Gossip (Revision, 1321 words)

[msstice]

This is a rework of An eavesdropper listens (484 words) Thank you again to everyone who commented on that

Background: Avni and companions have landed from off-world and have ended up in a village. Before arriving at the village they have been attacked by a lion. They have been tended to the day before by a doctor and his assistant, Rita. Indu is Avni's sister.

As she stealthily wended around the slender trunks, Avni wondered why she was trailing Rita under the canopy of the giant tree. It would be a huge embarrassment to the delegation if she was discovered sneaking around like this. Besides, what could she possibly gain?

A barking laugh scampered out of the forest of trunks. Avni stepped around till she could see a group of people lounging next to the fifteen-meter wide mother trunk at the heart of the tree. The laugh smothered itself as Rita emerged next to them.

Two men got off one of the crude benches and made space for Rita. She waved and said something as she sat down. A politer ripple of laughter went round the group.

Avni snuck closer and closer until their words became distinct. This was near enough. They were focused on their circle, and it was dark under this part of the canopy, but if they happened to look her way for a moment ... She needed a good excuse if she was discovered. She had seen Rita before. Perhaps she had a question for Rita.

An athletic young man cracked his knuckles carelessly. "The younger one is a high-born. You can see it in her eyes."

A burly man, who had made space for Rita earlier, smiled sardonically. "Spent a lot of time looking into her eyes, have we?"

A wrinkled man with green eyes and white hair down to his shoulders laughed the loudest at this. He shook his head, displaying gaps in his teeth. "None of us have seen their authentication, so no one really knows."

He tapped his stick meditatively on the muddy soil. "But, clearly, the older one is high-born."

There was that word again. "High born." Surely, these people didn't have royalty? That was so backward. But again, perhaps governing an entire planet with 10 billion people needed unorthodox social structures.

The burly man turned to the white haired one. "And have you, too, been gazing into their eyes? Or have you reserved a special place in your heart for just the older one?"

"Younger" and "older". That too was a pattern she was all too familiar with back home. She felt a stab of sympathy for this unknown older woman. Was the younger one her sister as well? Was she as annoying as Indu was?

As snickering spread through the group, the white haired man scowled. He placed both hands on his cane and gripped it tightly.

"You have no respect, Ron. It is of course her noble features, that mark out the older one as highborn."

Burly Ron cast a sly smile round the group, like a conductor directing a chorus of laughter. His smile disappeared quickly as Rita cleared her throat. Silence fell quickly.

Rita's head scanned the group. "I would like to remind you all that we no longer use the words 'high-born'."

She patted the old man's hand. "That was a term used when Ben here was young. Many orbits have passed since such a time."

Someone giggled then quickly stifled it. A heavy silence fell over the group.

"Ah, what am I saying," Rita said, exploding with laughter. "Those idiots in the big city have nothing better to do than change the words every year."

Smiles began to appear again.

"One year they tell us to use 'high-born' and next year they tell us not to. Well, they can go drink from our latrine."

Hysterical laughter broke out.

Ben smiled and nodded at Rita. "You're one of the good ones, Rita. Always have been."

She patted Ben on the back. "And, I agree with you, Ben. The older one is bound to be a high-born."

Ben flashed a victorious gap-toothed smile. His white hair swooshed over his shoulders as he looked smugly from Ron to the athletic young man.

Ron leaned forward. The corners of his mouth dropped as the smile melted into a mocking frown.

"I'm afraid I have bad news for you, Ben."

The group's laughter began to stagger to a drunken stop, as the others leaned forward to listen.

"Oh yes?" said Ben, looking dangerous.

"Yes. Sadly, even the older one is too young for you."

The athletic young man laughed the loudest at this, ending up wheezing and holding his sides.

Ben's cane rose up and shook in the air. Ron put his palms together and raised them above his head, looking away and bowing in mock submission to the impending beating.

When the young man's wheezing began to subside, Ron turned his sorrowful frown to him and said, "Zodi, I'm afraid I have worse news for you."

Zodi stiffened. "What?" he half giggled, half growled.

"Sadly for you, it seems the younger one has already made her choice. It seems our learned physician has come to her attention."

"Humph," said Zodi, "I have heard that idle gossip. A brave, restless warrior like her, leaping down from the stars, fighting a lion with her bare hands. She, choose a boring physician? I think not!"

Avni clenched her hand until the nails bit painfully into her palm. They must be talking about her and Indu. It all fit, especially the drearily familiar remarks about age. Except for the talk about being "high-born". That was confusing.

Rita sat up straighter and addressed the group. "Yes, this I witnessed directly, as I helped FinSang tend to the visitors."

"Humph, I have no use for that story."

Story? Could this be the incident Indu had ...

