First few pages of E.D.F Chronicles book 2 - E.D.F resurgent.

[Vargev]

This book is a direct continuation of E.D.F chronicles 1 - the Krenaran massacre, albeit 8 months on. If anyone needs a little clarification a full synopsis of the first book can be found here. http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/50976-e-d-f-chronicles-synopsis.html

[FONT=&quot]E.D.F Chronicles book 2 : E.D.F Resurgent[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By Ian Smethurst[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 1 [FONT=&quot]- Michaels loss[/FONT][/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot]Michael Alexander was sat at the bar of the ‘black hole’ a bar-come-meeting place aboard Delta base. He had just arrived back from an escort mission with a small flotilla of converted Lincoln class supply ships carrying a force of E.D.F troops from the 8th ‘black jacks’ infantry company; to the fighting around the Aurelias colony.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was a fairly routine mission, with only a little resistance around Aurelias itself.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was nursing a scotch, rolling the small whisky tumbler around with his fingers; and thinking about the past. Of happier times, before he became haunted by the loss of his wife Jana, and his son Theo.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Most nights when he slept, he would dream that he was still with them, and tonight would be no different.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Some nights would be worse; he would lie awake longing for them to come back, seeing their faces in his dreams. Then he would awake, and knew they couldn’t for they were now dead; it didn’t make it any easier, the sense of loss was devastating. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He had celebrated his 35th birthday last week; alone, nursing a scotch just as he did tonight.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Would ya mind if I pull up a chair next to ya cap’n.” Said a familiar Irish sounding voice. It was Lieutenant Commander Quinn Kinraid.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was chosen to be second officer on board the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot], after Televis had been placed in command of the Solarian battle cruiser Faeriath.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kinraid was personally chosen by Michael, because they had been long time friends, but also because Kinraid was a hell of an officer and could more than handle the ship when Michael wasn’t around.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ya looking kinda down to me sir, if ya beg my pardon.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I miss them Quinn……..I miss them a lot.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Tis the tragedy of war; so it is, not all wounds can be healed sir.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ten months on, and I still miss them, I remember them like they were still here.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael and Quinn had already talked about the deaths of Jana and Theo, although Quinn had only been serving on the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] a little over a month. The commander had explained that at an early age, he had lost his mother in a chemical leak at a local research laboratory in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Aberdeen[/FONT][FONT=&quot], and had spent the rest of his life with his father in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dublin[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael finished rolling the tumbler around with his thumb and forefinger, and drained the remainder of the whisky, and stared blankly at the empty glass. It reminded him of his empty life.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]The viewer blazed into life, directly across from the large open plan bar area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“This is the Outer Colony News service, I am Annika Raumov; the headlines today.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The war continues to go well for the E.D.F - Solarian Alliance, and notable victories at the Perseus and Malthus colonies have been recorded, we take you now to General Macken of the 14th E.D.F battalion ‘Head hunters’ to describe the engagements.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The picture changed to a young looking man, barely in his thirties, his fatigues and camouflaged features were stained with soot and grime.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Generals are getting younger everyday.” Michael pointed out; before turning his attention back to the viewer.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Thank you. The Malthus victory was a textbook rapid deployment, firstly E.D.F Naval forces drove the Krenaran ships back, and quickly launched god-hammer bomber squadrons to knock out any Krenaran air defences on the surface. Once this was complete; [FONT=&quot]Stockholm[/FONT][FONT=&quot] landers deployed almost seven hundred troops, and one hundred armoured vehicles to the surface to commence the ground war in conjunction with God-hammer bomber raids; the colony was captured within three days.” [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“So they finally captured Malthus; funny how they don’t tell you the casualties.” Michael sighed.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Or what ships we might have lost buying their way in.” [/FONT]

 

[fkatona]

Okay, for starters please read the stickies. Stickies are good for you! And they make it easier for me to read....

I really couldn't tell where your paragraphs were. It looks like nearly every sentence is its own paragraph. That can't be good.

Grammar could use some adjustments. The first sentence "Michael Alexander was sat" should probably be "was sitting". I'll let you discover the rest.

I read the synopsis - you thought out your story very nicely. It's a very manly man series, with lots of men and weapons and aliens and war and super future space stuff and did I mention men? It's a fun change to the brooding fantasies. This is one instance where it would be acceptable to load up on cliches as it would make it more of an enjoyable read.

As for book two, there are a couple of things to remember:

1) You still need to present information as if some people did not read book one. At the same time, avoid the urge to infodump what happened in book one. Treat it like this is the first book, and use clever exposition techniques to reveal the events of the past.

