The Earth Chronicles Book I: Genesis (1,200+ words, 5min read)

[Jammill Khursheed]

Was just reading that post about starting with a bang in the general discussion bit, so I thought I’d post this and see if people think it’s a good ‘grab you’ start to a film script...

In case you don’t know (VO) next to the character’s name means it’s voice over narration, and the running time (and therefore should be the reading time) is just under 5 mins...

The interrogation scene is taking place AFTER the end of the third world war, and the man being interrogated is our main protagonist for the entire series, and the most arrogant bloodthirsty despot the world has ever seen... Also, the line that starts “It all started sixteen years ago now...” is MEANT to be corny, Simon knows this is all just for show before he gets executed for the war crimes he is guilty of and he isn’t REALLY trying to give his side of the story, he’s abusing what is his last chance to write his own place in history... Like one of those posturing Nazi war criminals, or Saddam shouting at the judge at his trial to seem important one last time...

Plus it’s the first thing I’ve posted from a done and dusted piece (NUMEROUS re-writes been done on this one) so it’s not in rough, YAY That means all the bits about missing commas and poor grammar are gonna’ hurt for real this time though

As always, thanks for all your help in advance people, and if I don’t respond to EVERY comment in person its because I’m used to just taking the crits instead of fighting about them, its not cos I’m being ignorant and I will answer any questions if you ask them though...


Jammill


The Earth Chronicles Book I: Genesis

********************************************

It doesn’t FADE IN, there is just a ...


BLACK SCREEN


MUSIC is playing - 'LIKE EATING GLASS' by BLOC PARTY.


We roll the studio and opening credits on what appears to be a plain black screen.

Once the credits are finished we track back, revealing the scene.

The Music track continues into the first scene until it is faded out.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. UNKNOWN PLACE - UNKNOWN TIME

ON SCREEN TEXT
September 6, 2007
​

We do not fade in, instead seeing the WHITE TEXT on the continuing black screen.

We see that the plain black screen is really the black of a T-SHIRT being worn by a man in the Interrogation room.

The man is sat on a METAL CHAIR on one side of a SMALL METAL TABLE set against the far wall (as we are seeing it) of the Interrogation room.

Across from the man is another, empty, identical METAL CHAIR.

The only light in the room is a single pyramid of light shining directly down from above the table.

The man is visible in the light that is shining onto the table.

It is our protagonist SIMON PERES, 33, heavy built, light brown hair and eyes, and with a SLIGHT SCAR on his left cheek.

The only markings on Simon’s black T-shirt is the Roman numeral ‘XIII’ on his left breast and the odd BLOOD SPLATTER on his clothes and hair.

The MUSIC starts to FADE TO SILENCE.

In front of Simon on the table is a GOLD TOBACCO TIN.

Simon picks up the tin and looks into camera.

We hear a DOOR OPENING, coming from where Simon was looking to.

THE INTERROGATOR walks into the room.

We only see the bottom half of his body as he walks towards Simon and the table (we never see the who the Interrogator is.)

We cut to a side shot of Simon’s face as he leans forward, into the pyramid of light shining down onto the table.

We see the Interrogator’s chest across from Simon as he sits down.

We focus on the gold tobacco tin.

The tin lid is engraved with the roman numeral ‘XIII’

Simon opens the tobacco tin.

Inside the tobacco tin are a number of CONE SHAPED MARIJUANA JOINTS and a GOLD ZIPPO LIGHTER, which also has the roman numeral ‘XIII’ engraved on it.

Simon takes one of the joints out of the tin.

He rips the twisted end off the joint and places the roach end in his mouth.

Simon takes the lighter out of the tin and closes the lid.

Simon looks up into the face of the interrogator (Simon can see his face, its just the audience that can’t.)

Simon has the joint hanging out of his mouth as he looks up.

Simon flicks open the lid of the lighter.

SIMON PERES
Would it be okay if I smoked?
​

Simon waits for the Interrogator to answer.

INTERROGATOR
I don’t think that would be
appropriate.​

Simon smiles.

Simon flicks the lighter and brings the flame to the end of his joint.

Simon inhales, the flame flickering as he pulls on the joint a couple of times.

Simon snaps down the lid of the lighter.

Simon takes a big drag of the joint and smiles up at the interrogator again.

Simon slowly breathes the smoke out of his nose.

The smoke stands out in the pyramid of light.

The Interrogator coughs.

SIMON PERES
Like I give a **** what you think.​

Simon takes another big drag on his joint.

INTERROGATOR
You do know what we are here for
don’t you?​

Simon nods, slowly releasing the smoke from his nose as he does.

SIMON PERES
Yeah. I wasn’t expecting to sit
down for a friendly little chat
beforehand though.
(BEAT)
I thought you’d just wanna take me
out and execute me. I deserve it.​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

INTERROGATOR
We aren’t like that.
(BEAT)
We need to know about you, about
what brought you here, before the
wars started.


