Imperfect Balance - [Original] Chapter 1 (7.9K Words)

[Trachmyr]

First I want to thank those who have given their time to read even a portion of this post. I appreciate any comments or critiques you care to give.


This is the original first draft of chapter 1 in the novel I'm currently working on. Since it was first written, only the core concepts of this chapter remain. The details and events have been changed significantly to better fit with my unified vision of the Selk people and the story the protagonist will follow. Thus I feel (somewhat) confident that posting this chapter will not impact negatively if I try to have the story published in the future.

I welcome all forms of critique, and while I do not expect anyone to grammar check it's entirety, I would appreciate suggestions on any glaring errors, but more importantly, errors that I repeat often as part of my writing style.

I welcome your thoughts on the story, and ask in particular... what questions seemed unanswered or important details seem left out.

Finally, I ask you... does this story, and my ability to tell it warrant the time and effort required to turn this story into a full novel?

Thank you again for your time and consideration,
Trachmyr

---------------------------------
1​

"That’s our catch", my mother called out as she dragged the bulging net out of the river. By looks of the wiggling fishnet on the opposite shore, it was an excellent catch, probably twice our draw. Well, at least I have something to do now. Slipping into the water where I had been sitting, dangling my feet, I pushed off the rocks and glided across the narrow river chokepoint.


My mother had already opened the net and began balancing; we keep the big fish, and return the small ones to the river. I pulled myself over the bank and sat at the river’s edge, and began casually sorting the fish within my reach.


"Why so sad Meeshu?", my mother’s eyes ducking down to catch my own.


Looking back at her, I realize my hand had been meandering, not really sorting at all. How do I ask her without sounding uncaring? I love the river, and we’ve only been here a short time before we made our draw, like everyday. I know she can’t work for long, the Weakness takes her strength, but why can’t I stay? I’ve seen a full hand of floods, I might even be able to join the Fisher’s House next year. I’m careful and keep my ears open… unlike Tory, and she’s allowed to swim the river by herself. But, I just can’t ask. I don’t want her to feel bad, not after everything she’s…


"You want to stay", her words snapped me back from my thoughts.


Was that a question? Looking into her eyes, I’m not sure if to answer. I can only stammer and fidget, conscious of the dull pain caused from biting my lower lip


She smiles that warm smile that always lets me know that everything’s fine. "I guess you can stay", she motions me to look over her shoulder. My eyes catch on the tall chimney of the block kiln. "But come home right away when you see the kiln fire, say yes?"


I nod right away and smile. "I’ll be home before the ash lands!"


She walks over to me and gently places her hand upon my cheek. "Good, I don’t want to worry too long", she says with a soft smile.


I hug her tightly. "Don’t worry, I’ll keep my ear open." Then a thought breaks the mood as I pull away, look up and worry. "But the fish, they’ll be heavy… I should…"


"Shhh…", the sound escaping softly from her lips. "I feel good today, I’ll be fine. So now don’t you worry. Say yes."


I feel guilty though, both for letting her carry them by herself and for doubting that she can. "Yes", I say determinedly. "But if you need me just call. I’ll have my ears open, remember."


"Good", her expression relaxes. She leans down, gathers our draw, and slings the net over her shoulder. I watch her as she begins off down the river towards home. "And don’t wander from the river", she calls out without looking back. I watch her walk for a while until she is swallowed by the trees of the rainforest. So this is what it feels like to be on your own. It doesn’t feel like I thought it would.


I’ve been standing here for a long time, just staring at the small rapids made by the water as it passes over the rocks. I’m afraid, I’m afraid to go in to the river. I don’t understand it, I was raised in the river… I was born in the river, and for the first time in my life I’m afraid of the river. I want to go back, if I ran I could probably still catch up to my mother. I could tell her I just wanted to help her carry our draw for the day, but she would know. She wouldn’t say anything, but she would know.


Something splashes up from the river, a wave of water hitting me and catching me completely by surprise. My heart holds it’s breath and I can only stare at the waves, terrified of what is coming for me.


Laughter erupts from the water, I don’t understand why the river is laughing. Then I see her… Tory! Finally able to breathe, I scream "That’s not nice! You scarred the breath out of…".


I slap my hand over my eyes and shake my head. Oh, I didn’t just say that… She’ll never let me forget this now. I’ll be old and dying and I’ll still be hearing about how she snuck up on me when my ears were closed and scared the breath out of me. My very first time on my own and Tory ambushes me, the loudest most impulsive person I know catches me with my ears closed. This is not a good day.


"Scared you, scared you!", she chants from the water, pointing and laughing, still splashing me with relentless waves of her hands. Finally she falls silent, although her smirking smile is just as irritating as her voice.


Balling my fists and making the most serious face I can make, I yell "That’s it! You better dive now cause you’re gonna get it!" It must have been pretty convincing, because her smile disappeared and her eyes went wide. She dove under the water and spun about, trying to escape as I lunged in after her.


She might have had a head start on me, and she might be quick, but I’m quicker. My family has always been the fastest, especially in the water; No one can catch us, and no one can get away. Even Jolie and her daughters with their oversized flipper feet can’t compete, they could even grow a fishes’ tail and I’d still outrace them.


Of course now, I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do when I catch her; I hate to admit it, but she’s stronger and a better wrestler, even though she’s smaller than me. But for now she’s not laughing, and that’s the only thing that matters.


Tory stayed towards the bottom of the riverbed, her stormy-colored body sinuously flowing between the rocks and plants, hoping that I would lose sight of her. She was ‘swimming thinly’, her clothes probably on shore somewhere downstream. She was so bad at weaving that her clothes would unravel as soon as she got in the water. Now I wasn’t much better, but I’m not that bad. Luckily I don’t have to worry about it, the clothes I’m wearing were a gift from Lina, and her weaves will last a lifetime.


With Tory quiet and not making a pest of herself, I have to admit she’s kind of cute. She might be small, but she’s graceful and athletic. Her hair is striking, though black in color like all Selks, she has streaks of white that stretch from her temples, around her ears, then down it’s short length. Ugh, what am I saying, this is Tory! Besides, she’ll open her mouth and all of her cuteness will disappear along with my patience.


Almost… just an inch closer. Reaching out for her ankle, I almost have a grip on her when she suddenly darts upwards, and just out of my reach. I realize the reason for her sudden direction change too late. Focusing on catching her, I didn’t see the large school of mullet swimming directly for us. Plunging headlong through the school, the fish scatter and dart all around me, disorienting and obscuring my sight. I lost sight of her, but only for a moment. From the corner of my eye I catch her silhouette, illuminated by the rising sun. She’s doubled back and skimming just below the river‘s surface; Probably thinking that she lost me in the confusion.


I’ll dive deep and catch her by surprise from underneath. That will balance what she did to me earlier, I decide with a grin.


It’s not long before Tory slows her pace. Good, that means she hasn’t noticed me yet. With a few powerful kicks, I dash straight upwards through the water, catching her completely off guard. I grab her by the waist, with the force of my ascent taking us almost completely out of the water before we fall back into the river. I managed to spin her completely around in the collision, hopefully throwing her off balance, giving me the edge in the struggle to come.


At first I had the advantage, by wrapping my arms and legs around her body, I had her pinned for moment as we sank towards the bottom. But then she pinched the webbing between my fingers, and yanked… hard. I let go of her instantly, the webbing pulled back against my fingers due to the pain forcing her to let go. She kicked off, using this opportunity to head back to the surface.