2) You still need to have a hook. Don't assume that fans of the first book would enjoy opening up the second to find the hero drinking his sorrows at a bar, brooding over the deaths of his family - I'm sure the readers already went through that enough in the first book when they die. Quinn is clearly only there to serve as a means of getting the hero to talk about his sorrows... And then comes the exposition about what has happened since the first book, disguised as a news report.

My advise is to start with a hook - maybe the first event of significance - and intersperse the story with reflections on his wife and son.

Above all, keep writing!

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I don't understand what you're after I'm afraid.

Your opening statement seems to suggest that you are already published.

Do you want a critique as fkatona has assumed or is this just for interest?

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

This book is a direct continuation of E.D.F chronicles 1 - the Krenaran massacre, albeit 8 months on. If anyone needs a little clarification a full synopsis of the first book can be found here. http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/50976-e-d-f-chronicles-synopsis.html

[FONT=&quot]E.D.F Chronicles book 2 : E.D.F Resurgent

By Ian Smethurst
1 - Michaels​

Michael's

loss

​

Michael Alexander was sat at the bar of the ‘black hole’

comma

a bar-come-meeting place aboard Delta base. He had just arrived back from an escort mission with a small flotilla of converted Lincoln class supply ships carrying a force of E.D.F troops from the 8th ‘black jacks’ infantry company;

not a semicolon

to the fighting around the Aurelias colony.
It was

had been

a fairly routine mission, with only a little resistance around Aurelias itself.

He was nursing a scotch, rolling the small whisky tumbler around with his fingers;

not a semicolon

and thinking about the past. Of happier times, before he

probably "had become"

became haunted by the loss of his wife Jana, and his son Theo.

Most nights when he slept,

either a comma after "slept", or no comma here

he would dream that he was still with them, and tonight would be no different.

Some nights would be worse; he would lie awake longing for them to come back, seeing their faces in his dreams. Then he would awake, and knew

know

they couldn’t for they were now dead; it didn’t make it any easier, the sense of loss was devastating.

lack of logic in this paragraph; how could he "awake", if he'd lain awake, "see their faces in his dreams"if he hadn't slept, and what "didn't make what any easier"?

He had celebrated his 35th birthday last week; alone, nursing a scotch just as he did tonight.

“Would ya mind if I pull up a chair next to ya cap’n.

question mark, no capital "s" after the quotation marks

” Said a familiar Irish sounding voice. It was Lieutenant Commander Quinn Kinraid.

He was

had been

chosen to be second officer on board the Liberty, after Televis had been placed in command of the Solarian battle cruiser Faeriath.

Kinraid was

had been

personally chosen by Michael, because they had been long time friends, but also because Kinraid was a hell of an officer and could more than handle the ship when Michael wasn’t around.

“Ya looking kinda down to me sir, if ya beg my pardon.”

“I miss them Quinn……..I miss them a lot.”

“Tis the tragedy of war;

comma

so it is,

semicolon here

not all wounds can be healed sir.”

“Ten months on, and I still miss them,

Full stop

I remember them like they were still here.”

Michael and Quinn had already talked about the deaths of Jana and Theo, although Quinn had only been serving on the Liberty a little over a month. The commander had explained that at an early age, he had lost his mother in a chemical leak at a local research laboratory in Aberdeen, and had spent the rest of his life with his father in Dublin.
Michael finished rolling the tumbler around with his thumb and forefinger, and drained the remainder of the whisky, and stared blankly at the empty glass.

Is this manipulation of the glass that important that it requires attention drawn to it again? I'd get rid of the sequential "and"s, too.

It reminded him of his empty life.

The viewer blazed into life, directly across from the large

comma; and perhaps a hyphen in "open-plan"

open plan bar area.
“This is the Outer Colony News service, I am Annika Raumov; the headlines today.
The war continues to go well for the E.D.F - Solarian Alliance, and notable victories at the Perseus and Malthus colonies have been recorded,

Full stop (could be a semicolon with some news readers)

we take you now to General Macken of the 14th E.D.F battalion ‘Head hunters’ to describe the engagements.”
The picture changed to a young looking man, barely in his thirties,

if you want to keep that "were", this should be at least a semicolon.

his fatigues and camouflaged features were stained with soot and grime.

“Generals are getting younger everyday.” Michael pointed out;

just a comma

before turning his attention back to the viewer.

“Thank you. The Malthus victory was a textbook rapid deployment,

Full stop

firstly E.D.F Naval forces drove the Krenaran ships back, and quickly launched god-hammer bomber squadrons to knock out any Krenaran air defences on the surface. Once this was complete;

no semicolon

landers deployed almost seven hundred troops,

no comma

and one hundred armoured vehicles to the surface

comma here

to commence the ground war in conjunction with God-hammer bomber raids; the colony was captured within three days.”

