Leaving a baby home alone?

[Brian G Turner]

I may need some guidance with this one. Is there any realistic reason why a baby might be left alone in a house? I could always change the baby to an invalid or similar, but then I'd lose some valuable subtext; one predominant theme throughout the scene is maternal instinct.

It sounds like you're writing outside of your life experience, and it will show. If you are trying to make a point about a topic, but can only do so in a contrived way, it's going to undermine your storytelling, and reader suspension of disbelief.

Teresa mentions a number of scenarios of how it could possibly happen, but I don't think you've really thought that hard on it. Rather than try and force a square peg through a round hole, you'll probably want to reconsider how you can realistically achieve what you want.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Or maybe the mother has been up with the baby all night and has put the baby in the cot whilst they walk round the block to cool down. With my first or third I would never have dreamed of doing it but my second after four months of no more than hour's sleep at a stretch with a three year old who didn't nap during the day to be honest my first thoughts weren't always the safety of the children my thoughts were how to get two hours of joined up sleep. And there was a day where rather than harm him I put him down in his cot, put his sister in front of the TV and walked round the garden to cool off. Until I got to the porch and put my shoes on I was walking out that door and not coming back. I didn't have Post-Natal Depression either I was just exhausted. Fortunately that incident forced me to get someone to look after my son for four whole hours (he couldn't do any longer because he wouldn't take a bottle) and I slept that whole time. Woke up just fine for a day or two.

He's now eight and he sleeps just fine but Mum is still an insomniac. And prior to the case Madeline McCann was far from a unique case when on holiday. Lots of parents are now disgusted by it but when I was little many parents (not mine) did leave their children locked in their rooms. My Gran's generation felt than an eight year old was more than old enough to babysit (She was an Edwardian) because before a welfare state that was what they had to do. She was the eldest so was required to help look after her siblings.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I almost had to abandon two toddlers (aged 1 and 2) when their baby brother had a prolonged seizure due to chicken pox encephalopathy (rare complication of chicken pox). The ambulance men refused to let me bring them, we had only moved into that house 8 days before and knew no one, and empty driveways told me all neighbours were out anyway. I couldn't reach my husband or any other relative because in those days not everyone had mobile phones and I was at my wits' end.
Fortunately a neighbour drove up at the last moment when I was hysterically trying to persuade the ambulance men. She had a small boy with her and although she was a little shell-shocked she took the two girls and looked after them for the next six hours until my confused husband turned up wondering where everyone was.
Since that day I made sure we both had mobiles and they're switched on. Still get emotional remembering the helplessness.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

In this case like means I read it and am getting emotional with you. I like in a village and don't drive so there are times when decisions have to be made.

 

[Dave]

I think the challenge you face, Mattersack, is to create the context that will make this believable and even understandable to readers.

I think the challenge is to create a context that would still endear the character of this woman to your wider audience, if you wish that.

In relation to the UK, no one has mentioned the disappearance of Madeleine McCann when a girl disappeared on holiday while her parents were having dinner with friends nearby. Without getting into all the details or the conspiracy theories, I remember at the time that there were huge popular discussions about whether the children should have been left unsupervised. I heard women lie that they would never ever do such a thing, when you knew that they had done so before. The mother of the child was pilloried and is still ridiculed even to this day. Yet, holiday camps such as Butlins had offered a 'listening service' up until that time which consisted of a member of staff going past the door and listening for crying. I think it is safe to say that there has been a sea change in attitudes here and people are too scared to do this today, even though the risk is no greater and probably very small. So, while your audience might have accepted such a thing happening twenty years ago, they will find it hard to warm to the character today. Personally, I think every situation will be different and that we are much too preoccupied with paedophiles and wrapping kids up in cotton wool.

Teresa has given historical examples when, in different times, it was an acceptable practice, and it may well be acceptable today in different circumstances. Certainly, earning money to give your kids food and shelter trumps all other concerns for their welfare, and unless you have been in that situation yourself it would be difficult to write convincingly about her motives.

 

[Hex]

Hee. Teresa. And move boiling pans to the back of the cooker, and kettles to the back of the counter...

It does happen, of course. It's just hard to rationalise unless you're forced into it because it feels wrong (and society says it's wrong -- note we're talking about mothers here).

When my older kid was a baby, I watched this terrible program on TV about a mother with newborn twins who was in the thrall of a determined sleep trainer and was encouraged (it came close to being forced) to leave her newborns crying alone for hours to train them to sleep and eat when they were supposed to. Her misery was intense at the beginning, but by the end of the week, she and her husband threw a party for all their friends while the babies slept, and she didn't need to check on them at all.