I was right behind her, and we tussled for a while longer. We both were trying to get a hold of each other while slapping away the other’s hands, but it wasn’t long before we both broke into laughter. Now our fight has just become a splashing contest, as the two of us laugh and play.


I can’t help but think that maybe I’ve been to hard on Tory. I always thought our people let her off too easy when ever she pulls one of her pranks. I know she lost her mother when she was young, the Sallow ambushed a gathering party of Selks while they were dredging for peat in the mangroves. Her mother was one of the handful of Selks that were killed. I remember the memory service for those who passed into dreams. I remember Tory’s face, flowing with tears and loss, as they placed her mother’s body within the kiln. Lina told me that Tory and her mother were very close, much like me and my mother. Since her passing however, Tory’s become a different person who won‘t let anyone get too close. I guess I can understand. Maybe I should try to become friends with Tory, she really doesn’t seem that bad, maybe I was wrong about…


Tory was smiling, a smile so wide that I lost track of my thoughts. Her eyes shone in the morning light, she was so pretty. Then she opened her mouth, "I still scared the breath out of you, I think I’ll tell the story at dinner tonight. I’m sure everyone will find it as funny as I do", she said as her smile turned into a toothy grin.


I sprung at her, but she dodged to the side and all I got was a face full of water as she splashed me in anticipation of my reaction. I was about to teach her a lesson, but we both came to a stop in an instant as our ears opened up in alarm.


It was the snare net’s bell, ringing out a warning of possible danger. The snare net is placed downstream, and used to catch crocodiles coming up from the ocean or mangroves that manage to get past the heavier screen net a bit further down. Unlike the screen net, the snare net is designed to come loose from it’s moorings when something large pushes on it, collapsing around the intruder and trapping it at the bottom of the river.


I’ve always been told to be careful when the alarm sounds, to get out of the water immediately and find a group of fishers or even a sentry. Although I’ve never seen a snare net catch anything except for persistent schools of mullet or a fallen branch, I’ve had dreams and heard stories of giant crocodiles being trapped in the nets. Crocodiles used to be a big worry for fishers in the river until they put up the nets, but that was long ago; Now crocodiles are pretty rare, and only the small ones make it past the nets anymore.


I was out of the water before the bell stopped ringing, but Tory lingered. Her ears were up, and she stared down the river with a wild look on her face.


"Tory! Get out of the water, get out now. We have to go find a sentry to check the net!" I tried franticly to get her attention, "Tory, get out of the water!"


Finally she began to tread over to the riverbank, but her gaze never turned from the direction of the nets. I extended my hand to help her out, surprisingly she accepted. As I pulled her up, she suddenly grabbed me by the arms and snapped her gaze to me. "Let’s go check it out", she pleaded.


"Tory, no. We need to find a sentry, that’s the rules." I could tell she wasn’t listening to me before I had even finished speaking. She just let go of my arms and began running towards the snare nets.


I know I should let her go and just find a sentry like I’m suppose to do. This is my fist time on my own, and I’ve already been snuck up on, I can’t break the rules too. Then came the dream…


It was evening, the rain was coming down in sheets, and the chatter of lories sung in the trees. It would likely flood before nightfall, but that did not alleviate the craving in my belly. Bananas, such a silly food, you could eat bushels and still starve with an full belly; But they tasted so good. I never tried one until a few days ago, I always laughed at those you tried to feed their hunger with fruits and coconut milk, but I never realized their taste. I’ve had this craving for days now, and the tree that they grow on can’t be that far away now.


I was told where they were, and while straying so far from the river can be dangerous, I’m sure that I’m almost here. They might even be right in front of me, but with all this rain I could walk right pass them. Hopefully Kella has better eyes than I do.


I turn back to check on her, and find that she’s fallen behind again. I can barely make out her silhouette in this storm, so I wait a moment for her to catch up.


"Brother", she calls, "This is too dangerous, we are not to travel into this valley during storms like this. You know what can happen."


I can see the concern on her face, and she’s right of course. I know I should turn back, this valley is low and prone to flooding under such rains. The water comes from the mountains and can wash away those who are caught in it before there’s a chance to react.


"Brother", this time her voice is pleading, "We have to turn back, we cannot take this risk, there are too many that count on us. I cannot take this risk."


I could hear the decision in her voice, she would go no further. Why should she, she has two children to take care of, why would she risk that for some silly fruit. It’s better that she goes anyway, I can take care of myself, but I could not bear it if something were to happen to her. She could make it back to our people from here without difficulty, she often comes here looking for medicines. She will be fine, I will be fine; I will find what I came here for, my prize will not elude me.


I turn from her without a word and continue on my search. I can hear her calling as I leave, pleading for me to turn around, but soon her voice fades under the torrent of rain. Nothing will happen I assure myself, and if something does, then I’m clever enough to find a solution.


It’s been sometime now since Kella turned back, and the rain hasn’t let up at all, and no sign of those silly fruits. I seen no end of breadfruit trees, but even the thought of those is enough to turn my stomach.


The valley seems more like a marsh as I slosh my way through the thick forest vegetation. I wonder if the Sallow might come to this place in a time like this, though they rarely leave the mangroves, this place isn’t much different right now. I wouldn’t want anyone to know it, but I am a bit scared right now, I sort of wish Kella would have stayed. But I have to go forward, I simply can’t return empty handed, how would that look?


There… I think I saw some. I rush over, seemingly pushing back the forest with a wave of my hand. This is it, a stand of at least twenty trees amongst a thicket of bamboo. As I stare up into the reaches of the tree closest, I see one… no two bushels reachable with an easy climb.


Taking a moment to size up the tree and get my nails firmly within it’s soft trunk, I then hoist myself up in just a few simple bounds. Reaching from the belt at my waist, I pull out a sack I had brought with me. It should be large enough to hold both bushels I think, though it might take some effort to get them all to fit. Removing each fruit one by one and dropping it into the sack, I start claiming my prize. That’s when I noticed it… the lories have fallen silent.


I feel the coldness of fear well up inside me and I try without success to swallow. Opening my ears I can hear the rumble. I cling frozen to my perch, knowing and fearing what was to come.


Usually only the river and it’s banks are dangerous during a flood, but this valley lies below another river which winds down a ridge above. During a flood, the riverbank will overflow and the runoff pour down the ridge into the valley. Here is one of the most dangerous spots as it lies at the base of that ridge. The approaching sound reminds me of this danger.


I never saw the surge that washed over me, it came so fast, and the supple tree forced to bear my weight gave into the torrent without a struggle. I had never been caught in a flood before, but I was always certain that I’d be able to swim it, to tame it. The force however, was something I could not have imagined. I quickly lost all sense of direction, I could not even tell which way was up or down. The plants and trees washed away with the surge danced around me, and the water was darker than any I had ever seen. I was carried by the surge for only a short distance before I came to be where I am now. I know I am in pain, but I can feel only numbness, buried under a wave of dark water.


I can now make some sense of where I am, I can feel which way my body want to float up, but I’m trapped. I think it’s my leg, maybe it caught on something. I’m not sure though, I can’t feel what’s wrong, but somehow I know there’s pain.


With the head of the surge passed, I think I can make out some details in this murky water. My leg… It’s not just trapped… it’s crushed between a tree and a massive branch that was washed down by the surge. My knee is twisted around pointing in the wrong direction from my leg.


