Opening to Soot 1.4k

[Phyrebrat]

Hello,

As it's half term, I really want to use this week to shift a lot of my writing - I've been struggling a bit lately (mostly to do with motivation rather than creativity).

Soot is getting my attention because it has the most filled out characters but I have been following the prologues thread in Gen Disc and it has got me thinking about the opening. (I don't have a prologue, or intend to, it just got me worrying about this opening.)

We've seen the oft-repeated 'where's the hook?', and 'set the stakes.' and 'the hero has to resist the calling' etc, and I'm concerned that I may have jumped the gun on the latter.

Questions

1) (In the next chapter) The main character doesn't resist the 'call', is that okay?
2) Is the choppy interruption in dialogue annoying?
3) the punctuation of 'dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom' seems awkward but I don't want to use 'crimson' or anything pretentious like 'sangria', 'cranberry' etc.
4) Do you understand what has happened with the underground worker?
5) Do you think the man on the gurney is the one from the underground?
6) Do I need to describe the lab in more detail? I figure people know what autopsy rooms look like from TV/Movies.
7) What sense of Henry's character do you get from his small interaction in this section?
8) For those who've read Tall Man, is this Sam consistent with her in that story?

I know at 1.4k it is long, I'm sorry, but if it helps, it's not walls of text

Many thanks

pH


Dr Samantha Branco sighed as her assistant Henry bumped backwards through the white saloon doors pulling a gurney trolley, its powder-blue sheet covering a lumpy form which distorted the stencilled words London Central Coroner’s District – Paddington that ran across it. At one end Henry grasped the low, brushed steel sidebars, admirably unconcerned - or inured - to the dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom that stained the cloth beneath him. At the other end, following at a distance hovered Mike Mewler from the Human Tissue Authority, looking as absurd in his ill-fitting blue coverall and shower cap as Henry looked unremarkable in his. Mewler wove left and right at the foot of the trolley in an attempt to overtake it whilst gesturing at Dr Branco, who was selecting various small instruments from a long stainless steel bench inside the autopsy room.

As the doors swung shut, Mewler was caught halfway between the corridor and the room, and he appeared to be struck immobile, sandwiched between them.

'Do they work?' Samantha shouted to Mewler, taking a clipboard from Henry and smiling a thank you at him.

'Dr Branco, I’m sorry?'

'The doors. Are you happy with them? Do they work Mr Mewler? Are they operating to your satisfaction or do they need to be regulated?'
Before the dazed Mike Mewler could register her sarcasm she carried on;

'It seems a little onerous on the Public Purse if HTA are sending overpaid regulators to check the doors to my lab.'

Mewler mumbled an uh of realisation from his thin lips and stepped into the lab, skirting the wall circuitously to make his way towards Samantha whilst avoiding the trolley. He wrinkled his nose against the pungent aroma of iodine and stood awkwardly. The doors swung shut quietly but for the wheeze of air that escaped as they met.

'I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with you, Dr Branco, I have been sent here with your consent to – '

'Yes, yes, Mr Mewler, my consent, my consent.' She paused from arranging the apparatus to look up and study the newcomer, fixing him with clear brown eyes that were set in a deceptively angelic face, ' Although, you appear to have failed already. Unavoidable, I suppose.'

'How have I failed?'

'Someone with two left feet can hardly help but get themselves off on the wrong one.'

Now it was Mewler’s turn to sigh.

'Dr Branco, I'm not–' but again she cut him off.

'The post mortem was carried out by an authorised coroner. Or perhaps my status has changed, Mr Mewler - Mike - can I call you Mike?'

'Yes, and yes you may be authorised but the location was not. But that’s not why I’m here, Dr Branco.'

'We have a choice, Mike: Follow the bureaucratic nonsense and get a nice pat on the back, or help save lives. It’s as simple as that. I chose to make the examination there and then so that someone else could live. The fact that the recipient later died is hardly my fault. Whatever happened to the kidneys afterwards is not my responsibility. Maybe you should be speaking to the General Medical Council.'

'We have identified the problem, Dr – Samantha - may I call you Samantha?'

'No. Carry on.'

'Uhh…Well, doctor, as I said, we have identified the problem and no action will be taken against you – '

‘“Action”?’

'Dr Branco, please! Let me speak. Quite why you performed the autopsy in the tube station, and indeed why you were there –'

'Call it serendipity.'

' – at all is a matter that I can’t fathom. However, having interviewed Metronet we’ve deduced that the workman’s infection was not a result of your procedure and we won’t be taking this further.'

His unsettled manner made her smile. She knew he found her intolerable. At five foot two, she made up for that with an aggressive manner and a snappy way of delivering her words that made him react as if she towered above him. She stifled an inappropriate chuckle, It’s as if he’s talking to a headmistress.

