In Defense of Our Dreams. First 1115 words.

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The Bravest Newbie

War Boy, shiny and chrome
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The crucial paperwork arrived four hours late, Huxton had to ask the cashier to use her establishment’s printer behind the bar. It was a surprise to him that it was only four hours late, the quality of the United Systems Military’s logistics division had eroded to new lows during his latest tour. All that mattered was that he had it now and as soon as he’d completed it and turned it in he’d be retired. His age-scarred hands shook with excitement at his new life.

Huxton took another bite from his steak burger and chewed the warm and juicy meat slowly to savor every last bite. He wiped the grease off his hands with reusable napkin that probably met the official environmental standards and resumed writing. In ten minutes he’d reached the final page of plastic where a single line sat labeled ‘sign your full name and title here.’ He put pen to plastic one more time. ‘Squadron Commander Adriatic Vimes Huxton-Medal of Valor, United Systems Spacefleet, eight seven two two zero nine nine black.’ Huxton folded the plastic up with deft, precise movements and slid the perfect rectangle into one of the inside pockets of his jacket. He resumed eating.

Adriatic Huxton stood six feet even at full height. His hair was black and spiky. The face underneath was gaunt and creased with worry lines and scars both from the wear of an abusive life and several knife and gun injuries. Centering it was a pair of icy brown eyes and a thick black moustache. His body was thin and made up of ropy yet rock-solid muscle rather than fat. He wore a black jacket with red trim that had three red bars on the lapels and a thick swatch of ribbons on his chest. Black pants and boots completed the Commander’s uniform, with black gloves perfectly fitting his hands. Huxton sat slightly slumped over, but always tensed as if he could be attacked at any second.

“Adriatic” a young female voice called. He sat bolt upright and looked around quickly. There was no one within two tables of him. He sighed to himself, and took another bite from the ten-ounce burger, then downed half a glass of pop in one long gulp. He looked out the window.

The diner sat atop a junction between two of Tollyon Anchorage’s main armatures. Two roads of haphazard modular construction grew at right angles from each other and extended forty miles. Smaller columns branched off, containing drydocks, habitation modules, sentry turrets, and other modules necessary for the regional military capitol. Hundreds of spaceships ranging from tiny sub-orbital shuttles to the mile-and a half long flying bricks that were fleet carriers crossed the open starscape and half-planet view of Tollyon’s mottled blue-brown surface.

“Squadron Commander Huxton, sir” a hardened but high male voice said. Huxton ignored it this time. He finished off his burger and started on the greasy fried potatoes. “Commander, sir?” A black gauntlet slapped the plastic table.

He looked up. A Space Trooper in menacing black body armor stood before him, his assault rifle slung over his shoulders. Instinctively Huxton’s free hand went to his sidearm, but he recognized his ashen-skinned face and nervous smile beneath his helmet. “Sergeant Thomaguchi Alenko” he said. “Sit down.”

Alenko’s armor made an awkward scratching on the metal bench as he scooted in. At five foot six, his eyes were well below Huxton’s level. “Commander sir” he said nervously.

Huxton muttered “so how’s your shore leave going Sergeant?”

“I just finished it. Vindication rolls out for Hallard’s Deep in twenty-four hours. You know the rest.”

“Colonel Nessella is going to take it there for a re-fitting and a new Commander. Did they promote anyone since I last checked?”

Alenko shook his head. “Not as far as I can tell. Everything’s going to be the same except with a different commander.” His voice dragged with disappointment.

That annoyed Huxton, he’d had one of the finest crews in the fleet under his command and they weren’t being rewarded. “I’m going to write some letters and make some phone calls before I catch my shuttle to the surface, if someone on the carrier isn’t promoted by departure, someone else is going to lose their job. Then you’ll be promoted.”

Alenko looked thrilled. “Yes sir, thank you sir.”

“No, thank you. For being the finest crew in the fleet.” He finished his fried, then downed the last of the soda. Briler fruit flavored, electric blue and very good.