This can’t be happening, this couldn’t have happened. It can’t be as it looks, it just can’t be. My stomach doesn’t feel well, like after drinking that pepper root drink that Kella likes so much. I feel cold and weak, I have to look away from my leg. A moment or two and I’ll regain myself, I just have to stay calm and think.


I tried to free my leg, to wiggle loose and ignore the pain. I tried to shift the branch, to rock it enough so that I could slip my leg out; The branch was to heavy, and too firmly wedged.


The water is still over my head, I’m fine now, but I burned a lot of energy trying to free myself. If I relax and stay calm, I can still hold out for a while. Maybe the water will recede… maybe Kella will come.


Relaxing isn’t easy for me. It’s not the pain in my leg which is becoming more intense that distracts me. I don’t let anyone know how much I hate being alone, that’s why I keep moving, never stopping; As long as I don’t relax, I don’t realize how alone I am. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get close to anyone, I guess I just don’t want to loose anyone else… but sometimes it feels like I already lost everyone. I wish Kella was here, I wish I wasn’t alone.


A long time has passed, I’m sure it must be well into night by now, and the murky water still looms overhead. Most of the air has left my muscles now, I can hold on a bit longer, but then I wouldn’t have the strength to do what I need to… what I have to do.


I can feel my hands tremble, my resole starting to shake. No, I must do this, I can’t let my will fail. I can feel my mind go numb as I focus on my task, and my hands become steady once again. I reach at my waist and draw my knife from it sheath. It’s a fine knife, ceramic in the blade with a basalt hilt, and it holds a fine edge, serrated down it’s length. This will do I think. I place the blade firmly on my skin just above the knee that has held me pinned here for so long. I pause just a moment to rid myself of any last hesitations, then with a firm motion slash of my hand I feel the blade bite into my flesh…


The rain disappears, the water evaporates around me; I’m standing along the familiar riverbank, with only a dull pain in my leg. The dream has ended, but I’m still a bit shaken by the images, and by the sensations. I absently rub my leg, where just a moment ago a blade had penetrated. The pain recedes, and I regain my senses. Tory?


All Selks have the dream memories, our people can remember the times of our ancestors, of our parents. I have had many, and enough to know that it lasted only a few short breaths despite how long the dream seemed to have been. Tory must still be along the riverbank, running downstream towards the snare nets, I can still catch up to her if I go now.


Running down the riverbank, I can’t help but think about the dream. It was my mother’s, mother’s, father. I think his name was Kerol, but I’m not sure. He was a sentry until he lost his leg in an accident… I guess now I know how. He had to leave the sentry’s house after he lost his leg, but my grandmother took him in and took care of him. My grandmother also had the Weakness like my mother, but she and Kerol were allowed to have a child in hopes that his blood would strengthen hers. Of course that didn’t happen, but my mother didn’t show signs of the Weakness until she was pregnant with me, so at least I had a chance to be born.


I think I understand the dream, the loneliness that Kerol felt even while he tried to keep others away. Then there was the message, I can’t let Tory go off alone. If something were to happen, there would be no one there for her. But even if Kella staid with Kerol, who’s to say that things would have been better, perhaps Kella would have been hurt too… or worse.


I can just make out Tory off in the distance. At least I think I do, everything’s so much more blurry out of the water.


"Tory! Tory, wait up!", I yell, hoping she’ll listen to me.


So much for that, I can see her dive into the water. She’s right by the tripped snare net, as I get closer I can see that the net has fallen into the river, probably lying on the bottom now. Tory surfaces in the center of the river, looking around her like she’s searching for something.


Finally I get up to the snare net and ask, "What… was it? What’s, in the net?". My words are broken as I’m still a bit winded from my run.


She looks up at me, at last recognizing that I’m here. "I don’t know, there was nothing in the net.", I can here a bit of concern in here tone. "Probably just a branch… or maybe the moorings were loose."


Taking a different approach, calmly and firmly I try to get her to come to reason; "Maybe you’re right, but just in case why don’t you come out of the water. Here, I’ll give you a hand."


I walk to the edge of the river and crouch down, extending my hand over the edge in hopes that she’ll accept.


With a quick nod, she moves over to the bank, reaching up to take my hand. It strikes me that she seems a bit shaken, her eyes constantly darting around her. The tips of our fingers touch, she almost out.


I saw it then, gliding under the water silently and deadly. It was as I feared, and I knew it was here… the dream… the sense of dread… it all told me that it was here. It was huge, many times my own length. It’s not one of the smaller marsh crocodiles, this grey-white beast came up from the ocean. There was no way I could pull Tory up in time, the beast was coming straight for her and was almost here. I remember dreams of the monsters lunging out of the water to catch unsuspecting prey, even Selks, and that’s what was going to happen to Tory.

------------------- Continued in the next post.

 

[Trachmyr]

---Continued from the first post.

Everything happened so fast, I just now became aware of Tory flailing her fists at me, screaming and afraid. She doesn’t know. She still doesn’t know what happened, and what danger lies in the water with us.

I’ve never reacted like that before, I’ve never had my body just take over like that. I dove into the water, directly at Tory. I grabbed her as we collided, knocking her away just as the beast lunged through the water. I could feel it’s body chafe up against my legs, leathery and rough. Then it passed by, though I doubt it given up.

I wasn’t paying attention to Tory, I had more important things to worry about, namely the beast that wants us for a meal. I dipped my head under the water to clear my vision, and closed my ears so the sounds of the river would echo in my head.

First I heard it, the sounds of the beast’s tail beating against the water. My eyes followed the sound into the depths, recently stirred up from it’s passing. It was moving for us again, slowly coming up on us in another attempt at an ambush. Tory’s thrashing was drawing it’s attention like a lory to nectar, and if the beast goes after Tory, she’ll never outswim it. I might have a chance.

"Tory be quiet!", the dominance in my voice surprising me and startling Tory. "There’s a crocodile, it almost got us once, it’s coming again."

Her face grew a pale shade of grey and I could hear her swallow hard. I can’t let her know what I’m about to do, I have to draw it away. If we both try to get out of the river, who’s edge is steeper here, the beast will surely get one of us. At least this way she’ll be safe, and I’ll still have a chance to get away.

"Tory swim to that side and get out of the water", I say calmly as I point to the opposite bank, which lies closer to us now. "I’ll get out on the other side. The beast will be confused, and we’ll have time to escape."

She looks at me, her eyebrows furrowed in doubt. I don’t have the time to convince her, I’m sure it’s closer now and having my eyes off of it worries me.

In the same commanding tone I managed before, "Don’t argue, it will work. Now swim!"

As she began swimming for the river, I ducked my head back under the water. The beast was close, and it changed it course following Tory just as I thought it would. She’ll never make it out in time, she won’t even make it to the bank before it reaches her.

With the same numbing of mind and grim determination as Kerol had when he drew his knife, I raise my hands above the water’s surface as I tread the water with increased vigor. My hands collide with the water so hard that they sting from the impact. Over and over again I strike the water, trying to draw the beast towards me. My eyes, though above the river’s surface, can make out the shape of the monster heading for Tory.

Furiously I thrash my hands into the water, until finally, the beast takes the bait. Without hesitation, I turn and kick off in the water, diving just below the surface. Every small detail that I’ve learned in swimming passing through my mind, every second counts. I keep my feet pointed directly back, stretching my feet wide and flat, spreading my toes and tensing the webbing between them. Long powerful strokes of my legs, it’s not how fast you kick, it’s how much water you can push. My ears closed and pulled firmly against my head, arms tightly by my side, and holding my head up just enough to see in front of me, I keep my lines in the water straight and flowing. Shallow but long arches of my back, as I slide my body up and down through the water, giving more power to my hips. Feeling the current at my back, catching it’s motions and allowing it to carry me even faster downstream.

