Hi Springs,
The prospect of the rugby tomorrow - and England's blistering showing in the cricket against Sri Lanka right now - is keeping me awake, so I thought I'd offer my thoughts.
I've read both versions now, and the following comments are on the second version.
I think "As usual" is a weak opening. I'd lose it. It implies monotony, ennui. Perhaps better to move the recurring nature of this event later in the sentence or para.
As usual, on the twentieth day the courtyard was busy, sacks of food and drums of water unloaded from the first of two carts, the returning mages from the other, helped down by their families and half-carried to the wooden houses surrounding the courtyard.
It's also a dang long opening sentence. I got called on a long opening sentence not long ago and it was a fair cop; unless you're PG Wodehouse (see The Luck Of The Bodkins) it's probably best to shorten it a tad.
[Interjection: Eoin Morgan, you're flippin' hopeless!]
Ten mages, tall and straight, selected as the strongest, joined the line of Council Guards in front of the dark metal gates, closed for now.
In my mind these mages are chained up or something, given what I know from the previous draft. If so shouldn't this be explicit? If not, should there be some other hint as to their incarceration? A first-time reader mightn't understand that the reason these ten mages are being chosen is a grim one.
A silence fell, born of the moment, of the knowing what lay ahead, of the uselessness of it all.
That last part "the uselessness of it all" threatens to jump out of POV. I assume this means Anna's feeling that it's all useless; or is Anna imposing her assumptions upon the audience? If you read the line it's like the audience is collectively conveying that. There's no sense of Anna's individual feelings about it.
Anna’s mother touched her arm, making her jump,
Why does she jump? Is she scared of her mum? Perhaps better to say "someone touches my arm, and I jump, but it's only my mum" ??? Or something like that.
the closest friend he had.
I don't think this coda is necessary. I'd remove it.
Anna winced; only six months older than her and Blake and already eligible for service.
OK, by this point I think, my points above notwithstanding, it's better. There are more breadcrumbs and fewer great big loaves.
I think, perhaps surprisingly for you and considering the first first draft, that we've lost a little bit of Anna's feelings about the situation. It's almost like the POV has shifted subtly and used the audience as a proxy, as I've mentioned above. I'm aware I'm probably being a right pain as everybody else has said that the second version is an improvement (and it's just my opinion etc etc), but I do feel that Anna is more distant in this version.
The stakes don't feel as urgent. The final touch of her mother is done "unbearably" but that's about it.
Having said that, the imagery was much clearer, perhaps because you didn't try to explain it too much. I think you're quite ok with not giving away the full grisly detail of what's going on; that can wait. But it seems to me that with this second version you're not playing to your strengths, which is character and emotion, which is a bit odd to me.
Still, there's a very good first scene in there. Hope this all makes sense. Shiraz can be a fickle companion.