Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

I felt the same as most of the others who have commented. First, It was a good story. As you say any story that garners 3 votes and 7 short listings is a very successful contest entry. Second, I got the time loop idea on first reading, and I prefer that to you remake. Third, It felt a little too expected an ending for me.

On reflection, I now wonder if that's a fair criticism/criteria. Just because a story form has been done before, does that make the story less? If I think about music there are a lot of songs that have been done by many different artists and sometimes the rework is better than the original. On another thread we were talking about the song "Me and Bobbie McGee." It was written by Kris Kristofferson, but first recorded by Roger Miller. But clearly his version is not the one everyone thinks about when they think of the song. For most of us it is Janis Joplin who sang the definitive version. Although, for myself I actually prefer Kris Kristofferson's recording which was made later.

(As an aside: I used that song in a sermon some years back and I discovered that Janis Joplin had changed the lyrics in the refrain. I liked Kris Kristofferson's lyric better.)

 

[mosaix]

Thanks, everyone. Looks like my worries were groundless and that the storyline stood as I intended. Three votes and seven shortlists are not to be sniffed at.

I'm a sucker for time-machine / time-travel stories so expect more in the future.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I felt the same as most of the others who have commented. First, It was a good story. As you say any story that garners 3 votes and 7 short listings is a very successful contest entry. Second, I got the time loop idea on first reading, and I prefer that to you remake. Third, It felt a little too expected an ending for me.

On reflection, I now wonder if that's a fair criticism/criteria. Just because a story form has been done before, does that make the story less? If I think about music there are a lot of songs that have been done by many different artists and sometimes the rework is better than the original. On another thread we were talking about the song "Me and Bobbie McGee." It was written by Kris Kristofferson, but first recorded by Roger Miller. But clearly his version is not the one everyone thinks about when they think of the song. For most of us it is Janis Joplin who sang the definitive version. Although, for myself I actually prefer Kris Kristofferson's recording which was made later.

(As an aside: I used that song in a sermon some years back and I discovered that Janis Joplin had changed the lyrics in the refrain. I liked Kris Kristofferson's lyric better.)

Agreed. Some of the best covers of songs are not the originals. Same goes for movies (The Thing being a good example); and of course there is no such thing as a truly original story (although The Judge's in the last 300 Word Challenge was close to it).

I think that often (but not always) successful stories in the Challenges are ones that challenge our expectations; others are familiar stories well told. Mosaix tale is one of the latter.

 

[Cloudy_Day]

This was my first challenge and tightest word restriction so I'm hoping to get some feedback on my story. Everything is helpful. I haven't been writing for very long and could use whatever wisdom you fine people have to offer.

We waited our turn to be told our fate and prayed we would be delivered from our dying star.
I watched as the star emperor's judges took my kids and wife as servants; a dismal fate.
The chosen left, dumping waste into orbit, blocking out the sun.
I spend my last few days praying for them, before the star burns me with the trash.
No one mourns the waste. Will they mourn me, I wonder.

 

[Shyrka]

This was my first challenge and tightest word restriction so I'm hoping to get some feedback on my story. Everything is helpful. I haven't been writing for very long and could use whatever wisdom you fine people have to offer.

We waited our turn to be told our fate and prayed we would be delivered from our dying star.
I watched as the star emperor's judges took my kids and wife as servants; a dismal fate.
The chosen left, dumping waste into orbit, blocking out the sun.
I spend my last few days praying for them, before the star burns me with the trash.
No one mourns the waste. Will they mourn me, I wonder.

Firstly, considering this is your first attempt it is impressive. Everything works - at no point was I left confused or wondering what the intention was. That in itself is a very commendable achievement.

As far as the story itself, it's okay, but didn't captivate, amuse or surprise me as much as the entries I shortlisted for. The waste aspect is there but feels tangential to the rest of the story, not linked with the main character's fate. With a bit of reworking to knit things together, it might have had more impact. Maybe you could have held back the fate of the MC until the end and have them dumped 'with the rest of the watse' somehow? It wouldn't have had the same sense of melancholy (which I enjoyed, btw) but it would have had more of a twist.

 

[Elckerlyc]

It was well written but it lacked that little extra that makes it jump out, a bit flat. Also, I didn't get why or what waste was dumped into orbit. It felt a bit construed, to get the theme 'waste' in. But I definitely liked that last line. Often the fate of a story depends on that last line, be it funny or a surprising reveal.
A good attempt, certainly as your premier. Next month better.