“Thank you sir. It just not going to be the same without you in command, nobody can replace you.”

That meant something to Huxton, even if he didn’t show it externally. “Thanks.”

Are you looking forward to settling down?”

“Yes I am.”

“Got any family?”

“Yes I do. How’s yours? Eric should be what, six now?”

“His birthday’s in two weeks, I bought the gift last night.”

Huxton nodded at him. “Congratulations, happy birthday to the little guy.” He looked at Alenko. The Sergeant was tensed and on edge. “Are you on assignment or making a social visit?”

His rounded jaw worked for several seconds before words came out. “Yes, but I wanted to make a social visit first.”

Huxton clapped once. “Alright, what’s the assignment?”

“You told the bridge that your radio was going to be off for the next eighteen hours. You’re needed back on the bridge, so I’m supposed to escort you back.”

The gears in Huxton’s mind got to work immediately. “Well, clearly its not an emergency otherwise Colonel Nessella would’ve notified the security station twenty feet from this diner, which she knows I eat at for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It isn’t a minor nuisance otherwise they wouldn’t have detatched the Sergeant-at-arms from his duties. I’ll be on one more time in eighteen hours which leaves four for formal goodbyes, not long enough for any real celebration, so…its my surprise retirement party.”

Alenko slapped the table with his gauntlet, denting its surface. “It isn’t a surprise if you guess it, this is why everybody thinks your omnipotent.”

Huxton smirked at him. “I don’t like surprises. Now, we have a party to make don’t we?” He waved at the teenage boy acting as waiter. “Check please.”
 
They probably didn't warn you about me? So, you've a tendency to comma splice - yes,I am aware that this is now tolerated in moderation, but why use when there are simple and available solutions? http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/547358/
Then there's the dialogue punctuation, or lack of same, that needs looking at.

The story? Oh, there'll be someone else along to look at that. ;)

The crucial paperwork arrived four hours late,
Comma splice
Huxton had to ask the cashier to use her establishment’s printer behind the bar. It was a surprise to him that it was only four hours late,
Comma splice
the quality of the United Systems Military’s logistics division had eroded to new lows during his latest tour. All that mattered was that he had it now and
Comma
as soon as he’d completed it and turned it in
Comma
he’d be retired. His age-scarred hands shook with excitement at his new life.

Huxton took another bite from his steak burger and chewed the warm and juicy meat slowly to savor every last bite. He wiped the grease off his hands with reusable napkin that probably met the official environmental standards and resumed writing. In ten minutes he’d reached the final page of plastic where a single line sat labeled ‘sign your full name and title here.’ He put pen to plastic one more time. ‘Squadron Commander Adriatic Vimes Huxton-
Perhaps a little more space round the dash to be certain it isn't a hyphen?
Medal of Valor, United Systems Spacefleet, eight seven two two zero nine nine black.’ Huxton folded the plastic up with deft, precise movements and slid the perfect rectangle into one of the inside pockets of his jacket. He resumed eating.

Adriatic Huxton stood six feet even at full height. His hair was black and spiky. The face underneath was gaunt and creased with worry lines and scars both from the wear of an abusive life and several knife and gun injuries.
Multiple gun injuries to the face?
Centering it was a pair of icy brown eyes and a thick black moustache. His body was thin and made up of ropy yet rock-solid muscle rather than fat. He wore a black jacket with red trim that had three red bars on the lapels and a thick swatch of ribbons on his chest.
Perhaps a "red-trimmed jacket" to prevent pedants like me seeing red trim with red bars?
Black pants and boots completed the Commander’s uniform, with black gloves perfectly fitting his hands. Huxton sat slightly slumped over, but always tensed as if he could be attacked at any second.

“Adriatic
Punctuation, probably a comma.
” a young female voice called. He sat bolt upright and looked around quickly. There was no one within two tables of him. He sighed to himself, and took another bite from the ten-ounce burger, then downed half a glass of pop in one long gulp. He looked out the window.

