Israel Falls Pitch:

[Cli-Fi]

Guys, the novel is nearly complete. I probably have a good 50 pages or so to write so here is my pitch:

Infamous time traveler, Henry Wilson rises to prominence in the illegal soul trade after killing his business partner and taking his wife for himself. Preventing a cosmic war in the process, he and his family reaps the rewards for a millennium until a new technology threatens their power.

A bit more savage than you might have guessed.

I'm not sure if I can call a new character that nobody knows infamous. Is there a different word to use?

 

[Ihe]

If he was an infamous time traveller BEFORE he kills his partner and marries his wife, it should be ok. Unscrupulous, unprincipled, or dishonourable are more character traits that don't require any fame/external perceptions added, so if infamous doesn't work, you might wanna check more personal traits.

 

[Mouse]

... taking his wife for himself.

This bit made me instantly wonder whether she had a say in the matter. Comes off a tad rapey.

 

[The Big Peat]

I'm confused as to whether this is what happens in the story, or this is what precedes the story. I'm also confused as to what challenges he faces during the book.

Infamous works for me. Its described his own status in his own society.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm also confused as to what challenges he faces during the book.

Yes, the "reaping the rewards for a millennium" comes across as more significant than "until a new technology threatens their power", which seems an afterthought.

Also, maybe some reason why we're meant to root for this guy? Even his preventing a war seems to be just a happy accident. He doesn't have to be "good", but what makes him interesting rather than just an arse?

 

[Cli-Fi]

This bit made me instantly wonder whether she had a say in the matter. Comes off a tad rapey.

Both sides are very manipulative.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'm confused as to whether this is what happens in the story, or this is what precedes the story. I'm also confused as to what challenges he faces during the book.

Infamous works for me. Its described his own status in his own society.

Since it's a time travel story the whole thing is kinda happening all at once. I can't really explain it without giving too much away or going through more world-building, but it deals with future selves and manipulation of the timeline.

 

[The Big Peat]

Since it's a time travel story the whole thing is kinda happening all at once. I can't really explain it without giving too much away or going through more world-building, but it deals with future selves and manipulation of the timeline.

So its kinda of a rise and fall story, except all jumbled together because of the time travel?

 

[Cli-Fi]

So its kinda of a rise and fall story, except all jumbled together because of the time travel?

Yeah he becomes infamous in this world, time travelers know who he is but he doesn't know who he is yet, and for half the novel he tries to not get involved in the corruption, but realizes its the only way to save reality.

 

[Mouse]

Both sides are very manipulative.

Ok, but that doesn't come over in the pitch. If you're pitching this to agents, many of which are women, you don't want them to think it's a rapey novel, do you. Look at other ways to word things, perhaps.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Ok, but that doesn't come over in the pitch. If you're pitching this to agents, many of which are women, you don't want them to think it's a rapey novel, do you. Look at other ways to word things, perhaps.

Hmmm. I never thought of it that way. Interesting... I'll have to tone down the savagery

 

[Cli-Fi]

Yes, the "reaping the rewards for a millennium" comes across as more significant than "until a new technology threatens their power", which seems an afterthought.

Also, maybe some reason why we're meant to root for this guy? Even his preventing a war seems to be just a happy accident. He doesn't have to be "good", but what makes him interesting rather than just an arse?

A good portion of the book is about shady dealings that they have with other time travelers, the power they have, and the werido scenarios they get themselves involved in and it's the chase that they enjoy, but the new power is introduced at the end of the novel, even though its hinted at through various parts.

 

[Cli-Fi]

If he was an infamous time traveller BEFORE he kills his partner and marries his wife, it should be ok. Unscrupulous, unprincipled, or dishonourable are more character traits that don't require any fame/external perceptions added, so if infamous doesn't work, you might wanna check more personal traits.

The character has changed a lot from when I first came up with him, so yes. I guess infamous is the right word to use now.

 

[The Big Peat]

A good portion of the book is about shady dealings that they have with other time travelers, the power they have, and the werido scenarios they get themselves involved in and it's the chase that they enjoy, but the new power is introduced at the end of the novel, even though its hinted at through various parts.

From what you're saying, the shady dealings are the meat of the book, and should be the meat of the pitch.