'That’s wonderful, Mike.' said Samantha, dismissing him. Then, gesturing to the covered body that Henry had brought in moments earlier she continued; 'Lovely as this chat is, you can see I have a guest and the longer we talk, the colder the meat gets, and I hate to serve cold meat.'

Henry who had been observing this exchange from behind the safety of a large acrylic screen that separated the large computers from the lab chuckled in a low register and turned his back to the pair of them so that the unwelcome guest could not see his amusement.
Sam sidled around the trolley looking for an absent tool and moved behind the acrylic divider towards Henry to search for it when it could not be located in the main lab area.

'You have confounded Mr Mewler, Dr Sam. He does not like your manner.'

'Yes, I know, Henry. I’m doing it on purpose. He’s an officious c**k,' She whispered, 'and nasty, too; the kind of person who’ll spit in your mouth while you sleep.'

Henry chuckled again; 'You must not call him a penis, Dr Sam. But I do agree that he is officious. And I am worried that you will earn yourself only trouble.'

'Henry, it’s fine. And I called him a c**k, not a penis. I can finish up here by myself. Why don’t you go on home and let me get rid of these two corpses.' Samantha gestured towards the cadaver and Mewler.

'That would be much appreciated, Dr Sam. Ayodele has decided he will cook for us tonight and I am worried what kind of a state he will get himself into if I am not there to assist.'

Samantha laughed and rubbed Henry’s shoulder; 'Me and Ayodele would be lost without you, Henry.'

She looked back at Mewler who was now craning over the steel workbench in an attempt to get Sam’s attention from behind the acrylic divider. She pretended not to see him and carried on; 'Before you go, what do we have here, Henry?'

'Male, Semitic Middle Eastern, thirty two years on God’s Earth. No visible trauma other than epistaxis.'

'Nosebleed? What did he do, fall out of a plane nose first?'

'Well, Dr Sam. You are the examiner, not I. But by God’s grace, I look forward to seeing your verdict when I type up your report.'

She rubbed Henry’s shoulder again and mouthed a silent goodbye as she came back around the partition towards Mewler; 'So, I’m no longer the subject of an HTA investigation?'

Mewler had gathered confidence; 'We interviewed Mr Raymond’s colleagues. There were three other workmen from Metronet working at the site. The so-called Stroud Green tube station would have been one of the deepest Underground stations in London - had it ever opened - but, the immense access shafts mean it’s an ideal place for workers to get in so they can carry out maintenance work between Finsbury Park and Crouch End.’

‘Still waiting to see how this affects me, Mike.’ Sam said and winked at him.

‘Mr Raymond and his workmates had been working on drainage problems in the tunnel between the tube and Hornsey overground for three weeks. A fortnight before Mr Raymond died, his team had disturbed some rats, one of which ran up his leg and urinated on him. Two weeks later he had the heart attack - no relation to the rat, of course…'

Mewler took a brief pause, the silence interrupted only by the gasping of the doors closing as Henry left.

'We now suspect that – '

'Leptospirosis.' Samantha interrupted and Mewler nodded agreement at her interruption.

'Exactly.'

'Bad timing,' she continued, 'both in terms of his death and a delay in him showering off the rat piss.'

'Yes, it would appear so. The kidney disease he developed would have killed him around the same time, had the coincident heart attack not taken him first.'

'And along I come, identify cause of death as cardiac arrest, then the donor recipient of his organs dies of kidney failure.'

'Correct again. So, as you can appreciate, I am not here to investigate you. In fact the donor team are being investigated; their rigorous testing should have indicated a bacterial infection before it even got to the recipient.'

'So what do you want with me?' Sam asked.

'A favour.'

 

[barrett1987]

Dr Samantha Branco sighed as her assistant Henry bumped backwards through the white saloon doors pulling a gurney trolley, its powder-blue sheet covering a lumpy form which distorted the stencilled words London Central Coroner’s District – Paddington that ran across it. This is a huge opening sentence. At one end Henry grasped the low, brushed steel sidebars, admirably unconcerned - or inured - to the dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom that stained the cloth beneath him. At the other end, following at a distance hovered Mike Mewler from the Human Tissue Authority, looking as absurd in his ill-fitting blue coverall and shower cap as Henry looked unremarkable in his. Mewler wove left and right at the foot of the trolley in an attempt to overtake it whilst gesturing at Dr Branco, who was selecting various small instruments from a long stainless steel bench inside the autopsy room. This opening felt like a bit of a slog for me.

