2000th Post Critique - 570 words

[ratsy]

Since I have to post something here is an excerpt from something I just finished last week. I still have some work to do on it but the first draft of the short story is done. This scene is near the beginning.




They approached the blip on their comm-screen and the computer was picking up an electrical disturbance. John stood and looked out the view-port. Lighting crackled in the distance and a small white ship floated softy away from the tear.

“Robin, is that what I think it is? A worm-hole out here?” he asked.

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve only ever read about them in books. Counselor Hardy said he heard rumors of one being spotted towards Base Camp forty-seven, but it was never confirmed.”

The ship they were approaching looked like an ancient design made to only hold four or five crew members. Robin brought them in close and she docked the shuttle to the other ship’s hatch. A hall-like extension connected the two ships and John hit the depressurize switch.

“We’d better suit up just in case…and bring your weapon. We don’t know what could be on this vessel.” John ordered.

Suits on and shooters in hand, the two made their way through the tight hall connecting the vessels. The hull of the white ship seemed to be fully intact. It hadn’t taken on any damage on the outside that John could see. He pulled on the hatch release and it opened easier than he expected. Maybe this thing hasn’t been floating out here as long as I thought.

“Let me go first, sir. We don’t risk our Captain, you know that.” Robin stepped in front of him.

He let his Security Captain lead the way. He’d tried to argue with her too many times with no success. The best course was to just follow her lead. They stepped into the ship; its floor was a steel grid. Their boots clanged against it, echoes dying in the small space. They turned their helmet lights on in the dark room. Robin led him first to the rear of the ship. She went to the back cargo area and motioned to him that it was clear. As they approached the front of the ship, a red light flashed in the otherwise black room.

John took a step back as Robin almost tripped on something. They looked down and saw that it was an arm in the doorway. They stepped over it, shooters raised. There were four bodies. A man held a woman’s head in his lap. The others were sprawled about the floor. All power except the flashing light was out. He pulled out a meter and it told him there was no oxygen left on board. The bodies were stiff but the fact that they hadn’t started decomposing told him they hadn’t been dead for too long - a few days at most.

“Captain, my sensors are picking up something strange. Plutonium.”

“Where?” John asked

“In the cargo area. Didn’t you say the Chief Counselor was paying big credits for it?”

“Yeah but I have no idea why.” They walked to the cargo room and searched around.

“Over here,” Robin said “In this crate.”

The crate was made of heavy steel and had a punch code on it for access.
There were markings all over the box and they seemed familiar to John but he couldn't place where he’d seen them.

“Let’s tow this thing back to the fright-liner. Something tells me there if profit here.” He smiled at Robin.

They locked the ships together and soon they were heading back to catch up with their ore shipment.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I stumbled loads over the opening paragraph:

They approached the blip on their comm-screen and the computer was picking up an electrical disturbance.

I know these two things are connected, but the way you've written it feels somehow very disconnected.

John stood and looked out the view-port.

If this chapter is John's POV, we don't need to be told that he looked, only what he sees.

Lighting crackled in the distance

Did you mean lightning?

and a small white ship floated softy away from the tear.

Did you mean softly instead of softy? Either way, unnecessary as "floated" gives us the image. Can you float hard?

Also, I cannot tell whether "tear" means a "tear in space" or that the shape was like a tear. Better word choice?


As to what happens after - it all reads as so dispassionate and cold. Apparently, this is a new phenomenon - an important one - that none of them have ever seen before. So where is the excitement?

Also, someone mentions that an expedition "risks the captain" but there's no sense of danger or tension suggested.

IMO you could really make this scene stronger by focusing on the emotional impact of the main character, as at the moment it's just a series of cold actions and detached responses, and that isn't convincing.

However, I think you'll find only tweaks are required for that - just do look out to keep your point of view consistent.

Also, as above, be careful with your word choices - be careful that nothing can read ambiguously.

2c.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Hi Ratsy, I'm not the best person to critique anyone else's work because I'm still at the bottom of the literary learning curve, but for what it's worth, I enjoyed reading this.

The first paragraph seemed a little stuffy and I wondered if you could make it a bit more atmospheric, adding more tension. And I agree that 'tear' is confusing. I knew what you meant, but it made me stop to think about it.

I think the 'hall-like extension' could benefit from some padding. Maybe something about it creeping slowly out into the empty space between the two ships, bridging the gap?

When they're on their way through the hall john seems to be able to see the walls of the other vessel, so it might have helped to describe the connecting tube as transparent and barely wide enough to walk through. I felt I needed to feel the enormous vacuum of space around me and be awed by it, even if it's routine for John and Robin. That might have made their nonchalance seem brave instead of boring.