"When FinSang entered the room," began Rita, "he caught her eye instantly."

Rita snapped her fingers. "I mean instantly. She was on him like butter on bread."

Ben's cane wobbled as he chuckled.

Rita shifted on the bench and made a vertical sweeping motion with her hands. "She walked up to him and looked him over head to toe."

Yes. This was it. The interplanetary diplomatic incident Indu had stupidly precipitated. Except, it seemed that ...

"Then, as is the custom of her people when picking a mate, she pinched his cheeks and twisted his fingers one by one."

They all were listening wide-eyed to Rita now, even Zodi.

Avni gaped. This was impossible. They had interpreted it all as a harmless ritual.

Zodi stamped his foot and scowled. "But why? This is so ridiculous. Why would she do that?"

Rita shrugged. "They come from the sky. Their customs are different."

Had Rita forgotten what had happened next? Surely that had been too egregious to explain away as some strange cultural difference.

Rita tilted her head. "Of course, FinSang balked when she tried to pry open his mouth to examine his teeth, but by then I think she was quite taken by him."

It was all Avni could do to not gasp out loud. She had been so sure Indu's stupidly impulsive actions were going to be treated as a great diplomatic insult, if not an actual attack. She had stayed awake the whole night, rehearsing delicate apologies and explanations, racking her brain for how to minimize the loss of face and strength.

And here it seemed that not only were the villagers not offended, but they even thought of this as part of some kind of mating ritual, a cultural act. Of course, things could still get sticky, in case Indu had unwittingly gotten herself into some kind of marital arrangement. Serve her right though. She could remain here, with that FinSang.

Zodi slammed his fist into his palm. "Humph, she was probably wondering why he was so frail and weak, when obviously our settlement is strong in providing for its people."

"My friend," said Ben, "while you are an excellent specimen of young power, perhaps the warrior wants FinSang the physician for his mind."

"Humph, the older sister, with her plainness, studiousness and timid ways would be a better fit for FinSang. The beautiful warrior is clearly a better fit for a strong guard of the realm, like me."

This Zodi was no doubt a shallow, callous and mindless nobody.

 

[M.P. VandenBerg]

Perhaps I was tired when I read the prior version, but this is much easier to follow. I enjoyed reading it and the dialogue seems to be delivered better.

As she stealthily wended around the slender trunks, Avni wondered why she was trailing Rita under the canopy of the giant tree. It would be a huge embarrassment to the delegation if she was discovered sneaking around like this. Besides, what could she possibly gain?

A barking laugh scampered out of the forest of trunks. Avni stepped around till she could see a group of people lounging next to the fifteen-meter wide mother trunk at the heart of the tree. The laugh smothered itself as Rita emerged next to them.

Two men got off one of the crude benches and made space for Rita. She waved and said something as she sat down. A politer ripple of laughter went round the group.

Avni snuck closer and closer until their words became distinct. This was near enough. They were focused on their circle, and it was dark under this part of the canopy, but if they happened to look her way for a moment ... She needed a good excuse if she was discovered. She had seen Rita before. Perhaps she had a question for Rita.

These sentences really stood out for me, they give essential context, create tension, as well as paint a better picture. I know how it looks and sounds, who the MC is and their intentions. You are far from beating your reader over the head with description, this is very effective writing.

An athletic young man cracked his knuckles carelessly. "The younger one is a high-born. You can see it in her eyes."

A burly man, who had made space for Rita earlier, smiled sardonically. "Spent a lot of time looking into her eyes, have we?"

Good joke, tells you about characters, adds a new tension. Not just a gag.

There was that word again. "High born." Surely, these people didn't have royalty? That was so backward. But again, perhaps governing an entire planet with 10 billion people needed unorthodox social structures.

This doesn't seem to fit a 3rd person introspective. Perhaps it does, I'm no expert, it just seemed a bit clunky.

Rita's head scanned the group. "I would like to remind you all that we no longer use the words 'high-born'."

should be a comma, no? Also, I think you should give Rita a better line here, or maybe dump it, and add 'high-born' to the next line. It just doesn't strike me as something that people would normally say in conversation, at least not like that.

She patted the old man's hand. "That was a term used when Ben here was young. Many orbits have passed since such a time."

Someone giggled then quickly stifled it. A heavy silence fell over the group.

"Ah, what am I saying," Rita said, exploding with laughter. "Those idiots in the big city have nothing better to do than change the words every year."

I don't think that works. I'm picturing her laughing mid-sentence surrounded by silent people. It just feels a bit awkward.

Smiles began to appear again.

"One year they tell us to use 'high-born' and next year they tell us not to. Well, they can go drink from our latrine."

Hysterical laughter broke out.

I like that a lot.

Ben smiled and nodded at Rita. "You're one of the good ones, Rita. Always have been."