As the doors swung shut,The doors swung shut.. Mewler was caught halfway between the corridor and the room, and he appeared to be struck immobile, sandwiched between them. Sandwiched between the corridor and the room, he was struck immobile

'Do they work?' Samantha shouted to Mewler, taking a clipboard from Henry and smiling a thank you at him.

'Dr Branco, I’m sorry?' This bit felt fake, would he say this? Wouldn't a real human just say, Sorry? if they didn't understand rather than the name?

'The doors. Are you happy with them? Do they work Mr Mewler? Are they operating to your satisfaction or do they need to be regulated?'
Before the dazed Mike Mewler could register her sarcasm she carried on;
I'd pull this below line of dialogue with the top part rather than have a space here. Just a personal choice.
'It seems a little onerous on the Public Purse if HTA are sending overpaid regulators to check the doors to my lab.'

Mewler mumbled an uh of realisation from his thin lips and stepped into the lab, skirting the wall circuitously to make his way towards Samantha whilst avoiding the trolley. He wrinkled his nose against the pungent aroma of iodine and stood awkwardly. The doors swung shut quietly but for the wheeze of air that escaped as they met.
Style choice but i'd rewrite a few of these lines. 'A wheeze of air escaped as the doors swung shut"
'I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with you, Dr Branco, I have been sent here with your consent to – '

'Yes, yes, Mr Mewler, my consent, my consent.' She paused from arranging the apparatus to look up and study the newcomer, fixing him with clear brown eyes that were set in a deceptively angelic face, ' Although, you appear to have failed already. Unavoidable, I suppose.'

'How have I failed?'

'Someone with two left feet can hardly help but get themselves off on the wrong one.'

Now it was Mewler’s turn to sigh.

'Dr Branco, I'm not–' but again she cut him off.

'The post mortem was carried out by an authorised coroner. Or perhaps my status has changed, Mr Mewler - Mike - can I call you Mike?'

'Yes, and yes you may be authorised but the location was not. But that’s not why I’m here, Dr Branco.'

'We have a choice, Mike: Follow the bureaucratic nonsense and get a nice pat on the back, or help save lives. It’s as simple as that. I chose to make the examination there and then so that someone else could live. The fact that the recipient later died is hardly my fault. Whatever happened to the kidneys afterwards is not my responsibility. Maybe you should be speaking to the General Medical Council.'

'We have identified the problem, Dr – Samantha - may I call you Samantha?'

'No. Carry on.'

'Uhh…Well, doctor, as I said, we have identified the problem and no action will be taken against you – '

‘“Action”?’

'Dr Branco, please! Let me speak. Quite why you performed the autopsy in the tube station, and indeed why you were there –'

'Call it serendipity.'

' – at all is a matter that I can’t fathom. However, having interviewed Metronet we’ve deduced that the workman’s infection was not a result of your procedure and we won’t be taking this further.'

I stopped here. (have to go out) Our styles are very different. I would look at the length of your sentences though. Also, you have a much better understanding of Samantha. She seems a lot more natural in voice than Mike. Your dialogue from Mike doesn't flow at all, especially as you show alot of skill with the sarcastic Samantha.
Now am i right in thinking this is a books opening? It failed to grab me. Don't worry though, i read mainly fantasy and a complete action junkie so i doubt im you're target audience. Are you going for a da vinci code feel? Modern urban setting, racing against time, solving mystery type thing? Again - please don't be disheartened with my words, i am most likely wrong in what im saying but thought i would try. ( Deffo look at your dialogue as mike though!) Ending on a positive note. That opening section has potiential. Maybe start with Mike and his stupid little dance trying to get past the trolley. It was quite funny.

 

[alchemist]

Hi Phyrebrat. I'll start with the questions...

1) (In the next chapter) The main character doesn't resist the 'call', is that okay? perfectly fine by me. Is that meant to be a problem?
2) Is the choppy interruption in dialogue annoying? it makes things harder to understand
3) the punctuation of 'dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom' seems awkward but I don't want to use 'crimson' or anything pretentious like 'sangria', 'cranberry' etc. I'd drop the comma between dark and red. The length of the sentences in the opening chapter was more of an issue for me there
4) Do you understand what has happened with the underground worker? Not entirely. He dies (of leptospirosis) and she does an autopsy on the spot so as to preserve his organs. It seems foolhardy on her part. Also, the death cert wouldn't just say cardiac arrest. She has to ask herself -- and certify -- why he suffered a cardiac arrest; myocardial infarction (heart attack) being the most likely cause. This is pretty far removed from normal practice. Anyway, it'd take the organ transplant team a while to get to the body, by which time he'd have been dead for a while.