 

[therapist]

I feel the same way as Elckerlyc. It was well written and a great final line. But I didn't understand why they dumped waste into orbit. If i'm confused about a plot point in a 75 word story, then that story has very little chance of making it into my short list.
Also I didn't like having both prayed and praying in the story.

The 100 word anonymous challenge ends submissions in 6 days, have a crack over there.

 

[Hugh]

I thought you did well with this, but there was strong competition.

Maybe you tried to include too much in the story. I liked lines one and two. I think lines three and four confused me - as others have said, the shift to waste was a bit of a jump.

 

[Wayne Mack]

We waited our turn to be told our fate and prayed we would be delivered from our dying star.
I watched as the star emperor's judges took my kids and wife as servants; a dismal fate.
The chosen left, dumping waste into orbit, blocking out the sun.
I spend my last few days praying for them, before the star burns me with the trash.
No one mourns the waste. Will they mourn me, I wonder.

I liked the overall dystopian feel of survival being a numbers game. Only the select few would live and, even then, as slaves. As others have noted, the third line threw me off. I leapt at two possible reasons for it, neither of which seemed to be borne out by the conclusion. Was dumped waste the cause for the dying sun? No, it appears to be going nova. Were the unchosen people the discarded trash? No, they were left on planet not ejected into space. The final sentence makes a wonderful conclusion. but I felt that the middle section could have better correlated the casual disposal of waste with discarding people who are no longer deemed worthwhile.

 

[Elckerlyc]

What about mine? It did get a few mentions, but I had hoped to get a few votes with this one (Hopes I have every month, but OK )
Was the pun at the end too subtle, not understood? Was the story too weird or just a boring waste of 75 precious words?

The Rise and Fall of Wasteman
On 21 August 2024 the earth near Amsterdam shook. An earthquake seemed impossible, yet it kept rumbling and shaking. At 4.16pm the mount covering closed landfill Bergen split open.
However unlikely, after decades of smouldering the combined waste of Amsterdam had achieved sentience and grown itself a body.
The new life-form - 400 feet tall, foul tempered, floundering – moved towards the city. The military swiftly eliminated the danger.
But the waste of it…

 

[paranoid marvin]

Cloudy_day, I thought your story was pretty neat with a poignant, memorable last line. Sometimes rounding off a story in a satisfactory way can be the most difficult thing, and you achieved that.

A couple of minor points first. I would have considered capitalising 'Star Emperor' and even considered a different title to 'Star' to avoid repetition of a Star Emperor and a dying star. I would also consider changing 'I spend' to 'I now spend' in order to show that we have moved from the past and into the present, and to demonstrate that you aren't mistakenly mixing your tenses.

As others have said, the 'waste' bit is the most confusing part, and I guess that the main reason for including it was to tie in with February's theme. Having to incorporate 'waste' into your story in this way I think is what the main issue. I agree with Wayne Mack that correlating the jettisoned waste of the chosen (again I would capitalise) and people left behind would have been an alternative, but difficult to pull off in 75 words, especially as you still have to give some reason for the dumping of waste in orbit; why didn't they just leave it on the planet?

An alternative would have been to remove all reference to the dumping of waste, and perhaps refer to those left behind as 'The Waste'. So for example:

The Chosen left, leaving the rest of us - the ones they referred to as 'The Waste' - to the tender mercies of our dying sun.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Elckerlyc, I thought that this was a very imaginative story. I must admit that the sentence:

At 4.16pm the mount covering closed landfill Bergen split open.

confused me, and tbh still does to some extent. I think your story may have been improved with a different final line, as you had already referenced 'waste' and didn't need to do so again.

I think that your story may have worked better as a news story or as a history lesson being taught in a classroom?

 

[Cloudy_Day]

Thank you for the feedback! I agree, lines 3 and 4 are a bit clumsy and could be worded better/more coherently. The waste could have been added less ham-fistedly for sure. Your examples of how I could improve are great. I'll revise it up and see what happens.

 

[Yozh]

What about mine? It did get a few mentions, but I had hoped to get a few votes with this one (Hopes I have every month, but OK )
Was the pun at the end too subtle, not understood? Was the story too weird or just a boring waste of 75 precious words?

