Another Sample Chapter: 1500 words

[WriterJosh]

In my other thread I was asked to post another sample of my MS that featured adult characters. I chose the following section because I haven't edited this part at all; it's pure first-draft material. This means there will likely be quite a bit that needs improvement.

Background: Dr. Pipes is a "Magister", or scientist of a certain school, who up until this chapter has been portrayed as a man of science who is willing to do "what is necessary" to flush out an underground movement; torture of a young would-be killer who supposedly is part of this movement. In this scene, we see that Pipes has an agenda of his own.

I should also mention that in this world, the Pantheon of gods is also the Imperial court. Kaldorion is the most powerful of the gods (at least that's what everyone believes) and the emperor.
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Placed on the nine tables that lined the walls were devices of Klo’mas make, most of which he still had no idea how they were supposed to work. Only one space against the wall stood empty, but in truth, even it was occupied by a series of silver and gold filings that had been fused to the floor in a complicated circle. The design was not his own.[/FONT]

He sat at the farthest table and opened a massive tome full of diagrams and specs. The device before him remained something of a mystery, and he was determined to discover its use. Whatever it was, it was obviously meant to be carried by hand, as the wooden stock seemed to suggest. A bit of woven metal tubing ran from what appeared to be a pressurized valve, or one that would be pressurized if it was still whole, into a complicated apparatus that almost had to be a trajectory rectifier. Judging from this, he imagined that something was meant to be hurled from this device, but it was too small to be a crossbow. A complex chamber structure connected to an open, empty valve might have provided a clue as to what, if anything, was meant to be propelled by the device, but it was completely missing. Also missing was any sort of compression chamber that the pressurized valve was meant to connect to. All told, the device could be an agricultural implement, or one designed to pressurize water into a stream, or there was also a chance that it was meant to be a weapon.

The circle of silver and gold began to pulse and hum, which the doctor failed to notice as he was far too absorbed in his work. A form began to resolve itself, standing on the pulsing, now glowing design. After a moment, a man stepped forward. He was well-dressed to the point of being a dandy in a velour smoking jacket of deep burgundy slashed here and there with purple. His coat would have reminded Pipes of the wine produced by House Brent if he had bothered to look up. The new man’s hair was jet black, and hung straight and lank just past his ears. A thin moustache, up-turned at the corners, and a small “v” of hair under his lower lip decorated a pinched, rat-like face.

“Would you like me to tell you what it does?” said the man.

“No, thank you,” said Pipes. “Discovery. That’s the process I am engaged in. If I wished to have things done for me, I would be like one of the mindless sheep that you love so much.”

“Oh, I have little use for mindless sheep,” said the man. “Gerska might, Sha definitely does, and Toom and Gruul make them their stock in trade. I, on the other hand, have always admired men like you, Pipes. So determined to become greater than you are.”

“You admire me because you find me useful,” said Pipes. “And that makes you no different from any other god. Is there a meaning to this interruption, or do you simply enjoy my company that much?”

“I heard plans were enacted today,” said the god. “I’m simply here for a progress report.”

“The plans, yes,” said Pipes. He made a small notation in the giant book. “They went off without a hitch. I had to use Jessica for the main attempt. She’s a terrible shot, but it wasn’t important that we kill Windstalker, merely that we caused disruption in the name of the Hand of Dawn, and that was precisely what happened. She performed well under torture. Her conditioning made her unique in that she was not afraid of anything I did to her. I was fortunate that after a short time, even Lord Callister had to leave the room. I was able to supply the name of Edgar Echols myself, and Brent suspected nothing. As far as the Tribune is concerned, the Hand of Dawn’s ring-leader is behind bars.”

“Excellent,” said the god. “So…even after watching you torture a young girl, Lord Callister considers you a valuable resource?”

“Where is he going to find another Magister who is so patient with his dissatisfaction with the gods, or his futile attempts to change the system from within?”

“Yes, the poor fool.” The god went to another table with a giant brass tub sitting on it. The device was covered in dials, gauges and valves, each one seeming to have a different purpose that Pipes was slowly figuring out. The god played with one of the dials idly.

