[479 words] (Fantasy) Godsfall: ritual scene

[D-E-M-Emrys]

Hi all,

Been attacking my WiP and moved the storyline around. Hoping for general feedback

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Tears of blood streaked the priest’s face. Sinking to his knees, hands cupped in prayer, the old man threw back his head, mouth opening and closing wordlessly. The smoke from the incense lanterns played over his face, disappearing into his nostrils. His eyes rolled back into his skull, reflecting the light from the gold-veined crystal over the dais.

Osar started forward, attention fixed on the bloodied tears running down Quilon’s face. A vice like grip wrenched at his wrist, fingers as thick as iron bars.

“If you interrupt the ritual, Quilon could die.” Archsaji Ponti hissed, hauling him back in line with the other meji and their saji. “The city depends on this.”

With a growing cold in the pit of his stomach, Osar forced himself to stand back and watch. He gritted his teeth against the beads of icy sweat tracing his spine. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on-end as if sensing the hover of a knife between his shoulders.

On the far side of the dais the Goldlord stepped in front of King Midysius, the Paladins closing ranks to either side, shields locked.

“Is this…normal?” The Goldlord’s tone was unreadable behind the full-faced phoenix helm.

The silence that followed was answer enough; all sound dying from the temple outside the Vault. A freak wind stirred, snatching at Osar’s vestments. Shrieking, the canaries took to wing from their perches atop the five golden pillars around the dais. In their hundreds they blocked the light from the oculus at the dome’s apex. Before the Vault plunged into darkness, the crystal’s glow ebbed, warding against the swarming shadows.

Osar’s ears popped, the pressure dropping in the Vault, the reek of ozone in the air. He ground his teeth harder, tasting blood in his mouth.

“I see...”

The voice boomed from the Quilon’s throat, but his lips never moved. Red streaked his wrinkled face and wispy five-pointed beard, staining his yellowed vestments. Osar followed his gaze, looking up to the crystal hung by chains between the pillars. Overhead, the canaries’ cries fell silent. Wings frozen, somehow suspended in the air, all of them faced the same direction – north.

“What do you see?” Ponti stepped onto the dais, his powerful frame somehow lessened in the presence of the lurking shadows.

“Tell us!” King Midysius swept past the Goldlord before the Paladins could react. “Taasur – does it stand? Does the city stand?”

“I see…” Quilon’s arms jerked up like a puppet on a string, fingers clawing at the air. “I see Taasur.

“Bodies everywhere. Men, women, children; fleeing, falling. Godless ones – the Opel, a dark sea in the desert…”

Whispers echoed through the Vault, everywhere, nowhere, drowning out Quilon’s booming voice.

“Watch priest, watch them die!”

“We see you…”

“…we’re coming to get you!”

 

[HareBrain]

On a first read I quite liked this. Plenty of colour and interesting to visualise. So, to nitpicks.

Tears of blood streamed down the priest’s face.

Sinking to his knees, the old man threw back his head to the gold-veined crystal suspended over the dais. Bathed in its light, he extended his arms and cupped his hands in prayer. He knelt before an ornate incense lantern, its smoke disappearing into his nostrils. His eyes rolled back into his skull, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly.

Osar started forward, attention fixed on the bloodied tears streaking Quilon’s face.

You're potentially confusing the reader here by referring to the same person in three ways. The priest/the old man/Quilon are the same person -- if the narrating POV knows his name, why not use it to start with? Otherwise it can read as being different people. I would call him Qulion in the first para and then say "He sank to his knees", etc -- you can feed in the fact that he's old and a priest soon enough; you don't need to rush.

A vice like grip wrenched at his wrist, fingers as thick as iron bars.

Iron bars can be any thickness, so what does this even mean? Beware of lines that initially sound good but fall apart under examination. (Though I appreciate that below a certain thickness they cease to be "bars". Hmm, maybe this was a bit harsh of me.)

He gritted his teeth against the beads of icy sweat tracing his spine.