SIMON PERES
All of it?​

Simon releases the smoke from his nose.

INTERROGATOR
Yes.
​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

Simon doesn’t look too happy about having to do this.

SIMON PERES
It all started about sixteen years
ago now, the year I became the man
I am today.
(BEAT)
This is what you want right?
(BEAT)
I mean, I already admitted to the
war crimes. I’ve never denied them.
(BEAT)
But you really do want to know why
don’t you? How I ended up like
this?​

Simon Sniggers as he lets the smoke out of his nostrils.

I guess I’d like to know myself.
​

Simon again looks directly up into the face of the Interrogator.

Simon purposefully hesitates, keeping the interrogator’s stare.

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

SIMON PERES
You see. There’s this sickness in
my head that consumes me. It calls
out for blood, for revenge, and no
matter what I do, its always there,
calling to me, gnawing at me every
time I close my eyes.
(BEAT)
And that hate, that darkness, it
defines me.​

EXT. BLACKSTAR NIGHTCLUB. CHICAGO - NIGHT

ON SCREEN TEXT
July 14, 1991
Chicago, Illinois
​

The only light in the scene is the light coming down from the STREETLIGHTS.

The streets around the nightclub are empty.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Its what I am.
​

The MECHANICAL SHUTTERS WHIRR as they descend over the door into the nightclub.

We see a man walking away from the nightclub.

The man is STEPHEN PERES, 23, Sandy hair and eyes with a familial resemblance to the actors playing Danni and Eyal Peres (but NOT to Simon who is adopted.)

SIMON PERES (VO)
Accepting that fact.​

The shutter CLUNKS closed at the bottom.

Stephen bends down and locks the Shutter.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Accepting what I truly was.
​

Stephen turns and starts walking away from the club.

It made me.​

We see TWO MEN sitting on a MOTORBIKE.

The DRIVER is a young white man, just a generic looking criminal type.

The passenger is BRETT KNIGHTE, 28, black hair and eyes.

Brett is holding an UZI SUB MACHINE GUN in his right hand, his left hand holding onto the Driver’s shoulder for support.

SIMON PERES (VO)
But the price I paid for that
realisation...​

The Motorbike REVS UP and starts moving towards Stephen but he ignores it.

...for that moment of epiphany...​

As the bike is directly behind Stephen Brett brings the Uzi up and aims it at his back.

...it was too much.​

Brett OPENS FIRE.

Stephen is hit repeatedly in the back and in the back of the head.

As the bike continues to move past Stephen, Brett keeps the gun on him, aiming to his side at first, then behind him as he shoots, making sure that Stephen is dead.

Stephen’s body lies twitching in the street.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Like I said, this was only the
beginning...​

The Motorbike continues to move away from Stephen’s twitching body.

The motorbike turns round a corner, the engine ROARING as it accelerates away off screen.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - AS BEFORE


The room is exactly the same as it was before.

SIMON PERES (Cont’d)
...the start of a long descent.
​

Simon releases the smoke from his nostrils.

They had plans for me see, and this
was just the start of it.
(BEAT)
I didn’t know it was at the time,
all I knew was that somebody had
killed my brother.
(BEAT)
But what they had planned for me,
that dark destiny they had set out
for me, as soon as I found out, I
spent the rest of my life fighting
against it.
(BEAT)
And I would have given anything to
free myself from that fate.


INTERROGATOR
Did you succeed?
(BEAT)
Did you escape your destiny?

​

Simon shrugs.

SIMON PERES
In a way, I guess I did. But I
couldn’t stop that darkness.
(BEAT)
I don't know if anyone could.​

 

[ctg]

Fear not, there's nothing wrong with your grammar. The script is all right and it's really dark. There are few things. Firstly what the hell do you mean with "Beat"? Secondly, in the opening scene wouldn't it be nice to have XII tattooed or carved (scars) on his chest? And thirdly, why uzi, why not tec-9 or simply a sub-machine gun?

 

[Ursa major]

A (screenplay) beat is a short pause in the speech. (I've seen it used before: GRRM, in his collection of pieces, Dreamsongs: A RRetrospective (recommended), includes a TV screenplay, and he uses Beat to give an idea of the way he wants the lines spoken.)

I assume, though I don't know, that its length depends on the pace of the dialogue into which it has been inserted.

 

[The Judge]

Hi

I won't do a thorough nit pick, but the "is sat" leapt out at me again -- it's "[He] is sitting" or "[He] sits". Also a "never see the who the Interrogator is" needs the extra "the" deleting; "Simon Sniggers" needs the capital changing, as do several nouns which have acquired capital initials for no good reason sometimes eg "the Shutter", "the Driver", the "Motorbike" -- if you want them to have capitals you have to be consistent, similarly if "Interrogator" is to be capitalised, it needs it doing throughout; "Its what I am" needs an apostrophe (It's) as does "its just" earlier; "generic looking" needs a hyphen (and I'd question what on earth it means in context -- criminals come in all shapes and sizes and with different physiognomies); and, yes, there are missing commas all over and at least one missing full stop.