They seem to skip quickly from the rear of the ship to the front. Could you add a bit about their journey through the ship, maybe have them jumping at shadows to add tension?

otherwise black room

What about the red light blinking from the yawning darkness of the room? Still think it lacks suspense here.

Can Robin 'almost trip'? Surely she'd trip or not trip. Maybe she trips and almost falls, grabbing at John to keep her balance?

This whole paragraph seems very clinical. The man holding the woman's head in his lap and the device reading the oxygen levels give so much scope for drama and tension. We could feel real sorrow for the human image of love at the point of death (without getting soppy!).

If Plutonium is strange, why is it a sought after commodity? Perhaps interesting, rather than strange?

Lastly, was it a fright-liner or a freighter?

As I said, I am in no position to be critical of anyone, but I hope something in here might be useful.

 

[ratsy]

Great points. I have changed a couple of Brian's suggestions. To be honest I rushed to post something so I wouldn't go past 2000 without posting something. I will try to add more feeling as well as tweak the technical stuff.

And thanks Kerry, all good comments

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Congrats, congrats, congrats.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Congratulations on 2000! Wow, you don't talk as much as I do.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks again for the feedback. Does this read better?



As they approached the blip on their comm-screen, the computer picked up an electrical disturbance. Lightning crackled in the distance and a small white ship floated away from the tear in space.

“Robin, is that what I think it is? A worm-hole out here?” he asked.

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve only ever read about them in books. Counselor Hardy said he heard rumors of one being spotted towards Base Camp forty-seven, but it was never confirmed.”

He had the ship snap a few still-cam shots of the rare occurrence and set the co-ordinates on his wrist device. Worm holes were rare, and from the reports he’d seen, no one had ever returned from one once through. So where do you come from?

The ship they were approaching looked like an ancient design made to only hold four or five crew members. Robin brought them in close and she docked the shuttle to the other ship’s hatch. A hall-like galley extended slowly connecting the two ships. When he heard the latch close, John hit the depressurize switch.

“We’d better suit up just in case…and bring your weapon. We don’t know what could be on this vessel.” John ordered.

Suits on and shooters in hand, the two made their way through the tight hall connecting the vessels. The hull of the white ship seemed to be fully intact. It hadn’t taken on any damage on the outside that John could see. He pulled on the hatch release and it opened easier than he expected. Maybe this thing hasn’t been floating out here as long as I thought.

“Let me go first, sir. We don’t risk our Captain, you know that.” Robin stepped in front of him.

He let his Security Captain lead the way. He’d tried to argue with her too many times with no success. The best course was to just follow her lead. They stepped into the ship; its floor was a steel grid. Their boots clanged against it, echoes dying in the small space. They turned their helmet lights on in the dark room. Robin led him first to the rear of the ship. She went to the back cargo area and motioned to him that it was clear. The hall leading to the front of the ship was tight; even single file John felt slightly cramped. As they approached a red light flashed in the otherwise black space.

John took a step back as Robin stumbled on something. They looked down and saw that it was an arm in the doorway. His heart pounded as they stepped over it, shooters raised. There were four bodies. A man held a woman’s head in his lap. The others were sprawled about the floor. All power except the flashing light was out. He pulled out a meter and it told him there was no oxygen left on board. The bodies were stiff but the fact that they hadn’t started decomposing told him they hadn’t been dead for too long - a few days at most. The whole scene was horrible and John’s heart ached for the dead strangers. He knelt down and took a deep breath.

“Captain, my sensors are picking up something interesting - Plutonium.”

“Where?” John asked

“In the cargo area. Didn’t you say the Chief Counselor was paying big credits for it?”

“Yeah but I have no idea why.” They walked to the cargo room and searched around.

“Over here,” Robin said “In this crate.”

The crate was made of heavy steel and had a punch code on it for access. There were markings all over the box and they seemed familiar to John but he couldn’t place where he’d seen them.

“Let’s tow this thing back to the freight-liner. Something tells me there’s profit here.” He smiled at Robin. Not that these people’s deaths should be traded so easily.

They locked the ships together and soon they were heading back to catch up with their ore shipment.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Oh yeah, I like that! It felt much more three dimensional this time around and I felt as though John and a Robin were becoming real people.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Much, much better IMO.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks Kerry, and thanks Brian. Your suggestions were 100% on point.

 

[barrett1987]

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve only ever read about them in books. Counselor Hardy said he'd heard rumors of one being spotted towards Base Camp forty-seven, but it was never confirmed.”


