2000th post

Status
Not open for further replies.

Droflet

I don't teach chickens how to dance.
Joined
Apr 15, 2010
Messages
3,860
Location
Australia
Yeah, and they said I'd never make it this far. Still, got a way to catch up to Jo, though.
Okay here's a short exert from Book 2 of the Hope Island Chronicles: First Comes Duty.
Context: As a rookie (grommitt) pilot Nathan has been posted to a small aircraft carrier. It holds only five fighters, hence the small. He's turned up with another grommitt who's a bit of a bother and they have both been evaluated. Now for the pilot's debrief:


“So what do you think, Bird?” Chappell asked.

Jay took a sip from his coffee mug then leaned back in his chair. Six hours of intense evaluation had left the pilots fatigued. With the boat underway and blue watch half completed the three of them had the wardroom to themselves.

“If Whitney’s ego was any bigger it would have its own orbital path.” The officers chuckled yet full well knew how quickly a bad attitude could get a pilot killed. “I don’t like to say it, Boss, but he’s not bad. He has a lot to learn but his basic skills are sound.”

Chappell nodded slowly. “Dash?”

“Telford is exceptional,” she said. “I’m not just talking about him winning the Ellison Trophy. He has a natural instinct for flying I wish I had during my first deployment. Telford could actually be the real deal. You know, what they used to call a natural stick and rudder pilot.”

“That good?” Chappell found it hard to keep the surprise from her voice. Dash had never given a pilot such a wrap.

“He needs seasoning, to be sure, but I think we’ve got a live one here.”

“Hmm,” Chappell said non-committally.

“Better be good to him, Boss.” Dash smiled mischievously. “You’ll probably be working for him one day.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“How did he trap aboard?” Dash asked.

“Right on the center line and picked up the third wire,” Chappell said. She should be pleased that one of her new pilots showed competence.

“And wonder boy Whitney?” Bird asked.

“Slightly off center and picked up the number two wire.”

“Hmm, room for improvement then,” Bird said.

The pilots chatted for a few minutes about the coming mission. The hatch slipped open and Telford stepped over the coaming. He stopped halfway inside the room.

“Is this a bad time, Boss?”

Yes quick, very quick.

Dash sported a lazy smile. “We stopped talking about you ages ago.”

“Great,” Telford said, making his way to the coffee urn.

The boat’s cook made an appearance. “Hey, Mister Telford, can I get you anything?”

“No thanks, cookie. I’ll wait till main meal for you to poison me.”

“Only the best of my poison for officers.” He winked then turned away.

The three pilots continued their conversation but their attention wandered irresistibly to the simple act of coffee preparation by Nathan’s choice of condiments. Pilots took their coffee black, almost by virtue of an unwritten dictum. Telford placed four satchels of sugar and a large glob of cream into his mug. He turned from the bench, catching three curious expressions focused on his activity.

His forehead creased for a moment then he glanced at his mug and back at the pilots.

“My foster-father owns a coffee plantation on Kastoria.” He shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

A muttering of understanding ended their fascination with the subject. Anyone raised on a world that produced the finest coffee in the League of Allied Worlds would find the standard issue Corp coffee in need of attention. Nathan joined them and sipped his coffee, wincing minutely.

“How was your first day?” Chappell’s curiosity got the better of her.

He smiled. “Lieutenant Valetta showed me –”

“Hey,” she pointed at her chest, “Dash.”

“My first day. Hmm.” A tight smile stretched his lips. “Fighter training is one thing but service aboard an operational MEB is something else. In a few hours, Dash showed me some moves you can only learn from experience.” He sat back and sighed. “It’s a whole new adventure.”

“Not your first adventure,” Jay offered.

Nathan’s forehead creased.

“I think Bird is talking about your time on Truculent,” Dash said.

His jaw tightened. “That was anything but an adventure.”

“According to the news nets,” Chappell said, “you acquitted yourself well.”

A sardonic grunt. “If you believe the nets, I single handedly stormed onto the Picaroon, massacred a couple of hundred of those dastardly headhunters, rescued every one of the captives then moseyed home, while patting myself on the shoulder.”

Everyone chuckled. Chappell needed more.

“The nets tout you as the hero of the Genevieve Incident. You did a lot of interviews, at the time.”

His eyebrows locked together. “I hated every one of them. But commodore, pardon me, Admiral Waugh, told me if I tried to avoid them it would create a feeding frenzy. I didn’t want those leeches getting anywhere near my family, so I took her advice. There were more than thirty of us on Picaroon, not just me. That’s what I told them but they reported a completely different story. Lying bastards.”

Chappell smiled inwardly.