I don’t dare look back to see how close the beast follows, it would break my lines and slow my speed. Besides I don’t need to, I can feel the rhythmic pounding of it’s tail in my head. It’s close, so close that I can’t let myself think about. Too close to try to get out of the water, too close to try to evade. I have to think of something else.

I hear a change in the beasts rhythm, powerful strokes forcing the river at bay. It’s lunging! With a quick motion I extend out my right hand away from my body and spread out my fingers, drawing taunt the webbing between. I tilt my body to the side, arching my back increasing the drag on my right side. I’m feel thrown by the sudden change of momentum, swept around in a downward circle. My hair flows in front of my face like dark waves, and I quickly brush it aside. Now facing the beast, I watch as it sweeps just overhead, it’s jaws open in anticipation of the kill.

The beast loses momentum after it’s charge, momentarily drifting, recovering it‘s strength. Rolling on my side, I turn back swimming downstream, diving right under the beast. I need to gain as much distance between it and I before it continues it’s pursuit.

I could have taken the opportunity to double-back upstream, but I have another idea. I have to make sure the beast follows me along the bottom, if it shadows me from above I won’t stand a chance. I’ll keep my dive gentle to lure the beast down.

While I haven’t surface yet, my breath is still strong, I could stay under for quite a while longer. Unfortunately the stories I’ve heard about the monsters seem true, they can hold their strength under the water as long as we can. Before I was just hoping to outlast it, but I realize that’s not going to work. The stories also tell how the beasts can lunge out of the water, although they can’t completely breech the water… but I can. Hopefully, this will work.

It doesn’t take long to reach the river bottom, even at this shallow descent. The beast seems to haven followed me to the depths, I can hear his tail lashing from directly behind me. Carefully I weave myself through the plants, reeds and rocks scattered along the bottom; If I were to get tangled or my skirt were to snag, the monster would surely catch me. I doubt the beast has the same problem, as large as it is, it could push through the vegetation without slowing. Nimbly I slide my hands along the bottom, careful not to break my lines, and grab onto passing rocks, shoving off to gain that little extra momentum that I need. A lot of Selks have trouble pushing along the bottom, they use their palms, and before long their hands sting and chafe from the friction. The trick is to use your claws; Our thick nails can easily dig in ground and rocks without pain, they might get a bit worn, but that’s why we have them.

My wrist catches on something, it doesn’t break my stride, but I wince in pain. As I glide my arm up to grab hold of the next set of rocks, I can see the small stream of blood trickling from my arms, like red yarn flowing in the river. I wonder if my blood will make the beast even more vicious. I’ve heard tales of other creatures that go into a frenzy when there’s blood, I hope the beast following me isn’t one of those.

Ahead I can make out the crisscrossed ropes of the screen net. It’s heavy closely woven ropes designed to stop crocodiles from intruding in our part of the river. Of course it doesn’t stop the beasts from simply walking around the net, but they don’t seem smart enough to do that, except by accident. To think, all this is happening just because of an accident. Well, when I get away, everything will balance.

I’m almost at the net, I have to make sure I start surfacing just at the right time, I won’t get a second try… I won’t get a second anything if I mess up. Now’s the time. I give a quick shove off from the river floor, pulling up my body and going into a steep climb, nearly vertical.

The monster seems aggravated, it coming up at me fast. I hear the beating of it’s tail like rolling thunder in my head, matched only by the frantic pounding in my chest.

As the surface approaches, the light filtered through the tree canopy dances in front of my sight in a dazzling display, beckoning me upward. Breaking through the surface, the wind once again on my face, I arch my body, hoping my momentum will carry me over the screen net.

The net rises out of the water at a height that reaches my waist. Breaching the water a few hands high isn’t too hard for most, but only a few Selks could ever clear this distance. What’s been worrying me is… that I’m not sure I’m one of them. I couldn’t do it when I was younger, and while I’m a much stronger swimmer now, I simply haven’t tried to jump over anything even close to this height.

My breach of the surface is followed by a torrent of water, one that I could not of made. The massive gaping jaws of the creature that has pursued me for so long, erupts from the surge crashing out of the river. The beast has lunged out of the water directly below me, it’s immense body brushing up against the snare net. Looking down, my eyes focus on the rows of sharp teeth approaching ever closer.
I can feel the net scrape along my chest, cushioned only by my finely woven halter, a gift from Lina. I arch forward, bringing my stomach away from the abrasive net, and speeding my passage over it. The beast snaps it’s jaws shut, the air trembling from the force, and for the second time today, my heart holds it’s breath as my feet just barely clear the bone-crushing maws.

Crossing the net, I fall back into the river. Never before so comforted by it’s embrace. My strength is fading, but with a few short strokes I glide to the riverbank. Laying my head along the edge, and clinging to the slope, I find my arms too weak to pull myself up. I’m just breathing, finally breathing.

Turning my head, I can see the great beast now calmly floating just on the other side of the net, occasionally prodding the net, testing it’s strength. Further up the river, I can see figures running towards me. Tory is out in front, with sentries carrying spears following closely behind. Inhale… Exhale.

Tory was the first to reach me. Her mouth quivered, like she was trying to say something but couldn’t. She reached down and slid her arms under mine, clasping her hands behind my back. She strained, trying to lift me out of the water, but her feet slipped out from under her and she fell on her back, pulling me on top of her.

Rolling off of Tory, I came to rest on my back, staring up at the silvery clouds. A light rain was coming down, I hadn’t noticed it before, but it was quite refreshing. I opened my ears, and the muffled sounds of the surface began to trickle into my head.

I hear the breathy gusts of blowguns, the sentries no-doubted are hitting the beast with poisoned ceramic darts. They’ll skin the creature once it’s floating dead. We have two skilled leatherworkers in the maker’s house, but rarely do we have any leather for them to work with. After that, they’ll let the beast’s carcass float downstream, where it will be eaten in small bites by fish and crabs. I wonder if I could get some of the leather, crocodile skin is supposed to be very waterproof and durable.

Tory’s kneeling over me, talking, I try to focus on her words. "Meeshu! Meeshu! Are you hurt? You’re arm, it’s bleeding. Does it hurt? Here, let me take a look."

In her haste, she grabs my arm carelessly, causing one of her fingers to sink into the wound. I yank my arm back reflexively as I bite my lower lip to hold in the pain.

"Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…", Tory’s hands fidget not knowing what to do.

I’m bleeding. Yes, from when I caught myself on the rocks. A small stream of red trickles down from my wrist. The wound not too large, but it’s on the softer underside of my wrist, and the cut is jagged and deep. It also right where…

"My bracelet?", I ask absently, still a bit dazed by the harrowing chase. "My bracelet, the one that my mother made for me, it’s gone. I must have lost it somewhere."

Tory’s brows squint, "You’re bracelet? Meeshu, do you remember what just happened? You out swam a crocodile… you saved my life…"

I try to smile at her, but I only manage to do so weakly. Over her shoulder I catch the sight of a long plume of smoke rising into the sky. The kiln! It’s fired, I was supposed to be back already. My mother will be worried.