The ship they were approaching looked like an ancient design made to only hold four or five crew members. Robin brought them in close and she docked the shuttle to the other ship’s hatch. A hall-like galley extended slowly connecting the two ships. When he heard the latch close, John hit the depressurize switch.

“We’d better suit up just in case…and bring your weapon. We don’t know what could be on this vesselboard.” John ordered.

“Let me go first, sir. We don’t risk our Captain, you know that.” Robin stepped in front of him. Security capt doesnt ask permission to protect captain. Make this line more forceful

They stepped into the ship; its floor was a steel grid. and Their boots clanged against it, echoes dying in the small space. They turned their helmet lights on in the dark room.

Robin led him first to the rear of the ship. She went to the back cargo area and motioned to him that it was clear. <--confusing movement.

The hall leading to the front of the ship was tight; even single file John felt slightly cramped. As they approached a red light flashed in the otherwise black space.

John took a step back as Robin stumbled on something. They He looked down and saw that it was at an arm inchange in to, protudign or crammed in, or something more emotive than in, the doorway. His heart pounded as they stepped over it, shooters raised. There were four bodies. A man held a woman’s head in his lap. The others were sprawled about the floor. All power except the flashing light was out. He pulled out a meter and it told him there was no oxygen left on board. The bodies were stiff but the fact that they hadn’t started decomposing told him meant they hadn’t been dead for too long - a few days at mostmaybe. The whole scene was horrible and John’s heart ached for the dead strangers. He knelt down and took a deep breath.

 

[J Riff]

Not badsky Ratsky

As they approached the blip on their comm-screen,(Hmmm...)

As they closed in on the anomaly, (or something... approaching a blip on a screen reads a bit arf somehow)
the computer picked up an electrical disturbance. Lightning crackled in the distance and a small white ship floated near (away from) the tear in space.

“Robin, is that what I think it is? A worm-hole - out here?” (he asked.)

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve only ever read about them (in books.) Counselor Hardy said he heard rumors of one being spotted towards Base Camp forty-seven, but it was never confirmed.”

He had the ship snap a few still-cam shots of the rare occurrence) < (this would be recorded, indubitably) and set the co-ordinates on his wrist device. Worm holes were rare, and from the reports he’d seen, no one had ever returned once they had passed through one. So where does it come from?

 

[hopewrites]

I'd love some character developing details. The atmosphere plays well enough, but I think would really pop with some details that bring me closer in.

I would love to know what they are shooting. Even if it's their name for it, it would bring me into the world; whereas "shooters" pushes me out.

I'm not sure if I have visualized the dead as you intended ether. I picture severed arm laying across the doorway and a severed head cradled in the lap of a might-not-be-dead guy leaning on some sort of console. Where on second read I think you just mean that there are 4 dead bodies, one with an arm across the threshold and two semi-embracing.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks Barret and j riff for the sufgestions .

Hope , I see what you're saying with the bodies but the intro to the story let's the reader know they are just four bodies dead when the ship ran out of oxygen. And the man holding his wife was the last to die.

 

[Bowler1]

They approached the blip on their comm-screen and the computer was picking up an electrical disturbance. – this line needs greater clarity. John stood and looked out the view-port. Lighting crackled in the distance and a small white ship floated softy away from the tear. I’d have kept the dialogue with the description and John’s thoughts. “Robin, is that what I think it is? A worm-hole out here?” he asked.

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve only ever read about them in books. Counselor Hardy said he heard rumors of one being spotted towards Base Camp forty-seven, but it was never confirmed.” – a little unnatural.

The ship they were approaching looked like an ancient design I would have liked a little more of the ship here. How big, what it looked like etc. made to only hold four or five crew members. Robin brought them in close and she docked the shuttle to the other ship’s hatch. A hall-like extension connected the two ships and John hit the depressurize switch.

“We’d better suit up just in case…why just in case and bring your weapon. We don’t know what could be on this vessel.” John ordered. – I would have assumed they’d all suit up regardless.

Suits on and shooters in hand, the two made their way through the tight hall connecting the vessels. The hull of the white this colour should have been given above ship seemed to be fully intact. It hadn’t taken on any damage on the outside that John could see. John is docked to one side of the ship so how can he see the other side? He pulled on the hatch release and it opened easier than he expected. Maybe this thing hasn’t been floating out here as long as I thought.

“Let me go first, sir. We don’t risk our Captain, you know that.” Robin stepped in front of him.