But I may have misinterpreted this completely
5) Do you think the man on the gurney is the one from the underground? No
6) Do I need to describe the lab in more detail? I figure people know what autopsy rooms look like from TV/Movies. It's fine
7) What sense of Henry's character do you get from his small interaction in this section? He's not normal. Either not human, or from another time. He's old-fashioned and not very flexible in his thinking. He may be an alien or from the Victorian era
8) For those who've read Tall Man, is this Sam consistent with her in that story? N/A

Overall, I did have problems keeping up and had to re-read a couple of times. Samantha seems an interesting character, if maybe not too likeable. I would read on though

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi,

I love the way you write. Love the style. Love long sentences. This one could probably us a bit of clean up in the structure and re-punctuate, but I alway love someone who can carry the thought across the vast sentence to get to the end an still keep the reader on the original thought that started at the top while keeping it polished.

You mention Tall Man is that something of yours or some fan fiction or what.
Excuse my ignorance I'm sheltered and there are six foot snow piles outside so I don't get out much except to move the snow from one place to the other and I don't watch that much television.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Questions

1) (In the next chapter) The main character doesn't resist the 'call', is that okay?
2) Is the choppy interruption in dialogue annoying?
3) the punctuation of 'dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom' seems awkward but I don't want to use 'crimson' or anything pretentious like 'sangria', 'cranberry' etc.
4) Do you understand what has happened with the underground worker?
5) Do you think the man on the gurney is the one from the underground?
6) Do I need to describe the lab in more detail? I figure people know what autopsy rooms look like from TV/Movies.
7) What sense of Henry's character do you get from his small interaction in this section?
8) For those who've read Tall Man, is this Sam consistent with her in that story?

Reading the excerpt, the main things that strike out for me are bigger than these questions:

1. Your opening takes care to describe a lot, but aren't these familiar details to the characters, provided only for the benefit of the reader?

2. Character experience seems barely existent, if at all. There's very little of relating the events and surroundings through the POV character.

3. Dialogue - almost everything is dialogue. And it seems very chatty. To myself, there's a lack of focus and urgency with all this dialogue.

4. Tension - I didn't pick up any major sense of tension or conflict from this. All I picked up on a first read was something about the doors being potentially incorrect. Also, issues with location impinging on the legality of the autopsy, but that seemed passed over quickly.

5. Purpose - what is the purpose of this scene? IF it's simply to introduce a couple of characters and a dead body, wouldn't it be possible to do this more quickly and succintly?

I apologise if this seems like I'm pushing too hard - certainly not every story opening succeeds with these things. It's just that you ask for critical feedback on microscopic details, whereas you may or may not want to step back and look at macroscopic issues to make this section stronger.

Simply personal opinion and feedback.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Dr Samantha Branco sighed as her assistant Henry bumped backwards through the white saloon doorsneed a comma or technically the door could be pulling the trolley pulling a gurney trolley, its powder-blue sheet covering a lumpy form which distorted the stencilled words London Central Coroner’s District – Paddington that ran across itI think you could drop the last four words at least, and possibly try to break up the sentence. I don't mind long ones, but this one contained a lot of info, too. . At one end Henry grasped the low, brushed-? steel sidebars, admirably unconcerned - or inured - to the dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom that stained the cloth beneath him. At the other end, following at a distancecomma hovered Mike Mewler from the Human Tissue Authority, looking as absurd in his ill-fitting blue coverall and shower cap as Henry looked unremarkable in his. Mewler wove left and right at the foot of the trolley in an attempt to overtake it whilst gesturing at Dr Branco, who was selecting various small instruments from a long stainless steel bench inside the autopsy room.

As the doors swung shut, Mewler was caught halfway between the corridor and the room, and he appeared to be struck immobile, sandwiched between them.

'Do they work?' Samantha shouted to Mewler, taking a clipboard from Henry and smiling a thank you at him.

'Dr Branco, I’m sorry?'

'The doors. Are you happy with them? Do they work Mr Mewler? Are they operating to your satisfaction or do they need to be regulated?'
Before the dazed Mike Mewler could register her sarcasm she carried on;

'It seems a little onerous on the Public Purse if HTA are sending overpaid regulators to check the doors to my lab.'

Mewler mumbled an uh of realisation from his thin lips and stepped into the lab, skirting the wall circuitously to make his way towards Samantha whilst avoiding the trolleyagain, I'm not sure the last bit is needed - trust your readers to make the jump? If he's sticking to the wall I know he's avoiding the trolley. He wrinkled his nose against the pungent aroma of iodine and stood awkwardly. The doors swung shut quietly but for the wheeze of air that escaped as they met.

'I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with you, Dr Branco, I have been sent here with your consent to – '

'Yes, yes, Mr Mewler, my consent, my consent.' She paused from arranging the apparatus to look up and study the newcomer, fixing him with clear brown eyes that were set in a deceptively angelic face, ' Although, you appear to have failed already. Unavoidable, I suppose.'