As my eyes sink away from the pillar of smoke, I see another figure approaching from upstream. Switching between a jog and a quick walk, I recognize the familiar form of my mother approaching.

I don’t want my mother to see me weak like this, I don’t want her to know how close I was to being eaten by that monster. Finding the strength, I manage to get to my feet, holding on to Tory’s arm for support. As my mother comes near, I straighten myself up and let go of Tory. Calling upon all the determination I possess, I take a step forward and hold my head up high. I walk, a bit timidly at first, but then with a confident stride.

As I pass the screen net, I can see the monster floating motionlessly, several darts poking out of the creature’s thick skin. The sentries don’t even notice my passing, they’re too caught up in the excitement of bring down such a huge monster.

I can see my mother’s face from here, odd how one can look so worried and relived at the same time. I watch as her eyes scan over me, then come to rest on my arm, now dyed a pale red from my own blood. Concern floods her face as she rushes forward the last few steps between us, while at the same time pulling out a cloth from a pouch at her waist.

There’s a sting at first as she presses the fabric against my wrist, but the pain quickly dulls. Quickly she turns the cloth into a tourniquet around my wrist, with a dizzying series of folds and knots.

"Meeshu, are you hurt anywhere else?", she asks as she begins to turn me around by my shoulders, trying to inspect my back.

I resist, not liking being treated like a young child. "No mom, I’m fine, and the cut’s not even that bad. It‘s just that…"

"What? What’s wrong?", my mother asks with a look of fear on her face.

"I lost my bracelet, the one you gave me. I think it got snagged on a rock somewhere in the river. I’m sorry." I turn down my head, ashamed.

The bracelet belonged to my mother, and her mother before her, and her mother before that, and so one for handfuls of generations. Each mother added a single small token to it for each child they had, like a blessing. I shouldn’t have even been given the bracelet, I’m not one who can bear children. It should be given to another child, but our people won’t allow my mother to have another baby, it might kill her.

She nearly died when I was born, but although she was sick, she still sculpted my token out of clay, even fired it herself. My token was two hands, one blue, one grey, clasping one another’s fingers. My mother said that as soon as she added my token to the bracelet, she began to feel better, and regained her strength by the next morning. I worry now that she will become sick again.

I feel her gentle hand on my face, gently rising my eyes to meet hers. "Meeshu, don’t worry about the bracelet, we’ll find it when the time is right. I only care that you’re safe and unharmed."

"But my token? What if you get sick again? It will be all my fault!", I can feel the tears stream down my face as I say the words.

Swallowed by my mother‘s embrace, she talks to me in her comforting soft tone. "Meeshu it’s you, not that bracelet that I can’t bear to lose. It’s you that made me better, our strength and our bond that balanced my sickness. The token was just a reminder of that, a reminder of something I’ll never forget. You do understand? Say yes."

Choked by emotion and buried in my mother’s arms, I can only manage a nod. So I nod, and nod, and nod, hugging my mother tightly and sobbing. So much for not acting like a little child, I think to myself as a dry laugh escapes my throat.

Just as I was starting to get comfortable, she jerks we away by my shoulders. Her face is not the comforting gentle face that can wash away fears, it’s the other face. Eyes glaring, brows furrowed and her mouth drawn to a stern frown. This is the face that scares me.

"What were you thinking! Are you crazy? Or did you just want me to fall dead from fright? For what reason were you swimming in the water with one of those monsters? Don’t you know what they do? Don’t you know how many Selks have died because of them? Didn’t you hear the warning bell, or did you play in the water anyway? Can you tell me what was going through that mind of your? Dear, I love you to death but that was the stupidest, most dangerous, most inconsiderate, and did I say stupid, thing you have ever done! So can you give me one good reason why I should ever let you out of my sight, ever again? Can you?"

I just stand here, I think more afraid now than I was in the water with the beast. I want to turn my eyes away, but I can’t break the gaze she has on me. I swallow, my throat feels dry and my stomach feel sick. I can only manage to say one thing, my voice almost disappearing. "I had to save Tory."

Watching my mother’s eyes, I can see them flicker. Her stern face seems to melt away, replaced by a bewildered look. She opens her mouth to go to speak, but she stops before anything is spoken. She just shakes her head slightly side to side, her eyes unfocused and blurry. I don’t know if what I said made things worse or better.

In a hollow voice she whispers as her face becomes gentle once again, though pained with worry, "Meeshu, please, just don’t ever scare me like that again. I can’t lose you, I just couldn’t bear to lose you, say yes." With that she closes her eyes and kisses me gently on the forehead.

Although she doesn’t seem angry anymore, I have a feeling I won’t be left on my own again for a while, a long while.

My mother turns around and puts her arm around me, and we begin to walk back home. It will be a long slow walk, but that’s fine by me, I’m kind of enjoying this.

In the distance behind us, I can hear Tory, apparently recovered from today’s harrowing adventure.

"Let me try! I’m sure I can hit it from here.", Tory’s voice downing out the reply of the sentry she’s pestering. "Come on! Please! Just one shot. I can shoot that thing better than you. Come on! Just one shot. But, why not? You’re just afraid I’m better at it than you. Then Fine! I’ll make my own stupid blowgun, and it will be the best blowgun ever. You’ll see. Then we’ll have a contest, and everyone will be laughing at you because you can’t hit anything, and I’ll hit everything you miss, and…"

I can’t help but smile and giggle. She’s kind of funny. Hmm, I wonder what story she’ll be telling tonight at dinner.


----------------End-Chapter-1-----------------------------

Thank you again for your time,
Trachmyr

 

[Pyan]

Now, this is far, far too long.
Quite apart from the length of time it would take anyone, even with the best of intentions, to critique it, if you are intending to publish it you are possibly going to run into copyright problems with so much available for free.

I strongly suggest you read the two stickies at the top of this thread, Trachmyr, and select a much smaller tranche to post. Not reading and taking note of the advice given may lead to your post being locked.

http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/1570-please-read-before-posting-guidelines-for-posting-work.html
http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/40133-if-you-ignore-this-your-post-may-be.html

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

First I want to thank those who have given their time to read even a portion of this post. I appreciate any comments or critiques you care to give.


This is the original first draft of chapter 1 in the novel I'm currently working on. Since it was first written, only the core concepts of this chapter remain. The details and events have been changed significantly to better fit with my unified vision of the Selk people and the story the protagonist will follow. Thus I feel (somewhat) confident that posting this chapter will not impact negatively if I try to have the story published in the future.

I welcome all forms of critique, and while I do not expect anyone to grammar check it's entirety, I would appreciate suggestions on any glaring errors, but more importantly, errors that I repeat often as part of my writing style.

I welcome your thoughts on the story, and ask in particular... what questions seemed unanswered or important details seem left out.

Finally, I ask you... does this story, and my ability to tell it warrant the time and effort required to turn this story into a full novel?

Thank you again for your time and consideration,
Trachmyr

---------------------------------
1​

"That’s our catch", my mother called out

comma

as she dragged the bulging net out of the river. By looks of the wiggling fishnet on the opposite shore, it was an excellent catch, probably twice our draw. Well, at least I have something to do now. Slipping into the water where I had been sitting, dangling my feet, I pushed off the rocks and glided across the narrow river chokepoint.


My mother had already opened the net and began

begun, I think; it depends whether it's associated with the "had already" or she starts at that instant

balancing; we keep the big fish, and return the small ones to the river. I pulled myself over the bank and sat at the river’s edge, and began casually sorting the fish within my reach.