“Do you mind, Rauf?” Pipes said. “I made notes concerning the connection of the turning of the dials and the corresponding needle position. You're about to ruin days of research.”

“Such an ordered mind,” said Rauf. “So reasoning. So certain that you have the capability to unlock the secrets of the universe.”

“If the Klo’mas were able to,” said Pipes. “I believe I shall be able to as well. Of course, you have every reason to seek to prevent me.”

“I’m not Kaldorion, Pipes,” said Rauf. “Personally I find this irony delectable. You conditioned that poor girl by demanding total and complete allegiance to the will of the gods, to the point where she believed your voice was indeed the very voice of the gods. And yet, you hate us as much as you hate the ones seeking to oppose us. But your hate does not override your practicality, and hence, we have a perfect working relationship.”

“One that I grow more tired of every day,” said Pipes. “The world has enough strife and discord in it. All you gods do is sew more of it. Kaldorion, Gerska, Sha, Galt, they all do so because they cannot see past their own rapaciousness to realize what effect it has on those they seek to rule. In other words, they are idiots. You, however? You’re no idiot. You’re something worse. You sew discord and set men in conflict because you like it. It amuses you. And it sickens me.”

“And yet here we are,” said Rauf. “I sew chaos and use you as my agent, and you agree because it suits your own purposes. What is truly amusing is that you ultimately think you can win. You have to know that I care not a s--t for your end goals. Madness is my end goal. Once the discord has been sewn and chaos created, my job is done. And after that I simply cannot allow you to continue your futile search for a tool with which to destroy Il Scavo, and the gods. The idea that I would leave you to complete your plans in peace is an anathema to me. You seem unconcerned to be partnered with an agent of chaos.”

“Ultimately, what you are is of no interest to me,” said Pipes. “You can be destroyed, and ultimately you will. This is why yours is not the only cooperation I cultivate.”

“Have a care you do not go too far, Pipes,” said Rauf. “Recall that at any point I can whisper in Kaldorion’s ear, and he does not find chaos amusing at all.”

“I assume you’re dying of curiosity to see what other aces I keep up my sleeve once your part is finished,” said Pipes. “After all, what could be more chaotic than a twist that even you don’t suspect?”

Rauf opened his mouth to rebut the Magister, but closed it a moment later. “Damn you,” he said. “You’re right, of course. Still in all, it just simply means that one way or another, I win.”

“If you can call it a victory,” said Pipes. “But there may be a spanner in my works. Sources report to me that the Brent daughter was seen conversing with Styer Windstalker today. A quite long, private conversation. Was there a reason for it?”

“Oh, that,” said Rauf. Of course, he knew. “The Nephilim reported that conversation to me. It was…” He chuckled. “Most amusing!” His chuckle became a hearty laugh. “Oh, what could come of that! I do sincerely hope to see it soon!”

“Care to share it with me?” asked Pipes, knowing the answer.

“Oh, no, Pipes, not yet,” said Rauf. “I’m afraid it is simply too delicious to spoil. This I wish to see played out on its own. I admit, I am also curious to see the outcome of these new laws Kaldorion has decided to impose upon the citizenry. Ah, bless that fool’s short-sightedness! And the marauding elven hunting bands, oh, yes! They, too, play into my hands. I understand they even kill children. And Kaldorion has decided to deny they even exist!”

“Understanding the motivations of gods,” said Pipes. “Is often like trying to drink the number blue.”

“And you wonder why I like you, Pipes,” said the god. “You make me laugh. In everything you do.”

Rauf stepped back onto the pattern and faded from Pipes’s view.

“I hope you still find me amusing in the end, you old fraud,” said the Magister. “I plan to leave you alive, just so you can see how much chaos and discord I have wrought without you.”

 

[HareBrain]

I think you were concerned about the opinion that your other excerpt felt like YA, right? I'd say this could be either. The characters certainly read as mature people, which is good, but there are a few things which, if I had to bet, might still make me plump for YA.

One is that some of the language, again, is a bit modern: "specs", "progress report".

