Skin of Emerald

[n2so4]

Just another random piece; opinions and crits welcomed!

This piece I've written from the point of view of an anti-hero Orc warlord; opinions of this point-of-view as well please!

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Skin of Emerald

If the valley had a name, One-tusk didn’t know it, and he definitely didn’t care in any case. Walled in on the east and west by towering shear-sided mountains, the valley was a long, narrow strip of land covered in arid grass plains and buffeted by arctic winds that raced through the narrow pass. To the north the valley opened out onto the great frozen steppes, and to the south it narrowed and rose into a series of treacherous paths that lead over glaciers and mountains until they descended again, leading out into the warm southern foothills.

As the young Orc watched the sun slowly rose over the eastern mountain wall and flooded the valley with brilliant yellow-gold sunlight, driving the night-time shadows back into the hollows and clefts and slowly warming the valley floor from the freezing night-time temperatures.
Winding down the middle of the valley was a narrow river, frozen solid in places, and the sunlight glittered off ice and water alike, turning the entire length into a sparkling gold ribbon.
All of this was lost on One-tusk, who was busy squinting through his spy-glass at the human troops slowly making their way along the valley in a long snaking column.

The Orc warrior stood on a rocky outcrop that jutted out from the western mountain wall, almost a hundred feet from the valley floor, his powerfully-muscled legs planted a shoulder-width apart to brace him against the icy dawn breeze that snatched at his long top-knot and set the tails of his armoured long-coat flapping. Despite the breeze One-tusk was quite warm, under the sleeveless coat he wore a vest of flak armour, thick leather trousers and a heavy pair of steel-plated boots that covered his legs from the knee down. Added to this was the fact his thick emerald skin was so tough that it would take near-freezing temperatures to put a dint in his morning.
Lowering the telescope, One-tusk looked back behind him into a wide cleft in the mountain side. Within, wrapped in their blankets and snoring loudly, lay the slumbering forms of his warriors.
The rising sun had now reached the western mountain wall and, as One-tusk jumped down from his vantage point and strode into the cleft, the sunlight spilled in after him, painting the towering cliffs a wintry gold and gleaming on the clouds of white vapour that misted above each slumbering Orc. One-tusk decided his boys had had more than enough sleep, and began kicking them awake.

“Rise and shine you lazy dogs!” He growled, dealing each Orc a swift kick before moving onto the next, “The humans are on the move! Today we spill blood!”
Reaching a smaller bundle at the edge of the camp, One-tusk stopped and stuck his hand inside the blankets, seizing a handful of the sleeping occupant’s hair and pulling them out into the crisp morning air.
“Wake up Hound! We’re on the move; make my breakfast.” The human female he had hauled from within the bundle squealed and clutched at his hand until he released her hair. Hound quickly leapt to her feat, scrubbing the heel of one hand across her eyes to wipe away the tears that sprang up, and staggered over to the pile of gear at the edge of the camp.
“Y-yes master.” She stuttered, whether in fear or from the cold One-tusk couldn’t tell. Like all humans, she seemed thin and fragile compared to an Orc, and she was clad only in a rough leather vest and trousers that had been crudely stitched to fit her, with thick furs bound around her feet.
One-tusk often wondered why he had kept her. Pity was not a common trait for an Orc, but whenever he looked at her he felt… something. Something that kept him from putting her to the sword, and made him keep her safe from other Orcs. He prodded at the feeling as if probing at a loose tooth.

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More to follow

 

[Sapheron]

The title bothers me. Emerald skin? That suggests a bright glistening colour to me. Kind of like... well... emeralds (not that all emeralds are green or, for that matter, shiny, but that's the geology geek coming out again. down boy! down!). Anywho, it doesn't seem to be the right sort of colour for an orc's skin. I imagine something duller. Probably darker as well. Emerald just doesn't sit right for it.

