1000th post crit

[Kylara]

I know, I'm a little over the 1000 post mark Been trying to work out what to stick on here for the crit. I decided on a part of something that started out with the theme on Gary's Malevolence anthology but which morphed itself into a completely different beasty.

It is a short, and I have been playing and leaving and playing with it again. Not sure what exactly I have a problem with, but thought you guys might like a look. I've stuck the opening, and then a bit from later in. Thoughts on both would be good. On re-reading it I am not sure if I like it anymore and I don't think the twist works too well.

Opening (71 words including title):

HC SVNT DRACONES

​

There are dragons here.

Most people would deny it, deny that they even exist; but they are here. They flash like speeding clouds across the sun, visible only for a moment, casting darkness below them. You hear them shuffling through the forests, snapping trees and howling throughout the night. They snicker in the rain and call to one another; great thundering roars that split the sky in half.

***​

Bit towards the end (385 words):


I began to worry for the dragon I saw in glimpses through the snow. I heard its wings beat needles from the trees in autumn and whip up blizzards in the winter, and still all I felt was its anger; no name melted into my mind. I would slip into the shadowed realm and still it would not let me near; even as I called for it I could feel it winging its way faster and faster away from me. I was failing, and the villagers were becoming more convinced it existed as more people vanished without snowstorms and entire herds disappeared overnight. The more they feared my snow dragon was real, the closer the shadowy realm came.

One night I heard a mind calling my own, whispering tauntingly at me so quiet all I could hear was the noise of the words. I dressed and went outside into the bitterly cold winds that had cleared the clouds from the sky. In the starlight I saw it as it approached me from the shadowy realm, snow and ice forming its scales as it entered the village.

Victrix.

This name didn’t slip gently into my mind, it slid like a knife and I recoiled, hands clasped to my head. The dragon was larger than Ploratus, and it had more sharp icy spines; it was like no other dragon I had ever seen. Where the other dragons looked welcoming and approachable, Victrix looked hostile and forbidding. There were spikes clustered around the end of his tail and his face was far more angular and threatening. Victrix kept shifting as I watched, scales fell and reformed as he strode towards me; he was shifting himself in and out of the shadowed realm, a realm which has grown larger here since the villagers started to believe the dragon was real. As he breathed, snow swirled around him, though the sky was clear, and all the heat seemed to drain out of me. The fires in the houses started to die as he walked past, his tail flicking sharply from side to side like that of a stalking cat. He stopped right in front of me and lifted his neck up to full stretch before letting out a great thunderous roar of elation that shook the snow from the roofs.


Anyway. There are the bits. Take a look, see what you think (worried face - it really doesn't read as well as it did last time I read it all ) Also the twist comes just after this bit, but I haven't put it in here.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Congrats on the 1,000th post. Now, time to critique... *sharpens claws*

exist; but - I'd just use a comma

speeding clouds across - dislike 'clouds'. Slow, fluffy, not very dragony. Shooting stars?

casting darkness below them - nice idea. Can't quite grasp it, but something about a monstrous shadow racing across the land could be another way of putting it.

them shuffling through - shuffling is a bit timid and quiet. Stomping, prancing, etc.

vanished without snowstorms - I'd change the latter two words to 'on clear days' or similar, or even 'without explanation'

the shadowy realm - referred to as shadowed earlier

me so quiet all I could hear was the noise of the words. - I'd put 'so quiet...' into a new, short, sentence. Also, 'so quiet' and 'noise of the words' seem to be at odds.

saw it as it approached - saw it approach

ice forming its scales as it entered the - so... it's scaleless? Until it enters the village?

This name - could change to His/Her

which has grown - had

he walked past - prowled, mauraded around the village, etc

 

[barrett1987]

Most people would like to deny it, deny that they even exist; but they are here. They flash like speeding clouds across the sun, visible only for a moment, casting darkness below them. You hear them shuffling through the forests, snapping trees and howling throughout the night. They snicker in the rain and call to one another; great thundering roars that split the sky in half.