“Not a fan of the media, then? Bird asked.

“I get more honesty and common sense from a Gary Larson cartoon.”

“Who?”

“Gary Larson.” Blank stares. “A twentieth century, old Earth cartoonist. Come on, you guys haven’t read Larson?’

Shaking heads.

“I’ll pop some into the boat’s data base. They’re insightful and hilarious.”

“I’ll check it out. Oh, by the way, how are you settling in with your roomy?” Dash teased.

“It’s not so bad.” He smiled ruefully. “I can only hope he doesn’t talk in his sleep.”
 
I don't mean to sound mean, but this all reads to me as chatter. Your prose writing itself seems polished, and your use of terms seems well-handled. But I don't see anything of POV use, character, or plot development in this.

The result is a sense of lack of focus, and not much either happening, being achieved, or developing. With a close 3rd POV I would expect the POV character to want something, and show it - at least refer to emotional drives - but I get no real sense of emotion in here, merely passing time in the mess.
 
You're not mean at all Brian. It's one part of a 106k novel, and without context. I see what you're saying but a lot of the areas have been covered in previous chapters. It's dialogue heavy as part of the overall picture. The Boss described Nathan as 'a petty boy with a fondness for the news nets." Here she finally understand why she's mistaken. That's basically what the chapter is about. Thanks for taking a look.
 
This section is primarily dialogue, which seems fine, even chuckled' and 'sheepishly' go past without much disturbance. 'Eyebrows locked' and 'winced minutely' are good... 'forehead creased' ..'jaw tightened' 'smiled inwardly' .. hey, I'm stealing these. )
 
Grats on 2K

Thoroughly enjoyed the Larson reference! I also happen to agree with your pilot, more sense in his doodles than main stream news.

I assume the jargon was all in order, it went over my head, but assume as well that you'll have ether covered it before for those of us who don't know, or are aiming strictly at an audience who would.

I wouldn't argue with a touch more emotional insight, but didn't find the excerpt lacking as it stands.
 
When I read this through I get the sense that the main focus might be the way Telford comports himself and how that influences the image and perhaps the thoughts of those present. The first half leads us into this, but the real focus and intent seems to be when they see the real thing and hear what he has to say. With that in mind I feel that though the writing seems balanced in that we have equal time before his entrance and after, it comes up off-balanced and there might be a benefit in shortening the time it takes to get to the point.

How and what you could reduce in the first half is entirely up to you because It's all done well; it just seems that there should be more attention on the point you mean to make.

You do make your point, though.
 
Nothing glaring that I'd suggest changing, certainly nothing in the grammar / spelling departments, and I do like my red pen. As you say though, it is without context and I assume not too near the beginning, so I also assume a lot of info that isn't clear in the above would already be settled in the reader's mind.

One line that did seem a bit out of place was the
Yes quick, very quick.
but only because as far as I could see that formatting only happened once in the whole passage. I assume it's an internal thought? If so, are there others nearby in the rest of the text? If it's only one example in a lot of text, and it has to be in there, I'd look at building it in differently. But internal thought is something I've struggled with a bit, so someone else may have better advice.

Other than that, this story sounds right up my street, and I'd like to read more.

ABS
 
Thank you. ABS, you want to read more? Book one is available, you know. :whistle:

Thanks Juliana. Book 2 will be out soon. Well, as soon as I finish the next edit. Sigh.
 
Sorry Drof, I'm a bit late to this. Congrats on the 2000 :)

First off, of course, it's very well written, very clean and clear, and everything seems to be in the right place. I can't fault the writing at all.

However, I have to say, I'm in agreement with Brian. The dialogue seems to be a load of Top Bantz rather than anything particularly relevant, or something that drives things forward.

My other big gripe - I'm very sorry to say - is with Nathan Telford himself. I always thought him to be a bit of a Mary Stu, and I can't see anything here that changes my opinion of him. Apart from the, ahem, "problems" of his childhood, it just seems as though he coasts through life – and through the military – without too much difficulty, and this scene seems to offer more of the same. He's a rookie yet is also an exceptional pilot, and then with his mates they recount the time when he was an exceptional soldier. You know what? I want to see Nathan Telford suffer some more - and see what he's really made of!

On a more specific note, and I'm aware this is out of context, but the name Whitney is mentioned at the start but nowhere else - is that an oversight or just the text being taken out of context?
 
That's context, DG. Whitney is a bit of a nuisance. And don't worry, book two throws Nathan into some deep, deep :poop:. Coming, relatively soon.
 
Yeah I get the Mary Stu comment now and again. But I'm old school. It's another current trend I don't prescribe to. He's the hero, after all. But I see your point.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads


Back
Top