“So they finally captured Malthus; funny how they don’t tell you the casualties.” Michael sighed.“Or what ships we might have lost buying their

I feel the "we" and the "their" should match, but it's not an error, as such.

way in.”

Ooh, the formatting.

All right, It's probably only me that keeps expanding your organisation to "Eléctricité de France", but it does occasionally distract me a little while reading.

 

[Vargev]

thanks for the comments guys, Yes fkatona it is a seriously manly man series, there are the occasional female characters that do pop up from time to time. but the main characters are male. nothing to do with any gender equality issues though.

Hi endisnigh, actually its a bit of both really. And i am not currently published, the first book has had one offer, and two rejections so far, however the offer was that the publisher wanted a lot of money to publish it, hence why i've been putting it out there, and seeing what; if any over offers come my way.

Thank you chris, you done your usual sterling job. as for the E.D.F thing, i really should put a disclaimer saying that it is in no way connected to E.D.F energy. he he

the thumbing of the glass is me suggesting to the reader that he is going through things in his mind, and is haunted by the loss of his wife and child.

Also even if this doesn't get published, i have comitted myself to writing the entire full story arc, across the four books, from The Krenaran massacre (book 1) to the Cyberian menace (book 4)
cheers guys.

 

[Culhwch]

Apart from the punctuation problems pointed out by Chris, there are some definite flow issues here. Part of that is, as fkatona pointed out, to do with your loose relationship with paragraphs. Most of it, though, is down to clunky prose and a good deal of telling rather than showing. Take the first little section:

Michael Alexander was sat at the bar of the ‘black hole’ a bar-come-meeting place aboard Delta base. He had just arrived back from an escort mission with a small flotilla of converted Lincoln class supply ships carrying a force of E.D.F troops from the 8th ‘black jacks’ infantry company; to the fighting around the Aurelias colony.
It was a fairly routine mission, with only a little resistance around Aurelias itself.
He was nursing a scotch, rolling the small whisky tumbler around with his fingers; and thinking about the past. Of happier times, before he became haunted by the loss of his wife Jana, and his son Theo.
Most nights when he slept, he would dream that he was still with them, and tonight would be no different.
Some nights would be worse; he would lie awake longing for them to come back, seeing their faces in his dreams. Then he would awake, and knew they couldn’t for they were now dead; it didn’t make it any easier, the sense of loss was devastating.
He had celebrated his 35th birthday last week; alone, nursing a scotch just as he did tonight.

Read over that, and then pick up the nearest science fiction novel you have to hand (or any novel for that matter) and read the opening paragraphs. Notice a difference? I really think you've got to set a tone here. Try painting the scene a little bit clearer...

The Black Hole was a seedy little dive in the bad sector of Delta Base. The lights were dim, a constant smoke haze hung in the air, and the booze tasted twice as cheap as it was. It wasn't Michael Alexander's usual kind of haunt, but just now he wanted to sit in the half-light, drink too much vodka, and forget.

They hadn't been back on Delta long, arriving during the previous night cycle. The escort mission had, thankfully, gone smoothly, and he'd seen his men - the 8th Infantry Company, his beloved Black Jacks - safely on board, given them a day's leave, and then skulked off to find somewhere to drown his sorrows.

Obviously, you need to put your own lean on it - I'm just having a stab with what you've given, so I'm sure I'm probably well off the mark of what you intended, but hopefully it just gives you an idea of what you can do with this start.

I've got to say as well that 'Quinn Kinraid', at this point, is coming off as the worst kind of cliched, cardboard cut-out Irishman. It's the dialogue. It's hard to do an accent like this without sounding corny. Less is more.

 

[Vargev]

Thanks for that culwtch, perhaps i need to set the scene here better than i have.

I have the impression that the black hole is not a seedy bar per se' just an average normal every day bar. Michael now being a ship captain, wouldnt visit the seedy bars, he's too contemplative for that. but he's not particularly fond of the pomp and splendour of the bars the admiralty would frequent either.

As for Quinn Kinraid, i do like to add different characters from different areas, which i do on purpose as it gives the E.D.F more of a global feel, men (and women) are recruited from literally everywhere. For example Nikolai is a heavy russian guy, very militaristic and comes out with comrade! sometimes at the end of his speeches, Kinraid on the other hand was kind of modelled after harper, from the sharpe series, with his own quirks and ways, and brought up into the 21st century, maybe i should not use as many "irishisms" for wont of a better word.

 

[Gary Compton]

Hi endisnigh, actually its a bit of both really. And i am not currently published, the first book has had one offer, and two rejections so far, however the offer was that the publisher wanted a lot of money to publish it, hence why i've been putting it out there, and seeing what; if any over offers come my way.

In Publishing money only flows one way, from Publisher to Author. If any Agent/Publisher wants money from you he is either a charlatan or a vanity press.