Didn't like the snicker in the rain part. Unless dragons in your story are playful like kittens, snicker felt out of place, especially because the next part was thundering roars.

 

[Brian G Turner]

There are dragons here.

Most people would deny it, deny that they even exist; but they are here. They flash like speeding clouds across the sun, visible only for a moment, casting darkness below them. You hear them shuffling through the forests, snapping trees and howling throughout the night. They snicker in the rain and call to one another; great thundering roars that split the sky in half.

I never enjoy these sort of short introductions - if that's what it is - though I appreciate they are a stylistic device. IMO any book that has to start that way is an admission that the voice that follows is too weak to cover what's written here.

I could feel it winging its way faster and faster away from me.

Possible word duplication here - might want to consider an alternative?

I was failing, and the villagers were becoming more convinced it existed as more people vanished without snowstorms and entire herds disappeared overnight.

IMO "more" implies that people and entire herds were routinely disappearing, and that without this modifier, it makes the statement more implicit to what I think you mean to say.

I dressed and went outside

Dressed in what? An opportunity to throw in some detail here to help visualise it, and show period/context. Nothing fancy required, but could help liven the piece more.

Also - how did she feel? This would be a good place to put some character reaction - heartbeat, feelings, etc.

Where the other dragons looked welcoming and approachable, Victrix looked hostile and forbidding.

Victrix can look hostile and forbidding, but the other dragons either were, or were not, IMO.

There were spikes clustered around the end of his tail and his face was far more angular and threatening.

This is a very weak way to describe an angry/defensive dragon, IMO - force the tension here - make us fear him!

The fires in the houses started to die as he walked past

How does she know? We're outside, right?



Overall, I really did like this - there was a definite sense of voice and apprehension that came through, and though I've made comments, they are nit picks.

There's a lot to commend this piece - how you tell this story, and how the story is developing.

Just remember there's more to words than their poetry - eye on tension, strongest verbs, etc.

 

[Juliana]

Congrats on the 1000 posts! I think pretty much anything I would remark on (like the snickering) has been mentioned, so I'll just say I love the image of the dragon prowling through town, swishing his tail like a cat.

 

[JoanDrake]

LegioXX - Valeria Victrix. Good name.


Liked it very much overall. Tighten it a little if you can do so without losing the poetry. If you continue, however, make it more prosaic as you go. This kind of writing is very good but beyond a few hundred words it just can't help becoming purple, at least I've never seen any that didn't.


Congrats on 1000 posts.

 

[tinkerdan]

Congratulations on one thousand and counting.

Snicker - (giggles;chortle) are these laughing dragons. Thundering laughs bring on visions of Santa Clause.

'more people vanished without snowstorms' This confused me; do people disappear in snowstorms?

'I was failing, and the villagers were becoming more convinced it existed'
There seems little context above this to explain what this statement is trying to say.

The paragraph below Victrix confused me mostly it seems to be mostly imagery mixed with description that misses me because there isn't enough context about the POV character. So maybe you have something else somewhere that puts this into context.

Together there's not enough here for me to understand what is going on.

If I had to guess I would think the narrator has created this dragon in their head and then the villagers were beginning to give it shape and form through their fear and it was having some negative consequence for the villagers.

 

[hopewrites]

Congratulations

I would love to see where you take this, only go deeper into it. I struggled with the one I was (am) putting together as well, and found that I was skimming the surface of it. It sounds to me you are doing the same here, perhaps it is just the passages you have put up that feel like a fogged window to a world rather than a deep plunge into it, if so, just tighten them up and your good to go. But I suspect that the dissasitsfaction you are feeling with it is because you are trying to maintain two perspectives while writing. That of the MC and that of yourself. Drop you and stick with your MC and I think (hope) you will find that it comes together for you. I've read you before when you do so, and it's strong and clear.

 

[JonH]

I wasn't sure what you were trying to do by missing out the I in the title, and had to look it up. Are you using the peculiar spelling of the Lennox Globe for a reason that's in your story, or just trying to give a medieval map-making feel?

There are dragons here.