Same semantic rigour needed here -- he's not actually gritting his teeth against the icy sweat; he's gritting them against the same fear that is causing the icy sweat (I assume).

The silence that followed was answer enough; all sound dying from the temple outside the Vault.

Don't like that semi-colon (though I know usage varies). A comma would be perfectly adequate (or "all sound died").

A freak wind stirred, snatching at Osar’s vestments. Shrieking, the canaries took to wing from their perches atop the five golden pillars around the dais. In their hundreds they blocked the light from the oculus at the dome’s apex. Before the Vault plunged into darkness, the crystal’s glow ebbed, warding against the swarming shadows.

I enjoyed the paragraph, but is it really the *ebbing* of the crystal that's warding against the shadows? That's the suggestion.

The voice boomed from the Quilon’s throat

"The Quilon" is a typo? (Also, using bold text is not something you should consider doing in a submission to an agent or publisher -- upper case or italics might be better.)

Red streaked his wrinkled face and wispy five-pointed beard, staining his yellowed vestments.

Red? Blood? From where? His mouth?

Overhead, the canaries’ cries fell silent.

Tiny point, but "cries" is redundant.



It reads as a pacey, good old-fashioned adventure, with, as I said, plenty of colour. Is it the very beginning?

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

Thanks for the swift response HareBrain! Red penned your notations, cheers buddy:

And, as it stands, yes this is the very beginning...for the time being! lol.

 

[HareBrain]

Somewhat doubting my own advice now -- naming Quilon right at the start risks making it seem to be his POV. There are ways round this though.

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

That's what I was originally afraid of - what do you think from an outsider's point of view?

 

[HareBrain]

OK, you could start with "Osar started forward", and then work what is now the first paragraph into the one beginning "With a growing cold". That places Osar as the POV, but names Quilon, and makes us interested in what Osar is seeing before it's described.

(Or something along those lines.)

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

Working that in, whilst trying to maintain a strong opening line, thanks Harebrain!

 

[thaddeus6th]

As usual, a disclaimer: I tend to focus on negative things. I do the same for my own redrafting, so rest assured it's nothing personal.

attention fixed - could perhaps slightly improve. Transfixed or mesmerised could work.

vice like - I think this should be hyphenated

wrenched at his wrist, fingers as thick as iron bars - I think this could be improved. A 'grip' would seem more likely to 'seize' or 'grasp' or suchlike, rather than wrench. ALso, I wasn't entirely sure whose wrist was being seized.

die.” Archsaji - comma, not full stop.

The city depends on this. - could be a little more emotive (ie what threat is being defended against? Wilting crops, terrible sandstorms, the Immense Death-Weasel etc)

growing cold in - not sure 'cold' works.

this…normal?” - need a space between the ellipsis and normal.

all sound dying from the temple outside the Vault - I'd change 'dying' to 'had died'. Dying makes it sound like there was some noise to start with and it dried up.

from the Quilon’s - 'the' probably needs axing

five-pointed beard, - having some difficulty imagining this. Is it shaved that way, or waxed or suchlike?

somehow lessened in - diminished? Just a suggestion, what's there works fine.

“Watch priest, watch them die!”

“We see you…”

“…we’re coming to get you!” - I think this could be improved a bit. You could shift it so that the words (perhaps a slow, horrific realisation) come from one of the men. 'coming to get you' can be improved. Something like 'Your children shall be next' or 'We shall bathe in your blood' etc.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's another good piece, I think - but again, Osar appears to be the POV character, but he's more of an observer in this scene which is something to take care with. It's good we get his reactions at the start, but as in the previous scene, once the dramatic news is given it would be more ideal to give an emotional reaction/insight from Osar to give this news context, and guide the readers reaction to it via Osar.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The purple; you'll see the comment later, but I think the sentences all share the same structure and it started to stand out for me.



