An Unnamed Chunk of Fiction

[Ranwulf]

I haven't written anything for a while, so I decided to plop down and do just that. This is what I spun out. Is it written well? And more importantly, do you think it's worth developing into a story?

The sun was right at the top of the sky by the time he woke up, shining down stingingly from a completely clear expanse of blue. Birds chirped back and forth, but something wasn't right about their song, it sounded…different. He didn't understand how he could tell, but they sounded nervous.

His head was ringing as if some sort of alarm was sounding within, and he felt like he had slept in a terrible position, but he was able to ease himself into a sitting position, his green eyes scanning the area as his neck protested painfully to even the slightest movement.

He was in an odd grove, barely wide enough to turn donuts in a car, a piece of forest completely surrounded by dry vegetation and majestic oaks, and strange, bluish trees built about the same way. The ground was carpeted generously with soft and perfectly healthy grass, uniform enough to appear regularly mowed. No more than ten feet away stood an old stone well with a bucket, oddly out of place in the middle of such a place.

The boy stood slowly, becoming dizzy, but making it to his feet without too much difficulty. He wore no shoes, but the grass was warm from the heat of the sun and soft as silk; it felt absolutely heavenly against his bare soles. He slunk over to the well and leaned on its edge, looking down into the water hidden beneath the earth. Where the hell am I?

As if to answer, the water began to boil and froth viciously. He stepped back in fright. There was a giant spout of water, knocking him onto his back in disbelief. A tiny creature emerged from the temporary mist, appearing made of the water that birthed it. It was shaped a bit like a sea horse and was about as tall as a boot. It was friendly looking, but the boy couldn't help but impulsively demand, "What are you?!" as he stared with his mouth wide open.

"I don't know, who are you?" the creature chirped in retort, apparently remaining aloft above the ground by the power of two silvery, but far too small, wings.

He tried to say his name, but he couldn't unlodge it from the tip of his tongue, couldn't quite remember. He put a finger on his lower lip and stared at the ground between his legs, struggling to find an answer, his nose wrinkled like a scientist in deep thought. He gave up after a few moments in hopelessness, "I…I…don't know."

The creature tilted its head to the side in interest. "Really? I'm not supposed to know mine, but if you don't know your's either, that's actually a great thing!"

He looked up, perplexed, question clear across his features, his expression demanding elaboration.

The odd seahorse entity tilted its head to the other side. "It means there are plans for you, more specific than for the rest."

"Wait, wait," The boy started, "you know more than I do, what's going on?"

The creature's voice changed a little bit, to a mixture of solemnity and reverence. "The worlds were becoming crowded, the people lost sympathy for them, began destroying them. The cycle ended, the time to start anew has begun."

 

[shadowbox]

I rarely feel confident enough to do critiques, but as you felt confident enough to post I will give it a crack.

The sun was right at the top of the sky by the time he woke up, shining down stingingly from a completely clear expanse of blue. Birds chirped back and forth, but something wasn't right about their song, it sounded…different. He didn't understand how he could tell, but they sounded nervous.

I understand where you are going but it reads a little awkwardly. Now, always take critiques with your own point of view but I think it might read better like this :

The sun had risen to its peak when he woke, shining down stingingly from the vast expanse of blue. Birds twittered, chirping back and forth, but something felt different in there song, it sounded...different. He didn't understand how he could tell, but they defiantly sounded nervous.

His head was ringing as if some sort of alarm was sounding within, and he felt like he had slept in a terrible position, but he was able to ease himself into a sitting position, his green eyes scanning the area as his neck protested painfully to even the slightest movement.

This isn't bad, I wouldn't use the word 'position' twice, and you need some commas. Not to mention this is one big run on sentence( my biggest problem, too! ) The easiest thing to fix though!, Try this.


His head was ringing, as if some sort of alarm was sounding within it. Easing himself from up, for he had slept terribly, his green eyes scanned the area, though his neck protested painfully to even the slightest movement.

