Plouton - Chapter 1 (860 words)

[tinkerdan]

No need for that.

Ouch! You are correct and I am embarrassed.

The line is; Lightening flash.
Based on that rare definition-- you have a flash that has lightened the sky, so it does work and you can claim a sort of authorial craftiness in the use of the term.

Anecdotally:
I once wrote something like...
It was dark in her room and she knew there was more dark outside.

The editor wanted that changed from more dark to darker.

It was dark in her room but she knew there was darker outside.(well we knew he meant something like she knew it was darker outside.)

I changed it to
It was dark in her room but she knew there was darker-ness outside.
with a note that said--if you can't parse that thought then the reader won't so go ahead and change it to
It was dark in her room and darker outside.

Which is totally not what I meant to say; however I didn't want the reader distracted by my cleverness.
The thought was that the room was dark and she knew on some level that there was more darkness on the other side of the door.

 

[Wayne Mack]

The line is; Lightening flash.
Based on that rare definition-- you have a flash that has lightened the sky, so it does work and you can claim a sort of authorial craftiness in the use of the term.

Risking banishment, perhaps,

"The brightening storm created a false dawn, lightening lightning lightening lightning lit skies."

 

[Wayne Mack]

The current rewrite. I still appreciate any comments, but I am going to leave this chapter alone for a while, I have a lot of other chapters that need attention.

Chapter 1​

“Sweetie, you be careful now,” Sally called.

I grabbed my flashlight and stepped out the back of the BAS building. The area was dark, but the security camera still swiveled and followed my movement towards the corner of the building. A flash of heat lightning briefly lit the Equipment Storage and Repair Annex across the dusty walkway. The shadows returned and were only interrupted by a small circle of light from the security camera that was on the front of the ESRA building.

Jason Meyers stumbled into view, dressed in a baggy, hand me down gray miner’s shirt and pants that had been cinched in at the waist. The message had been correct; he indeed had a rifle. He sat down under the light and set the gun stock on the ground and held the muzzle pointing up in the air.

I took a deep breath. Situational awareness – what did I know? One, a single armed individual with weapon not held in an immediate firing position. Two, threat level. Individual is emotionally upset and perhaps intoxicated. Unclear whether targets are others or himself. Three, individual seated in a lighted area in surrounding darkness – likely blind to anything beyond the light. Four, situation stable, no need for immediate action.

Item four changed rapidly. Jason slid the stock of the gun away from him and pulled the muzzle down under his chin. I moved forward quickly hoping to close the intervening distance. A stone bounced away from my boot. I stopped.

Jason looked up into the darkness. His head turned quickly back and forth as he attempted to see beyond the light.

“Easy now, Jason,” I switched on the flashlight.

“Misser Mason, don’chu try to stop me. They sent my Daddy away.”

A realization crept onto Jason’s face. “No, it was you. You who sent my Daddy away.”

He turned the rifle in my direction and unsteadily rose. I switched off the flashlight and stepped further back into the darkness. Jason come forward out of the light, eyes trying to see in the dark.

Lightning flash. Crack, the thunder followed. Jason looked upward and turned towards the sound. Two quick steps, I closed the distance. My left hand grabbed the barrel of the rifle. Upward and away. The weapon fired. The flash blinded my eyesight; deafened my ears. My shoulders twisting, I swung the flashlight down on the back of Jason’s neck. He lay quietly on the ground.

Situation. One, individual disarmed. Two, individual unconscious. No longer a threat. Three, Individual in darkened area, perhaps out of sight of video camera. Four, current situation stable. Ramifications. One, weapons policy demanded dismissal from all company property which of course meant the whole damn planet. Two, scene likely captured on camera. Three, unlikely anyone at corporate was viewing live. Options. One, just do my damn job. Two, I wonder if the camera tech would feel sympathy and agree to delete the recording.

 

[tinkerdan]

"The brightening storm created a false dawn, lightening lightning lightening lightning lit skies."

I would just add.
The storm brightened into a false dawn, lightning lightening the already lightened sky; followed by a darkening, quietened moment of strange eeriness.

 

[msstice]

@Wayne Mack been a delight to see the piece evolving and improving at each iteration!

 

[jd73]

Working title: "Plouton: Mining Among the Stars"

Does this work as an introductory chapter? Does it grab your attention? Does it maintain your attention? I would also appreciate hearing your initial impressions of the characters and environment.

Hi,

No big issues with your writing style or technique. And the voice of the protagonist is decent enough. I think others have mentioned that it starts kind in the wrong place, with people sitting around, sipping tea and so forth. I mean, I am all for that but judging by the title I want c-beams and asteroid-fracking parties. I want spaceships, technology, other worlds, not tea. To grab my attention better, the section with the MC creeping about is a better spot to start, imo, and the following could serve as your opener:

"It was dark but still hot outside and I could see flashes of heat lightening on the outskirts of town. "

(just watch the spelling on "lightening")

In terms of setting and worldbuilding, I think you could give us more. Take us there. Show us the glittering towers of the distant city. Show us tracer trails of cargo vessels as their exhausts crystallise to vapour twenty miles up, bound for somewhere off world. As it is, I "felt like I was on earth", in some midwestern US city or something. It reads like a thriller or action novel. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but it's not really genre, for me. The characters are not quite as complex or developed as I like, but that's very much personal taste. I would say my interest level struggled at first and picked up later, but was never hugely engaged. In terms of action-styled writing though, it is a pretty decent fit in my view. It has that sort of voice and pace to it. And the inciting moment of this kid creeping about these warehouses is compelling enough. Just give us more detail, more pressure, stress, and urgency. Thanks for the read though. Hope this is useful.