'How have I failed?'

'Someone with two left feet can hardly help but get themselves off on the wrong one.'

Now it was Mewler’s turn to sigh.

'Dr Branco, I'm not–' I'd take a new paragraph and drop the butbut again she cut him off.

'The post mortem was carried out by an authorised coroner. Or perhaps my status has changed, Mr Mewler - Mike - can I call you Mike?'

'Yes, and yes you may be authorised but the location was not. But that’s not why I’m here, Dr Branco.'

'We have a choice, Mike: Followfollow the bureaucratic nonsense and get a nice pat on the back, or help save lives. It’s as simple as that. I chose to make the examination there and then so that someone else could live. The fact that the recipient later died is hardly my fault. Whatever happened to the kidneys afterwards is not my responsibility. Maybe you should be speaking to the General Medical Council.'

'We have identified the problem, Dr – Samantha - may I call you Samantha?'

'No. Carry on.' I rather like her

'Uhh…Well, doctor, as I said, we have identified the problem and no action will be taken against you – '

‘“Action”?’

'Dr Branco, please! Let me speak. Quite why you performed the autopsy in the tube station, and indeed why you were there –'

'Call it serendipity.'

' – at all is a matter that I can’t fathom. However, having interviewed Metronet we’ve deduced that the workman’s infection was not a result of your procedure and we won’t be taking this further.'

His unsettled manner made her smile. She knew he found her intolerable. At five foot two, she made up for that with an aggressive manner and a snappy way of delivering her words that made him react as if she towered above him. She stifled an inappropriate chuckle, It’s as if he’s talking to a headmistress.

'That’s wonderful, Mike.' said Samantha, dismissing him. Then, gesturing to the covered body that Henry had brought in moments earlier she continued; 'Lovely as this chat is, you can see I have a guest and the longer we talk, the colder the meat gets, and I hate to serve cold meat.'

Henry who had been observing this exchange from behind the safety of a large acrylic screen that separated the large computers from the lab chuckled in a low register and turned his back to the pair of them so that the unwelcome guest could not see his amusement.Again, this one could benefit from being broken, I think.
Sam sidled around the trolley looking for an absent tool and moved behind the acrylic divider towards Henry to search for it when it could not be located in the main lab area.

'You have confounded Mr Mewler, Dr Sam. He does not like your manner.'

'Yes, I know, Henry. I’m doing it on purpose. He’s an officious c**k,' She whispered, 'and nasty, too; the kind of person who’ll spit in your mouth while you sleep.'

Henry chuckled again; 'You must not call him a penis, Dr Sam. But I do agree that he is officious. And I am worried that you will earn yourself only trouble.'

'Henry, it’s fine. And I called him a c**k, not a penis. I can finish up here by myself. Why don’t you go on home and let me get rid of these two corpses.' Samantha gestured towards the cadaver and Mewler.

'That would be much appreciated, Dr Sam. Ayodele has decided he will cook for us tonight and I am worried what kind of a state he will get himself into if I am not there to assist.'

Samantha laughed and rubbed Henry’s shoulder; 'Me and Ayodele would be lost without you, Henry.'

She looked back at Mewler who was now craning over the steel workbench in an attempt to get Sam’s attention from behind the acrylic divider. She pretended not to see him and carried on; 'Before you go, what do we have here, Henry?'

'Male, Semitic Middle Eastern, thirty two years on God’s Earth. No visible trauma other than epistaxis.'

'Nosebleed? What did he do, fall out of a plane nose first?'

'Well, Dr Sam. You are the examiner, not I. But by God’s grace, I look forward to seeing your verdict when I type up your report.'

She rubbed Henry’s shoulder again and mouthed a silent goodbye as she came back around the partition towards Mewler; 'So, I’m no longer the subject of an HTA investigation?'

Mewler had gathered confidence;I'd stick with a full stop 'We interviewed Mr Raymond’s colleagues. There were three other workmen from Metronet working at the site. The so-called Stroud Green tube station would have been one of the deepest Underground stations in London - had it ever opened - but, the immense access shafts mean it’s an ideal place for workers to get in so they can carry out maintenance work between Finsbury Park and Crouch End.’

‘Still waiting to see how this affects me, Mike.,’ Sam said and winked at him.

‘Mr Raymond and his workmates had been working on drainage problems in the tunnel between the tube and Hornsey overground for three weeks. A fortnight before Mr Raymond died, his team had disturbed some rats, one of which ran up his leg and urinated on him. Two weeks later he had the heart attack - no relation to the rat, of course…'

Mewler took a brief pause, the silence interrupted only by the gasping of the doors closing as Henry left.