If this is about a war criminal, to me the name is far too close to Shimon Peres for comfort. Unless the first name is important here, I'd suggest changing it to avoid offence.

How can you see blood splatter on a black T-shirt? And that sentence about the splatter is a grammatical crime: "The only markings on Simon’s black T-shirt is the Roman numeral ‘XIII’ ... and the odd BLOOD SPLATTER on his clothes and hair." -- "markings... is"? And if the splatter is on his T-shirt, you need something like "and also on his other clothes and hair" otherwise it makes no sense.

I have to say that none of the dialogue reads realistically to me, even though I'm rather assuming the interrogator isn't really an interrogator -- ie I assume he's not a human from the opposing nation who is interested in concrete information about the former enemy. If he is, then this reads wholly false. To begin with he wouldn't have allowed himself to be set up to be ignored over smoking the joint -- the Peres character doesn't need to have his cockiness augmented -- and he wouldn't give a toss about how Peres descended into evil.

If this is a genuine interrogation room (ie not some fiction in Peres's head) then the setting is completely false, too -- prisoners in real life aren't allowed unfettered access to weapons, which is what metal furniture would become if it wasn't nailed to the floor -- and more than a little hackneyed.

As for Peres's dialogue -- I hear what you say but I couldn't believe a word of it, not the words used, which I don't think anyone would use in this way, nor what he is saying behind the words. War criminals either deny what they have done or justify it as necessary; they certainly don't admit to their crimes like this and they don't excuse themselves.

Sorry to be so negative, but again, I'm not your target audience for this, and it may well be that these issues I can see when I've spent time looking at the written word wouldn't occur watching it quickly on screen. And certainly it's a dramatic beginning which is what you wanted.

 

[ctg]

Sorry about beat. I'm not very educated on the scripts.

Additional thoughts:

If I read this correctly, the beginning resembles McFarlarne's Spawn vaguely. It makes me to imagine that Simon was sent to hell, and that now he's part of "the legion", hence the XII markings. It's not bad, but I'm just afraid that you won't get far as typically Hollywood cocks this up big time. Spawn and Constantine are good examples to illustrate how badly they went wrong. However, if could do that in British style, then all props for you, even if it's not going to get a massive a Hollywood budget. So please, don't c--k it up as I like the script.

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

Thanks for all your help so far, I'll go through and make the little corrections as suggested to apostrophes and syntax etc... Now onto the questions/points

Judge
The name Simon Peres is based on Shimon Perez, he's the closest analogy for what Simon is in the modern world (seen as a great hero who finally ends the war and brings about peace to one side, seen as a war-criminal by the other.) Actual what he's like as a person wise though he is much more like Churchill but for some reason all his bad points are glossed over (Dreseden was TARGETED to cook as many Germans alive in one go for propaganda, he ordered the sinking of a ship that killed about a quarter of the survivors from the concentration camps, stole Cyclon-B that his soldiers found in concentration camps and used it to gas more Kurds in Iraq in the space of three months than Saddam did in thirty years.)

The dialogue here isn't meant to sound realistic... By this point in the storyline Simon knows about all the ancient prophecies and secret religious books that permeate the series, and is dictating what he knows will be the book about him more than answering charges at a trial... It's also written to be distinctly different from the in-scene dialogue (which I tried to be much more realistic with), not only in its usage but in its style as well (he talks like he's British in the interrogation scenes as he spends most of his life in Manchester, but still sounds like a ghetto kid from America in the scenes)...

As for Simon's behaviour re: the charges, by this point he knows that his death is the only thing that will stop the war and give him his victory before there's no-one left, he's purposefully sacrificing himself, and writing his own place in history, as the final stroke that defeats his enemies...

As for the joints... He's keeping other telepaths out of his head so nobody can tell where he is lying to the interrogator (we see what really happens, with Simon's lying or purposefully ambiguous voice over to the interrogator conflicting with the events we are watching), and as the war he takes place in has a heavily racial element to it, showing the interrogator would not only show who wins the war, but reveal which side Simon ends up fighting for, and I don't want anyone to know that by this point...

And don't worry about being negative... All your writing points are valid and having somebody who isn't big into the format giving advice on the actual writing of it bit is very useful

CTG
Simon doesn't have tattoos as he was raised Jewish and it's a cultural thing (Jewish people, and Muslims it turns out, aren't allowed tattoos by religion)... For the uzi, it is taking place 20 years ago and tec-9's weren't 'popularised' in the criminal underworld at that point (all the 'bad-man' criminals wanted an uzi as a status symbol)..