The bit about the human at the end had me thinking 'dear god no' at the idea this massive and presumably brutal orc could be in love with a human. I'm not sure whether this is a complaint or a reason I'd read on just to satisfy my (morbid and fearful) curiosity.

Besides that I quite like it. Anti-heroes are always more fun than regular ones. Orcs are usually fun as well. Thumbs up from me.

Oh, and look at your punctuation around the speech.

"Yes." He said.

should be turned to:

"Yes," he said.

It's just a little mistake you appear to be making.

 

[clippedwolf]

As the young Orc watched the sun slowly rose

As the young orc watched (comma) the sun. If you don't capitalize 'human', why would you capitalize 'orc'? I won't say more about that.

yellow-gold

Redundant. Gold is enough.

night-time

Nighttime is one word. Also unnecessary both times it is used, you already painted a sunrise; we know what time it was. When I reread the sentence without this word, it seemed a lot smoother.

warming

Warmed. Keep those damned verbs in check (evil, evil monsters that they are!) and keep your tense consistent.

Winding down the middle of the valley was a narrow river, frozen solid in places, and the sunlight glittered off ice and water alike, turning the entire length into a sparkling gold ribbon.

Is this passive voice? Just going to cut and paste a bit and come up with this:
A narrow river, frozen solid in places, wound down the middle of the valley; sunlight glittered (what about reflected?) off ice and water alike, turning the entire length into a sparkling gold ribbon.

long snaking

These should be separated by a comma, but just take out 'long'. These words could mean the same thing, making it redundant.

floor, his

floor. His...

powerfully-muscled legs planted a shoulder-width apart

You don't need to use the hyphens here. You plant your feet, not your legs. You can also plant your knees.

tails of his armoured long-coat flapping.

If it's armoured then how is it flapping the wind?

Despite the breeze One-tusk was quite warm, under

Despite the breeze, One-tusk was quite warm. Under...

under the sleeveless coat he wore a vest of flak armour

Armour goes over a shirt (unless you don't mind chafing), and a tabard or tunic could go over the armour.

a heavy pair of steel-plated boots that covered his legs from the knee down.

If one is going to be rock climbing, careful consideration should be used when selecting footwear. Steel-plated boots would not be my first choice. Then again, I'm not an orc.

Added to this was the fact his thick emerald skin was so tough that it would take near-freezing temperatures to put a dint in his morning.

I thought that it was already below freezing temperatures this morning. Are you implying a dint has already been put into his morning?

Reaching a...

Upon reaching a...

...pulling them out...

...pulled her out...

We’re on the move; make my breakfast.

Put a period between 'move' and 'make'.

Like all humans, she seemed thin and fragile compared to an Orc, and she was clad only in a rough leather vest and trousers that had been crudely stitched to fit her, with thick furs bound around her feet.

I advise cleaning this up.

Alright, I'm curious what comes next. Sad that pulling hair and not killing someone is never a way to their heart.

 

[Pyan]

night-time

Nighttime is one word.

Er, no, it's not. Night-time, with a hyphen, is the preferred spelling, according to Merriam-Webster.

 

[n2so4]

The bit about the human at the end had me thinking 'dear god no' at the idea this massive and presumably brutal orc could be in love with a human. I'm not sure whether this is a complaint or a reason I'd read on just to satisfy my (morbid and fearful) curiosity.

Yeah, I added the last bit on a second thought, but it didn't sit well with me at the time and still doesn't now.

I might change it. A romance thing wasn't what I was intending at all.

 

[clippedwolf]

Er, no, it's not. Night-time, with a hyphen, is the preferred spelling, according to Merriam-Webster.

Er, I guess we're both right according to Merriam-webster.
However, and more importantly, the author here is correct.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nighttime

 

[Sapheron]

Despite usually writing 'night time' due to an irrational personal dislike of hyphens, I would say that night-time is correct. Nighttime may also be correct, but it just looks wrong. Regardless of the attempted dictatorship by the people who write dictionaries, I therefore wouldn't use it.

