Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Wayne Mack]

@Mon0Zer0, I picked up on the detail that the woman was dead, but not the others you described. I interrupted the story as the woman had just passed away and this was the protagonist's last time with her before her spirit went to heaven. The protagonist's heartbreak and longing came through, so I felt this did a good job of conveying the emotion and the details I missed did not affect that.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Mon0Zer0 my general impression is that I really liked the story. I thought it was well written and made enough sense to me.

Specifically, I did get it was an older person (“mine like ancient yew”) and a younger person (“hers spring soft”). I did not get that the young lady was in hell or that the old man was dying. I saw it as like a father—perhaps grandfather—and (grand) daughter separated by some type of metaphysical barrier, which is I suppose quite close to your intention.

 

[Parson]

Here is the story I submitted for October's 75 worder. Other than general impressions, am interested to know whether people picked up that the lady character is in hell having died young, and the man character older and at death's door. I kinda felt it needed another couple of lines - but maybe not?

When The Veil is Thinnest​

We embrace upon the battlements and gaze out over moon-touched moors. Hand holds hand; mine like ancient yew, hers spring soft but cold as autumn’s gloaming.

“This is the last time,” I say, but my words cannot penetrate the veil.

At midnight, we dance the flickering shadows of spider-kissed hallways until sunrise steals her back. When she fades, my heart breaks.

No more dances, for heaven is a prison with stronger walls than hell.

This one I see befuddled me. I did get that the woman was dead by the end, but I misunderstood "mine lie ancient yew." I thought that meant his? hands were rough from hard work and until the end I thought that her hands were unused to manual labor. I totally missed that "she was in hell." I thought you had an interesting idea that "heaven is a prison with stronger walls than hell" and understood that she'd not be able to return because she was in heaven.

Until your explanation I had no idea how badly I'd misread your story. As I understood it, I felt it was good, just not one of my favorites.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi, Mon0Zer0. I really liked your story, as I thought it was very well written, even though I didn't really understand it.

Having read your explanation, I think it was quite difficult to get across that meaning in 75 words. Sometimes with these Challenges it pays to be more obvious with your allusions, or to be less ambitious in the story being told.

This is perhaps one of those occasions where the title can help to steer the reader's thinking in the required direction. Sometimes I think that the choice of title can tell (almost) a whole back story. Perhaps 'At Death's Doorstep'?

It may also have been worth considering have the narrator addressing the female character? For example:

Hand holds hand; mine like ancient yew, yours spring soft but cold as autumn’s gloaming.

sunrise steals you back. As you fade, my heart breaks.

Also, as 'heaven' and 'hell' in your story are actual places (rather than for example states of mind), I would have capitalised them.

And just a little thing, but I would have written 'walls stronger' rather than 'stronger walls'.

 

[redzwritez]

I wanted to post my story from the November 75 worder. Historical Speculative is not a genre I'd normally write in and I took a break from posting in some of the challenges. So, I thought it would be good to see what people thought of the story in general.

How Much Damage?
It was alright when the villagers blamed the scorch marks in their fields on the fae. Then, it was the devil. Then, it was the “witch.”

Agnes. Katrina couldn’t leave her to hang. So, she said she was the witch. So, she’d teleported away as the noose hung lose around her neck. So, hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time.

How much damage could that really do to the space/time continuum?

 

[Pyan]

What annoys me is the number of improvements you can always see that could be made in the story - but only after you've posted it, and the edit time has run out...

 

[JS Wiig]

@redzwritez I thought the idea of the story was good, a time traveler teleporting from the noose. Not going to give the simple villagers any ideas there, no.

I thought the repetition of “then” and “so” was a bit distracting, and a better connection could have been established with the characters. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Hugh]

I liked it.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

So, she’d teleported away as the noose hung lose around her neck. So, hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time.

I remember reading this and being ever-so-slightly confused. Was she inside a time machine when they tried to hang her? If not - if the machine was a ring or bracelet or something small like that - then the villagers would have simply seen her disappear. Maybe that's what is meant. But the slightest confusion can often mean death to an otherwise-sound 75-worder.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I wanted to post my story from the November 75 worder. Historical Speculative is not a genre I'd normally write in and I took a break from posting in some of the challenges. So, I thought it would be good to see what people thought of the story in general.

How Much Damage?
It was alright when the villagers blamed the scorch marks in their fields on the fae. Then, it was the devil. Then, it was the “witch.”

Agnes. Katrina couldn’t leave her to hang. So, she said she was the witch. So, she’d teleported away as the noose hung lose around her neck. So, hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time.

How much damage could that really do to the space/time continuum?

I always like time travel paradox stories as they pose interesting logic puzzles. I liked the repetition in the opening paragraph--it obeyed the rule of three--but sometimes trade-offs need to be made to fit within the constraint of seventy-five words.

What left me wanting, though, was I did not get the feeling that anything had changed because the villagers had seen the time machine (or at least its effects). For readers like me, excess subtly is wasted and I need to be explicitly told what the consequences of the event were to be.

A couple of more minor issues. The scorch marks at the start were never explained. Wouldn't there have been some eruption of fire during the escape? Bringing in a second character was perhaps an unnecessary complication and could have been omitted to preserve word count for other aspects. Lastly, I felt teleportation indicated a different mode of transportation than time travel and I didn't understand how the time machine would have been visible.