Most people would deny it, deny that they even exist; but they are here. They flash like speeding clouds across the sun, visible only for a moment, casting darkness below them. You hear them shuffling through the forests, snapping trees and howling throughout the night. They snicker in the rain and call to one another; great thundering roars that split the sky in half.

It's difficult to know how effective the opening is without seeing the whole story. My gut feel is that "There are dragons here" weakens it, and you should start with "Most people would..."

I wasn't sure about the word snicker. It's ambiguous, and I'm not sure it works for me whether you mean laugh or whinny.

I began to worry for the dragon I saw in glimpses through the snow. I heard its wings beat needles from the trees in autumn and whip up blizzards in the winter, and still all I felt was its anger; no name melted into my mind.

There seems to be some time shifting going on: first the snow, then back to autumn and then back to winter again. And yet you use the simple past throughout so I don't get any suggestion of flashback. Perhaps "I had heard its wings..." Also you seem to be contrasting the fact that you heard this with the anger and lack of the name, so I wondered why you used "and" rather than "but".

I would slip into the shadowed realm and still it would not let me near; even as I called for it I could feel it winging its way faster and faster away from me. I was failing, and the villagers were becoming more convinced it existed as more people vanished without snowstorms and entire herds disappeared overnight. The more they feared my snow dragon was real, the closer the shadowy realm came.

The semicolon after "near" felt too lightweight for the task. I think I'd have gone for a full stop.

People vanishing, with or without snowstorms is a big deal, as are entire herds disappearing. These aren't just hints and suggestions of something amiss, clues as to the existence of dragons. It speaks of a callousness in the POV character who describes it like that yet only worries about the dragon. You lost any chance of sympathy from me. Call for St George to slay both, I think. And quickly.

One night I heard a mind calling my own, whispering tauntingly at me so quiet all I could hear was the noise of the words.

I found this a messy sentence. My first thought was, why quiet and not quietly? I think that a comma after me would separate out the final section enough that it can describe the call and not the action of whispering. I might still be tempted to use the adverb. I'm not sure what you mean by only hearing the noise of the words. That's what spoken words are. Are you saying you couldn't pick out meaning? The final problem I have is with the repetition. You are describing one thing here as a call, a whisper and a taunt, then qualify it further. It's just too much for the structure of the sentence as it stands. I think you need to simplify it. Perhaps something like

One night a mind called my own, taunting me with a half-heard whisper.

There were spikes clustered around the end of his tail and his face was far more angular and threatening.

I would cut "There were" and "far more". I think what's important here is the picture of Victrix, rather than how he compares.

Victrix kept shifting as I watched, scales fell and reformed as he strode towards me; he was shifting himself in and out of the shadowed realm, a realm which has grown larger here since the villagers started to believe the dragon was real.

The comma after watched felt a bit light. You already told me the realm was getting nearer from their belief. If the realm's closing and growth isn't leading to a plot point, you might be overdoing it.

The fires in the houses started to die as he walked past, his tail flicking sharply from side to side like that of a stalking cat.

Just kill the fires. Use died rather than started to die.


I like some of the ideas here, and it's very difficult to do a proper critique with so little of the story. Sorry. All I could do was nibble away at the writing, instead of seeing if I thought the more important bigger picture worked.

I hope it's of some use.

 

[ctg]

First of all Kylera, your opening reminds me of Ursa's dragon story but instead of dropping straight away from the opening into the first person, doesn't work for me. Instead I would have stayed a bit longer with the imaginary you were building with roars, and dragons flying over the burgundy skyline.

So please forgive me saying this, but the hook through the imaginary at the beginning works really well, as it brings the reader close to recent film scenes, or at least posters that one could had seen all over the city. And without naming that huge monster, I think you get my hint, however, I think you should, at least for sake of it, continue the beginning story for thousand words and then cut into your main character(s).

Make this story to count as there's life in it. Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you.

 

[Bowler1]

I liked the opening lines, that flowed well for me. You can create wonderful images for me and that is becoming a real strength.