He was in an odd grove, barely wide enough to turn donuts in a car, a piece of forest completely surrounded by dry vegetation and majestic oaks, and strange, bluish trees built about the same way. The ground was carpeted generously with soft and perfectly healthy grass, uniform enough to appear regularly mowed. No more than ten feet away stood an old stone well with a bucket, oddly out of place in the middle of such a place.
"

Maybe like this? Again, double word play ( this time 'place' at the end.)

He woke in a grove, an expanse of vegetation barely wide enough to turn donuts in a car in. Dense with majestic oaks and too, strange bluish trees about built about the same way. The ground was carpeted generously with soft, healthy grass, uniform enough to appear regularly mowed. No more then teen feet from where he lay stone an old well, with a bucket, oddly out of place in the middle of a forest.




I had done the whole thing but my computer messed up before I finished, so I could only do some this time. Sorry, and again these are just ideas. I wouldn't hold any of my grammatical influences to heart, because I am surprised I can spell the word THE. I like the story, I hope you post more. I love new creatures!

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I haven't written anything for a while, so I decided to plop down and do just that. This is what I spun out. Is it written well? And more importantly, do you think it's worth developing into a story?

The sun was right at the top of the sky by the time he woke up, shining down stingingly(? too clumsy, also it could read as he was doing the shining not the sun) from a completely clear expanse of blue. Birds chirped back and forth, but something wasn't right about their song, it sounded…different. He didn't understand how he could tell, but they sounded nervous.(different you could get away with - he could be in an area where he was unfamiliar with the type of bird song. Not sure I understand the mechanics of a nervous bird song. Now the birds could be silent and that might be strange if they are visible.)

His head was ringing as if some sort of alarm was sounding (a bit tame, how about ringing like a Westminster chime or felt like someone was using a hammer drill right between his eyes or...) within, and he felt like he had slept in a terrible position, but he was able to ease himself into a sitting position, his green eyes scanning the area as his neck (head?) protested painfully to even the slightest movement.

He was in an odd grove, barely wide enough to turn donuts in a car, (you use a few strange analogies, who would be doing doughnuts in a forest grove and how does it relate to the space because I'm none the wiser as to how big it is) a piece of forest completely surrounded by dry vegetation and majestic oaks, (do you mean a clearing surrounded by dry vegetation) and strange, bluish trees built about the same way(???). The ground was carpeted generously with soft and perfectly healthy grass, uniform enough to appear regularly mowed. No more than ten feet away (ten foot doughnuts?) stood an old stone well with a bucket, oddly out of place in the middle of such a place. (not so unlikely, Now a shiny French auto toilet - that would be strange but an old well seems just right to me)

The boy stood slowly, becoming dizzy, but making it to his feet without too much difficulty. He wore no shoes, but the grass was warm from the heat of the sun and soft as silk; it felt absolutely heavenly against his bare soles. He slunk (staggered - unless he's turned cat burglar ) over to the well and leaned on its edge, looking down into the water hidden (? hidden - try leaned over the edge to see his reflection gawping up at him.) beneath the earth. Where the hell am I?

As if to answer, the water began to boil and froth viciously. He stepped back in fright. There was a giant spout of water, knocking him onto his back in disbelief. A tiny creature emerged from the temporary mist, appearing (to be) made of the water that birthed it. It was shaped (looked) a bit like a sea horse and was about as tall as a boot (about a foot tall). It was friendly looking, but the boy couldn't help but impulsively demand, "What are you?!" as he stared with his mouth wide open. (no you can blurt out a question. It's devilishly difficult to do it with your mouth wide open in shock)

"I don't know, who are you?" the creature chirped in retort, apparently remaining aloft above the ground by the power of two silvery, but far too small, wings. (the wings deserve more than an after thought)

"

Sorry had to stop here, before I fall asleep (5am).

It's an interesting beginning and I can see that you will have some fun playing the two characters against each other with plenty of opportunity for banter.

I hope my comments don't discourage you, I would certainly develop it further.

 

[Ranwulf]

I hope my comments don't discourage you.

Never. This is a crucial part of the process Thanks.

And you too Shadowbox.