 

[Culhwch]

As for Quinn Kinraid, i do like to add different characters from different areas, which i do on purpose as it gives the E.D.F more of a global feel, men (and women) are recruited from literally everywhere. For example Nikolai is a heavy russian guy, very militaristic and comes out with comrade! sometimes at the end of his speeches, Kinraid on the other hand was kind of modelled after harper, from the sharpe series, with his own quirks and ways, and brought up into the 21st century, maybe i should not use as many "irishisms" for wont of a better word.

The problem is falling into stereotypes that are going to detract from the originality of your work at best and be laughable at worst. The militaristic Russian who ends sentences with 'Comrade!' is another one. How far in the future is this set? Quite a ways, I'm guessing - so the question is, do these national identities still even exist to such an extent? Two hundred years ago, there was no Australian identity and only a fledgling American one. Two hundred years from now? Who knows. A thousand years or more? Get creative. I'd definitely look at tweaking the characters a bit.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Well in that case here goes

Usual key

Red remove
Blue comment in general
Green suggestions

opinions only of course

First off :- formatting is bad, as others mentioned.

This book is a direct continuation of E.D.F chronicles 1 - the Krenaran massacre, albeit 8 months on. If anyone needs a little clarification a full synopsis of the first book can be found here. http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/50976-e-d-f-chronicles-synopsis.html

[FONT=&quot]E.D.F Chronicles book 2 : E.D.F Resurgent[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By Ian Smethurst[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]1 [FONT=&quot]- Michaels loss[/FONT][/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Michael Alexander was sat in at the bar of the ‘black hole’ a bar-come-meeting place aboard on Delta base. He had just arrived back from an escort mission with a small flotilla fleet (flotilla to me suggests a sailing holiday) of converted (not sure about the need for converted, supply ships can supply troops surely) Lincoln class supply ships carrying a force of E.D.F troops from the 8th ‘black jacks’ infantry company brigade (a company is a small force a part of it even smaller and hardly needs a flotilla to carry it); to the fighting around on (around implies in space not on the ground where troops belong) the Aurelias colony.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was a fairly routine mission, with only a little resistance around Aurelias itself.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was nursing a scotch, rolling the small whisky tumbler around with his fingers; and thinking about the past. Of happier times, before he became haunted by the loss of his wife Jana, and his son Theo.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Most nights when he slept, he would dream that he was still with them, and tonight would be no different.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Some nights would be worse; he would lie awake longing for them to come back, seeing their faces in his dreams. Then he would awake, and knew they couldn’t for they were now dead; it didn’t make it any easier, the sense of loss was devastating. (I think you should have these as nightmares people rarely lie awake if the dreams are good) [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He had celebrated his 35th birthday last week; alone, nursing a scotch just as he did tonight. (Unless it's important I would have him maudlin on his birthday now, it makes it more relevant and removes the slight problem of his two birthdays)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Would ya mind if I pull up a chair next to ya cap’n.” Said a familiar Irish sounding voice. It was Lieutenant Commander Quinn Kinraid. (a bit formal after such a welcome:- name first and then drag in his rank in passing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was chosen to be second officer on board the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot], after Televis had been placed in command of the Solarian battle cruiser Faeriath. (? is that relavent here because he gets chosen a lot in this section)[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kinraid was personally chosen by Michael, because they had been long time friends, but also because Kinraid was a hell of an officer and could more than handle the ship when Michael wasn’t around. (but he could also handle himself in a tight spot - maybe)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ya looking kinda down to me sir, if ya beg my pardon.” (old friends ?)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I miss them Quinn……..I miss them a lot.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Tis the tragedy of war; so it is, not all wounds can be healed sir.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ten months on, and I still miss them, I remember them like they were still here.” (This just sounds wrong - sometimes I feel they are still here maybe)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael and Quinn had already talked about the deaths of Jana and Theo, although Quinn had only been serving on the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] a little over a month. The commander had explained that at an early age, he had lost his mother in a chemical leak at a local research laboratory in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Aberdeen[/FONT][FONT=&quot], and had spent the rest of his life with his father in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dublin[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. (so is this his afterlife then)[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael finished rolling the tumbler around with his thumb and forefinger, and (it was OK the first time twice is just spoiling it) drained the remainder of the whisky, and stared blankly at the empty glass. It reminded him of his empty life.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The viewer blazed into life, directly across from the large open plan bar area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“This is the Outer Colony News service, I am Annika Raumov; the headlines today. (these are the news headlines)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The war continues to go well for the E.D.F - Solarian Alliance. and notable Victories at the Perseus and Malthus colonies have been recorded, we take you now to General Macken of the 14th E.D.F battalion ‘Head hunters’ (?) to describe the engagements.” (with an account of the engagements)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The picture changed to a young looking man, barely in his thirties, his fatigues and camouflaged features were stained with soot and grime.[/FONT]

“Generals are getting younger everyday.” Michael pointed out; before turning his attention back to the viewer.