 

[ctg]

If the valley had a name, One-tusk didn’t know it, and he definitely didn’t care in any case. Walled in on the east and west by towering shear-sided mountains, the valley was a long, narrow strip of land covered in arid grass plains and buffeted by arctic winds that raced through the narrow pass. To the north the valley opened out onto the great frozen steppes, and to the south it narrowed and rose into a series of treacherous paths that lead over glaciers and mountains until they descended again, leading out into the warm southern foothills.

I take you haven't been to northern countries ever when they get a snow cover. Thing is that the moment you introduce green there, you take readers mind away from the frozen wastes. Just talk about cold nights, frozen landscape and 'smoke' that drifts over the plains. Grass is totally out from the question, when the arctic-winds blows through it (unless it's summer time).

As the young Orc watched the sun slowly rose over the eastern mountain wall and flooded the valley with brilliant yellow-gold sunlight, driving the night-time shadows back into the hollows and clefts and slowly warming the valley floor from the freezing night-time temperatures.

I have been number of times watching sun rising in the frozen lands, and it comes low, not high. The effect is more dazzling than what you conjure here. So the imaginary is plain wrong. In places the shadows would still be long, and others the whiteness would be shimmering. And the sun, it wouldn't be warming anything, just providing light and comfort from the darkness.

Winding down the middle of the valley was a narrow river, frozen solid in places, and the sunlight glittered off ice and water alike, turning the entire length into a sparkling gold ribbon.

All of this was lost on One-tusk, who was busy squinting through his spy-glass at the human troops slowly making their way along the valley in a long snaking column.

I like the snaking column image, but you could also add there that their tracks were disappearing in the drifts. In that way you add there a little bit of detail that makes the reader to believe that their trek has been hard, yet they are determined to reach the orc community.

set the tails of his armoured long-coat flapping.

Maybe you could add there a little bit of detail if the coat is studded leather or a chain-mail or even chain-mail attached to a polar-bear skin.

Despite the breeze One-tusk was quite warm, under the sleeveless coat he wore a vest of flak armour, thick leather trousers and a heavy pair of steel-plated boots that covered his legs from the knee down. Added to this was the fact his thick emerald skin was so tough that it would take near-freezing temperatures to put a dint in his morning.

Harness has nothing to do with when it comes to coldness. Exposed skin would freeze, so I bet that One-tusk would have made sure to only expose limited amount of his skin. Also note that sometimes freezing temperatures make skins or leathers brittle.

Lowering the telescope, One-tusk looked back behind him into a wide cleft in the mountain side. Within, wrapped in their blankets and snoring loudly, lay the slumbering forms of his warriors.

The rising sun had now reached the western mountain wall and, as One-tusk jumped down from his vantage point and strode into the cleft, the sunlight spilled in after him, painting the towering cliffs a wintry gold and gleaming on the clouds of white vapour that misted above each slumbering Orc. One-tusk decided his boys had had more than enough sleep, and began kicking them awake.

Just stick with his thoughts and forget about the world-building. You have done enough of it. If it's not needed in the description of his characters then you should remove it.

“Rise and shine you lazy dogs!” He growled, dealing each Orc a swift kick before moving onto the next, “The humans are on the move! Today we spill blood!”

Why so many exclamation marks? Could you rewrite this para please, try to be your harshest.

Reaching a smaller bundle at the edge of the camp, One-tusk stopped and stuck his hand inside the blankets, seizing a handful of the sleeping occupant’s hair and pulling them out into the crisp morning air.

To be on your harshest you would add the details of her kicking screaming just before he would toss the slave on a pile of snow.


So when you rewrite this, use the spyglass as your tool to describe the world. Then move to wake up your fellows and add roughness in the 'where's-my-breakfast' scene. All the time, try to stick within your character, not use the narrator. If you cannot, then don't worry. Just move it as close to character action as you can. In that way you hide the narrator at the background.