 

[TaraRyan]

I like the original version. I think instead of cutting the entire opening you might do well by taking the first paragraph cutting it down and adding it to the second. There is something to be said for grounding a reader to the story. The Hunger Games did this well in the opening paragraphs. Really there is only one rule- make it interesting.

Maybe something like this

“So, how is the tea?” Sally asked. Sally's was closest thing to a general store that the town had. I sat at one of the gray tables that matched the gray walls - walls made of some unnatural material mined from the planet. The tea tasted like it was also made of the stuff.

i think the softer opening was more interesting than the second because it gives you an idea of where they are and what is going on in the world before the chaos (good chaos) of the action.

I looked into Sally’s hopeful eyes as I prepared to lie.

This is a great line, it tells the reader who Rob Mason is. He's the kind Deputy that will sacrifice his taste buds not to hurt hopeful Sally's feelings.

The action was strong. The only problem I had was the following line:

I was at a loss; there are no standard policing practices in dealing with a distraught teenager. Force was no good and I was at a tactical disadvantage.

This is fictional world, so you really can do whatever you want. However, in the real world the law also applies to minors wielding deadly weapons, they don't get a free pass. Any officer worth their badge will try to do everything they can to de-escalate a situation, but I think it might be helpful to research real events and see how officers reacted and the outcomes of those situations. TV shows get this wrong a lot (try being married to a cop and watching a tv show LOL), so I would start with real cases.

Another thing I particularly liked the description in the action sequence. It gave a clear picture without being overbearing.

All in all, great start! Keep writing

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Edit note - I used the first second and third at the begining of this critique before I had read any of your story. It wasn't intended to be, or even an an attempt at a piss take. It's just being relatively new to the site you won't know how I critique. I usually go with the words and three colours with no preamble.

First off - I'm very picky.

Secondly - I'm not a published writer and my opinions are those of an idiot - or so some say.

Thirdly - I use the following method to critique and they are all just opinions. Most people ignore them.

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To me this doesn't work, although it has promise. - read on

Working title: "Plouton: Mining Among the Stars"

Does this work as an introductory chapter? Does it grab your attention? Does it maintain your attention? I would also appreciate hearing your initial impressions of the characters and environment.

Chapter 1​

I was sitting in Sally’s sipping her latest tea, (why latest? it's never mentioned again. All we learn is that he doesn't like it. All is says is this guy is prepared to duck the "important" issues and lie. As an opening I'm not grabbed) seated at a gray table that matched the gray walls - walls made of, in Sally’s words, the finest unnatural materials on the planet. The dining area was towards the front of the building and the backside (bum? fanny) housed the service facility. It didn’t seem like much, but Sally had made it into the closest thing to a general store that the town had. (Most general stores (And in the US most depictions I've seen even more so fill every inch of floor wall and hanging space with things you can buy - The colour of the walls is rarely seen)

“So, how is the tea?” Sally asked. (possibly a better starting point)

I looked into Sally’s hopeful eyes as I prepared to lie, (the tea was crap - or similar, but) I was saved when Dr. Abey burst through the door, though my concern started to rise. Dr. Freedman Abeyenko was always calm and reserved. He seemed to be neither.

“Deputy Mason,” he started and I knew there was trouble. Everyone called me Rob.

He continued, “That Meyers kid. Well, Betty Hon broke up with him. Again.”

I live in a small town. Everyone knows everything and those two had been on and off for months.

“This time he is threatening to hurt himself.”

Teenage overreaction; that could be trouble.

“And he has a gun.” The trouble just escalated to interstellar in nature.

#​

“Sweetie, you be careful now,” Sally called as I grabbed my flashlight and headed towards the back door. I didn’t have a weapon – I really don’t need one and corporate regulations prohibit firearms on company property. Of course, company property meant the entire planet. (but some young kid had easy access? Why wouldn't they want their enforcers armed - seems unlikely)

It was dark but still hot outside and I could see flashes of heat lightening (? how, why describe more of the environment that would cause this show is a bit of the world - why, how does it avoid the town?) on the outskirts of town. As I turned to my left and crept walked towards the corner of the building, the security camera on the back wall picked me up and swiveled to follow my movement. (Why would it do that before he came into view) Peering around the corner I could just glimpse see the warehouse building, Mineral Ore Processing or the MOP (warehouse or processing?) and to its left was Equipment Storage and Repair – the ESRA building. The lighted camera on the ESRA building cast a wide circle on the dusty walkway in front and Jason Meyers, walking unevenly, stumbled into view. (All this definition and naming things is really slowing down the action which is what would grab us)

He was dressed in a hand me down gray miner’s shirt and pants that had been cinched in at the waist to match his lean teenage build. (isn't the "fashion" for miners nowadays they wear bright colours so they can be seen in a collapsed mine situation?) Yep, he had indeed gotten ahold of a contraband rifle. The fool kid looked to have been drinking and was carrying the gun in full view of both me and the ESRA security camera. He sat down in the circle of light and held the gun with its stock on the ground and muzzle pointing up in the air.