“Thank you. The Malthus victory was a textbook rapid deployment. Firstly E.D.F Naval forces drove the Krenaran ships back, and quickly launched god-hammer bomber squadrons to knock out any Krenaran air defences on the surface. Once this was complete; [FONT=&quot]Stockholm[FONT=&quot] landers deployed almost seven hundred troops, and one hundred armoured vehicles to the surface to commence the ground war in conjunction with God-hammer bomber raids; the colony was captured within three days.” [/FONT][/FONT]

“So they finally captured Malthus; funny how they don’t tell you the casualties.” Michael sighed.
[FONT=&quot]“Or what ships we might have lost buying their way in.” [/FONT]

The different names of the ships was a bit painful and it removes the oportunity to describe them later in more detail IMO.

Hope I helped

Tein

 

[Vargev]

Thanks culwtch

so the question is, do these national identities still even exist to such an extent? Two hundred years ago, there was no Australian identity and only a fledgling American one. Two hundred years from now? Who knows. A thousand years or more? Get creative.

Its set in 2078. And its set then mainly because i wanted to show what could happen if the tech used today was taken forward to then, for example E.D.F Naval vessels still use basic thrusters on their ships, albeit much larger than the ones used today, their primary weapons up until this book is the rail cannon, which effectively fires a shell at a target at close to the speed of light, just like a very powerful tank cannon. E.D.F ships are massive compared to most other races, but are slow, technologially backward, hard to maneuver, and under powered.

Only until the end of the third and fourth books, do humanity begin to take their place as a major power on the galactic stage, rather than being a bit power as they are in this and the previous book.

Money is still used, although its all electronic, there are no bank notes.


Perhaps they may not have their own individual national identity, but the regional accents and connotations would still apply. The example i give of this is; say one day Paddy from Ireland decides to form a colony one day, and sets off with his family, eventually he finds said colony, 500 light years from earth. Because he has an Irish accent, his family have an irish accent, therefore their ancestors would have an Irish accent also. As for a thousand years, who knows what would happen.

this might be the start of an interesting little debate actually - accents in space.

 

[Culhwch]

Well, that's not too far into the future, so it stands to reason that some current national identities stand. When I think of humans in space in the terms you're describing, I generally think far-future, so my bad. I still stand by my comment that you need to take those stereotypes and show them who's boss.

Is this quite a multi-cultural society that has developed? A one-world goverment? In that situation I do think that the stock-standard cultures would be cross-wired. I'm thinking about folks I've known here in Australia who have had parents who have moved here from Vietnam, Fiji, Japan, India, China. In most cases the parents still speak their own language primarily and speak thickly accented English, but their kids speak flawless English with Australian accents.

Which brings us to accents in space (slight derailment, but seeing as how you suggested it!) - it wouldn't take a thousand years. I think even in isolation you'd see Paddy and his kin's accent changing, and that in as few as two or three generations they would be quite obviously different to the Irish folk he'd left behind. Just as the Australian accent developed from the repatriated English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh, so would the Paddywhackers (for want of a better racial qualifier) develop their own accent and patois.

 

[Vargev]

Yep Culwtch, this is a very multi cultural society, the E.D.F can recruit from not only earth but the outer colonies as well. The reason they have gotten so large is that a percentage of the taxes paid by the outer colonies to E.O.C.A on earth, as well as Earth itself is directed straight to the E.D.F.

And you raise a very good point about the accents.

Although for me personally i already know that this is going to be the hardest of all four books to write, as this one deals with the fightback of the E.D.F-Solarian alliance, and the gradual rebuilding of the colonies that have suffered so much.

I've just re-done those first few pages, with much more scene setting put in, and adressed the accent issues.