The seventy-five word challenges are always difficult and they require the author to pare a story down to the bare minimum. I feel like there was an interesting concept behind the story that I, unfortunately, didn't grasp. For me, the answer to the final question was that the time traveler did not cause any disruption in history.

 

[mosaix]

I wanted to post my story from the November 75 worder. Historical Speculative is not a genre I'd normally write in and I took a break from posting in some of the challenges. So, I thought it would be good to see what people thought of the story in general.

How Much Damage?
It was alright when the villagers blamed the scorch marks in their fields on the fae. Then, it was the devil. Then, it was the “witch.”

Agnes. Katrina couldn’t leave her to hang. So, she said she was the witch. So, she’d teleported away as the noose hung lose around her neck. So, hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time.

How much damage could that really do to the space/time continuum?

Rightly or wrongly, I interpreted the 'historical speculative' genre as speculation regarding a known historical event and I can't relate this story to anything I know about.

Over and above that I agree with @JS Wiig regarding the repetition of "then" and "so". Was it intentional?

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Redzwritez, I think I can see what your intentions were with this story, but I feel that the limited word count meant that you couldn't get it across as well as if you'd had a few more words to play with.

A couple of suggestions as to how to save words, and give yourself extra for later:

the scorch marks in their fields

could be 'their failed crops', which was a more likely occurrence than scorch marks, and also saves you 3 valuable words.

saw her time machine jump forwards in time.

This was one thing that didn't make sense. How would she have a time machine on the scaffold, and how would the peasants know this and that she was jumping in time? Perhaps 'saw her vanish into thin air' might work better (and save you a couple of words).

A couple of other things that may have helped the story to make sense would be rather than 'so' have 'so what if...' ie


So what if she'd said she was the witch? So what if she’d teleported away as the noose hung loose around her neck? So what if hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time?



Hope some of this helps, and apologies if I misunderstood your intention with the story.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Rightly or wrongly, I interpreted the 'historical speculative' genre as speculation regarding a known historical event and I can't relate this story to anything I know about.

Connecting far more dots than I care to as a reader, I assumed that the setting was the witch trials in Salem, Massachusetts, US or similar in England. The time travel escape could have been the initiating event for both.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Seeing as there are no historical reports of a time-travelling witch, I'd definitely say that it was alternate!

 

[THX1138]

This was the one I posted at first but replaced with '1776' at the last moment.
It didn't quite fit the theme or Speculative/Altered History in my view but here it is anyway. Have at it and thanks all.


A Daytrip to the Library

I left the library with our clockwork carriage in view, cloaked by fog, book in hand.

“Halt!”

Rough hands grabbed me stoutly, taking my prize!

“Enjoy reading?”

A fist to my gut! “Just thoughtful learning.”

“Conspirators then?”

A cane appeared, subduing my captors!

“Run lad, to the carriage!”

“Grandfather?”

Above flew dirigibles, in the 1720’s?

“You cost us all with your meddling.” We boarded the time carriage, “Back to the 1690’s!”

“The book?”

Grandfather smiled.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Rightly or wrongly, I interpreted the 'historical speculative' genre as speculation regarding a known historical event and I can't relate this story to anything I know about.

Over and above that I agree with @JS Wiig regarding the repetition of "then" and "so". Was it intentional?

Rightly, I'd say. Because I was thinking along the same lines.

So, she said she was the witch. So, she’d teleported away as the noose hung lose around her neck. So, hordes of peasants saw her time machine jump forwards in time. How much damage could that really do to the space/time continuum?

The speculative question at the end of the story was not enough to make it a historical speculative one. It might have been one if it was about all 'witches' who started to disappear as soon as the felt the noose around their necks.

Making Katrina the time-traveler in stead of Agnes herself made the story needlessly complicated - as in more words needed.
What put me off were the 3 sentences in a row that started with 'So,'
All the peasants would have seen was how the witch disappeared, not by what means or whereto. It probably would have convinced the peasants she had somehow escaped by witchcraft.

 

[redzwritez]

Rightly or wrongly, I interpreted the 'historical speculative' genre as speculation regarding a known historical event and I can't relate this story to anything I know about.

Over and above that I agree with @JS Wiig regarding the repetition of "then" and "so". Was it intentional?

It was intentional though I'm not how it came off to be honest. It was meant to follow the rule of three but looking at it again I can see it's distracting. Something for me to remember I think.

 

[sule]

Below is the story I submitted for the December 75 Word Challenge. I'm mostly looking for perspectives on what it was lacking, and any suggestions on how it could have been improved. Thank you.

Commanding the Air

Sky-bound fortresses, barbed and bristling with barrels pointed outward, aiming at everything - and nothing. They glide through the grey above; no challenge, no countersign.

Two castles collide passively with a thunderclap. Metal and rock shear from their shells, raining softly on a land of steel bones and long shadows.

A flock of birds shimmer from airborne nests of wire and cloth, feathers afire in the dying light; the enduring masters of this striated sky.

 

[THX1138]

@sule I enjoyed the visual of your story. I would have indicated that the fortresses where long abandoned, but the flight/battle system are still active causing the fortresses to collide with each other. And the emotion of the debris hitting the ground sounded like the battles from long ago. Or something like that.

It also has a kind of haiku style to it, not in pattern or rhythm but in a poetic style:
Fortresses fly, they collide and fall, birds fly as the new masters.

 

[mosaix]

@sule. For me, your entry had the characteristics of a ‘scene’ rather than a ‘story’.