Another is that the POV is not entirely anchored within Pipes, but is sometimes external. For example, the narrative tells us what he doesn't notice. Also, it only names the god once Pipes has done so himself, even though Pipes knows his name from the start. Most adult SFF now is written in tight, close-third POV; it's usually only YA and younger that drifts from this.

Apart from that, I thought it read quite well, though the conversation went on a long time and I began to wish it were a little shorter. There were several long paragraphs in a row, which didn't make for very real-seeming dialogue. And you put "he said"/"Pipes said" etc after the first line of almost every paragraph; you need to vary the structure a bit.

Also, it's "sow" chaos, as in seed, not as in needlework (unless that was a deliberate choice on your part; I suppose it could make sense.)

Not bad, though, especially for a first draft.

 

[WriterJosh]

I think you were concerned about the opinion that your other excerpt felt like YA, right? I'd say this could be either. The characters certainly read as mature people, which is good, but there are a few things which, if I had to bet, might still make me plump for YA.

One is that some of the language, again, is a bit modern: "specs", "progress report".

Another is that the POV is not entirely anchored within Pipes, but is sometimes external. For example, the narrative tells us what he doesn't notice. Also, it only names the god once Pipes has done so himself, even though Pipes knows his name from the start. Most adult SFF now is written in tight, close-third POV; it's usually only YA and younger that drifts from this.

Apart from that, I thought it read quite well, though the conversation went on a long time and I began to wish it were a little shorter. There were several long paragraphs in a row, which didn't make for very real-seeming dialogue. And you put "he said"/"Pipes said" etc after the first line of almost every paragraph; you need to vary the structure a bit.

Also, it's "sow" chaos, as in seed, not as in needlework (unless that was a deliberate choice on your part; I suppose it could make sense.)

Not bad, though, especially for a first draft.

Thanks, Harebrain. I'm not really at the editing point for this sample, so this time I won't post an update, but thanks for your input. I'll keep this in mind when I get there.

Yeah, I was concerned at the comments that my initial sample felt like YA, so I'm glad you said this one only went there with the little bit of modernity and POV confusion. This isn't purely a period piece, but it is more than it isn't, if that makes sense. Such as another part where a man finds what is essentially a steampunk rifle the Klo'mas made, but refers to it as a "wand".

 

[The Judge]

First impressions, very wordy, rather dense and complicated, perhaps unnecessarily so. I rather had to make myself read to the end, and I was conscious I was skipping rather, but, of course, reading several pages out of context is very different to reading them where they should be in the middle of the book. Having said that, I do think it would benefit from pruning it a good bit. (Sorry -- I'm going to sound like a stuck record on that issue...)

I'm not at all scientific, so the very long paragraph about the device didn't hold my attention at all, I'm afraid, not helped by a repetitive feel -- eg Whatever it was, it was obviously meant to be carried by hand, as the wooden stock seemed to suggest. would read more quickly as something like Its wooden stock suggested it was to be carried by hand. which loses nothing but word count (and an element of rhythm, but that can be improved by the lines around it). Obviously if he is the type to repeat himself, you have to pay some lip service to it when in his POV, even in exposition, but too much and you risk boring the reader, I'm afraid. NB In that para the use of the word "specs" presumably short for "specifications" really jarred with the old fashioned feel, especially with "tome" in the same sentence.

As to POV, the next para breaches it if you're meant to be writing in Pipes's POV, since you're describing things which he isn't seeing and can't see. If you're planning to write in omniscient, all well and good.

I quite like a lot of dialogue in a scene, but I do think you need to interrupt it a lot more with stage business, as it's too much on its own like this, and you actually need to break up each piece of dialogue, and not repeatedly have long paragraphs of one voice. Even worse, to my mind you're using the dialogue to dump information far too heavily and clumsily. And frankly if this is meant to be a great revelation scene, where we realise that Pipes was actually behind the shooting, and is engaged in other nefarious activities (not that I actually understood what they were, to be honest) this is wholly lacking in any tension or drama.