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]E.D.F Chronicles book 2 : E.D.F Resurgent[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]By Ian Smethurst[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
1 [FONT=&quot]Micheal’s loss[/FONT][/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot]Michael Alexander was sat at the bar of the ‘black hole’, a bar-come-meeting place aboard Delta base. It was a reasonably large open plan area, and one of the more popular haunts on the station. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Surprisingly, it escaped major damage from the utter devastation wrought on the massive installation by repeated Krenaran attacks just over eight months ago. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Even now repairs were still ongoing in some of the more badly damaged sections of the station. It was finally adjudged by E.D.F command that it was sufficiently operational again to resume its role as fleet command installation for the navy barely three weeks ago.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Although right now the black hole was quiet, only a handful of other men talked and drank. In the background soft jazz music was playing, though Michael; not being particularly schooled in the jazz players, had no idea who played it. He had come here for one purpose, and one purpose alone; to forget. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Having just arrived back from an escort mission with a small flotilla of converted Lincoln class supply ships carrying a force of E.D.F troops from the 8th ‘black jacks’ infantry company to the fighting around the Aurelias colony.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] It had been a fairly routine mission, with only a little resistance around Aurelias itself.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He was nursing a scotch; rolling the small whisky tumbler around with his fingers and contemplating the past. Of happier times, before he had become haunted by the loss of his wife Jana, and his son Theo.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Most nights when he slept, he would dream that he was still with them; tonight would be no different.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Some nights would be worse; asleep, he would long for them to come back, seeing their faces in his dreams. Then he would awake, and know they couldn’t for they were now dead; it didn’t make it any easier, the sense of loss was devastating.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He had celebrated his 35th birthday last week; alone, nursing a scotch just as he did tonight.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Would you mind if I pulled up a chair next to you Captain?” Said a familiar Irish sounding voice. It was Lieutenant Commander Quinn Kinraid.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael silently gestured for the tall, ginger haired man to have a seat.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Quinn had been chosen to be second officer on board the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot], after Televis had been placed in command of the Solarian battle cruiser Faeriath.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He had been personally chosen by Michael; they had been long time friends, but also Kinraid was a hell of an officer and could more than handle the ship when Michael wasn’t around.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“You’re looking kind of down to me sir, if you beg my pardon.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I miss them Quinn……..I miss them a lot.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“It is the tragedy of war, so it is; not all wounds can be healed sir.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ten months on and I still miss them. I remember them like they were still here.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael and Quinn had already talked about the deaths of Jana and Theo, although Quinn had barely been serving on the [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] a little over a month. The commander had explained that at an early age, he had lost his mother in a chemical leak at a local research laboratory in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Aberdeen[/FONT][FONT=&quot], and had spent the rest of his years before the E.D.F with his father in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dublin[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael drained what remained of the whisky, and stared blankly at the empty glass. It reminded him of his empty life.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The viewer blazed into life, directly across from where the two were sat, the brightness of the screen cast an almost eerie glow across the bar; as well as the two men’s faces.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“This is the Outer Colony News service, I am Annika Raumov; the headlines today.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The war continues to go well for the E.D.F - Solarian Alliance, and notable victories at the Perseus and Malthus colonies have been recorded. We take you now to General Macken of the 14th E.D.F battalion ‘Head hunters’ to describe the engagements.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The picture changed to a young looking man, barely in his thirties, his camouflaged features stained with the soot and grime of battle.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Generals are getting younger everyday.” Michael pointed out, before turning his attention back to the viewer.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Thank you. The Malthus victory was a textbook rapid deployment. Firstly E.D.F and Solarian naval forces drove the Krenaran ships back, and quickly launched god-hammer bomber squadrons to knock out any Krenaran air defences on the surface. Once this was complete [FONT=&quot]Stockholm[/FONT][FONT=&quot] landers deployed almost seven hundred troops and one hundred armoured vehicles to the surface, to commence the ground war in conjunction with God-hammer bomber raids; the colony was re-captured within three days.” [/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“So they finally re-took Malthus.” Michael raised an eyebrow. “funny how they don’t tell you the casualties.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Or what ships we might have lost buying their way in.” [/FONT]

 

[Vargev]

For those who were looking for the hook, i've decided to post a little bit more, mainly because i hadn't typed that part up yet from my notes.

[FONT=&quot]“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning.” Michael said suppressing a sigh.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow Captain.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]And with that Kinraid watched the remainder of the outer colony news, while Michael returned to his quarters. His new officers quarters was located on deck 14, forward section of Delta base. It was considerably smaller than his previous family quarters, the deck where that was located was still not fully repaired yet. However his new place was nicely laid out with a large comfortable bed, an opulent lounge and separate eating area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael undressed, and slid into bed, and settled down to his usual restless nights sleep.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The next morning arrived, he awoke, got dressed, had a small but appetising breakfast, and headed to one of the myriad briefing rooms on the upper sections of the station to attend the briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Come in Captain.” The deep voiced Admiral spoke.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael filed into the dimly lit briefing room, it was deceptively large. There was a large oval table which was lit; and surrounded by chairs, and there was a large viewer on one wall. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael saluted the man, who was in his mid forties, with slightly greying hair; and sat down at this large table.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“How is your new second officer, Kinraid isn’t it?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Yes Admiral, he is proving to be an excellent officer sir.” Michael replied, wondering what exactly the admiral was getting at.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Good, because you’ll need him, orders have just come through from E.D.F command; they are preparing a big push towards Gamma IV. The Krenarans in that area have not yet captured Echo base, but Krenaran ship numbers in that area have increased dramatically over the past few weeks. We think they are building for an attack on Echo base itself, and if that base falls it could swing the entire war back in their favour.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael knew the stakes were high; Echo base was the primary base for the engineering services. As well as the main shipyard for the navy; without it, repairs to naval vessels would be drastically cut as they would have to rely much more heavily on the smaller, less equipped substations. It also supplied a vast proportion of armoured support, arms and equipment to the Troop division.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“What kinds of ground forces do they have there Admiral?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The majority of the 3rd armoured company the “Hells angels”, as well as a sizeable proportion of the E.D.F commandoes; led by your old buddy Colonel Vargev.” The Admiral smiled.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael chuckled a little, remembering his exploits with the enigmatic and notorious former Major Vargev.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Something funny Captain?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Err…no sir, its just I haven’t heard from Colonel Vargev since we were both promoted together.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] is cleared to depart at [/FONT][FONT=&quot]18:00[/FONT][FONT=&quot] hours with the sixth battlegroup, made up of the Jupiter class assault carrier Hermes, the Danitza class battleships defiant and vengeance, four [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jefferson[/FONT][FONT=&quot] class heavy destroyers……anyway the full fleet lists are on here.”