When it comes to doing it 'in the British style', the first two films (this one in Chicago, the second mainly taking place in Moscow) are just tracking Simon's eventual arrival in Britain where he leads the third world war from (ostensibly the re-formed Commonwealth against the US, but in reality Nicholas' religious cult and an army of terrorists Simon ends up leading fighting against the Illuminati), and I'm looking at it as a BRITISH FILM shot in Chicago, NOT even remotely a Hollywood film...

Glad you like it so far though

Jammill

 

[RJM Corbet]

... Simon flicks open the lid of the lighter.

SIMON PERES
Would it be okay if I smoked?
​

Simon waits for the Interrogator to answer.

INTERROGATOR
I don’t think that would be
appropriate.​

Simon smiles.

Simon flicks the lighter and brings the flame to the end of his joint.

Simon inhales, the flame flickering as he pulls on the joint a couple of times.

Simon snaps down the lid of the lighter.

Simon takes a big drag of the joint and smiles up at the interrogator again.

Simon slowly breathes the smoke out of his nose.

The smoke stands out in the pyramid of light.

The Interrogator coughs.

SIMON PERES
Like I give a **** what you think.​

Simon takes another big drag on his joint.

INTERROGATOR
You do know what we are here for
don’t you?​

Simon nods, slowly releasing the smoke from his nose as he does.

SIMON PERES
Yeah. I wasn’t expecting to sit
down for a friendly little chat
beforehand though.
(BEAT)
I thought you’d just wanna take me
out and execute me. I deserve it.​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

INTERROGATOR
We aren’t like that.
(BEAT)
We need to know about you, about
what brought you here, before the
wars started.


SIMON PERES
All of it?​

Simon releases the smoke from his nose.

INTERROGATOR
Yes.
​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

Simon doesn’t look too happy about having to do this.

SIMON PERES
It all started about sixteen years
ago now, the year I became the man
I am today.
(BEAT)
This is what you want right?
(BEAT)
I mean, I already admitted to the
war crimes. I’ve never denied them.
(BEAT)
But you really do want to know why
don’t you? How I ended up like
this?​

Simon Sniggers as he lets the smoke out of his nostrils.

I guess I’d like to know myself.
​

Simon again looks directly up into the face of the Interrogator.

Simon purposefully hesitates, keeping the interrogator’s stare.

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

SIMON PERES
You see. There’s this sickness in
my head that consumes me. It calls
out for blood, for revenge, and no
matter what I do, its always there,
calling to me, gnawing at me every
time I close my eyes.
(BEAT)
And that hate, that darkness, it
defines me. ​

EXT. BLACKSTAR NIGHTCLUB. CHICAGO - NIGHT

ON SCREEN TEXT
July 14, 1991
Chicago, Illinois
​

The only light in the scene is the light coming down from the STREETLIGHTS.

The streets around the nightclub are empty.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Its what I am.
​

The MECHANICAL SHUTTERS WHIRR as they descend over the door into the nightclub.

We see a man walking away from the nightclub.

The man is STEPHEN PERES, 23, Sandy hair and eyes with a familial resemblance to the actors playing Danni and Eyal Peres (but NOT to Simon who is adopted.)

SIMON PERES (VO)
Accepting ... that fact.​

The shutter CLUNKS closed at the bottom.

Stephen bends down and locks the Shutter.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Accepting ... what I truly was.
​

Stephen turns and starts walking away from the club.

It made me.​

We see TWO MEN sitting on a MOTORBIKE.

The DRIVER is a young white man, just a generic looking criminal type.

The passenger is BRETT KNIGHTE, 28, black hair and eyes.

Brett is holding an UZI SUB MACHINE GUN in his right hand, his left hand holding onto the Driver’s shoulder for support.

SIMON PERES (VO)
But the price I paid for that
realisation...​

The Motorbike REVS UP and starts moving towards Stephen but he ignores it.

...for that moment of epiphany...​

As the bike is directly behind Stephen Brett brings the Uzi up and aims it at his back.

...it was too much.​

Brett OPENS FIRE.

Stephen is hit repeatedly in the back and in the back of the head.

As the bike continues to move past Stephen, Brett keeps the gun on him, aiming to his side at first, then behind him as he shoots, making sure that Stephen is dead.

Stephen’s body lies twitching in the street.

SIMON PERES (VO)
Like I said, this was only the
beginning...​

The Motorbike continues to move away from Stephen’s twitching body.

The motorbike turns round a corner, the engine ROARING as it accelerates away off screen.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - AS BEFORE


The room is exactly the same as it was before.

SIMON PERES (Cont’d)
...the start of a long descent.
​

Simon releases the smoke from his nostrils.

They had plans for me see, and this
was just the start of it.
(BEAT)
I didn’t know it was at the time,
all I knew was that somebody had
killed my brother.
(BEAT)
But what they had planned for me,
that dark destiny they had set out
for me, as soon as I found out, I
spent the rest of my life fighting
against it.
(BEAT)
And I would have given anything to
free myself from that fate.