My point: there is supposed to be a bond. It's what makes humans survive, since small babies are no good at surviving on their own. It varies between people, and not everyone feels it -- but enough people do to ensure that the species continues. You can break it, sometimes for 'good' reasons, or because everyone tells you that you must, or you have a way to numb yourself to it. If you want your mother character to be sympathetic, though, I think it would be easiest if she was somehow forced to leave the baby (like those women who had to go to work -- and honestly, a baby sleeping drugged in the house would have much safer than a baby in a jute(*) or cotton mill, where it could breathe in all the fluff, or a baby in a mine, or in lots of other places).

(*) though in Dundee, apparently, when the women went in to work in the jute mills, the men -- who were less employable because they were bigger and cost more -- stayed at home and looked after the babies.

 

[The Judge]

I was going to reply to this before I went to bed, forgot, and then came in to find that many of the points I was going to make have been made already!

To sum up, babies -- small babies -- are abandoned, neglected, hurt, even killed by their mothers, in first, second and third world countries. It shouldn't happen, but it does. Abandonment/neglect is sometimes a product of necessity and desperation, sometimes of thoughtlessness, sometimes of sheer stupidity and cruelty. It can sometimes be the warped reasoning of post-natal depression or, as Anya says, of chronic lack of sleep, or even a semi-rational decision taken in extemis eg if the baby is crying non-stop and the single mother with no help is at her wit's end, it's very possible she's had terrible thoughts of putting something over the baby's mouth to get it to SHUT UP, in which case walking out of the house for a few hours to avoid that awful thing might seem the logical thing to do. In addition, not every mother does have "normal" maternal instincts, and if she never wanted the child in the first place, eg it's the product of rape and the local society and/or lack of money prevents abortion, she may not want to have anything to do with the baby once it's born.

How you proceed must in large part depend on how you want the mother to be perceived. If she is to be seen as good and kind and all the attributes we prefer to believe come naturally to all mothers, then the suggestion of her depending on someone else to care for the child is probably the best way to go.

The only other thing I would add is to raise a possible question mark over the setting. I've no idea if this third world marketplace you're writing about is real or an SF equivalent, nor, if it is real, whether you are writing from first hand experience, but I'd personally be a little cautious about a story which implies neglect/cruelty etc if it is meant to be a town in a real life developing country if you are writing from the comfort of the first world. I detest much of the hot air expended over cultural hegemony/appropriation and the like, but nonetheless I think it's important to examine the issues and themes of the story you are writing and think what you may be saying/implying even if only subconsciously. (And if the rescuer is white, and the local population is not white, alarm bells should really be ringing.)

 

[farntfar]

So far most of the replies have come from mothers.
As a father, who involved himself as much as possible in the raising and care of my children, I would just like to say that I would have found it virtually impossible to leave one of my children unattended in the house for much more time than it takes to put the bins out as well.

 

[The Bravest Newbie]

The only solution I could see to justify this is that the mother is irresponsible and several dirtier words. The only way a new mother would ever leave her baby home alone would be if the job didn't allow it and she was desperate for the job, or she is abusive.

 

[farntfar]

On the other hand, we have to remember that some people are reluctant parents. If you have had a child against your will, your feelings of responsibility for the child are not going to be as sure.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Sorry, I have a problem with statements that say, in effect, only bad mothers would ever leave a baby alone..or that no responsible mother would ever leave her child unattended. I believe, of course, that it should never happen that a baby is left alone, and so, unprotected. But it's an incredibly hard world, and in much of the world this is especially true for women..for mothers. There are sadly many viable scenarios wherein a mother may not be allowed to be responsible. Imagine a child bearing a child, and then being forced to work 14 hours a day. Or a woman enthralled by another. Or one addicted to drugs (would we condemn a father addicted to drugs and abandoning his parenting responsibilities as severely as we would a mother who is addicted?). Or one with mental problems who is incapable of taking care of herself. Or yes, she could be a selfish person who puts her own interests above her child's (again I'd guess this happens at least as frequently with men though, as it does with women). And in most of the world there are not sufficient funds for social services programs (where they even exist) to step in and limit the number of examples of this sort of sad situation happening.

So, I'd say yes it is possible that this could happen, MS. As several have said you will be responsible for how you want your readers to view this mother. But please consider carefully how you present this scenario in your work--it seems too important an issue to be simply a brief plot device. Sorry again, I try to avoid posting such opinionated rants. Apologies if it's too strongly worded, CC

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I agree entirely with you Cat's Cradle and it was beautifully expressed. Sometimes we have some really hard decisions to make and sometimes leaving the baby in a cot for a night-time is the best option available to an incredibly exceptional mother. There was a documentary a few years back that had me crying - I know it was set in a shanty town but can't remember where it was even. All the way through I was astounded by some amazing mothers who did everything they could in very difficult circumstances.

