Rufus Coppertop
Who pinched my --ing harp?
Greetings to everyone here,
My WIP is set on a parallel earth in a Roman empire that never collapsed. The MC's are Nathan and Donald, a pair of 12 year old cousins. The first few scenes are really about character intro and showing a bit of their world as well as giving a bit of minor conflict to keep the reader interested while the plot proper starts to kick in and the main conflict is revealed.
In this scene, we only meet Nathan. The most important thing I want to know is, would you would actually keep reading, or is it too boring?
At a technical level, in the beginning, I have a series of extremely short paragraphs. The effect I'm hoping for, is one of urgency. Does this actually work?
Nathan spotted a twelve year old girl in a burgundy bustle dress, crossing the cobblestones a block and a half away.
His heart leapt as he recognized her.
Rufina!
He took off up the street, running past a temple.
A bookshop.
A sweet shop.
Slowing down, he swerved to avoid a group of factory workers and craftsmen on their way to work.
He picked up speed again and sprinted past the temple of Mercury.
The hardware shop.
The police tower.
His boots pounded.
Ahead was the post office corner.
Closer now.
He was almost there.
A gaggle of alchemists in robes and skull caps spilled out of their guild house ahead.
“Look out!” he cried and tried to stop.
He skidded on the pavement and overbalanced.
Plunging forward, he flung his hands out to break his fall as the largest of them caught him.
“Good morning, Master Entwhistle,” said the alchemist, steadying him.
“Morning,” Nathan panted, recovering his balance. He glanced at the corner and back to the alchemist. “Sorry sir! Thank you!”
He took off again.
“It’s only a quarter past eight, you know!” the alchemist called to him as he reached the corner.
He spotted Rufina across the street and halfway down the block.
“Oh thank you gods!” he said to himself.
She was admiring the fashions in a clothing shop.
Nathan leaned against a fluted lamp post to get his breath back. After a steam lorry went by, he crossed the street and called out to her.
“Rufina!”
She looked around as he approached and waited for him.
“Hello Nathan,” she said. “Have you been running?”
Nathan nodded. “Yeah, I saw you crossing the street. I’ve got something to ask you.”
“It’s nice to know we’re almost on holiday,” she said.
“I’m just glad we don’t have to lug books around today. Hey, Rufina! Could we maybe …?”
“Meeting Donald?” she asked cutting him off.
“Yeah,” said Nathan. “I’m a bit early. Thought I’d wander up to his dad’s workshop. Listen, would you like to …?”
“Nathan!” she said, “you have to get him to take the day off. It’s holiday break-up, yeah? It won’t matter.”
“But why?”
“The Zimmerman twins,” she said, referring to a pair of fourteen year olds in their class.
“Oh right,” said Nathan with a sneer. “They’re going to beat him up, I suppose.”
“Yes, they are. Definitely.”
“Rufina,” said Nathan, “Those idiots are going beat him up every day.” Raising his hands, he shrugged. “Never seems to happen though.”
Go on! Ask her!
Nathan wiped his palms on his trousers. His stomach was fluttering. “I don’t suppose you’d like to …”
“It’ll happen today!” Rufina said. She stepped closer and glared intently at Nathan. “They’re leaving school for apprenticeships.”
“But their dad’s the woodwork teacher!” Nathan said. “He’ll get into trouble too. Rufina, could you and I …?”
“So you haven’t heard the news?”
“Oh!” Nathan slumped his shoulders and sighed. “What news?”
“He resigned yesterday. He’s popping in today to give us our marks and that’s it.”
The woodwork teacher had almost lost his job once because of his sons beating up other boys. Because of Nathan and Donald’s social status, he had never concealed a dislike for either of them.
Nathan’s eyebrows shot up as the implication sank into his mind.
“Uh oh!”
If Zimmerman was no longer officially a teacher, he could not be held responsible for what his sons did at school today.
“How d’you know?” Nathan said.
“I was sitting behind them at the electric theatre last night. Overheard them talking between news reels.”
“And?” said Nathan, shifting a little and motioning with a hand. “What did they say?”
“Well,” said Rufina, “Odo said, we can beat the crap outta Highpa tomorrow. Dad said so.”
“Gods, he’s a total *******, isn’t he?” said Nathan.
“He is,” said Rufina, nodding. “And anyway, so then Gaius said, the little pansy’s asking for it, mincing around in those flash, high pants and getting top marks for everything.”
“Bloody hell,” Nathan said with a low voice. “I’ll let him know.”
“He’ll probably come anyway,” she said. “You know what he’s like.”
“Do I ever!” Nathan rolled his eyes. They were only going to have three classes today but marks would be read out loud at the end. The gods themselves would need to put in overtime to stop Donald turning up for that.
“Uhm, Rufina …”
She reached out, touched his bare forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’ve got something to ask you, Nathan.”
Nathan felt as if his heart skipped a beat. “Really?” Hardly daring to breath, he smiled. “What?”
“Do you think Donald would go out with me?”
Nathan forced the smile to stay on his face as he crossed his arms. “Ah, maybe.” Shifting his weight onto his right foot, he uncrossed his arms and tried to look relaxed. “You like him?”
“Gods yes,” she said. “He’s bright, handsome and such a classy dresser.”
“Oh,” said Nathan, letting the smile drop slowly. “Yeah well, that’s why Odo and the others pick on him.”
“They think he’s gay,” said Rufina. “Dunno why it matters to them.”
“Jealous of his brain,” said Nathan. “Either that or class envy or something.”
“Probably. Anyway, let him know.”
“Course I will.”
“And ask him if he likes me!” she said.