INTERROGATOR
Did you succeed?
(BEAT)
Did you escape your destiny?

​

Simon shrugs.

SIMON PERES
In a way, I guess I did. But I
couldn’t stop the darkness.
(BEAT)
I don't know if anyone could.​

Nice!
Hope it helps tighten the dialogue a bit, make it more gritty, to match the scene?

 

[wonkishere]

I like the premise of your book. Setting up the protagonist in the way you did is rather original.

I tend to agree with RJM Corbet in that making the dialogue a little tighter, as he suggested, might fit this scene better.

I think the thing that I might want to try as I wrote the book, is to be a little bit less obvious about who and what the character is in the beginning. Maybe it's better to be subtle. Don't so blatantly lead into the character as being an evil overlord. Let the reader find out who he is a little more slowly.

It's fine that he would be irritating in the initial scene and be a bit of an ass, but I think the "dark destiny" line is a bit much, this early in the story. Don't lead the reader by the nose to making early conclusions about the character. Let him have some expectations and maybe confound them later.

 

[RcGrant]

I really liked this. I stopped noticing any faults really early on and just read as a reader. Which you should take as a huge compliment. If I'm not grabbed by maybe line five (sometimes earlier), I stop reading. I normally dislike reading screenplays because they are dry by the nature of the format, but I enjoyed this. Thanks for posting.

 

[Bakerman]

You see. There’s this sickness in
my head that consumes me. It calls
out for blood, for revenge, and no
matter what I do, its always there,
calling to me, gnawing at me every
time I close my eyes.
(BEAT)
And that hate, that darkness, it
defines me.​

Reading this, I'm really unsure of Simon's character. The first time I went through, I read it as sardonic - like Simon's debasing himself, throwing out all the bloodthirsty extremes he knows are conventionally acceptable in his circumstance. Sort of like the Officer Krupke song in West Side Story, which is a more light-hearted take on the situation ;P. Then, going back, I realised he seems serious. Which... is difficult to swallow, though I obviously don't know where the script goes from here. Simply because it seems so extreme, and downright villainous. On the one hand I'm interested to see how he got into that state, but on the other, Simon is almost a parody of himself.

That said, I thought the script was entertaining. I especially liked the black t-shirt trick in the opening. It seems fairly smart, and I like the dark tone, though the wrong director could stuff it up a lot.

My one recommendation would be to explore the interrogator a bit more. How does he react to Simon's arrogance? At the moment, he doesn't, and it feels like a missed opportunity.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

To be honest, I tend to agree with TJ.
Except that I had nearly given up with it by the time any 'action' actually got going.

I've made a few notes but nothing extensive.

I can be picky.

Was just reading that post about starting with a bang in the general discussion bit, so I thought I’d post this and see if people think it’s a good ‘grab you’ start to a film script...

In case you don’t know (VO) next to the character’s name means it’s voice over narration, and the running time (and therefore should be the reading time) is just under 5 mins...

The interrogation scene is taking place AFTER the end of the third world war, and the man being interrogated is our main protagonist for the entire series, and the most arrogant bloodthirsty despot the world has ever seen... Also, the line that starts “It all started sixteen years ago now...” is MEANT to be corny, Simon knows this is all just for show before he gets executed for the war crimes he is guilty of and he isn’t REALLY trying to give his side of the story, he’s abusing what is his last chance to write his own place in history... Like one of those posturing Nazi war criminals, or Saddam shouting at the judge at his trial to seem important one last time...

Plus it’s the first thing I’ve posted from a done and dusted piece (NUMEROUS re-writes been done on this one) so it’s not in rough, YAY That means all the bits about missing commas and poor grammar are gonna’ hurt for real this time though

As always, thanks for all your help in advance people, and if I don’t respond to EVERY comment in person its because I’m used to just taking the crits instead of fighting about them, its not cos I’m being ignorant and I will answer any questions if you ask them though...


Jammill


The Earth Chronicles Book I: Genesis

********************************************

It doesn’t FADE IN, there is just a ...


BLACK SCREEN


MUSIC is playing - 'LIKE EATING GLASS' by BLOC PARTY.


We roll the studio and opening credits on what appears to be a plain black screen.

Once the credits are finished we track back, revealing the scene.

The Music track continues into the first scene until it is faded out.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. UNKNOWN PLACE - UNKNOWN TIME

ON SCREEN TEXT
September 6, 2007​

We do not fade in, instead seeing the WHITE TEXT on the continuing black screen. (I really took exception to this. Why would you tell the audience/cast/camera man or whoever what we don't do, surely they need to know what is expected.)

We see that the plain black screen is really the black of a T-SHIRT being worn by a man in the Interrogation room.