The diner sat atop a junction between two of Tollyon Anchorage’s main armatures
Armatures? Metallic skeletons, frameworks or generator coils?
. Two roads of haphazard modular construction grew at right angles from each other and extended forty miles. Smaller columns branched off, containing drydocks, habitation modules, sentry turrets, and other modules necessary for the regional military capitol
Check the difference between 'capital' (the most important, particularly city) and 'Capitol', a building in Rome and another in Washington DC. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I suspect it was the other meaning.
. Hundreds of spaceships ranging from tiny sub-orbital shuttles to the mile-and a half long flying bricks that were fleet carriers crossed the open starscape and half-planet view of Tollyon’s mottled blue-brown surface.

“Squadron Commander Huxton, sir
comma
” a hardened but high male voice said. Huxton ignored it this time. He finished off his burger and started on the greasy fried potatoes. “Commander, sir?” A black gauntlet slapped the plastic table.

He looked up. A Space Trooper in menacing black body armor stood before him, his assault rifle slung over his shoulders. Instinctively Huxton’s free hand went to his sidearm, but he recognized his ashen-skinned face and nervous smile beneath his
Who is the 'he' for the 'his'? Yes, I know we're just going to learn, but…
helmet. “Sergeant Thomaguchi Alenko
Comma
” he said. “Sit down.”

Alenko’s armor made an awkward scratching on the metal bench as he scooted in. At five foot six, his eyes were well below Huxton’s level.
If his eyes were at five foot six…
“Commander sir
Comma
” he said nervously.

Huxton muttered “so how’s your shore leave going
comma
Sergeant?”

“I just finished it. Vindication rolls out for Hallard’s Deep in twenty-four hours. You know the rest.”

“Colonel Nessella is going to take it there for a re-fitting and a new Commander. Did they promote anyone since I last checked?”

Alenko shook his head. “Not as far as I can tell. Everything’s going to be the same except with a different commander.” His voice dragged with disappointment.

That annoyed Huxton,
Comma splice
he’d had one of the finest crews in the fleet under his command and they weren’t being rewarded. “I’m going to write some letters and make some phone calls before I catch my shuttle to the surface,
Comma splice
if someone on the carrier isn’t promoted by departure, someone else is going to lose their job. Then you’ll be promoted.”

Alenko looked thrilled. “Yes sir, thank you sir.”

“No, thank you. For being the finest crew in the fleet.” He finished his fried, then downed the last of the soda. Briler fruit flavored, electric blue and very good.

“Thank you sir. It just not going to be the same without you in command,
Comma splice.
nobody can replace you.”

That meant something to Huxton, even if he didn’t show it externally. “Thanks.”
Quotation marks.
Are you looking forward to settling down?”

“Yes I am.”

“Got any family?”

“Yes I do. How’s yours? Eric should be what, six now?”

“His birthday’s in two weeks,
Comma splice.
I bought the gift last night.”

Huxton nodded at him. “Congratulations, happy birthday to the little guy.” He looked at Alenko. The Sergeant was tense and on edge. “Are you on assignment or making a social visit?”

His rounded jaw worked for several seconds before words came out. “Yes, but I wanted to make a social visit first.”

Huxton clapped once. “Alright, what’s the assignment?”

“You told the bridge that your radio was going to be off for the next eighteen hours. You’re needed back on the bridge, so I’m supposed to escort you back.”

The gears in Huxton’s mind got to work immediately. “Well, clearly its not an emergency otherwise Colonel Nessella would’ve notified the security station twenty feet from this diner, which she knows I eat at for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It isn’t a minor nuisance otherwise they wouldn’t have detatched the Sergeant-at-arms from his duties. I’ll be on one more time in eighteen hours which leaves four for formal goodbyes, not long enough for any real celebration, so…its my surprise retirement party.”

Alenko slapped the table with his gauntlet, denting its surface. “It isn’t a surprise if you guess it, this is why everybody thinks your omnipotent.”
I don't blame the sergeant, but it should be 'omniscient' :)
Huxton smirked at him. “I don’t like surprises. Now, we have a party to make don’t we?” He waved at the teenage boy acting as waiter. “Check please.”
 