In the second section the images were as powerful again, but the emotional link with the character was a little lost in the images presented, or so I thought. The characters fear, or excitement even felt secondary to the dragon. A mighty dragon to be sure and a dragon that has my interest too, but for me it didn't feel like I was watching through the eyes of the character. My only quibble in what I thought was wonderfully colourful and descriptive writing.


Well done on 1k. Very entertaining.

 

[barrett1987]

I began to worry for the dragon I saw in glimpses through the snow. I heard its wings beat needles from the trees in autumn and whip up blizzards in the winter, and still all I felt was its anger; no name melted into my mind. I would slip into the shadowed realm and still it would not let me near;This line in green felt a little off, though im not 100% sure why. even as I called for it I could feel it winging its way faster and faster away from me. Rethink this line. the faster and faster doesn't work and the way away repeats. I didn't mind the winging word though. I was failing, and the villagers were becoming more convinced it existed as more people vanished without snowstorms and entire herds disappeared overnight. The more they feared my snow dragon was real, the closer the shadowy realm came.

One night I heard a mind calling my own, whispering tauntingly at me so quiet all I could hear was the noise of the words. I dressed and went outside into the bitterly cold winds that had cleared the clouds from the sky.Would prefer to hear how the wind effects her and not just the clouds. Swept instead of cleared is stronger and more emotive imo. In the starlight I saw it as it approached me from the shadowy realm, snow and ice forming its scales as it entered the village.

Victrix.

This name didn’t slip gently into my mind, it slid like a knife and I recoiled, hands clasped to my head. The dragon was larger than Ploratus, and it had more sharp icy spines; it was like no other dragon I had ever seen. Where the other dragons looked welcoming and approachable, Victrix looked hostile and forbidding. Telling. Other than icy wings and sharp spines, im struggling with the image. If this is a first meeting and its a mutha fuggin dwagon, then i want cool images! There were spikes clustered around the end of his tail and his face was far more angular and threatening. You'll think this is what i wanted andit is, sort of, but i want more than a list of description, i want you to link those descriptions to the pov. Make me feel that as a reader im there, experiencing this. Victrix kept shifting as I watched, scales fell and reformed as he strode towards me; he was shifting himself in and out of the shadowed realm, a realm which has grown larger here since the villagers started to believe the dragon was real. As he breathed, snow swirled around him, though the sky was clear, and all the heat seemed to drain out of me. The fires in the houses started to die as he walked past, his tail flicking sharply from side to side like that of a stalking cat. He stopped right in front of me and lifted his neck up to full stretch before letting out a great thunderous roar of elation that shook the snow from the roofs.

All is just an opinion. Take mine with a large dollop of salt.

 

[Kylara]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. Seems my penchant for omni is stopping me from getting the most out of first person

I left the I out of HIC due to many years of Latin - and also for the Lennox map reference. Did you know it is the only map with here be dragons written on it? A lot of vowels get chopped out of latin when it is being written out to save space.

It is set (the secondary bit) in an area of tundra style land where snowstorms do mean that people and animals disappear due to the disorienting snowy blizzards. I wanted to suggest that more than usual were disappearing and not always in snowstorms. Most of the names in it are Latinate and are helpful with character (Victrix for example means conqueror).

This is not the first dragon met in the story, but it is a different type of dragon. There is a twist that starts in the second bit I put up that comes through in the final part of the story.

More to words than their poetry! Heresy! Haha I get this a lot, and I know I can tend towards purple :s I tried quite hard with this to tone it down, so I bet you lot would hate the first draft!

I might plonk the whole lot up in the writers group on here as I think the context might be helpful and it may be the twist that is making me grump about it. Glad to know that most of you like the idea and that nitpicks are mainly what is being pulled out. I really appreciate your time and pulling apart

 

[Parson]

Kylara, I think that this is a clever idea. The more the people believe in dragons the closer they come to being real in this world. I also loved the dragon's name and his appearance. This creates an eerie atmosphere for the story.

I was not wild about the title. I don't read Latin and that one flew right by me and I believe it is critical for your story. I think your prose style would be appropriate for a short story, but more than that it's a little "purple" (weird adjective for flowery) for the average reader.

I love your attraction to dragons.