My training took over. Situational awareness. I formed a checklist. One, a single armed individual with weapon not held in an immediate firing position. Two, threat level. Individual is emotionally upset and perhaps intoxicated. Unclear whether targets are others or himself. Three, individual seated in a lighted area in surrounding darkness – likely blind to anything beyond the light. Four, situation stable, no need for immediate action.

Item four changed rapidly. Jason slid the stock of the gun away from him in the dirt and started to pull the muzzle down and settle under his chin. I moved forward quickly from behind the corner of the building, hoping to close the intervening distance quickly. A stone bounced away from my boot.

Jason looked up into the darkness and started to turn the rifle in my direction. His head swiveled back and forth as he attempted to see something in the surrounding darkness. I neared the edge of light and stopped.

“Easy now, Jason,” I switched on the flashlight. My visibility should help calm the situation. (why, you're pointing it at him so he is now blinded - just step into the light)

Jason’s eyes slowly focused on my face. “Misser Mason, don’chu try to stop me. They sent my Daddy away.”

A realization crept onto Jason’s face and he turned the rifle in my direction. “No, it was you. You who sent my Daddy away. You and Dr. Abey.” (Good)

I switched off the flashlight and stepped back further into the darkness. And I saw that yes, indeed he was in range of the security cameras, but now he had stepped forward into the shadows.

I was at a loss; there are no standard policing practices in dealing with a distraught teenager (why?). Force was no good and I was at a tactical disadvantage.

Lightening flash. Crack, the thunder followed. Jason looked upward and turned towards the sound. Racing forward, I closed the distance and grabbed the barrel of the rifle. Jason felt (how would he know what jason felt) me twisting the rifle upward and tightened his grip. The weapon fired. The blast deafened my right ear. My left hand swung. The (I crashed the) flashlight crashed down on the back of Jason’s neck and he crumpled to the ground.

Checklist. One, individual disarmed. Two, individual unconscious. No longer a threat. Three, Individual in darkened area, perhaps out of sight of video camera. Four, current situation stable. Ramifications need to be considered. The damage may already have been done. I could only hope that no one at corporate was live watching the camera feeds. The kid would be off-planet with the next transport ship if corporate saw it. I wondered if the camera tech would feel sympathy and agree to delete the recording.

As I said, it didn't work for me. This out of body Sherlock Holmes attempt - especially the one two three etc makes for difficult reading IMO and slows the action. The basic idea of a mining colony on some distant planet has promise. If guns aren't allowed then make it a nail gun or knife. However, given the nature of the place, guns will be there.



Hope I helped

Tein

 

[Don Coyote]

Wayne, I liked the softer opening as well. It can be a really short story giving the reader a glimpse into the lives of the characters that there won't be time for later. This was used to particularly good effect on the Gun Smoke radio show. Without the soft opening, you might as well start the story where Deputy Mason is assessing the situation.

I second that Deputy Mason should have a taser, pepper spray and a night stick or a reason why.

When you wrote "Situational Awareness" what you really meant was OODA Loop- Observe, Orient, Decide, Act then repeat as needed. When Deputy Mason assesses the situation, he starts by observing. "What do we have here?" My point being, where you use the term "situational awareness" doesn't fit. I think it would be awkward to use OODA, so maybe Deputy Mason should assess the situation. I like that you did that. It shows Deputy Mason is a professional.

But, when he switches off his light and retreats from the kid, he's giving away what little advantage he has. Being in the dark shining his light in the kid's eyes makes it hard for the kid to see the Deputy clearly. If the kid does decide to shoot, the lighting situation is in the Deputy's favor. Also, Deputy Mason needs to close the distance to reduce the time the kid has to react. Action trumps reaction.

The availability of a rifle to a teenage kid on a company planet with a ban on firearms speaks volumes. That means the company is keeping tighter reigns on the deputy than the criminals.

Mason is a deputy what? Sheriff? Marshal? Who is the Sheriff/Marshal? Is the Sheriff/Marshal dirtside? Or located on another planet? Who does the Sheriff/Marshal answer to? The company? Some far off government?

I like the voice and the premise.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Seems I need to comment on the updated version. I felt that it leaves one wondering where exactly we are, save that it is on a planet (not Earth). A little more space could be expended on establishing where and when we are, I think. It is not so obvious in this version, but with a few trifling edits, the setting could be changed to Smalltown USA 2020, without changing the story itself.
That said, the updated piece catches the attention and flows well as drama, introducing the situation and the viewpoint character.