I'll comment as I'm reading:



The crucial paperwork arrived four hours late,

I do like your opening sentence - it's, short, snappy, and forces the reader to ask questions. Just a shame you put in a comma instead of full-stop.

Huxton had to ask the cashier to use her establishment’s printer behind the bar.

He got his paperwork delivered in a bar??

It was a surprise to him that it was only four hours late, the quality of the United Systems Military’s logistics division had eroded to new lows during his latest tour.

Sentence is overly long, and you repeat the lines that the paperwork was four hours later - you told us in the first sentence. Just say it was "later".

All that mattered was that he had it now and

This clause seems irrelevant to me -

as soon as he’d completed it and turned it in he’d be retired. His age-scarred hands shook with excitement at his new life.

He's excited to retire? Not nervous and pensive? Especially for a military man?

Huxton took another bite from his steak burger and chewed the warm and juicy meat slowly to savor every last bite.

Last we heard he was using a printer and holding his papers - eating seems a big jump from what you've already set up.

He wiped the grease off his hands with reusable napkin that probably met the official environmental standards and resumed writing.

Is it not normal for a napkin to meet standards?

In ten minutes he’d reached the final page of plastic where a single line sat labeled ‘sign your full name and title here.’ He put pen to plastic one more time. ‘Squadron Commander Adriatic Vimes Huxton-Medal of Valor, United Systems Spacefleet, eight seven two two zero nine nine black.’

You don't need to explain filling out paperwork - you can summarise. This just seems an excuse to provide a full name, title, honours, unit, and rank - only the first of which is required in a signature. The rest seems like infodump for the reader.

Huxton folded the plastic up with deft, precise movements and slid the perfect rectangle into one of the inside pockets of his jacket.

This focus on trite details is distracting. Unless what follows is "Origami Wars" then the precise manner in how your character folds something seems irrelevant. Also - he's folding plastic.

He resumed eating.

And? If he's happy, feels like he's accomplished something, this is the place for it - when he's signed and finished and can put it behind him.

Adriatic Huxton stood six feet even at full height. His hair was black and spiky.

Right, so we're in Omnscient Point of View. Why did you choose that when Third Person Limited has been the preferred POV use for the past few decades?

The face underneath was gaunt and creased with worry lines and scars both from the wear of an abusive life and several knife and gun injuries.

Now you're simply telling us things. You've already told us that he's an old military man, with an active duty record - you're labouring the point here.

Centering it was a pair of icy brown eyes and a thick black moustache. His body was thin and made up of ropy yet rock-solid muscle rather than fat. He wore a black jacket with red trim that had three red bars on the lapels and a thick swatch of ribbons on his chest. Black pants and boots completed the Commander’s uniform, with black gloves perfectly fitting his hands. Huxton sat slightly slumped over, but always tensed as if he could be attacked at any second.

You seem desperate to try and underline that Adriatic is an old military man - as if you feel a need to convince yourself, rather than the reader

“Adriatic” a young female voice called. He sat bolt upright and looked around quickly. There was no one within two tables of him. He sighed to himself, and took another bite from the ten-ounce burger, then downed half a glass of pop in one long gulp. He looked out the window.

And the point of this paragraph is?? You clearly have someone calling his name.

The diner sat atop a junction between two of Tollyon Anchorage’s main armatures. Two roads of haphazard modular construction grew at right angles from each other and extended forty miles. Smaller columns branched off, containing drydocks, habitation modules, sentry turrets, and other modules necessary for the regional military capitol. Hundreds of spaceships ranging from tiny sub-orbital shuttles to the mile-and a half long flying bricks that were fleet carriers crossed the open starscape and half-planet view of Tollyon’s mottled blue-brown surface.