Again, I thought this was supposed to be a script/screen play - tell us what wee see. We are the cast/crew we don't need the clever mind games. We need to know what is happening. I see a script as a work order. Do this, to this in this way. It isn't a story.

The man is sat on a METAL CHAIR on one side of a SMALL METAL TABLE set against the far wall (as we are seeing it) of the Interrogation room.

Across from the man is another, empty, identical METAL CHAIR.

The only light in the room is a single pyramid of light shining directly down from above the table.

The man is visible in the light that is shining onto the table.

It is our protagonist SIMON PERES, 33, heavy built, light brown hair and eyes, and with a SLIGHT SCAR on his left cheek.

The only markings on Simon’s black T-shirt is the Roman numeral ‘XIII’ on his left breast and the odd BLOOD SPLATTER on his clothes and hair.

The MUSIC starts to FADE TO SILENCE. (why capitalise?)

In front of Simon on the table is a GOLD TOBACCO TIN.

Simon picks up the tin and looks into camera.

We hear a DOOR OPENING, coming from where Simon was looking to.

THE INTERROGATOR walks into the room.

We only see the bottom half of his body as he walks towards Simon and the table (we never see the who the Interrogator is.)

We cut to a side shot of Simon’s face as he leans forward, into the pyramid of light shining down onto the table.

We see the Interrogator’s chest across from Simon as he sits down.

We focus on the gold tobacco tin.

The tin lid is engraved with the roman numeral ‘XIII’

Simon opens the tobacco tin.

Inside the tobacco tin are a number of CONE SHAPED MARIJUANA JOINTS and a GOLD ZIPPO LIGHTER, which also has the roman numeral ‘XIII’ engraved on it.

Simon takes one of the joints out of the tin.

He rips the twisted end off the joint and places the roach end in his mouth.

Simon takes the lighter out of the tin and closes the lid.

Simon looks up into the face of the interrogator (Simon can see his face, its just the audience that can’t.)

Simon has the joint hanging out of his mouth as he looks up.

Simon flicks open the lid of the lighter.

To me that was a painful stage direction which could have been a lot tighter and less drawn out. As TJ said, this is not an interrogation setup. It's unrealistic. Lighters, drugs and probably even clothing would be removed. Suicide watch/preventions would be in place. All the items would be fastened down. He would certainly be chained to the floor/desk. Afterall this bloke is known to be violent.

SIMON PERES
Would it be okay if I smoked?​

Simon waits for the Interrogator to answer.

INTERROGATOR​

I don’t think that would be
appropriate. (Rule 1 in interrogation. Don't allow the integrogatee to get the upper hand.​

It would more likely go -​

You can, if you wish. But then I would have to come over there and stub it out on your face.​

Simon smiles.

Simon flicks the lighter and brings the flame to the end of his joint.

Simon inhales, the flame flickering as he pulls on the joint a couple of times.

Simon snaps down the lid of the lighter.

Simon takes a big drag of the joint and smiles up at the interrogator again.

Simon slowly breathes the smoke out of his nose.

The smoke stands out in the pyramid of light.

The Interrogator coughs.

SIMON PERES​

Like I give a **** what you think.​

Simon takes another big drag on his joint.

INTERROGATOR​

You do know what we are here for
don’t you?​

Simon nods, slowly releasing the smoke from his nose as he does.

SIMON PERES​

Yeah. I wasn’t expecting to sit
down for a friendly little chat
beforehand though.
(BEAT)
I thought you’d just wanna take me
out and execute me. I deserve it.​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

INTERROGATOR​

We aren’t like that.
(BEAT)
We need to know about you, about
what brought you here, before the
wars started.​

SIMON PERES
All of it?​

Simon releases the smoke from his nose.

INTERROGATOR​

Yes.​

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

Simon doesn’t look too happy about having to do this.

SIMON PERES​

It all started about sixteen years
ago now, the year I became the man
I am today.
(BEAT)
This is what you want right?
(BEAT)
I mean, I already admitted to the
war crimes. I’ve never denied them.
(BEAT)
But you really do want to know why
don’t you? How I ended up like
this?​

Simon Sniggers as he lets the smoke out of his nostrils.

I guess I’d like to know myself.​

Simon again looks directly up into the face of the Interrogator.

Simon purposefully hesitates, keeping the interrogator’s stare.

Simon takes another drag of his joint.

SIMON PERES​

You see. There’s this sickness in
my head that consumes me. It calls
out for blood, for revenge, and no
matter what I do, its always there,
calling to me, gnawing at me every
time I close my eyes.
(BEAT)
And that hate, that darkness, it
defines me.​

EXT. BLACKSTAR NIGHTCLUB. CHICAGO - NIGHT

ON SCREEN TEXT​

July 14, 1991
Chicago, Illinois​

The only light in the scene is the light coming down from the STREETLIGHTS.