One thing that began to irritate were the continual "said Pipes" and "said the god". There are only the two of them there, so once you've established which one is talking, you only need to remind us every 5 or 6 lines, or make it clear if the back and forth dialogue changes so one speaks twice in succession.

Overall, as a first draft it isn't bad, but for me it needs a good bit of work to make it read faster and more fluently.


EDIT: Arrgggghh... the blessed Hare has hopped in, pinched all my thoughts, and posted ahead of me! Damn his fluffy tail.

 

[WriterJosh]

I'm not at all scientific, so the very long paragraph about the device didn't hold my attention at all, I'm afraid, not helped by a repetitive feel

To be honest, I'm not either, but I like steampunk, and this device is a steampunk weapon.

-- eg Whatever it was, it was obviously meant to be carried by hand, as the wooden stock seemed to suggest. would read more quickly as something like Its wooden stock suggested it was to be carried by hand.

Yeah, your suggestion is better. And it doesn't really ruin anything because there's not a cadence to the description.

Obviously if he is the type to repeat himself, you have to pay some lip service to it when in his POV, even in exposition, but too much and you risk boring the reader, I'm afraid.

He's not repetitive, so I'm just gonna have to clean all that up.

NB In that para the use of the word "specs" presumably short for "specifications" really jarred with the old fashioned feel, especially with "tome" in the same sentence.

Some of this is intentional, in that it's a world where for the most part they are technologically on par with the 1700's, give or take, but thanks to a now-disappeared people who had incredible scientific insight to rival even that of the gods, quite a bit of their technology has been found and some, like Pipes, are starting to figure out how they work. The Klo'mas would have called it a "spec". Perhaps I should replace the word "tome".

I quite like a lot of dialogue in a scene, but I do think you need to interrupt it a lot more with stage business

I attempted a little of that. It's kinda hard to add when they're just two people in a small room, but it's something I will keep working on.

Even worse, to my mind you're using the dialogue to dump information far too heavily and clumsily. And frankly if this is meant to be a great revelation scene, where we realise that Pipes was actually behind the shooting, and is engaged in other nefarious activities (not that I actually understood what they were, to be honest) this is wholly lacking in any tension or drama.

Hmm. I know that as the guy who wrote it, my opinion is far from objective, but I did think I managed to add tension in the fact that Pipes and Rauf are in a very uneasy alliance and neither fully trusts the other. Perhaps Rauf is too smug?

And I'm keeping Pipes's true motivations unclear right now. Not necessarily because it's a huge surprise, it just doesn't seem like he would get into it with Rauf right then, as Rauf already knows. Basically he intends to wipe out both sides in the fight; the gods and those who oppose them, because he feels both sides are two extreme and driven by radical ideas. He believes that pure reason should rule, but he's hypocritical in that he sees his own views as the epitome of true reason, when in fact he is driven by his ambition to surpass the gods in knowledge and power.

Overall, as a first draft it isn't bad, but for me it needs a good bit of work to make it read faster and more fluently.

Thanks again for the feedback. In all honesty, I was a bit thrown when you said it wasn't bad. But yeah, it's a first draft. Lots to be worked on still.

 

[The Judge]

I attempted a little of that. It's kinda hard to add when they're just two people in a small room, but it's something I will keep working on.

I don't think having only two people creates problems, and in fact in my SFs I regularly have only two together talking, but I still make sure they're doing something. I don't know what else is in the room but eg Rauf could flop into a chair, go and look out a window, pick up a dead rat from the floor, toss the dead rat out the window; Pipes can have a sip of wine, drag on his cigarette, stuff his face with a cream cake, start eating another rat... OK, those may be (are!) daft ideas, and you don't want to overload the scene, but judiciously used they can add more description of the room and show character. As importantly they will leaven the dialogue when so much of it is very heavily backstory/information based.

Hmm. I know that as the guy who wrote it, my opinion is far from objective, but I did think I managed to add tension in the fact that Pipes and Rauf are in a very uneasy alliance and neither fully trusts the other.