I do like this description - I really do. However, you are 500 words into this scene, and so far nothing has happened - there's no sense of character, conflict, tension - story. It's an old man who has, apparently, confirmed his retirement, nothing more. You need something more engaging than this - not least some sense of feeling and emotion from Adriatic. For example, how does he feel about being retired? Probably a whole conflict of emotions - he's leaving his familiar life behind for the unknown, and not many people relish that unless there's a clear carrot for doing so. And if there is, have him consider it.

“Squadron Commander Huxton, sir” a hardened but high male voice said. Huxton ignored it this time. He finished off his burger and started on the greasy fried potatoes. “Commander, sir?” A black gauntlet slapped the plastic table.

He looked up. A Space Trooper in menacing black body armor stood before him, his assault rifle slung over his shoulders. Instinctively Huxton’s free hand went to his sidearm, but he recognized his ashen-skinned face and nervous smile beneath his helmet. “Sergeant Thomaguchi Alenko” he said. “Sit down.”

You are really dragging this out meeting out - A sergeant he knows has approached the table and addressed him. That's all. It shouldn't require this many words.

Also, why on earth does Adriatic almost pull his sidearm?!

Alenko’s armor made an awkward scratching on the metal bench as he scooted in. At five foot six, his eyes were well below Huxton’s level. “Commander sir” he said nervously.

He's already said this - get to the point?

Also, if on shore leave, why is he still wearing his power armour?

Huxton muttered “so how’s your shore leave going Sergeant?”

Why does he ask this? Seriously - you don't yet have a story so need to build one. You need some character development here - he recognises the trooper so how does he feel about him? Does he care? It is frustrating that your character feels nothing, and has no reaction to anything. You need to read up about Point of View use, especially Third Person Limited, and additionally, something about character development and arcs.

“I just finished it. Vindication rolls out for Hallard’s Deep in twenty-four hours. You know the rest.”

“Colonel Nessella is going to take it there for a re-fitting and a new Commander. Did they promote anyone since I last checked?”

Alenko shook his head. “Not as far as I can tell. Everything’s going to be the same except with a different commander.” His voice dragged with disappointment.

That annoyed Huxton, he’d had one of the finest crews in the fleet under his command and they weren’t being rewarded. “I’m going to write some letters and make some phone calls before I catch my shuttle to the surface, if someone on the carrier isn’t promoted by departure, someone else is going to lose their job. Then you’ll be promoted.”

At last, Adriatic feels something. However, he's only just signed-off - was he unable to promote anyone? And why should he care so much about this issue - you haven't told us yet!

Alenko looked thrilled. “Yes sir, thank you sir.”

“No, thank you. For being the finest crew in the fleet.” He finished his fried, then downed the last of the soda. Briler fruit flavored, electric blue and very good.

“Thank you sir. It just not going to be the same without you in command, nobody can replace you.”

That meant something to Huxton, even if he didn’t show it externally. “Thanks.”

Are you looking forward to settling down?”

“Yes I am.”

“Got any family?”

“Yes I do. How’s yours? Eric should be what, six now?”

“His birthday’s in two weeks, I bought the gift last night.”

Huxton nodded at him. “Congratulations, happy birthday to the little guy.” He looked at Alenko. The Sergeant was tensed and on edge. “Are you on assignment or making a social visit?”

His rounded jaw worked for several seconds before words came out. “Yes, but I wanted to make a social visit first.”

^ Is there any point to all this chatter? Remember, I stopped you at 500 words to ask where the story is. And there still isn't one. This is merely a narration of everyday events, without any character, feeling, emotion, or - as yet - plot.

Huxton clapped once. “Alright, what’s the assignment?”

“You told the bridge that your radio was going to be off for the next eighteen hours. You’re needed back on the bridge, so I’m supposed to escort you back.”

Hang on - isn't Adriatic now retired? In which case, he isn't going to be commanded or escorted anywhere if he has now officially left the military. Or did I profoundly misunderstand something?

The gears in Huxton’s mind got to work immediately. “Well, clearly its not an emergency otherwise Colonel Nessella would’ve notified the security station twenty feet from this diner, which she knows I eat at for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It isn’t a minor nuisance otherwise they wouldn’t have detatched the Sergeant-at-arms from his duties. I’ll be on one more time in eighteen hours which leaves four for formal goodbyes, not long enough for any real celebration, so…its my surprise retirement party.”