"Why so sad

comma

Meeshu?", my mother’s eyes ducking

I feel this should be "ducked" or "duck", depending on whether it's past tense, like the peceding paragraphs, or present like the following

down to catch my own.

why the change of tense here?

Looking back at her, I realize my hand had

has, to be consistent

been meandering, not really sorting at all. How do I ask her without sounding uncaring? I love the river, and we’ve only been here a short time before we made our draw, like everyday. I know she can’t work for long, the Weakness takes her strength, but why can’t I stay? I’ve seen a full hand of floods, I might even be able to join the Fisher’s House next year. I’m careful and keep my ears open… unlike Tory, and she’s allowed to swim the river by herself. But, I just can’t ask. I don’t want her to feel bad, not after everything she’s…


"You want to stay", her words snapped me back from my thoughts.

back to past tense

Was that a question?

and present again

Looking into her eyes, I’m not sure if to answer. I can only stammer and fidget, conscious of the dull pain caused from

caused by

biting my lower lip


She smiles that warm smile that always lets me know that everything’s fine. "I guess you can stay", she motions me to look over her shoulder. My eyes catch on the tall chimney of the block kiln. "But come home right away when you see the kiln fire, say yes?"


I nod right away and smile. "I’ll be home before the ash lands!"


She walks over to me and gently places her hand upon my cheek. "Good, I don’t want to worry too long", she says with a soft smile.

rather a lot of "smile"

I hug her tightly. "Don’t worry, I’ll keep my ear open." Then a thought breaks the mood as I pull away, look up and worry. "But the fish, they’ll be heavy… I should…"


"Shhh…", the sound escaping softly from her lips.

"escapes" to stop it being a fragment?

"I feel good today, I’ll be fine. So now don’t you worry. Say yes."


I feel guilty though, both for letting her carry them by herself and for doubting that she can. "Yes", I say determinedly. "But if you need me just call. I’ll have my ears open, remember."


"Good", her expression relaxes. She leans down, gathers our draw, and slings the net over her shoulder. I watch her as she begins off down the river towards home. "And don’t wander from the river", she calls out

comma

without looking back. I watch her walk for a while until she is swallowed by the trees of the rainforest. So this is what it feels like to be on your own. It doesn’t feel like I thought it would.


I’ve been standing here for a long time, just staring at the small rapids made by the water as it passes over the rocks. I’m afraid, I’m afraid to go in to the river. I don’t understand it, I was raised in the river… I was born in the river, and for the first time in my life I’m afraid of the river. I want to go back,

semicolon

if I ran I could probably still catch up to my mother. I could tell her I just wanted to help her carry our draw for the day, but she would know. She wouldn’t say anything, but she would know.


Something splashes up from the river, a wave of water hitting me and catching me completely by surprise. My heart holds it’s

its

breath and I can only stare at the waves, terrified of what is coming for me.


Laughter erupts from the water, I don’t understand why the river is laughing. Then I see her… Tory! Finally able to breathe, I scream "That’s not nice! You scarred

scared, I suspect

the breath out of…".


I slap my hand over my eyes and shake my head. Oh, I didn’t just say that… She’ll never let me forget this now. I’ll be old and dying and I’ll still be hearing about how she snuck up on me when my ears were closed and scared the breath out of me. My very first time on my own and Tory ambushes me, the loudest

comma

most impulsive person I know catches me with my ears closed. This is not a good day.


"Scared you, scared you!", she chants from the water, pointing and laughing, still splashing me with relentless waves of her hands. Finally she falls silent, although her smirking smile is just as irritating as her voice.


Balling my fists and making the most serious face I can make, I yell "That’s it! You better dive now cause you’re gonna get it!" It must have been pretty convincing, because her smile disappeared and her eyes went wide. She dove under the water and spun about, trying to escape as I lunged in after her.


She might have had a head start on me, and she might be quick, but I’m quicker. My family has always been the fastest, especially in the water; No one can catch us, and no one can get away. Even Jolie and her daughters with their oversized flipper feet can’t compete, they could even grow a fishes’ tail and I’d still outrace them.


Of course now, I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do when I catch her; I hate to admit it, but she’s stronger and a better wrestler, even though she’s smaller than me. But for now she’s not laughing, and that’s the only thing that matters.


Tory stayed towards the bottom of the riverbed, her stormy-colored body sinuously flowing between the rocks and plants, hoping that I would lose sight of her. She was ‘swimming thinly’, her clothes probably on shore somewhere downstream. She was so bad at weaving that her clothes would unravel as soon as she got in the water. Now

comma

I wasn’t much better, but I’m not that bad. Luckily I don’t have to worry about it,

semicolon

the clothes I’m wearing were a gift from Lina, and her weaves will last a lifetime.


With Tory quiet and not making a pest of herself, I have to admit she’s kind of cute. She might be small, but she’s graceful and athletic. Her hair is striking, though black in color like all Selks, she has streaks of white that stretch from her temples, around her ears, then down it’s

its; and what it?

short length. Ugh, what am I saying, this is Tory! Besides, she’ll open her mouth and all of her cuteness will disappear along with my patience.


Almost… just an inch closer. Reaching out for her ankle, I almost have a grip on her when she suddenly darts upwards, and just out of my reach. I realize the reason for her sudden direction change too late. Focusing on catching her, I didn’t see the large school of mullet swimming directly for us. Plunging headlong through the school,

it isn't the fish that are plunging headlong

the fish scatter and dart all around me, disorienting and obscuring my sight. I lost sight of her, but only for a moment. From the corner of my eye I catch her silhouette, illuminated by the rising sun. She’s doubled back and skimming just below the river‘s surface;

comma rather than semicolon (I don't say that often) and no capital "P"

Probably thinking that she lost me in the confusion.


I’ll dive deep and catch her by surprise from underneath. That will balance what she did to me earlier, I decide with a grin.


It’s not long before Tory slows her pace. Good, that means she hasn’t noticed me yet. With a few powerful kicks, I dash straight upwards through the water, catching her completely off guard. I grab her by the waist, with the force of my ascent taking us almost completely out of the water before we fall back into the river. I managed to spin her completely around in the collision, hopefully throwing her off balance, giving me the edge in the struggle to come.

past tense

At first I had the advantage,

semicolon

by wrapping my arms and legs around her body, I had her pinned for

a

moment as we sank towards the bottom. But then she pinched the webbing between my fingers, and yanked… hard. I let go of her instantly, the webbing pulled back against my fingers due to the pain forcing her

her to let go, or me

to let go. She kicked off, using this opportunity to head back to the surface.


I was right behind her, and we tussled for a while longer. We both were trying to get a hold of each other while slapping away the other’s hands, but it wasn’t long before we both broke into laughter.

present tense

Now our fight has just become a splashing contest, as the two of us laugh and play.


I can’t help but think that maybe I’ve been to hard on Tory. I always thought our people let her off too easy when ever she pulls one of her pranks. I know she lost her mother when she was young, the Sallow ambushed a gathering party of Selks while they were dredging for peat in the mangroves. Her mother was one of the handful of Selks that were killed. I remember the memory service for those who passed into dreams. I remember Tory’s face, flowing with tears and loss, as they placed her mother’s body within the kiln. Lina told me that Tory and her mother were very close, much like me and my mother. Since her passing

comma

however, Tory’s become a different person who won‘t let anyone get too close. I guess I can understand. Maybe I should try to become friends with Tory, she really doesn’t seem that bad, maybe I was wrong about…

past tense

Tory was smiling, a smile so wide that I lost track of my thoughts. Her eyes shone in the morning light, she was so pretty. Then she opened her mouth, "I still scared the breath out of you, I think I’ll tell the story at dinner tonight. I’m sure everyone will find it as funny as I do", she said

comma

as her smile turned into a toothy grin.