'We now suspect that – '

'Leptospirosis.' Samantha interrupted and Mewler nodded agreement at her interruption.

'Exactly.'

'Bad timing,' she continued, 'both in terms of his death and a delay in him showering off the rat piss.'

'Yes, it would appear so. The kidney disease he developed would have killed him around the same time, had the coincident heart attack not taken him first.'

'And along I come, identify cause of death as cardiac arrest, then the donor recipient of his organs dies of kidney failure.'

'Correct again. So, as you can appreciate, I am not here to investigate you. In fact the donor team are being investigated; their rigorous testing should have indicated a bacterial infection before it even got to the recipient.'

'So what do you want with me?' Sam asked.

'A favour.'[/QUOTE]

Questions

1) (In the next chapter) The main character doesn't resist the 'call', is that okay?yes
2) Is the choppy interruption in dialogue annoying?didn't bother me
3) the punctuation of 'dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom' seems awkward but I don't want to use 'crimson' or anything pretentious like 'sangria', 'cranberry' etc.i found it awkward, and also lacking a little in terms of originality -- is there a metaphor you could come up with? A placenta? (joking.... )
4) Do you understand what has happened with the underground worker?not entirely.
5) Do you think the man on the gurney is the one from the underground?not sure. I wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't.
6) Do I need to describe the lab in more detail? I figure people know what autopsy rooms look like from TV/Movies. no.
7) What sense of Henry's character do you get from his small interaction in this section?I quite like him.
8) For those who've read Tall Man, is this Sam consistent with her in that story?n/a

 

[Phyrebrat]

This is the first time I've been able to get on to Chrons. I even tweeted about the site being down but it seems it was just me. After a complaint call to Virginbleedya it has been miraculously rectified.

So I just wanted to say thanks for the feedback which is very helpful and I will redraft and post an excerpt of the beginning.

But just to address a couple of points:

1) iBrian, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by character experience. Would you be able to explain (in baby terms), please? I do need to make it clearer that Sam herself is being evasive as to why she was down in the derelict tube station (she doesn't actually know herself, yet. That comes later in small bits and pieces as she remembers).

The purpose of the scene is to introduce a) The tube element, b) someone has died of a nosebleed (which all susbequent deaths also display) and c) that Mike Mewler is going to put Sam up to something. And please don't feel bad for your feedback - all feedback is great, and very much appreciated.


2) tinkerdan - thanks for such a nice compliment. Tall Man is a short story I wrote for Mouse as part of the first Sekrit Santa challenge in the workshop sub forum. So no, you're not expected to know that - altho it can be downloaded from that thread I think (It was called Try it on and See).

3) barrett1987, thanks for the take on the long sentences. I do tend to get carried away, don't I? Now you've pointed out the problems you had, I can already see places and ways to tidy up the long sentences. I write horror (but not gore or grindhouse stuff; more spirits, dark supernatural forces etc).

4) Springs & Alc, thanks both. Will implement your suggestions and Alc I hope you don't mind if I ask you further details on the examination (this all came from a conversation I had with my sis years ago. She is a Recorder for the GMC but I need to get my facts more plausible as you indicate. It's hard, because I don't want to reveal to the reader that she is down there by impulse). I'm on my ipad at the mo so will ask more when I get home, if that's okay. Springs - placenta !!!! You are so wrong but I do love the image. Makes me want to give Sam birthing issues just so I can use it.

To my mind, it's important with horror to create a creeping sense of unease and oddness, so I'm not going to go blasting in with some massive chill as with most modern movies/TV shows. I would say horror is a very different beast beyond the basic requirements of of novel openings.

Thanks again all - really appreciate the time you took. Apologies for the late thanks but This is the first day I've been able to access the site for a couple days!

pH

 

[Mouse]

Dr Samantha Branco sighed as her assistant Henry bumped backwards through the white saloon doors pulling a gurney trolley, its powder-blue sheet covering a lumpy form which distorted the stencilled words London Central Coroner’s District – Paddington that ran across it. Mighty sentence. Plus the gurney trolley's in the wrong place, it should come after Henry At one end, Henry grasped the low, brushed steel sidebars, admirably unconcerned - or inured - to the dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom that stained the cloth beneath him. At the other end, following at a distance hovered Mike Mewler from the Human Tissue Authority, looking as absurd in his ill-fitting blue coverall and shower cap as Henry looked unremarkable in his. Mewler wove left and right at the foot of the trolley in an attempt to overtake it whilst gesturing at Dr Branco, who was selecting various small instruments from a long stainless steel bench inside the autopsy room.

As the doors swung shut, Mewler was caught halfway between the corridor and the room, and he appeared to be struck immobile, sandwiched between them.