Alenko slapped the table with his gauntlet, denting its surface. “It isn’t a surprise if you guess it, this is why everybody thinks your omnipotent.”

Huxton smirked at him. “I don’t like surprises. Now, we have a party to make don’t we?” He waved at the teenage boy acting as waiter. “Check please.”

You've taken around a 1000 words to tell us that a character has now retired, and is on his way to his retirement party?Why is this interesting? Don't tell me - that's the job of this section of text!



Overall, despite the comments above, there's nothing particularly wrong with how you use words. What you are completely missing are the structural issues that are the foundations of a story - POV use, character development, and use of conflict.

Because of that, there's no actual story here, which is a shame as there's lots of promise - when you do descriptions they work well, and there's a relaxed sense of pace that reminded me of a detective thriller. There's just nothing to fill the experience.

If you want to understand better where you're going wrong, read these books:

Wonderbook
The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes
Save the Cat
 
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Please don't be easily discouraged and by all means keep writing.

I rather liked the story and the pacing and flow. There might be a need to tighten, but some of those decisions should be made after studying the material offered and with a bit more knowledge under your that.

This piece has a sort of Omniscient POV feel to it and for the most part it feels objective. I think if it came in a bit more subjective to the Commander it could add some life, but if everyone did what I think then we'd miss out on a whole bunch of good objective writing.

One niggle I had was where he hears a woman's voice. This becomes dicey because it's not clear if he heard something in his head. If he did then we are getting close to a subjective and perhaps should just have him look around as if he'd heard something. Also I have this affliction that cause a grating in my brain every time we have those standalone paragraphs with completed descriptions and in this case you have one of the Commander followed by one of the setting; both work the way they are with the POV if I have guessed that correctly-but the second does tend to drag the reader by his ear away from everything to give him the nickle tour. My preference is to sneak those bits into the other narrative and if you were to get a bit closer to the Commander it could leak out through his POV but that would possibly bring you to Close Third POV.

Most of this works for me and your interruptions for description are short where I've seen Traditional Published work that has entire pages taking the reader on a whirlwind ride to some other place. Overall this has the feel that you've spent some time on it and I've seen some where it just feels like they did them while they were entering the lines into the forum page.

Keep writing; think about the POV; and I'd work on that punctuation because that really does distract.

Oh one more thing. Is he really eating greasy food with his gloves on?
 
I'm not going to repeat what's already been mentioned above, but for me it was the dialogue that had me wincing a bit. Came over as a bit wooden and forced which indicates to me that the characters perhaps aren't as fully fleshed out as they should be to be believable.

Feedback here can cut to the bone (believe me, I know!) but it's also invaluable! Don't be discouraged. You obviously have a story in here somewhere - you just need to keep at it and refine it.
 
Trying again

In Defense of Our Dreams


The crucial paperwork arrived four hours late. That it wasn’t later was a surprise for the United Systems Military’s logistics division had eroded sadly. Huxton printed it then got dinner at Warrior’s Hearth. Between bites of juicy hamburger he filled out his retirement forms. His age-scarred hands shook with emotion. Fear and worry ran through him at first. Soon that was muffled by excitement at his new life.

After ten minutes there was only one sheet. As he signed it memories flooded through the cracks…Running through burning corridors, a wounded man on his back…Standing atop fields of bodies, covered in their blood…On the bridge, ordering millions into death…and finally Wrimmer’s World bathed in his nuclear fire.

Huxton slapped his hands over his eyes with such force the pen went flying. He ducked into the table, body shivering and fighting to drive those memories away. They jammed, then cleared and flushed back to limbo. Huxton looked up slowly and avoided the stares. He went for the pen.