I sprung at her, but she dodged to the side and all I got was a face full of water as she splashed me in anticipation of my reaction. I was about to teach her a lesson, but we both came to a stop in an instant as our ears opened up in alarm.


It was the snare net’s bell, ringing out a warning of possible danger. The snare net is placed downstream, and used to catch crocodiles coming up from the ocean or mangroves that manage to get past the heavier screen net a bit further down. Unlike the screen net, the snare net is designed to come loose from it’s moorings when something large pushes on it, collapsing around the intruder and trapping it at the bottom of the river.


I’ve always been told to be careful when the alarm sounds, to get out of the water immediately and find a group of fishers or even a sentry. Although I’ve never seen a snare net catch anything except for persistent schools of mullet or a fallen branch, I’ve had dreams and heard stories of giant crocodiles being trapped in the nets. Crocodiles used to be a big worry for fishers in the river until they put up the nets, but that was long ago; Now crocodiles are pretty rare, and only the small ones make it past the nets anymore.


I was out of the water before the bell stopped ringing, but Tory lingered. Her ears were up, and she stared down the river with a wild look on her face.


"Tory! Get out of the water, get out now. We have to go find a sentry to check the net!" I tried franticly to get her attention, "Tory, get out of the water!"


Finally she began to tread over to the riverbank, but her gaze never turned from the direction of the nets. I extended my hand to help her out, surprisingly she accepted. As I pulled her up, she suddenly grabbed me by the arms and snapped her gaze to me. "Let’s go check it out", she pleaded.


"Tory, no. We need to find a sentry, that’s the rules." I could tell she wasn’t listening to me before I had even finished speaking. She just let go of my arms and began running towards the snare nets.

present tense

I know I should let her go and just find a sentry like I’m suppose to do. This is my fist

first

time on my own, and I’ve already been snuck up on, I can’t break the rules too. Then came the dream…

past tense (fine, dream, tense change)

It was evening, the rain was coming down in sheets, and the chatter of lories sung in the trees. It would likely flood before nightfall, but that did not alleviate the craving in my belly. Bananas, such a silly food, you could eat bushels and still starve with an

"a", not "an"

full belly; But they tasted so good. I never tried one until a few days ago, I always laughed at those you

who?

tried to feed their hunger with fruits and coconut milk, but I never realized their taste. I’ve had this craving for days now, and the tree that they grow on can’t be that far away now.

present tense (more or less)

I was told where they were, and

comma here rather than before the "and"

while straying so far from the river can be dangerous, I’m sure that I’m almost here. They might even be right in front of me, but with all this rain I could walk right pass them. Hopefully Kella has better eyes than I do.


I turn back to check on her, and find that she’s fallen behind again. I can barely make out her silhouette in this storm, so I wait a moment for her to catch up.


"Brother", she calls, "This is too dangerous, we are not to travel into this valley during storms like this. You know what can happen."


I can see the concern on her face, and she’s right of course. I know I should turn back, this valley is low and prone to flooding under such rains. The water comes from the mountains and can wash away those who are caught in it before there’s a chance to react.


"Brother", this time her voice is pleading, "We have to turn back, we cannot take this risk, there are too many that count on us. I cannot take this risk."


I could hear the decision in her voice, she would go no further. Why should she, she has two children to take care of, why would she risk that for some silly fruit. It’s better that she goes anyway, I can take care of myself, but I could not bear it if something were to happen to her. She could make it back to our people from here without difficulty, she often comes here looking for medicines. She will be fine, I will be fine; I will find what I came here for, my prize will not elude me.


I turn from her without a word and continue on my search. I can hear her calling as I leave, pleading for me to turn around, but soon her voice fades under the torrent of rain. Nothing will happen I assure myself, and if something does, then I’m clever enough to find a solution.


It’s been sometime now since Kella turned back, and the rain hasn’t let up at all, and no sign of those silly fruits. I seen no end of breadfruit trees, but even the thought of those is enough to turn my stomach.


The valley seems more like a marsh as I slosh my way through the thick forest vegetation. I wonder if the Sallow might come to this place in a time like this,

full stop

though they rarely leave the mangroves, this place isn’t much different right now. I wouldn’t want anyone to know it, but I am a bit scared right now, I sort of wish Kella would have stayed. But I have to go forward, I simply can’t return empty handed, how would that look?


There… I think I saw some. I rush over, seemingly pushing back the forest with a wave of my hand. This is it, a stand of at least twenty trees amongst a thicket of bamboo. As I stare up into the reaches of the tree closest, I see one… no two bushels reachable with an easy climb.


Taking a moment to size up the tree and get my nails firmly within it’s

its

soft trunk, I then hoist myself up in just a few simple bounds. Reaching from the belt at my waist, I pull out a sack I had brought with me. It should be large enough to hold both bushels I think, though it might take some effort to get them all to fit. Removing each fruit one by one and dropping it into the sack, I start claiming my prize. That’s when I noticed it… the lories have fallen silent.


I feel the coldness of fear well up inside me and I try without success to swallow. Opening my ears I can hear the rumble. I cling frozen to my perch, knowing and fearing what was to come.


Usually only the river and it’s banks are dangerous during a flood, but this valley lies below another river which winds down a ridge above. During a flood, the riverbank will overflow and the runoff pour down the ridge into the valley. Here is one of the most dangerous spots as it lies at the base of that ridge. The approaching sound reminds me of this danger.


I never saw the surge that washed over me, it came so fast, and the supple tree forced to bear my weight gave into the torrent without a struggle. I had never been caught in a flood before, but I was always certain that I’d be able to swim it, to tame it. The force

comma

however, was something I could not have imagined. I quickly lost all sense of direction, I could not even tell which way was up or down. The plants and trees washed away with the surge danced around me, and the water was darker than any I had ever seen. I was carried by the surge for only a short distance before I came to be where I am now. I know I am in pain, but I can feel only numbness, buried under a wave of dark water.


I can now make some sense of where I am, I can feel which way my body want to float up, but I’m trapped. I think it’s my leg, maybe it caught on something. I’m not sure though, I can’t feel what’s wrong, but somehow I know there’s pain.


With the head of the surge passed, I think I can make out some details in this murky water. My leg… It’s not just trapped… it’s crushed between a tree and a massive branch that was washed down by the surge. My knee is twisted around pointing in the wrong direction from my leg.


This can’t be happening, this couldn’t have happened. It can’t be as it looks, it just can’t be. My stomach doesn’t feel well, like after drinking that pepper root drink that Kella likes so much. I feel cold and weak, I have to look away from my leg. A moment or two and I’ll regain myself, I just have to stay calm and think.


I tried to free my leg, to wiggle loose and ignore the pain. I tried to shift the branch, to rock it enough so that I could slip my leg out; The branch was to

too

heavy, and too firmly wedged.


The water is still over my head, I’m fine now, but I burned a lot of energy trying to free myself. If I relax and stay calm, I can still hold out for a while. Maybe the water will recede… maybe Kella will come.