Nope. It wasn't come through to me -- though obviously wait until others have had a look and see what they think. But, for instance, the big reveal is that the girl we've (presumably) seen tortured was effectively his tool. This information is just slumped onto the page and then immediately drowned in a long paragraph, when to my mind (if I'm understanding the situation aright) you should be making a big thing of it. Just off the top of my head, so it's not very good, here's how I would approach it:

“I’m simply here for a progress report.”

"What do you want to know? Jessica performed exactly as I expected."

[A break for change of speaker there allows the reader to think "Eh?" -- as long as we know Jessica's name, of course]

"Jessica? The sharp-shooter?"

"On the contrary, she is a terrible shot, and she missed Windstalker by a mile. That wasn't important. She caused precisely the amount of disruption I required, and all in the name of the Hand of Dawn."

By breaking things this way you allow each bit of information to sink in, instead of burying it under a flood.

As for the rest, allowing us to hear more of Pipes' thoughts might help, having more insincere smiles, having him try to guess or double guess at what Rauf is thinking. Clearly, that might not accord with Pipes' character as you see it, but something along those lines, and above all breaking up the dialogue would be of real help, I'm sure.

In all honesty, I was a bit thrown when you said it wasn't bad.

Well, I'm not one to throw praise around like confetti, admittedly, but that might simply be a fault in translation -- my "it isn't bad" is probably the same or only a little lower than HB's "Not bad" which in English understatement means good.

 

[WriterJosh]

Actually, Judge, I like the ideas you presented. I generally don't just carbon-copy suggestions, but breaking up the dialogue with little actions like that is something I know how to do, and perhaps just got too caught up in getting to the reveal that Pipes is a bad guy, in league with a rogue god, and entirely behind the faux Hand of Dawn attack. I should be able to add in some stage action without much difficulty.

I also prefer your take on the conversation about Jessica. And yes, we know her name already, and we already know it was Dr. Pipes who tortured her and later reported that Jessica had given Edgar's name as her leader.

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi WriterJosh,

I really liked this and would continue to read it.

I did think that there was a huge lot of dialogue once it started. I've recently read a few novels with lots of dialogue that seemed to border on comedic only because the pieces of conversation were short and could be read almost rapid-fire feeling like a ping pong match. Yours not only is much longer but contains exposition that fills the reader in to what is happening and I trust is moving the story along. It would be nice for window dressing and stage direction but if this is only going to be this long then it might survive the way it is because it worked for me.

It was a quite interesting conversation. There was that feeling of innuendo and irreverence that leaked across it all to give us incite into Dr. Pipes.

 

[WriterJosh]

Thanks, TinkerDan.

I think the trick to making this chapter pop is gonna be finding a fine line between dialogue and action.

 

[Septembre]

Hey there WriterJosh. This is my first critique so forgive me if it's not formatted and worded the way you are used to. I only have three points of contention. First, I like to know a steampunk story is steampunk from the characters and the scene. Since steampunk is inherently stylized anachronism, things that would accompany that should be wonder, frustration, comparison and maybe even madness. I didn't get a sense of any of that. Yes, you mentioned madness and chaos that this Rauf god dearly loves, but I got no sense of it. I didn't find Pipes to be confounded or desperate enough. Your description of the device would be more interesting with comparisons to contemporary machines (such as ...lighter/more complex/more compact/more vicious than any he had ever seen). Second, and maybe it's only me, but I find lower cased god somewhat unsettling. I can't make the association. He hardly seems any different than Pipes. There is nothing extreme to keep in my mind that this is how a god behaves except saying that he loves chaos. I know I'm missing huge amounts of context, but the distinction isn't working for me. I'm getting too much cognitve dissonance. I want a pronounced distinction when I see the word god. Lastly, it's been repeated, but I will say it as well, there is not enough things for me to picture happening while they talk. Action. With that said, I do love the way Pipes' dialogue flows. "...trying to drink the number blue" is an INSPIRED piece of dialogue. I love it. For that line alone do I find myself wanting to know what Pipes will say next. I like the sense of antagonism between them. This is something that I can expect to carry on throughout the story and give me some good quips. I think the strong points are the wit, the imaginitive social structure and the nuances of their feud. I'd say, explore the anachronisms and give me more action.