“Absolutely.”
Yeah, right!
My WIP is set on a parallel earth in a Roman empire that never collapsed. The MC's are Nathan and Donald, a pair of 12 year old cousins. The first few scenes are really about character intro and showing a bit of their world as well as giving a bit of minor conflict to keep the reader interested while the plot proper starts to kick in and the main conflict is revealed.
In this scene, we only meet Nathan. The most important thing I want to know is, would you would actually keep reading, or is it too boring?
At a technical level, in the beginning, I have a series of extremely short paragraphs. The effect I'm hoping for, is one of urgency. Does this actually work?
Nathan spotted a twelve year old girl in a burgundy bustle dress, crossing the cobblestones a block and a half away.
His heart leapt as he recognized her.
Rufina!
He took off up the street, running past a temple.
A bookshop.
A sweet shop.
Slowing down, he swerved to avoid a group of factory workers and craftsmen on their way to work.
He picked up speed again and sprinted past the temple of Mercury.
The hardware shop.
The police tower.
His boots pounded.
Ahead was the post office corner.
Closer now.
He was almost there.
A gaggle of alchemists in robes and skull caps spilled out of their guild house ahead.
“Look out!” he cried and tried to stop.
He skidded on the pavement and overbalanced.
Plunging forward, he flung his hands out to break his fall as the largest of them caught him.
“Good morning, Master Entwhistle,” said the alchemist, steadying him.
“Morning,” Nathan panted, recovering his balance. He glanced at the corner and back to the alchemist. “Sorry sir! Thank you!”
He took off again.
“It’s only a quarter past eight, you know!” the alchemist called to him as he reached the corner.
He spotted Rufina across the street and halfway down the block.
“Oh thank you gods!” he said to himself.
She was admiring the fashions in a clothing shop.
Nathan leaned against a fluted lamp post to get his breath back. After a steam lorry went by, he crossed the street and called out to her.
“Rufina!”
She looked around as he approached and waited for him.
“Hello Nathan,” she said. “Have you been running?”
Nathan nodded. “Yeah, I saw you crossing the street. I’ve got something to ask you.”
“It’s nice to know we’re almost on holiday,” she said.
“I’m just glad we don’t have to lug books around today. Hey, Rufina! Could we maybe …?”
“Meeting Donald?” she asked cutting him off.
“Yeah,” said Nathan. “I’m a bit early. Thought I’d wander up to his dad’s workshop. Listen, would you like to …?”
“Nathan!” she said, “you have to get him to take the day off. It’s holiday break-up, yeah? It won’t matter.”
“But why?”
“The Zimmerman twins,” she said, referring to a pair of fourteen year olds in their class.
“Oh right,” said Nathan with a sneer. “They’re going to beat him up, I suppose.”
“Yes, they are. Definitely.”
“Rufina,” said Nathan, “Those idiots are going beat him up every day.” Raising his hands, he shrugged. “Never seems to happen though.”
Go on! Ask her!
Nathan wiped his palms on his trousers. His stomach was fluttering. “I don’t suppose you’d like to …”
“It’ll happen today!” Rufina said. She stepped closer and glared intently at Nathan. “They’re leaving school for apprenticeships.”
“But their dad’s the woodwork teacher!” Nathan said. “He’ll get into trouble too. Rufina, could you and I …?”
“So you haven’t heard the news?”
“Oh!” Nathan slumped his shoulders and sighed. “What news?”
“He resigned yesterday. He’s popping in today to give us our marks and that’s it.”
The woodwork teacher had almost lost his job once because of his sons beating up other boys. Because of Nathan and Donald’s social status, he had never concealed a dislike for either of them.
Nathan’s eyebrows shot up as the implication sank into his mind.
“Uh oh!”
If Zimmerman was no longer officially a teacher, he could not be held responsible for what his sons did at school today.
“How d’you know?” Nathan said.
“I was sitting behind them at the electric theatre last night. Overheard them talking between news reels.”
“And?” said Nathan, shifting a little and motioning with a hand. “What did they say?”
“Well,” said Rufina, “Odo said, we can beat the crap outta Highpa tomorrow. Dad said so.”
“Gods, he’s a total *******, isn’t he?” said Nathan.
“He is,” said Rufina, nodding. “And anyway, so then Gaius said, the little pansy’s asking for it, mincing around in those flash, high pants and getting top marks for everything.”
“Bloody hell,” Nathan said with a low voice. “I’ll let him know.”
“He’ll probably come anyway,” she said. “You know what he’s like.”
“Do I ever!” Nathan rolled his eyes. They were only going to have three classes today but marks would be read out loud at the end. The gods themselves would need to put in overtime to stop Donald turning up for that.
“Uhm, Rufina …”
She reached out, touched his bare forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’ve got something to ask you, Nathan.”
Nathan felt as if his heart skipped a beat. “Really?” Hardly daring to breath, he smiled. “What?”
“Do you think Donald would go out with me?”
Nathan forced the smile to stay on his face as he crossed his arms. “Ah, maybe.” Shifting his weight onto his right foot, he uncrossed his arms and tried to look relaxed. “You like him?”
“Gods yes,” she said. “He’s bright, handsome and such a classy dresser.”
“Oh,” said Nathan, letting the smile drop slowly. “Yeah well, that’s why Odo and the others pick on him.”
“They think he’s gay,” said Rufina. “Dunno why it matters to them.”
“Jealous of his brain,” said Nathan. “Either that or class envy or something.”
“Probably. Anyway, let him know.”
“Course I will.”
“And ask him if he likes me!” she said.
“Absolutely.”
Yeah, right!
)
