disconnect, and Abandoned Bricks. Feel free to weigh in on which title you like best too.

Chapter One: Bricked​

Daphne Perry belonged to the last generation that was raised by the internet. Even as a young kid she remembered being seduced by its all-encompassing power. Everybody was an involuntary part of this living network that seemed unstoppable, and sometimes, when all was quiet, she knew we still longed for it.

Blinking her eyes in the noon sun, as she strolled down the street on her way to teach some kids about all this stuff she remained, lost in thought.

A shiver went down her spine as she found herself struggling with the reality that kids today face without that wonderful tool. Now, an unfortunate footnote in history; references to the internet can only be found in textbooks.

She squinted and fumbled around her pocketbook for some antique looking sunglasses. She longed for those reflective cherry red bio-implants that automatically adjust light in the eyelid. The promise of Artificial Intelligent bio-implants from the years 2020-2040. Where the internet had essentially turned into an extension of the human body, was where it started to go very wrong.

As she came across the University parking lot she dodged one of the many bricks that had been abandoned by their users. As she saw her reflection staring up at her from a government mandated safe distance, she felt a lump in her throat and neck got tight as she walked past what used to be a phone. It showed us such promise and we threw it all it away, for nothing. That’s when she heard it. The tap, tap, tap, of little feet scurrying away in the distance.

She quickly glanced over to the palm trees on either side of the walkway leading into the main campus but she didn’t see anyone close by. So taking one last look behind her, she continued thinking about her notes.

She couldn’t shake that feeling of connectedness, the longing to share everything that was going on with her life to friends, family, and colleagues. She would even sometimes find herself reaching out and fumbling around in the dark for that faint green glow of a nonexistent LED charging light, or missing the nifty bright screen that was always bedside even if it was simply used in order to light her way to the bathroom in the dead of night.

Nestled between the baby pics, the E-mails, the Emoticons, and the Gifs, she was raised to believe that internet access was a universal right and that it would always be here. Forever. Then it happened, the internet ceased to exist. One day the world tried to get on the web, to check their email, clear their notifications, and to update their status, but they soon found out they could never do so again. It just never worked right again.

Society descended into madness, but in the two decades since then, it patched itself back together. Sloppily, with duct tape to mask the yearning feeling most had to end this nightmare we were all living in. A hope, a wish that things could just go back to normal could still be seen in the desperate eyes of the old. While the young tapped on black mirrors not expecting any signs of life to show itself. For the signs were all around us and we were ill prepared to deal with the after-taste.

“Hey, can you help me figure this out?” Daphne felt someone tug at her skirt. The little boy that was staring back her couldn’t be more than ten years old from what she could see of his face in the shadows of the trees. What shocked her more was how he was able to hold a brick in his hands without any side effects.

She bent down and cupped her palm to the side of his chin. The kid was analyzing the brick by tracing the sides with his eyes. She watched in wonder as he continued to waddle in his frustration.

Daphne’s face tightened as she realized what was happening. She had heard of the phenomenon before but she never knew it affected kids this young. Her body shook frantically, as she backed up to a safe distance, away from the boy. “I think you should put that down now, kid.” She egged him on with her hand motions, “Come on what do you say?”

“I know it has to take an electrical charge, but I can’t figure out how to even turn it on.” What struck her was that he was so young. She had seen the symptoms develop in her older colleagues particularly those that were around technology before the phenomenon, but clearly this boy didn’t know what he was doing, could be dangerous to his health.

She sighed as she asked him the question his parents should have asked him a long time ago, “Now, why would you ever want to turn it on? The bricks are here not to be touched, but rather left as a reminder.” He shouldn’t even be able to go near the brick let alone pick one up and analyze it.

Looking confused, he shrugged as he placed the brick down on the street where he found it, “Just curious. I saw it in a museum, on a class trip, and we went to see the bricks. They said you can still find some here on the ground. It wasn’t hard, if you knew where to look.”

Daphne smiled at the kid, he had discovered what she liked about this place, not too long ago. There was a lot of history here. But there was something unsettling about a kid who was curious about the inner workings of the bricks. As any tampering of the gadgets and gizmos of old was highly illegal.

As young as he was, she worried about the type of atmosphere that he had grown up in. Obviously his parents must have been some type of disgruntled ex-techies that had been missed in the registration. He might have been exposed, but she would never accuse anyone of doing that, especially to their own child, if she didn’t have any evidence to back it up. He might simply be curious about the device that he had just found on the floor. Left there in preservation as a reminder to all who went too far.

Shell shocked that someone as young as he would be curious enough to go hunting, as he claimed, for the bricks that lined the sides of streets and clogged storm drains near the university campus. Obviously he didn’t know what dangers lie beneath the bricks’ shiny glass surface. She had seen how no other kid had volunteered to help him, and most hurried out of their way when they came up close to the boy. It was like he became a leper the second he touched the brick. He wasn’t supposed to, but he did anyway.

What does that mean? Is our dependence on technology still in our gene pool? Daphne shook her head out of her deeper thoughts for now, “I’m sorry, kid. I really don’t have the time to tell you why we don’t use the bricks anymore. Your parents should be the ones to tell you what happened. Perhaps you can ask some nice police officers and they will show you the proper way to dispose of the brick.”

“NO!” The kid yanked the brick from where he had placed it and he quickly stashed it into his pocket. “I thought since you were an old person, you would want to help me! Why does nobody want to use these things anymore? I heard that they were great.” The kid pouted and stomped away.

Daphne sighed, as she looked across at the university, “Maybe you can take my class in a couple of years and learn what really happened,” or at least what we think really happened, Daphne thought to herself as she got up to walk to her class.

This is just 4 pages out of 8, I have written so far.​