Relaxing isn’t easy for me. It’s not the pain in my leg which is

possibly without the "which is"? Or commas round the entire "which is becoming more intense?

becoming more intense that distracts me. I don’t let anyone know how much I hate being alone, that’s why I keep moving, never stopping; As long as I don’t relax, I don’t realize how alone I am. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get close to anyone, I guess I just don’t want to loose

lose

anyone else… but sometimes it feels like I already lost everyone. I wish Kella was here, I wish I wasn’t alone.


A long time has passed,

full stop

I’m sure it must be well into night by now, and the murky water still looms overhead. Most of the air has left my muscles now, I can hold on a bit longer, but then I wouldn’t

won't; or "I could hold out"

have the strength to do what I need to… what I have to do.


I can feel my hands tremble, my resole

resolve

starting to shake. No, I must do this, I can’t let my will fail. I can feel my mind go numb as I focus on my task, and my hands become steady once again. I reach at my waist and draw my knife from it sheath. It’s a fine knife, ceramic in the blade with a basalt hilt, and it holds a fine edge, serrated down it’s

its

length. This will do

comma

I think. I place the blade firmly on my skin just above the knee that has held me pinned here for so long. I pause just a moment to rid myself of any last hesitations, then with a firm motion slash

motion or slash, not both

of my hand I feel the blade bite into my flesh…


The rain disappears, the water evaporates around me; I’m standing along the familiar riverbank, with only a dull pain in my leg. The dream has ended, but I’m still a bit shaken by the images, and by the sensations. I absently rub my leg, where just a moment ago a blade had penetrated. The pain recedes, and I regain my senses. Tory?


All Selks have the dream memories, our people can remember the times of our ancestors, of our parents. I have had many, and enough to know that it lasted only a few short breaths despite how long the dream seemed to have been. Tory must still be along the riverbank, running downstream towards the snare nets, I can still catch up to her if I go now.


Running down the riverbank, I can’t help but think about the dream. It was my mother’s, mother’s, father. I think his name was Kerol, but I’m not sure. He was a sentry until he lost his leg in an accident… I guess now I know how. He had to leave the sentry’s house after he lost his leg, but my grandmother took him in and took care of him. My grandmother also had the Weakness like my mother, but she and Kerol were allowed to have a child in hopes that his blood would strengthen hers. Of course that didn’t happen, but my mother didn’t show signs of the Weakness until she was pregnant with me, so at least I had a chance to be born.


I think I understand the dream, the loneliness that Kerol felt even while he tried to keep others away. Then there was the message, I can’t let Tory go off alone. If something were to happen, there would be no one there for her. But even if Kella staid with Kerol, who’s to say that things would have been better, perhaps Kella would have been hurt too… or worse.


I can just make out Tory off in the distance. At least I think I do, everything’s so much more blurry out of the water.


"Tory! Tory, wait up!", I yell, hoping she’ll listen to me.


So much for that, I can see her dive into the water. She’s right by the tripped snare net, as I get closer I can see that the net has fallen into the river, probably lying on the bottom now. Tory surfaces in the center of the river, looking around her like she’s searching for something.


Finally I get up to the snare net and ask, "What… was it? What’s, in the net?". My words are broken as I’m still a bit winded from my run.


She looks up at me, at last recognizing that I’m here. "I don’t know, there was nothing in the net.", I can here a bit of concern in here tone. "Probably just a branch… or maybe the moorings were loose."


Taking a different approach, calmly and firmly I try to get her to come to reason; "Maybe you’re right, but just in case why don’t you come out of the water. Here, I’ll give you a hand."


I walk to the edge of the river and crouch down, extending my hand over the edge in hopes that she’ll accept.


With a quick nod, she moves over to the bank, reaching up to take my hand. It strikes me that she seems a bit shaken, her eyes constantly darting around her. The tips of our fingers touch, she almost out.


I saw it then, gliding under the water silently and deadly. It was as I feared, and I knew it was here… the dream… the sense of dread… it all told me that it was here. It was huge, many times my own length. It’s not one of the smaller marsh crocodiles, this grey-white beast came up from the ocean. There was no way I could pull Tory up in time, the beast was coming straight for her and was almost here. I remember dreams of the monsters lunging out of the water to catch unsuspecting prey, even Selks, and that’s what was going to happen to Tory.

------------------- Continued in the next post.

"It's" is a contraction of "it is" (or occasionally "it was". The possessive form of the third person neuter pronoun is "its". Totally illogical. but it's like that.

 

[chrispenycate]

Ooops, sorry, Py. I know it looks as if I ignored your excellent advice, and went and did it anyway, but actually it just took me a little while to do, and you got in while I was pedanting.

But I won't attempt the second half, OK?

 

[Pyan]

De nada, Chrispy - it did occur to me, but....
The advice still holds good, though.

 

[Trachmyr]

chrispenycate: Thank you! I certainly didn't expect anyone to go through that as throughly as you just did... Thank you!

There's a lot that you caught, so I'll double check my current drafts for similar mistakes. As I said earlier, this was an original rough draft which has changed significantly. Thus I am more interested in the mistakes I tend to repeat often due to my particular writing style. You have shown me that I need to be more liberal in my usage of commas. Additionally, a 'post-it' note reminding me of the correct usage of it's/its would be a smart idea.

Tense has always been an issue for me. In that draft I was trying a technique where I began in past tense and 'worked my way up' to a present tense momment. That momment was often designed to allow the protagonist to think. I then repeated the process of "jumping forward" in time to the next momment of thought, using past-tense to catch up.

My current draft still uses this approach, but the segments are larger and the flow feels less 'choppy'.

I'm not sure if I could write whole chapters in strictly past or present tense. If you have any suggestions for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

Again, thank you very much for your time!

--------------------------------------------------

Pyan: I apologize for the length of the post, but in my defense I abided by all guide lines except length. I reformatted the text specificly to the guidelines presented, and it only represents 5% of my novel's length. I tried to give an idication of the length in the main topic ("7.9K Words"), and assumed that many would choose to skip reading the text or merely skim the story. I had only hoped that I could get a few general critiques to the overall story or writting style. I certainly wasn't expecting anyone to give a section by section break-down (although much to my surprise chrispenycate did just that).

As I stated in the very first section of my post, this was my original first draft of a chapter that has had nearly every detail altered in some way, it resembles my current version only in the general plotline and style of writing. I am doubtful that what I have posted will have any effect on my ability to have it published. If it turns out that I am wrong, it was my mistake, my decision, and I had been adequetly warned.

I am sorry that you have taken offense to the length of the post, considering that I have simply ignored or neglected the "stickyied guidelines". I disagree with your assessment, as the guidelines on length seem more of a warning on the likelihood of a response rather than a "or the thread will be locked" warning. It does state to please keep the length short, at best to a few paragraphs, but then it supports that statement with: "The longer the excerpt, the less likely it is that people will have time to read and comment on your work." It then goes on to further warn about the problems that can arise with publishing.

I felt that posting a chapter in it's entirety would be more likely to return an accurate critique, as I'm more interested in a general overall impression of the story and/or my writing style. I expected a lower response level.

However your reaction to my post has a tone which might as well be a lock on the thread. Again I apologize if I abused the forum, and though I disagree, I withdraw my request for critiques.

... Trachmyr

 

[Pyan]

Don't be dissuaded from submitting for critique: the only problem was the length of the excerpt.

And I, personally, haven't "taken offence" at your post. Part of my duties is to point out to people that are in breach of the forum rules and guidelines that (a) they're there, and (b) the possible consequences of breaking them.