Tears of blood streaked the priest’s face. Sinking to his knees, hands cupped in prayer, the old man threw back his head, mouth opening and closing wordlessly. The smoke from thedouble the is a little ungainly -- maybe drop the first one? incense lanterns played over his face, disappearing into his nostrils. His eyes rolled back into his skull, reflecting the light from the gold-veined crystal over the dais.The sentence structure jangled with me a little -- each of the last three have been, he ed something and then ing happened. Maybe vary one of them?

Osar started forward, attention fixed on the bloodied tears running down Quilon’s face. A vice like grip wrenched at his wrist, fingers as thick as iron bars.

“If you interrupt the ritual, Quilon could die.” Archsaji Ponti hissed, hauling him back in line with the other meji and their saji. “The city depends on this.”
Two nits; Quilon could did," Archsaji hissed. But it's not a sibilant sentence, so it can't actually be hissed.

With a growing cold in the pit of his stomach, Osar forced himself to stand back and watch. He gritted his teeth against the beads of icy sweat tracing his spine. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on-end as if sensing the hover of a knife between his shoulders.One too many bodily reactions for me, growing cold, gritted teeth, icy sweat, hairs standing on end, between his shoulders.

On the far side of the dais the Goldlord stepped in front of King Midysius, the Paladins closing ranks to either side, shields locked.

“Is this…normal?” The Goldlord’s tone was unreadable behind the full-faced phoenix helm.

The silence that followed was answer enough; all sound dying from the temple outside the Vault. A freak wind stirred, snatching at Osar’s vestments. Shrieking, the canaries took to wing from their perches atop the five golden pillars around the dais. In their hundreds they blocked the light from the oculus at the dome’s apex. Before the Vault plunged into darkness, the crystal’s glow ebbed, warding against the swarming shadows.nice

Osar’s ears popped, the pressure dropping in the Vault, the reek of ozone in the air. He ground his teeth harder, tasting blood in his mouth.

“I see...”

The voice boomed from the Quilon’s throat, but his lips never moved. Red streaked his wrinkled face and wispy five-pointed beard, staining his yellowed vestments. Osar followed his gaze, looking up to the crystal hung by chains between the pillars. Overhead, the canaries’ cries fell silent. Wings frozen, somehow suspended in the air, all of them faced the same direction – north.

“What do you see?” Ponti stepped onto the dais, his powerful frame somehow lessened in the presence of the lurking shadows.

“Tell us!” King Midysius swept past the Goldlord before the Paladins could react. “Taasur – does it stand? Does the city stand?”

“I see…” Quilon’s arms jerked up like a puppet on a string, fingers clawing at the air.“I see Taasur.

“Bodies everywhere. Men, women, children; fleeing, falling. Godless ones – the Opel, a dark sea in the desert…”

Whispers echoed through the Vault, everywhere, nowhere, drowning out Quilon’s booming voice.sorry, but this sentence pattern is really starting to interfere for me. I've highlighted them in a nice purple to show what I mean.

“Watch priest, watch them die!”

“We see you…”

“…we’re coming to get you!”


Despite my red and purple, I liked the scene and would be keen to know where it goes from here.

 

[D-E-M-Emrys]

@Thaddeus - thanks for the line-by-line, I've red penned all that you picked up, and changed the 'we're coming to get you' for something a little 'demons-gonna-eat-your-soul' sorta thing.

@I, Brian - I really appreciate you taking the time to look over my writing (again - I'm so sorry, lol). I've made a few changes so that some of the description for Osar's horror/shock that appear after this extract are now 'in it' to keep the reader at 'pace' as it were.

@Springs - thanks again for the line-by-line, but more so for picking at that sentence structure. It must've slipped my mind as I was going through it, but you're most definitely right, it seems to crop up and run-on too often. I've gone back and jiggled it around, mainly opting for a more 'chopped and sharp' approach to keep the 'action' element of the scene in play.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I really appreciate you taking the time to look over my writing (again - I'm so sorry, lol).

Don't worry about it - I put up my prologue and chapter 1 here something like 5 times each, after major revisions.