Torn Skies Intro (1370 words)

[chrispenycate]

would you mind if I asked you questions about the region?

Meyrin is quite a lot higher than the Leman, so the crater, particularly if it pushed displaced soil out in a defensive wall, might well not fill. Very good drainage- glacial moraine of limestone chips.

But sure, ask away.

 

[Cascade]

I am new to the site and new to critiquing so I am hopeful that you can find my comments useful.

- Your explanations/ descriptions come too quickly and appear to me a little forced, for example

Michael Willis, a representative from Mordecai Universal Technologies,
Colonel Reno, of the 1st Marine Infantry Parachute Regiment - 2e Compagnie,
Sarah Pearson – an expensively suited observer from the Institute

I am working on the basis that we will have a an entire book to get to know these characters so there is no need to rush out the name tags early. If one was looking into a room as an observer, one might see the 'Military Officer in charge, they guy in the dodgy tie and the woman in the flash suit, and work out who they were and what they did over the course of the first few minutes', and perhaps the reader could do likewise. I appreciate however that is purely a stylistic comment.

Also

The gigantic edifice, commonly referred to as Un Ècran, had become far more than just a shield to act as a last line of defence - it had grown to be a symbol of defiance and hope to a beleaguered world.

(Haven't worked out the quote function yet, Sorry)
Wouldn't Un Ecran, be the first line of defence? You reference Hadrien's wall and indicate the threat is coming out of the rift, so the barrier is the first thing they hit, not the last. Minor I know

 

[Dan Jones]

Having read through this, I can't really add anything new, but would offer a little clarification re: Victoria Silverwolf's thoughts about the UAV. However, remember that if you're writing from the perspective of a military character, they would never, ever use the term drone (I deal with this sort of thing at work). If your POV character is a non-military person (ie a journalist) then they would use the term drone, even though they'd be wrong.

I'd say UAV is fine. If you're writing as an omniscient narrator (as CTG suggested) then both sounds wrong, and I'd simply fall back on the term "unmanned aircraft", which is technically correct and not too technical.

"Turbofan engine" - do we need to know it's a turbofan? Seems unnecessary to me (plus, it'd have to be a flippin' massive UAV).