With my middle child (lovely boy just has energy like no one else I know and thinks 7am is a lie in and a day wasted) many, many mothers told me I had to leave him to scream. Now we're through it I'm glad we didn't apart from that one time. But is refusing to pick up a baby who is crying though the night much different? It's a choice and a decision sometimes we are too quick to brand people bad parents when actually they are not.

Tell people you've lost a baby or had a miscarriage and in my experience they are all too quick to say what you did wrong rather than offer condolences.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Oh, dear, I certainly didn't mean to sound like I felt it was always a heinous crime - but that most mothers I know wouldn't want to do that voluntarily. I think we really need the OP to weigh in and tell us what he wants the mother to be viewed as - until we know the circumstances we're shooting in the dark. But someone losing their job by bringing the baby in and facing a Solomon's choice scenario, absolutely. It's all about the context. But I'd lose sympathy with a character who did it casually.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Oh no springs, I wasn't at all thinking of your post when I responded!

(A later edit..) Forgive me, all, if my post above seemed overly critical of anyone, or to anyone. I rarely respond to threads at the Chrons with my own strong opinions, as I do not believe it my place to personally refute anyone's right to an opinion. I just have a soft spot for mothers, and a desire for all people to have representation, and fair treatment. Apologies for any misunderstandings, CC

 

[ZombieWife]

I'm agreeing with Bryan here. Many of the stories I'm hearing are pretty special circumstances. And the more you try to make that special circumstance fit into your narrative, the more it will stick out like a sore thumb.

I also agree with others in asking, how do you want this person to be perceived? If they are a hero, then you'll need to do a bit of fancy footwork to not turn off many readers.

An example: A friend of mine (who has no children) wrote a story about a mother moving to a new area. She leaves her 4-year-old with some neighbor that she met 2 days prior without even batting an eyelash. And, the neighbor doesn't allow anyone into his apartment except for the child. She never went in, looked around. And my writer friend, he did not understand what the big deal was until some of us pointed out the issue. It read as someone writing outside of what they know. I wasn't angry with the character, but my confidence in the writer went out the window. (He did later fix those parts to much satisfaction.)

There are instances, yes, where a parent will absolutely have to leave a child. But I imagine these will be in dire situations. I remember in the Joy Luck Club, one mother leaving twins by the side of the road because she knew she was dying and didn't want her ghost to follow the babies. That someone would find them and save them. Someone ended up saving HER as well and she lived a life never knowing what happened to her twins. And it haunted her. I imagine that might break some people.

Yeah, its possible, but as a reader, I will smell a ham-fisted attempt to contrive in a heartbeat. And so will most everyone else, too.

 

[MatterSack]

Okay, just to clarify, here's the rough sequence of events that currently constitutes the scene:

• Foreign soldiers patrolling a third-world neighborhood detect an explosive device on roadside.
• Soldiers clear the street of civilians.
• Scan inside all nearby houses for remaining civilians. Detect an unattended infant inside one of the houses.
• Make plans to retrieve infant before eliminating explosive device.
• Sociopathic female protagonist immediately volunteers (section-members attribute to 'maternal instinct', but really just an adrenaline junkie who seeks any opportunity for danger, excitement and heroics). Breaches back door and locates infant.
• Meanwhile, mother returns to scene in panic but is prohibited from returning to house. Becomes hysterical.
• Protagonist retrieves baby inside house (clumsily, with little empathy or regard for baby's comfort). Returns infant to safety.
• Soldiers successfully neutralise explosive device and grant civilians access to area once more.
• Protagonist (who's devoid of maternal instinct) delivers baby to frantic mother (who possesses strong maternal instinct and responds with greatest outpouring of joy protagonist has ever witnessed).
• Lack of maternal instinct represents protagonist's crippled affect and emotional deprivation.
• Protagonist envious of such powerful emotions (kick-starts her desire to receive neurogenic treatment) and of the affection showered on the infant (protagonist abandoned by biological parents at birth; fuels her desire to track them down).

Hopefully that clears up the thematic reasons for the rescued individual to be an infant. Now, potential reasons for the baby being left unattended:

• Babysitter on errand, prevented from re-entering house just like mother.
• Babysitter zoned out on drugs (already established within narrative) and unresponsive to soldier's warnings.
• No babysitter; a futuristic, self-nurturing cot is enough for the mother to feel secure when she goes to work.