He signed his name. Done, officially retired and free. There was some guilt at leaving the country he’d helped found to rot but not enough to cancel this. Huxton slumped back in his booth with a sigh of relief and looked out the window. The diner sat atop a junction between two of Tollyon Anchorage’s main armatures. Two roads of haphazard modular construction grew at right angles from each other and extended forty miles. Smaller columns branched off, containing drydocks, habitation modules, sentry turrets, and other modules necessary for the regional military capitol. Hundreds of spaceships ranging from tiny sub-orbital shuttles to the mile-and a half long flying bricks that were fleet carriers crossed the open starscape and half-planet view of Tollyon’s mottled blue-brown surface.

“Commander” a young female voice called. He looked around and saw nobody near him. A tingle ran down his back. You again. He resumed eating.

“Commander” a heavily accented younger male voice said. Huxton ignored it. “Commander!” he felt a tap on his shoulder. That was real.

“Yes?” he looked up. A trooper in standard-issue menacing black body armor was standing over him. His ashen-skinned face was easily recognizable and welcome. “Tom Alenko, what a surprise. Aren’t you supposed to be reporting to the Argo for your ride home?” He extended his hand, which Alenko eagerly shook.

Alenko made an odd scraping as he scooted into the seat. The two men were opposing in build. Huxton; tall and athletic but worn with age his eyes cold and brown. Alenko; squat and thick with muscles his face still young and fresh. He laughed sheepishly. “I was on my way when some fat desk jockey from the ministry of intelligence pulled me off and gave me a job. Your radio is off for some reason so I’m here to escort you to Commander Gundarin’s office.”

The news was an unwelcome shock to Huxton. A hurried search came up with dozens of reasons for the surprise meeting. All of them would delay his retirement. “What does he want with me?”

“All they told me is that it’s a possible category five emergency, and Gundarin needs you now.” Huxton smacked the desk.

“I am done. Formally retired. Get someone else.”

Alenko took a slip of plastic from his vest and pushed it before Huxton. “From Gundarin to you.”

‘I’m only calling you because no one else can get the job done-FT Cmdr. Gundarin,’ he couldn’t refuse something like that. Huxton pocketed it. “Fine. Give me one minute.” He finished the burger and fries then replaced his black gloves. “Check please!” The teenage waiter was given an extra large tip. Finding a job that young was medal-worthy. The United System’s first generation was growing up to find very little waiting for them.

They emerged from the diner into a claustrophobic side tunnel lined with shops serving Tollyon’s twenty million transient. Alenko took the lead. “I’m retired, don’t escort me.”

The Sergeant laughed. “How about walking as friends?” Huxton ceased protesting. It was four miles to Gundarin’s office. Fortunately there were trams.

“So have you heard from your family?” Huxton asked.

Alenko nodded with excitement. “I got an FTL message last night. They’re doing fine, the loans are starting to catch up and Sam’s job is trying to cut her hours again.”

“I think Eric is turning six?”

“Good memory. He’s six in two weeks.”

Huxton felt a bit of pride for the man’s son. “Happy birthday to the little guy.” A left turn into a busier side tunnel.

“How’s your retirement looking? Aside from this that is.”

The muscles strained at the corners of Huxton’s mouth but he couldn’t get out a smile. “I got custody of Alyssa last night. I’m picking her up as soon as I make planetfall and we’re going to my new apartment.”

“That’s good.” They turned turned right into one of the main thoroughfares, this one linking administration with the drydocks. Instantly the swarming crowd buffeted Huxton. This was a cavern sixty feet wide and a hundred feet tall. The cracked metal ground was a river of thousands of pedestrians a minute while tramcars and secondary walkways hugged corrugated walls.

Huxton had lived in crowds. He could rush through without touching anyone. However as he walked the crowd parted on it’s own. The stares of civilians and soldiers burned him. One woman hoisted her daughter on her shoulders. Alenko noted, “looks like you’re still a legend.” Huxton shook his head. He got the meaning. “Nothing to see here people, move along!”

A rickety tram ride took them to the military zone’s front entrance, guarded by twelve troopers with full combat gear. “I swear they get more dangerous every time,” Alenko said.