The streets around the nightclub are empty.

SIMON PERES (VO) ​

Its what I am.​

The MECHANICAL SHUTTERS WHIRR as they descend over the door into the nightclub.

We see a man walking away from the nightclub.

The man is STEPHEN PERES, 23, Sandy hair and eyes with a familial resemblance to the actors playing Danni and Eyal Peres (but NOT to Simon who is adopted.) (Why bracketed? this is background info. It has nothing to do with this section really - it's over arching the storey and should be in the preamble if it's relevant. Again these details should not be sprung on the cast. If it needs to be known by the audience, someone is going to have to say it. They don't get to see the screen play with it's hidden asides)

SIMON PERES (VO) ​

Accepting that fact.​

The shutter CLUNKS closed at the bottom.

Stephen bends down and locks the Shutter.

SIMON PERES (VO) ​

Accepting what I truly was.​

Stephen turns and starts walking away from the club.

It made me.​

We see TWO MEN sitting on a MOTORBIKE.

The DRIVER is a young white man, just a generic looking criminal type.

The passenger is BRETT KNIGHTE, 28, black hair and eyes.

Brett is holding an UZI SUB MACHINE GUN in his right hand, his left hand holding onto the Driver’s shoulder for support.

SIMON PERES (VO) ​

But the price I paid for that
realisation...​

The Motorbike REVS UP and starts moving towards Stephen but he ignores it.

...for that moment of epiphany...​

As the bike is directly behind Stephen Brett brings the Uzi up and aims it at his back.

...it was too much.​

Brett OPENS FIRE.

Stephen is hit repeatedly in the back and in the back of the head.

As the bike continues to move past Stephen, Brett keeps the gun on him, (you can't keep the gun on him by aiming to the side or front. You can track him, aiming just to the side or just in front so that if you fired the delay would ensure a better chance of a hit) aiming to his side at first, then behind him as he shoots, making sure that Stephen is dead (well how could he know that - he's not checked it physically. He could be faking. If the audience needs to know this is a kill shot then he needs to go and do it and then check for a pulse. He can't assume at that distance the bullets hit. Bullets often don't hit moving targets. He could assume it but without something tangible to make the audience believe it then it's a nonsense.)


Stephen’s body lies twitching in the street.

SIMON PERES (VO) ​

Like I said, this was only the
beginning...​

The Motorbike continues to move away from Stephen’s twitching body.

The motorbike turns round a corner, the engine ROARING as it accelerates away off screen.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - AS BEFORE


The room is exactly the same as it was before.

SIMON PERES (Cont’d) ​

...the start of a long descent.​

Simon releases the smoke from his nostrils.

They had plans for me see, and this​

was just the start of it.
(BEAT) (Meaning what? if it's meant to be an action, as in say, someone being hit, then surely it should be a separate direction: with the results detailed and reactions listed.)
I didn’t know it was at the time,
all I knew was that somebody had
killed my brother.
(BEAT)
But what they had planned for me,
that dark destiny they had set out
for me, as soon as I found out, I
spent the rest of my life fighting
against it.
(BEAT)
And I would have given anything to
free myself from that fate.​

INTERROGATOR
Did you succeed?
(BEAT)
Did you escape your destiny?​

Simon shrugs.

SIMON PERES​

In a way, I guess I did. But I
couldn’t stop that darkness.
(BEAT)​

I don't know if anyone could.​

I don't get the formatting. This five words in the middle of the page is really difficult to read. Is this the way it's really done?

Sorry to be negative. However, I think you need to decide if this is the book on which the screen play is based or the actual screen play. To me this is neither one nor the other.

Hope I helped.

TEiN

 

[RJM Corbet]

I'm sorry, I know one's not supposed to comment on other's crits of the piece, but I do think it's clear this is obviously not the usual police type interrogation?

 

[TomS]

I like this piece overall, but I agree with many RJM's proposed cuts. I understand what you're thinking because I've done it before. I've toyed with writing a script in the past. Many of the cuts I would make are the one's that give direction to the actors. Unless you're planning on creating your own production company and everything that goes with it, you won't have that kind of control over what happens in front of the camera. I just think there are too many stage directions that I don't need to know about as a reader.

I don't know if I would make so many cuts in the actual dialogue, though. I'm like you; I like to write dialogue as if I were speaking. And how you have much of the dialogue written gives it a very fine pacing that appeals to me.

You'll be pleased to know that I figured out what (Beat) means all on my own. Took until about the third or fourth time I read it, though.

 

[Jammill Khursheed]

Hi..

Thanks for all your help so far... I will take on-board all the suggestions for cuts/edits when I start one of my re-writing phases (I either write, or re-write, and right now I’m writing) and look at it again... This might be the most re-written piece I have, but nothing’s ever finished until its sold, and with scripts not even then, so all suggestions are greatly appreciated... Especially the nice comments

As for the people who’ve raised particular points, I’ll answer those now...