Reading it again, it feels like the pitch for an obituary, not a story. I'm interested in the character but absolutely baffled by what the story will be.

 

[Ihe]

Reading it again, it feels like the pitch for an obituary, not a story. I'm interested in the character but absolutely baffled by what the story will be.

This. It reads like your pitching the backstory, instead of the actual plot.

Also, killing his partner and taking his wife feels like a MAJOR plot point. I would pitch the premise, not the turning point of the story (unless, of course, it happens off-book). On the other hand, these actions described definitely paint an intriguing profile for the MC, which is always good to garner interest in the story, so I'm divided on whether it'd be correct to give it away or not. Would anyone with more pitching experience care to chime in on this?

 

[Hoverdasher]

Guys, the novel is nearly complete. I probably have a good 50 pages or so to write so here is my pitch:

Infamous time traveler, Henry Wilson rises to prominence in the illegal soul trade after killing his business partner and taking his wife for himself. Preventing a cosmic war in the process, he and his family reaps the rewards for a millennium until a new technology threatens their power.

Hoverdasher Said:

I am new to the critique process. I have read through and made changes that helped this sound more clear and concise for me—so, take it or leave it (as it may already be clear enough for you and everyone else). I wrote a re-worded version, then used original, placing parentheses around my additions or changes—used strike-out, so that what was replaced is still visible.

***************************

(Suggested Alternative Wording)


After killing his business partner and stealing his wife for himself, infamous time traveler, Henry Wilson, rises to prominence through engagement in illegal soul trade. Preventing a cosmic war in the process, he and his family reap a turn-about of wealth and approbation for one millennium. Will the advent of a novel technology threaten to undermine the family’s long-standing establishment of power?

(etc. may be more clear?)

(Here is the original, with some of my suggested edits—take them or ignore them)

Infamous time traveler, Henry Wilson rises to prominence (through engagement in) in the illegal soul trade after killing his business partner and taking his wife for himself. Preventing a cosmic war in the process, he and his family (reap) reaps the (pithy descript qualifying “rewards”—e. g. approbation, wealth, etc.) rewards for a (one) millennium(,) until (the advent of) a new technology threatens [(threatens to fill-in-the-blank—to do what to threaten their power?] their power.

Infamous is okay, unless this guy is your complicated protagonist—someone like Dr. Gregory House, who is oft misunderstood. Look, yes Wilson did some stuff that was awful, and became notorious for it (hence, he IS infamous), yet—what is at back of this Henry Wilson’s motives. What are the ends justifying such awful means?

Because I do not know this, I do not know if infamous is suitable. It is definitive. I know that. If you want mystery instead of definitive, you might look for synonyms for ‘controversial’ time traveler…Henry Wilson.

But, as I mentioned—I am new to this, so please take it with a grain of salt, leaving what you don’t benefit from, and taking from what you do.

I’m a fan—so, you have got me hooked.

Hoverdasher

 

[Cli-Fi]

I'm interested in the character but absolutely baffled by what the story will be.

Is that a good thing? I'm working both angles. How he rises to power is one part of the book and what happens when the new technology threatens his life in the future is another part of the book. It time jumps every three chapters or so.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Controversial

I have a problem with controversial because then there is almost always the follow-up question as to why he is controversial. Infamous is more solid, but then again, for portions of the book that take place in the present day, he is not yet infamous.

So I could really write the pitch multiple ways and it still make sense. Past tense or future tense. I have written both.

 

[Dan Jones]

I’m absolutely with Mouse in the whole “taking his wife” thing. What is he, Papa Lazarou?

Mightn’t you perhaps use verbs like “seduce” instead, which at least gives the character a swarthy, buccaneering air, rather than, well, a rapey one?

To hit other points, I’m fine with infamous, it has a specific meaning and doesn’t necessarily mean a character won’t be fun to tag along with.

I agree with Peat too, inasmuch as I can’t tell the story from this. All this info could be from stuff that happens before the text start. And if it’s not, it’s hugely spoilerific. So some detail of what happens at the start, and a key choice or action the character is faced with would help to crystallise it.

PS I feel your pain. I’m writing my blurb atm and I detest them.

 

[HareBrain]

What is he, Papa Lazarou?

At least we know that @Dave is here.