'Do they work?' Samantha shouted to Mewler, taking a clipboard from Henry and smiling a thank you at him.

'Dr Branco, I’m sorry?'

'The doors. Are you happy with them? Do they work, Mr Mewler? Are they operating to your satisfaction or do they need to be regulated?'
Before the dazed Mike Mewler could register her sarcasm she carried on;

'It seems a little onerous on the Public Purse if HTA are sending overpaid regulators to check the doors to my lab.'

Mewler mumbled an uh of realisation from his thin lips and stepped into the lab, skirting the wall circuitously does 'skirting' make 'circuitously' superfluous? to make his way towards Samantha whilst avoiding the trolley. He wrinkled his nose against the pungent aroma of iodine and stood awkwardly. The doors swung shut quietly but for the wheeze of air that escaped as they met.

'I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with you, Dr Branco, I have been sent here with your consent to – '

'Yes, yes, Mr Mewler, my consent, my consent.' She paused from arranging the apparatus to look up and study the newcomer, fixing him with clear brown eyes that were set in a deceptively angelic face, 'Although, you appear to have failed already. Unavoidable, I suppose.'

'How have I failed?'

'Someone with two left feet can hardly help but get themselves off on the wrong one.'

Now it was Mewler’s turn to sigh.

'Dr Branco, I'm not–' but again she cut him off. <- delete

'The post mortem was carried out by an authorised coroner. Or perhaps my status has changed, Mr Mewler - Mike - can I call you Mike?'

'Yes, and yes you may be authorised but the location was not. But that’s not why I’m here, Dr Branco.'

'We have a choice, Mike: Follow the bureaucratic nonsense and get a nice pat on the back, or help save lives. It’s as simple as that. I chose to make the examination there and then so that someone else could live. The fact that (delete) the recipient later died is hardly my fault. Whatever happened to the kidneys afterwards is not my responsibility. Maybe you should be speaking to the General Medical Council.'

'We have identified the problem, Dr – Samantha - may I call you Samantha?'

'No. Carry on.'

'Uhh… Well, doctor, as I said, we have identified the problem and no action will be taken against you – '

‘“Action”?’

'Dr Branco, please! Let me speak. Quite why you performed the autopsy in the tube station, and indeed why you were there –'

'Call it serendipity.'

' – at all is a matter that (delete) I can’t fathom. However, having interviewed Metronet we’ve deduced that the workman’s infection was not a result of your procedure and we won’t be taking this further.'

His unsettled manner made her smile. She knew he found her intolerable. At five foot two, she made up for that with an aggressive manner and a snappy way of delivering her words that made him react as if she towered above him. She stifled an inappropriate chuckle, It’s as if he’s talking to a headmistress.

'That’s wonderful, Mike,' said Samantha, dismissing him. (I wouldn't stick her name in there) Then, gesturing to the covered body that (delete) Henry had brought in moments earlier she continued; 'Lovely as this chat is, you can see I have a guest and the longer we talk, the colder the meat gets, and I hate to serve cold meat.'

Henry, who had been observing this exchange from behind the safety of a large acrylic screen that separated the large computers from the lab, chuckled in a low register and turned his back to the pair of them so that (delete) the unwelcome guest could not see his amusement.
Sam sidled around the trolley looking for an absent tool and moved behind the acrylic divider towards Henry to search for it when it could not be located in the main lab area. (wordy)

'You have confounded Mr Mewler, Dr Sam. He does not like your manner.'

'Yes, I know, Henry. I’m doing it on purpose. He’s an officious c**k,' she whispered, 'and nasty, too; the kind of person who’ll spit in your mouth while you sleep.'

Henry chuckled again; 'You must not call him a penis, Dr Sam. But I do agree that he is officious. And I am worried that you will earn yourself only trouble.' (watch your 'thats' cos they make stuff a bit stilted)

'Henry, it’s fine. And I called him a c**k, not a penis. I can finish up here by myself. Why don’t you go on home and let me get rid of these two corpses?' Samantha gestured towards the cadaver and Mewler.

'That would be much appreciated, Dr Sam. Ayodele has decided he will cook for us tonight and I am worried what kind of a state he will get himself into if I am not there to assist.'

Samantha laughed and rubbed Henry’s shoulder; 'Me and Ayodele would be lost without you, Henry.'

She looked back at Mewler who was now craning over the steel workbench in an attempt to get Sam’s attention from behind the acrylic divider. She pretended not to see him and carried on; 'Before you go, what do we have here, Henry?'

'Male, Semitic Middle Eastern, thirty two years on God’s Earth. No visible trauma other than epistaxis.'