Well, now, if you read the comments on any story about any kind of parenting moves, you will find that every person in the known universe (except the one the article is about) is raising children who have never been out of their sight for a second, 24 hours a day. These internet comment people do not sleep, they do not eat, they do not go to the bathroom; they sit and watch their children, who are apparently always in the same room at the same time, and they do not blink. And anyone who ever does blink, or, god forbid, leave the room for a second for any reason, should be thrown in jail and have their children taken away from them.

This made me laugh. I felt the advice was pretty histrionic... but admittedly I'm not a dad.

Perhaps what we need to know is who the mother is and her circumstances, Mattersack?

The mother isn't in any way supposed to be a bad person, just one coerced by fate to lead the lifestyle she does. She really isn't a major character; just a minor character who provokes the protagonist (who, on the contrary, could be considered a 'bad' person in some regards) to realise her emotional bankruptcy and seek to remedy it.

What do you mean as far as making the child invalid.

I meant replacing the baby with a crippled adult or similar.

It sounds like you're writing outside of your life experience, and it will show. If you are trying to make a point about a topic, but can only do so in a contrived way, it's going to undermine your storytelling, and reader suspension of disbelief.

No chance of me doing 90% of the things I'm writing about in person (particularly third-world motherhood). I rely almost entirely upon research and imagination; I think this falls into the former category.

PS: As mentioned in the list above, the protagonist is even more oblivious than I am. I always try to skew the literary odds in my favour.

I've no idea if this third world marketplace you're writing about is real or an SF equivalent, nor, if it is real, whether you are writing from first hand experience, but I'd personally be a little cautious about a story which implies neglect/cruelty etc if it is meant to be a town in a real life developing country if you are writing from the comfort of the first world. I detest much of the hot air expended over cultural hegemony/appropriation and the like, but nonetheless I think it's important to examine the issues and themes of the story you are writing and think what you may be saying/implying even if only subconsciously. (And if the rescuer is white, and the local population is not white, alarm bells should really be ringing.)

There's neglect regarding the baby on both sides (although, admittedly, you didn't know that). The protagonist is white and the locals aren't, true, but that doesn't mean I intend to portray either as superior.

So, I'd say yes it is possible that this could happen, MS. As several have said you will be responsible for how you want your readers to view this mother. But please consider carefully how you present this scenario in your work--it seems too important an issue to be simply a brief plot device. Sorry again, I try to avoid posting such opinionated rants. Apologies if it's too strongly worded, CC

The actual incident itself is no more than a scene (or potentially a chapter). Neither the mother nor the child are major characters within the scope of the novel. However it has major ramifications for the protagonist and does serve to highlight the conditions endured by the local populace.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Maybe the babysitter had some reason to panic and run away when she saw all the official activity in the neighborhood?

 

[ZombieWife]

I think any of your plausible solutions work, actually. With the scenario(s) presented, I wouldn't question it.

 

[MatterSack]

Maybe the babysitter had some reason to panic and run away when she saw all the official activity in the neighborhood?

It's a good idea (drug related you mean?). I'd prefer not to portray anybody as being so overtly cowardly though; leaving a baby in proximity to a bomb is pretty low.

 

[tinkerdan]

Since the character is minor you might try to get away by quickly glossing over the specifics. But to put perspective upon this whole thing. A facility near here dealing with suicidal patients uses 15 min watches on its patient. The suicide watch. That turned out to be too much time for someone near and dear to us. So any infant left for over 15 min would probably equate to the same toss of the coin that the 15 min watch put on the suicide patient barring that the infant may not be so determined to hurt itself. I don't think you need a long period of time and it would track much better for the time to at least seem reasonably short to the mother and it could still have a devastating impact.

On a similar note we lost a great grandchild ten days ago. 13 days ago they were in a car accident that was considered severe. No one thought to have the two year old checked (nor did they seem to realize two year olds have a more difficult time telling adults something is wrong.) in two days time it was too late (there were always some adult with her but no one noticed anything) by the third day it was time to decide where organs would go. It's very sad, but the point is that we all have lapses of judgement some time and occasionally they are fatal. We only hope that someone learns something from. Just a few moments to take the child to a specialist to examine-they might not have found anything, but they might have been able to convey what signs to look for.

Lapses in judgment can be anywhere from a fraction of a second to a protracted amount of time and the result is often not very pretty. How you frame it might end up with people thinking that it wasn't that much time--what's the big deal or that is too long a time and is not realistic. Is there some place in between that would be better? In reality there are a zillion places but in fiction it might be a delicate balancing act, which just goes to say that truth can be stranger than fiction.