She patted Ben on the back. "And, I agree with you, Ben. The older one is bound to be a high-born."

I like Rita. She's compassionate and wise and can sympathize with both sides of the worldview.

Ben flashed a victorious gap-toothed smile. His white hair swooshed over his shoulders as he looked smugly from Ron to the athletic young man.

Ron leaned forward. The corners of his mouth dropped as the smile melted into a mocking frown.

"I'm afraid I have bad news for you, Ben."

The group's laughter began to stagger to a drunken stop, as the others leaned forward to listen.

"Oh yes?" said Ben, looking dangerous.

"Yes. Sadly, even the older one is too young for you."

The athletic young man laughed the loudest at this, ending up wheezing and holding his sides.

For whatever reason, this didn't make sense to me in the other version. I was having a hard time figuring out who was talking and the joke didn't land for me, not a problem here.

Avni clenched her hand until the nails bit painfully into her palm. They must be talking about her and Indu. It all fit, especially the drearily familiar remarks about age. Except for the talk about being "high-born". That was confusing.

This seems like 2nd-person narration. I don't think that's what you intend, as this seems like a 3rd person story.

Story? Could this be the incident Indu had ...

This is a question, also 2nd person again.

Yes. This was it. The interplanetary diplomatic incident Indu had stupidly precipitated. Except, it seemed that ...

Okay, I actually can't tell if your 3rd or second person at this point. Cutting off exposition from a narrator is a strange choice.

Had Rita forgotten what had happened next? Surely that had been too egregious to explain away as some strange cultural difference.

I don't think forming these as questions is working. You seem to be jumping between 3rd and 2nd person by doing so. The info is important, you just need to stay consistent with your narration. 3rd person is hard, 2nd person is to be avoided in my opinion.

Rita tilted her head. "Of course, FinSang balked when she tried to pry open his mouth to examine his teeth, but by then I think she was quite taken by him."

It was all Avni could do to not gasp out loud. She had been so sure Indu's stupidly impulsive actions were going to be treated as a great diplomatic insult, if not an actual attack. She had stayed awake the whole night, rehearsing delicate apologies and explanations, racking her brain for how to minimize the loss of face and strength.

And here it seemed that not only were the villagers not offended, but they even thought of this as part of some kind of mating ritual, a cultural act. Of course, things could still get sticky, in case Indu had unwittingly gotten herself into some kind of marital arrangement. Serve her right though. She could remain here, with that FinSang.

This is all 3rd person and works much better. Was that intentional? haha.

This Zodi was no doubt a shallow, callous and mindless nobody.

I would recommend dropping this line, it's already is clear. Or make it an Anvi thought.

This scene works pretty well. The humour lands better and the tension and imagery really give this scene some substance. My biggest critique is the type of narration isn't always clear. I can't tell if you're a third person or have a narrator that speaks to the reader. When you have narration that asks a question on Anvi's behalf, it would be better to make it an internal monologue and write it like dialogue.

Example:
"They must be talking about us. It all fit, especially the drearily familiar remarks about age," Anvi thought to herself. Although the talk about being 'high-born' was confusing.

That being said, this is some of the best writing I've seen on here so far. I'm looking forward to more. I don't normally nit-pick to this degree, so take it as a compliment.

 

[msstice]

Thank you for the reread! Helps a lot.

 

[Swank]

As she stealthily wended around the slender trunks, Avni wondered why she was trailing Rita under the canopy of the giant tree.

This is an unnecessarily complex sentence. It implies that Rita is interacting with the canopy, and "stealithly" (like "sardonically" later on) feels forced and unnecessary. There are a few other points where the language seemed weighed down with unnecessary descriptors, but this is the worst offender.

My overall take on this passage is that almost nothing happens over the course of 1300 words. The number of characters involved and their fairly indistinct jocularity makes it hard to follow - there isn't just two or three voices to pay attention to, but a number great enough that no one voice stands out as imparting essential information to the plot. By the end I didn't feel like Avni had learned anything of real interest or that any of the characters had revealed anything much about themselves that couldn't be chocked up to banter. So it was a struggle to get through. It felt like everything Avni needed to learn she could have in 40 words, and the rest is filler. Not that everything has to serve the plot all the time, but nothing is said that expands the characters, or is funny to read, or brings new mystery or meaning to these groups.

I did not read your previous version, so this is my take with fresh eyes. Please pardon my criticism.

 

[msstice]

or that any of the characters had revealed anything much about themselves that couldn't be chocked up to banter. So it was a struggle to get through. It felt like everything Avni needed to learn she could have in 40 words, and the rest is filler.

Ah, interesting. Sounds like this might slow the pace. I will think harder about its position in the larger piece. Thank you for your read through.