The Admiral passed him a disc for his data navigator. Which he slid into a pocket on his uniform.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“However you are to join with a second battlegroup at wolf 359, together there will be nearly two hundred E.D.F and Solarian ships taking part in this operation captain, and we expect heavy resistance.....one last thing, Solarian intelligence has picked up on this Krenaran.”
The Admiral pointed to a display showing a fuzzy image of a massive Krenaran, with mechanical legs. His sheer size dwarfed the other Krenarans in the picture, who at eight feet tall were not small either.
“All we know is his name is Alax, and we think he is in command of the Krenaran military. The Solarians are scared stiff of this guy, and we believe he may be operating around Gamma IV. We have designated him an Alpha level threat, if we should locate him or find out the ship he is on, we are authorised to terminate with extreme prejudice. That will be all Captain.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Michael stood and saluted the admiral, and left the briefing room.[/FONT]

 

[chrispenycate]

For those who were looking for the hook, i've decided to post a little bit more, mainly because i hadn't typed that part up yet from my notes.

[FONT=&quot]“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning.” Michael said suppressing a sigh.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow Captain.”

And with that Kinraid watched the remainder of the outer colony news, while Michael returned to his quarters. His new officers

officer's, and since "quarters" is plural, "were"

quarters was located on deck 14, forward section of Delta base. It was considerably smaller than his previous family quarters,

this needs to be at least a semicolon here, but really the bit after the comma has no continuity with the beginning. I suppose you could "previous family quarters, on a deck not yet fully repaired"

the deck where that was located was still not fully repaired yet. However his new place was nicely laid out with a large comfortable bed, an opulent lounge and separate eating area.

Michael undressed, and

don't need this "and"

slid into bed, and settled down to his usual restless nights

night's

sleep.

The next morning arrived,

semicolon probably

he awoke, got dressed, had a small but appetising breakfast, and headed to one of the myriad briefing rooms on the upper sections of the station to attend the briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie.

“Come in Captain.

comma, and lower case "t"

” The deep voiced Admiral spoke.

Michael filed into the dimly lit briefing room,

semicolon

it was deceptively large. There was a large oval table which was lit;

at most a comma here

and surrounded by chairs, and there was a large viewer on one wall.

Michael saluted the man, who was in his mid forties, with slightly greying hair;

no semicolon

and sat down at this large table.

“How is your new second officer,

question mark

Kinraid isn’t it?”

“Yes Admiral, he is proving to be an excellent officer

comma here, and the full stop after should be changed for a comma, too.

sir.” Michael replied, wondering what exactly the admiral was getting at.

“Good, because you’ll need him,

Full stop

orders have just come through from E.D.F command; they are preparing a big push towards Gamma IV. The Krenarans in that area have not yet captured Echo base, but Krenaran ship numbers in that area have increased dramatically over the past few weeks. We think they are building for an attack on Echo base itself, and if that base falls it could swing the entire war back in their favour.”

sentence a bit heavy in repetitions

Michael knew the stakes were high; Echo base was the primary base for the engineering services. As well as the main shipyard for the navy; without it, repairs to naval vessels would be drastically cut as they would have to rely much more heavily on the smaller, less equipped substations. It also supplied a vast proportion of armoured support, arms and equipment to the Troop division.

“What kinds of ground forces do they have there Admiral?”[

“The majority of the 3rd armoured company

comma

the “Hells angels”, as well as a sizeable proportion of the E.D.F commandoes; led by your old buddy Colonel Vargev.” The Admiral smiled.