Wonkishere

I appreciate where you’re coming from re: making Simon a bit more ambiguous at the beginning, and in previous drafts I did try that but it didn’t sit right... The things Simon has done by this point are both inexcusable and undeniable, people need to know this from the outset for the theme of the whole film trilogy (and his role in the greater storyline) to come across... Plus when I was playing with the whole “he might turn out alright in the end” thing the way he is with the “interrogator”, especially the way he is seen to ignore/gloss-over/blatantly lie about certain events in his voice-over, just didn’t work...

In execution, Simon’s voice-over is more like the ‘heel commentator’ on a wrestling show, cleverly contradicting what we can actually see with our own eyes to get his own agenda across...

Also, he is actually revelling in being guilty of the crimes, and his attitude is partly because he knows his words will be recorded to history, and partly to ensure he does end up getting executed, as he knows that’s the only way to stop the war and/or stop himself from pretty much destroying the whole planet...

As for your suggestions re: the “interrogator”, he has to be massively underplayed, partly because this is more of a psychological evaluation than a proper interrogation and the psychologist SHOULD disappear into the background and allow the patient to lead everything without reacting (hence the ambiguous answer to Simon’s request to smoke, and ignoring the fact he gets that smoke blown in his face)... These sort of things become much more apparent in the rest of the script... Also, we can’t show who the interrogator is without giving away the end of the war, as he is quite an important figure in the storyline once the war begins, and I don’t want people to know which side Simon is even on yet, let alone who wins it...

Obviously, if these facts don’t come across and stand out as problems to the reader, I need to look at rewriting to fix that, ESPECIALLY the beginning bits, if I want to get out of the script slush-pile (which is apparently harder to do than get out of than the novel one, and you only get 5-10 pages to do it in)...



Bakerman

re: Simon’s dialogue, you were right both times you read it It’s kind of half and half, both playing himself up as the big baddy for effect, AND really explaining why he does what he does... As the script progresses we learn that Simon was already killing people long before the war (both in a professional capacity as an assassin, and for fun), he is psychotic, sadistic, borderline schizophrenic, and if there wasn’t a war he would have ended up being a serial killer or something...

Throughout the story, he is seen to continuously mess with people’s heads as to whether or not he is insane and/or some kind of alpha-predator (he makes quips about everyone else he’s ever met ‘smelling like prey’, and suggests that the only reason he doesn’t keep chunks of his victims in a freezer as trophies is because he’s got a photographic memory)... In fact Simon’s whole story is “psychotic serial-killer saves the world out of spite”, even though there isn’t THAT much remaining to be saved once his war is over... Plus he loves it when people are afraid of him, and he’s trying (but failing) to get that reaction out of the “interrogator”...

If it seems cheesy though, it will need rewording, and that is something I will look at it in the next rewrite if it jars people too much...


TheEndIsNigh

re: the first two pieces of direction... Usually, EVERY script starts with the words FADE IN right at the top (and ends with FADE OUT right at the end) as we cut from the studio logos, or the screen with the credits on, to the first actual scene... The idea with this is that instead of fading in from a black screen, the black screen we show the credits over is Simon’s T-Shirt and we zoom out from it to see the scene instead, and professional script-readers (who I have to get past before anyone important gets to see it) would know those standards and see that direction for what it is...

As for the pacing of the direction until the dialogue begins, that is again a common film standard (showing the main character’s body language etc, kind of like the first scene in the interrogation room from “Usual Suspects” where we see verbal sat alone just looking around for a minute or two)... Because the standard is “one-page = one-minute” you need to fill that amount of space with what is basically nothing happening by noting tiny little details for a page and a half just to keep the pacing right...

Obviously if it seems badly written its something I’ll need to look at and re-write, but as per the format it will still need to take just as long and fill just as many lines, hopefully it’ll just be better written and not jar as much...

(PS (BEAT) is just a meaningful pause, i.e. longer than a full stop or comma would suggest, but not an actual end to the dialogue... I just assumed people knew that and so didn’t put it in the preamble, but you aren’t the first one to ask so I was obviously wrong )

As per the set up for the “interrogation”, as noted in replies to previous points, this is more of a psychological test (to ensure he is sane enough to be executed) mixed with “any last words” before he goes... Plus this IS sci-fi, and Simon has various “POWERS” that mean chaining him up and taking his drugs away is pointless, unless you want to annoy him and send him into another murderous rampage... Although its not noted in the films (we don’t see it until near the end of the whole series when he gets ‘captured’), Simon went willingly, knowing that his execution will end the war and allow him to ‘win’ before his murderous urges see him wipe out all life on Earth...

Your point about the shooting bit is a good one I missed picking up on, thanks for pointing it out...


Thanks again to everyone for your assistance so far, it is all greatly appreciated...


Jammill