'Nosebleed? What did he do, fall out of a plane nose first?'

'Well, Dr Sam. You are the examiner, not I. But by God’s grace, I look forward to seeing your verdict when I type up your report.'

She rubbed Henry’s shoulder again (I don't really get why she's rubbing him. And yes, I just typed that with a straight face. ) and mouthed a silent goodbye as she came back around the partition towards Mewler; 'So, I’m no longer the subject of an HTA investigation?'

Mewler had gathered confidence; (I don't understand semi-colons and I don't like 'em) 'We interviewed Mr Raymond’s colleagues. There were three other workmen from Metronet working at the site. The so-called Stroud Green tube station would have been one of the deepest Underground stations in London - had it ever opened - but, the immense access shafts mean it’s an ideal place for workers to get in so they can carry out maintenance work between Finsbury Park and Crouch End.’

‘Still waiting to see how this affects me, Mike,’ Sam said and winked at him.

‘Mr Raymond and his workmates had been working on drainage problems in the tunnel between the tube and Hornsey overground for three weeks. A fortnight before Mr Raymond died, his team had disturbed some rats, one of which ran up his leg and urinated on him. Two weeks later he had the heart attack - no relation to the rat, of course…'

Mewler took a brief pause, the silence interrupted only by the gasping of the doors closing as Henry left.

'We now suspect that – '

'Leptospirosis.' Samantha interrupted and Mewler nodded agreement at her interruption. (I'd delete all this. If you want to keep it, comma not full stop)

'Exactly.'

'Bad timing,' she continued, 'both in terms of his death and a delay in him showering off the rat piss.'

'Yes, it would appear so. The kidney disease he developed would have killed him around the same time, had the coincident heart attack not taken him first.'

'And along I come, identify cause of death as cardiac arrest, then the donor recipient of his organs dies of kidney failure.'

'Correct again. So, as you can appreciate, I am not here to investigate you. In fact, the donor team are being investigated; their rigorous testing should have indicated a bacterial infection before it even got to the recipient.'

'So what do you want with me?' Sam asked.

'A favour.'

1) (In the next chapter) The main character doesn't resist the 'call', is that okay? what call?
2) Is the choppy interruption in dialogue annoying? no
3) the punctuation of 'dinner plate-sized, dark, red bloom' seems awkward but I don't want to use 'crimson' or anything pretentious like 'sangria', 'cranberry' etc. This isn't a question
4) Do you understand what has happened with the underground worker? no
5) Do you think the man on the gurney is the one from the underground? Hadn't considered it
6) Do I need to describe the lab in more detail? I figure people know what autopsy rooms look like from TV/Movies. nah, I like the door noises
7) What sense of Henry's character do you get from his small interaction in this section? weary, a bit posh
8) For those who've read Tall Man, is this Sam consistent with her in that story? I don't actually remember. Please don't hate me.

 

[Brian G Turner]

1) iBrian, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by character experience. Would you be able to explain (in baby terms), please? I do need to make it clearer that Sam herself is being evasive as to why she was down in the derelict tube station (she doesn't actually know herself, yet. That comes later in small bits and pieces as she remembers).

What I mean is I don't think we really see anything of how Samantha is thinking or feeling inside.

So far as I can tell, this is the nearest we get:

"His unsettled manner made her smile. She knew he found her intolerable."

Aside from that, how does she feel? If Mike finds her intolerable then how does that make her feel working with him? Does she enjoy the idea of coming conflict, or dread it? Does it make her gut twist or her fists clench or make her grit her teeth? More importantly: what does she want, and what does she need?

These are not things that would normally be put into dialogue. A POV character is supposed to allow us to see something of the internal workings of a character.

You don't have to do this - there are successful authors who do not - I simply raise the point in case you find it helpful.

 

[alchemist]

Feel free to PM anytime, Phyrebrat

(That's private message, not post-mortem )

 

[tinkerdan]

I was just looking in my dictionary and found the curious item about that.
There are a number of almost applicable definitions of the word skirting.
In this case without the circuitously it might mean that hes avoiding the wall.
At least with the supporting image of circuitously it helps give the impression of the doctor closer to hugging the wall to maybe avoid the corpse. So redundancy might help avoid strange pictures in peoples minds.

Mewler mumbled an uh of realisation from his thin lips and stepped into the lab, skirting the wall circuitously does 'skirting' make 'circuitously' superfluous? to make his way towards Samantha whilst avoiding the trolley. He wrinkled his nose against the pungent aroma of iodine and stood awkwardly. The doors swung shut quietly but for the wheeze of air that escaped as they met.

Unless he is avoiding the wall.

 

[Mouse]

In my opinion skirting and circuitously said the same thing twice. So I pointed it out.