The Rise and Fall of Wasteman
On 21 August 2024 the earth near Amsterdam shook. An earthquake seemed impossible, yet it kept rumbling and shaking. At 4.16pm the mount covering closed landfill Bergen split open.
However unlikely, after decades of smouldering the combined waste of Amsterdam had achieved sentience and grown itself a body.
The new life-form - 400 feet tall, foul tempered, floundering – moved towards the city. The military swiftly eliminated the danger.
But the waste of it…

I did like this story, it was one of my early favorites, but then I just liked other stories better later on. I felt like there were a lot of high-quality entries, I didn't make a long list, because it would have been more than half the field.

I think "mound" rather than "mount" is the better term for earth covering a landfill. That might have made a slight difference to some readers.

 

[therapist]

@Elckerlyc I really liked your story. It was a great image, like a Godzilla made of trash. And the name 'Wasteman' worked well for me too. But like paranoid marvin said, I couldn't make sense of the line 'At 4.16pm the mount covering closed landfill Bergen split open.' And also, the intent of your final line was unclear to me. Personally, i'd rather your story didn't try and end in a pun, but keep it's serious/cheesy tone (kind of like a godzilla story).

My instinct (for whatever that's worth) would be to end on some note that implies Wasteman had been defeated, yet other trash heaps around the globe had begun to stir.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Thank you guys. It is clear I made more mistakes as I thought I had, plus that the end of my story was unclear.
I already was aware that while editing I had accidentally removed three words after the line "At 4.16pm the mount covering closed landfill Bergen split open," namely "A monster appeared." I was hoping people would connect the open ground and the monster suddenly there.
I hadn't noticed the mount vs mound mistake. I probably wrong-footed myself by naming the landfill Bergen (Dutch for mountains). The actual name of the landfill near Amsterdam is called 'Vogelmeerpolder,' but I didn't want to burden the story with that alien name.
The open-ended final line can be taken in 2 ways, or so I imagined.
But the waste of it… of destroying a new unique life-form, or
But the waste of it - the 400-feet tall monster consisting of rotten garbage on its way to the city - must have come down somewhere after its destruction, right? Possibly on your driveway. Use your imagination.
That obviously was too subtle.

 

[JS Wiig]

Appreciate any feedback on this story which I didn’t actually post in the challenge, in favor of one that actually didn’t fare so well. Thanks!


Salvageable

No such thing as waste, just a matter of who’s going to use it.

Mortimer sifted through the wreckage of the shuttle, recalling the words of his father. Hidden treasures lie amongst twisted metal and wires. Poor bastards thinking they would be the ones getting off this forsaken rock.

Don’t give up what is, for what might be.

As long as these fools kept trying to leave, he would have everything he ever needed.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

@JS Wiig , I would have just changed the order of events in that central paragraph so that the words of his father appear straight after the prompt that he is recalling them:

Mortimer sifted through the wreckage of the shuttle, hidden treasures lying amongst twisted metal and wires. Poor bastards thinking they would be the ones getting off this forsaken rock. He recalled the words of his father;

Don’t give up what is, for what might be.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@JS Wiig, this does a good job of describing a space-based salvage operation similar to naval recovery of lost ships at sea. One of the challenges of the 75 worders is the need to focus on one point and, unfortunately, I find two: the salvage operation and the rationale of escape. The latter item is raised as some group are for some reason on a "forsaken rock" and people for some reason are repeatedly trying to escape for some other reason and failing for a third. This open ended issue left me feeling unsatisfied at the conclusion. In a word count constrained piece, one needs to focus on one or the other concept.

Technical note: It is unclear who is responsible for untagged paragraphs one and three. The opening one feels like exposition by the author rather than part of the story.

There is a good concept here and it would probably be worth exploring in detail in a longer format. Two ideas, though, feel like too much to address in a 75 word contest.

 

[Parson]

@JS Wiig -- I had a hard time following the story. I didn't grab the context of the story until the very end. But it was still unclear if the people on the moon were marooned or were there and trying to escape an apocalypse in the semi-near future. It put me in mind of Jules Verne's story "The Mysterious Island" where the leader when he meets the other survivors asks "Island or Peninsula" and it seems to some to be an irrelevant question but it in fact was the question which needed to be answered to determine what their strategy should be; make survival as comfortable as could be attained or gather a few resources and head inland. I felt like your story missed the key to understanding what the key issue was.