Huxton affirmed “next time we walk.”

After giving their ID they were marched inside the barracks. It took an additional ten minutes to find Gundaron’s office. The door was open and the elderly man was inside on his computer. Huxton knocked. “Come in and shut the door Commander.”

Huxton was filled with trepidation but kept his face blank. “I’m here for this meeting.”

Gundarin stared at them with red eyes. “I have an assignment to you. The first eastern fleet went missing in the Tyrant’s Crescent region two weeks ago. Four hundred ships and one and a half million personnel vanished. MoI thinks this is a rebellion and there’s an outside force that’s controlling them.” Rebellion was getting old. Religion, planet, ideals, or power it didn’t matter. The fires just wouldn’t stop burning. “Tyrant’s Crescent is the most remote and impoverished region. We need a face the loyalists there can rally around. You’re going to take your old command Vindication and lead a task force to investigate.”

The retirement form flopped to the desk. “There’s plenty of good commanders to lead.”

Gundarin read them. Then with a flick he ripped the paper in half. “Cancelled.”

Huxton caught himself before he slit the desk jockey’s throat. “You see your grandchildren twice a month.”

“Your point? You’re taking Vindication and getting the job done.”

Huxton raised his voice for the first time in months. “I’ve done twenty-five years from the Siege of Grahm all the way to that incursion by the Freewol last month. I just won custody of my daughter. I am done!”

Gundarin laughed at him. “Just because you’re a hero doesn’t mean you can give orders. This is why I’m one of the high command and you’re not. I play the game and you think you can cut through it with your bloody knives like you do on the battlefield. I could slit his belly open just like that. Leave him in here and he wouldn’t be discovered long enough for me to grab her and run for the border. A tremor wracked his body. She wouldn’t let him live like that. Neither would Amy.

“Are you alright?”

“I’ll take the mission.”
 
I like what you have done with this. But there seemed a problem for me when you reached this paragraph.

He signed his name. Done, officially retired and free. There was some guilt at leaving the country he’d helped found to rot but not enough to cancel this. Huxton slumped back in his booth with a sigh of relief and looked out the window. The diner sat atop a junction between two of Tollyon Anchorage’s main armatures. Two roads of haphazard modular construction grew at right angles from each other and extended forty miles. Smaller columns branched off, containing drydocks, habitation modules, sentry turrets, and other modules necessary for the regional military capitol. Hundreds of spaceships ranging from tiny sub-orbital shuttles to the mile-and a half long flying bricks that were fleet carriers crossed the open starscape and half-planet view of Tollyon’s mottled blue-brown surface.

This is a lot of possible world building here, but it also seems possibly to be part of some of the things he is tired of; yet I'm uncertain. And having it all jammed together with him looking out the window is like having a camera smash through the window and pull the reader away from a fairly emotional moment. I think there is a way to pepper some of this into the previous three paragraphs while holding his emotional turmoil and giving the reader less of a jar into something that sounds like world-building though may be part of the struggle you are trying to portray within the character. If it's just gratuitous world building then that's a style issue. If this is in there as part of his turmoil then it might be better to pepper it into his thoughts as he fills out the forms. As world building I would remove the block paragraph and place it somewhere else because it interrupts the whole scene and diminishes the emotional impact of his struggle.
 
The crucial paperwork arrived four hours late. That it wasn’t later was a surprise(,) for (as?) the United Systems Military’s logistics division had eroded sadly. Huxton printed it then got dinner at Warrior’s Hearth. Between bites of juicy hamburger he filled out his retirement forms. His age-scarred hands shook with emotion. Fear and worry ran through him at first (but) Soon that was muffled by excitement at his new life.

After ten minutes there was only one sheet. As he signed it memories flooded through the cracks… (in his mind?) Running through burning corridors, a wounded man on his back… (s)tanding atop fields of bodies, covered in their blood…On the bridge, ordering millions into death…and finally Wrimmer’s World bathed in his nuclear fire.
Much better. But watch over for over-elipsization, I think you could do with commas here.
 
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