Michael chuckled a little, remembering his exploits with the enigmatic and notorious former Major Vargev.

“Something funny

comma

Captain?”

“Err…no sir, its

it's

just I haven’t heard from Colonel Vargev since we were both promoted together.”

“The Liberty is cleared to depart at 18:00 hours with the sixth battlegroup, made up of the Jupiter class assault carrier Hermes, the Danitza class battleships defiant and vengeance,

Capitalise names for battleships (capital ships, after all)

four Jefferson class heavy destroyers……anyway the full fleet lists are on here.”

The Admiral passed him a disc for his data navigator.

no full stop

Which he slid into a pocket on his uniform.

“However you are to join with a second battlegroup at wolf 359, together

perhaps "altogether"?

there will be nearly two hundred E.D.F and Solarian ships taking part in this operation

comma

captain, and we expect heavy resistance.....one last thing,

I think no comma

Solarian intelligence has picked up on this Krenaran.”
The Admiral pointed to a display showing a fuzzy image of a massive Krenaran, with mechanical legs. His sheer size dwarfed the other Krenarans in the picture,Possibly remove this comma, and put a pair before and after "at eight feet tall" who at eight feet tall were not small either.
“All we know is his name is Alax, and we think he is in command of the Krenaran military. The Solarians are scared stiff of this guy, and we believe he may be operating around Gamma IV. We have designated him an Alpha level threat, if we should locate him or find out the ship he is on, we are authorised to terminate with extreme prejudice. That will be all

comma

Captain.”

Michael stood and saluted the admiral, and left the briefing room.

[/FONT]

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

a bar-come-meeting place aboard Delta base

Actually, the phrase you want is "bar-cum-meeting place," meaning a bar plus meeting place.

cum - Definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Of course, you may be a little uncomfortable with what have become the more common sexual associations of the word -- in which case, I suggest that you rephrase.

You really need to learn how to punctuate you dialogue properly -- learn the rules, and not depend on someone like chris to fix your mistakes on a case-by-case basis.

For instance:

“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning.” Michael said suppressing a sigh.

It should be:

“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning,” Michael said, suppressing a sigh.

and

“Yes Admiral, he is proving to be an excellent officer sir.” Michael replied, wondering what exactly the admiral was getting at.

It should be:

“Yes Admiral, he is proving to be an excellent officer sir,” Michael replied, wondering what exactly the admiral was getting at.

The comma needs to be there because it's all one sentence. As you have it, the second part of the sentence ends up as a sentence fragment.

When you are submitting your work to publishers, you need to know how this is done, because an error of this kind repeated again and again will quickly convince an agent or an editor that you don't know what you are doing. They will never get far enough to find out what you can do.


Also, in places your formatting is still wrong. Please don't keep posting from this without reading the sticky on the subject and taking the time, the next time you post a piece of it, to correct the problem wherever it appears before you hit "Submit."

 

[Vargev]

Thanks chris.

Thank you for your input Theresa, however i never actually depend on anybody to fix my mistakes, i always endeavour to find and fix whatever mistakes i make myself.

As for my manuscripts, i always write the entire novel out in note form first, then type the whole thing up again on computer, reviewing and checking as i go, then i re-read and check all over again. and only when i am absolutely satisfied that i cannot get it anymore polished than it is, do i then submit to agents/publishers.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Thank you for your input Theresa, however i never actually depend on anybody to fix my mistakes, i always endeavour to find and fix whatever mistakes i make myself.

You have neatly ignored* the first, and most important, part of my sentence.

You really need to learn how to punctuate your dialogue properly -- learn the rules

Since you consistently punctuate your dialogue in the wrong way, you don't seem to have endeavored to correct that particular mistake at all, and my suggestion was that you do so.

It amazes me when new authors start sending out their work to publishers when they have not even mastered such simple basics.



*And on the subject of ignoring advice, please don't ignore what I said about formatting. That can be enforced.

 

[Culhwch]

I heartily agree with Teresa on all points - you've got to be able to nail the little things like punctuation. It really shouldn't be something that you're correcting in the second or third or fourth draft. It should be second nature...

While we're talking about dialogue punctuation, and going back to Teresa's examples:

“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning,” Michael said, suppressing a sigh.

I'd have punctuated this:

“Well, Lieutenant, I am going to retire...

This may be entirely because I have an unhealthy relationship with the comma. Thoughts?

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

This may be entirely because I have an unhealthy relationship with the comma. Thoughts?

No, you are right. I was concentrating on the issue of connecting the dialogue tags and wasn't paying attention. "Lieutenant" is, of course, a peranthetical remark addressing Kinraid, and has nothing to do with the rest of the sentence. Because of that, as you rightly point out, it belongs between commas.

I would say that you have a healthy respect for the comma.