He let his Security Captain lead the way. He’d tried to argue with her too many times with no success. The best course was to just follow her lead. – To here, didn’t add much value and was to some extent repeating the dialogue. They stepped into the ship; its floor was a steel grid. Their boots clanged against it, echoes dying in the small space. They turned their helmet lights on in the dark room. Robin led him first to the rear of the ship. She went to the back cargo area and motioned to him that it was clear. As they approached the front of the ship, a red light flashed in the otherwise black room. Your missing out on a great opportunity to increase tension by skipping over the exploration of a dark mysterious ship.

John took a step back as Robin almost tripped on something. They looked down and saw that it was an arm in the doorway. They stepped over it, shooters raised. There were four bodies. A man held a woman’s head in his lap. The others were sprawled about the floor. All power except the flashing light was out. He pulled out a meter and it told him there was no oxygen left on board. The bodies were stiff but the fact that they hadn’t started decomposing told him they hadn’t been dead for too long - a few days at most.

“Captain, my sensors are picking up something strange. Plutonium.”

“Where?” John asked

“In the cargo area. Didn’t you say the Chief Counselor was paying big credits for it?”

“Yeah, but I have no idea why.” They walked to the cargo room and searched around. – No description of cargo room.

“Over here,” Robin said “In this crate.”

The crate was made of heavy steel and had a punch code on it for access.
There were markings all over the box and they seemed familiar to John but he couldn't place where he’d seen them.

“Let’s tow this thing back to the fright-liner. Something tells me there if profit here.” He smiled at Robin.

They locked the ships together and soon they were heading back to catch up with their ore shipment.
Setting and description is very light and I really couldn’t visualise what was happening. There’s not much tension in the section and there could be very easily if you took more time with it.

I’ve just spotted the second version. Much better, but still lacking scary and gripping tension, and setting is still light. I really think I be pooping my pants if I saw dead bodies in an abandoned spaceship and I’d hope my spacesuit is built to take the additional pressure, if you know what I mean. Don’t be afraid to put more of yourself on the page and take more risk. How would you react, how would you feel and put that in. Give me more Rasty in your writing. All that aside, it was good. Well done on 2k posting too and hope to see more of your writing on here.

 

[Droflet]

To late to add anything further, except of course Congrats on the 2,000.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is an interesting piece

I have trouble visualizing where they are. Is this in space?

If they are in space you would see the lightning flash-I've not seen lightning in space so I'm not sure how that looks. You would not hear it crackle. If you do hear crackling then it's probably time to back off since that's your on-board systems making all that noise.

Similarly if you see a blip and are approaching it you are maybe walking across the bridge to the panel that's blipping?

Then you have a tear in space and a ship.

We're they approaching the tear in space and that was the blip; or was the ship the blip?

And right now you're probably telling me to get a grip.

Not sure where the lightning is coming from but it might be the wormhole.

Anyway: unless you are familiar with wormholes[and it doesn't sound like they are] and the effect surrounding them and your ship is heavily shielded against lightning strikes I would steer clear of the vicinity and assume that the ship[if it is near the wormhole] might be suffering from not staying far away.

But you have some images that don't quite make sense unless they are some sort of metaphor loosely based around notions of things.

Before making too many assumptions about conditions you need more information for assessing decomposition it space.

UCSB Science Line sqtest

So the scene itself doesn't do much beyond finding bodies and plutonium.

We know nothing about this ship. We know nothing about the dead [people].

We don't even know why the live people are out there. They seem rather mercenary with little regard for the loss of life and much regard for possible use for the plutonium.

Are they Ferengi?

 

[ratsy]

Hey Tinker, thanks for the thoughts. I see what you're saying. This is a middle excerpt from a short and the things you are asking about have been explained already. The blip is intended to be the ship, just outside the vicinity of the worm hole. The idea being , a ship from earth has ran out of oxygen, the crew has died and were sucked into a worm hole, throwing them across the universe.

In my second version here I tried to add a little thought for the dead..did it still feel that cold?

 

[jastius]

As their trajectory intersected with the blip flashing on the nav-comm screen, the computer started flashing warnings about electrical interference. The ship rocked to the side as its damper fields repelled a crack of lightening across the bow. Robins hair lifted and crackled as the comp screens fizzed before the environmental scrubbers grabbed the static from control's air. "Lightening? In space?"

(sorry .. started having too much fun with it.) love the story ratsy!

basically just two things.. wouldn't it be a navigation screen?
and because the area is alive with static and power arcs
wouldn't the suits order be along the line of "i think we'd better wear the nonconductive suits into that jolly bag."
and hurray on your two thousandth, ratsy!

 

[ratsy]

Thanks Jas, that was some good descriptive writing (something I need to work on) I've never been good at that.