 

[Bowler1]

Placed on the nine tables that lined the walls were devices of Klo’mas make, most of which he still had no idea how they were supposed to work. Only one space against the wall stood empty, but in truth, even it was occupied by a series of silver and gold filings that had been fused to the floor in a complicated circle. The design was not his own.
I’m confused, lined against a wall in a complicated circle?

He sat at the farthest table and opened a massive tome full of diagrams and specs. The device before him remained something of a mystery, and he was determined to discover its use. Whatever it was, it was obviously meant to be carried by hand, as the wooden stock seemed to suggest. A bit of woven metal tubing ran from what appeared to be a pressurized valve, or one that would be pressurized if it was still whole, into a complicated apparatus that almost had to be a trajectory rectifier. Judging from this, he imagined that something was meant to be hurled from this device, but it was too small to be a crossbow. A complex chamber structure connected to an open, empty valve might have provided a clue as to what, if anything, was meant to be propelled by the device, but it was completely missing. Also missing was any sort of compression chamber that the pressurized valve was meant to connect to. All told, the device could be an agricultural implement, or one designed to pressurize water into a stream, or there was also a chance that it was meant to be a weapon.
I do hope it’s a RAY GUN! If it’s not, I don’t have a clue what it is.
RAY GUNS aside, this is far too much confusing description and could have been handled with one or two quick lines, or so I think.

The circle of silver and gold began to pulse and hum, which the doctor Why haven’t you named the character after three sections? Capital D, optional I believe but I like capitals for specific person titles. failed to notice as he was far too absorbed in his work. A form began to resolve itself, standing on the pulsing, now glowing design. After a moment, a man stepped forward. He was well-dressed to the point of being a dandy in a velour smoking jacket of deep burgundy slashed here and there with purple. His coat would have reminded Pipes of the wine produced by House Brent if he had bothered to look up. The new man’s hair was jet black, and hung straight and lank just past his ears. A thin moustache, up-turned at the corners, and a small “v” of hair under his lower lip decorated a pinched, rat-like face. – Less is more sometimes, allows the reader to engage.

“Would you like me to tell you what it does?” said the man.

“No, thank you,” said Pipes. “Discovery. That’s the process I am engaged in. If I wished to have things done for me, I would be like one of the mindless sheep that you love so much.”

“Oh, I have little use for mindless sheep,” said the man. “Gerska might, Sha definitely does, and Toom and Gruul make them their stock in trade. I, on the other hand, have always admired men like you, Pipes. So determined to become greater than you are.” Name not needed here, to avoid over repeating/use of name.

I did read to the end but I found the conversation a little confusing and rambling, if I’m brutally honest. There seemed to be a big reveal but the Doctor was very casual about it so I’m not sure of the importance of this detail. To the end it was all dialogue with little else to break up the conversation, which I felt was asking a lot from your reader. For me, you need to be a lot more concise and aim for greater clarity, but as my style is much tighter it’s fair to say we’re very much on different ends of the writing spectrum. In the end, too wordy for me, sorry buddy.

 

[Ivanya]

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Placed on the nine tables that lined the walls were devices of Klo’mas make, most of which he still had no idea how they were supposed to work.

[Perhaps switch to "no idea how to operate."?]

[/FONT]

The circle of silver and gold began to pulse and hum, which the doctor failed to notice as he was far too absorbed in his work.

[If he's working in this room alone in complete silence, it's hard to imagine he'd miss something suddenly starting to make noise - it'd startle the Hell out of me, but maybe that's just a personal thing! Maybe he could notice but not be bothered by it?]

Not having read the rest of the story, it's hard to say whether this scene would cause the right amount of tension. If it's a big reveal, the build up to it might work to supply that, but reading it stand-alone, it does seem to be lacking just because the two characters don't appear to spark off any particularly strong emotions in one another. That, and as other people have noted, a lot of talking. Making it snappier might help, or somehow making the God seem more intimidating.