Fight scene, look over please

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Damiynn

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Golath


Eyelids that hadn’t moved in twenty years, fluttered and red eyes opened behind the young battlemage’s back. Two orbs glowing with the intensity of fiery coals fixed on the back of the intruder in the burial chamber, leaving with the Dragon rings.

The taking of the rings evoked the long dead dormant blood magic that had been used in creating the Golath lying atop the one tomb. Slowly it pushed itself up off the place on which it had rested for the past twenty years. As it did so the black and gold hood over its face slid back, revealing a snowy white countenance that looked like carved alabaster. Gone was the semblance of human features on the undead creature’s cold face. The cloths of its black and gold death robes hissed softly like a snake’s scales as they slid across the stone of its resting place and it slowly stood up.

A Golath is a living undead construct, created through the use of blood magic. The gods themselves might actually have been shocked to find out that there was a Golath in their hall. Golath’s are unusually deadly because they retain all of the skills that their formerly living body and can use any and all of their abilities even though they are dead.

This one was the undead body of Colin Lightbringer, battlemage and student of Tiko, Damien’s old battlemaster. Along with being able to use all of its formers abilities, a Golath feels no pain or fatigue. Nothing can tire the creature or wear it down, making a Golath a juggernaut, a being of pure power, five times stronger than an ordinary human and about ten times as deadly.

Mathis was first to see the undead creature rise, having kept his eyes on the object that had glowed red since they had cast for traps. He screamed out a warning to Damien, a second too late. The undead creature struck him in the back and with only one punch, blasted the battlemage completely out of the burial chamber.

All watched as Damien’s body flew across the hall, crashing into the far wall on the other side. He crumpled to the tile floor, unmoving and still.

Thinking that the first intruder was finished, the Golath bent over, retrieved something off of the floor. Carrying Damien’s dropped fighting staff in its fist it advanced on the rest of the small group, twirling the weapon in its hands.

Alyssa, being a cleric and having learnt something about the powerful undead creatures back in Highhold the Darian fortress, felt a chill go through her as she saw it coming. Not actually sure what spells might work on it she decided to rely on her god and hurriedly cast a slow undead spell at the Golath. Maybe, she thought, they would get lucky and the spell would buy them time enough to possibly grab Damien and escape. They already had what they had came for.

The undead battlemage must have sensed the magic and quickly threw up a defensive shield of its own, rendering her spell useless.

Seeing that whatever Alyssa had been trying to do wasn’t working, Kendle and Travis threw themselves in front of her and at the undead battlemage, weapons swinging.

Colin Lightbringer met the attack of the blademaster and the ferocious dwarf easily, Damien’s ironwood staff moved with blurring speed. The undead creature cracked Kendle in the side of his head with its longer weapon before he could defend against it. The Golath’s power enhanced strength sent the dwarf sprawling down the hall. Pivoting and bending with the attack, the Golath ducked under and out of the way of both Travis’ sword and mace. It kicked out its foot, catching him in the kneecap with a pushing motion, stopping him before his weapons could strike out again. Then, still spinning, the Golath brought the staff back around stabbing forward in a long lunging motion, catching Travis in the stomach with the weapons notched end. Impaling him, the undead creatures enhanced strength sent the blademaster flying backwards through the air into a hard stone wall. Travis’ shoulder and head cracked into the stone and he too collapsed, unconscious. If the golath had released the blades hidden in the battlestaff ends the blademaster would have died.

Kendle had managed to roll a little with the staff’s impact and came back up onto his feet ready to charge again. The undead battlemage said the words to another spell and a giant glowing fist burst out from his hand. It flew down the hall driving itself into the dwarf’s thick body. Kendle caught the blasting fist full on and the blows force carried him down the hall till he was completely out of sight.

Without saying a thing Mathis stepped up behind the Golath and with a mighty blow from his muscular arms that seemed to Alyssa as if it might have fell a horse, swung his massive woodsman’s maul at the creatures back.

The maul’s massive wedge shaped head drove deep into the Golath’s body with a meaty thud. It should have shattered the creature’s backbone with the impact and probably would have killed an ordinary man with its force, but the powerful undead golath just staggered, stumbling slightly.

Using the ironwood staff like a supporting pole, the golath planted all of his weight on the weapons end and kicked out backwards like a warhorse, driving both of his feet into the young squire in trainings chest.

Air whooshed out of the large young man’s mouth in an explosive burst and he too flew through the air. Mathis didn’t collide into any walls. Instead he flew about twenty feet before he crashed onto the floor in a crumbled mass, gasping and wheezing, trying to draw air again back into his injured chest.

Within a few seconds Braden, Alyssa and Caliban, were the only ones left standing. The undead battlemage had cut through the others like a scythe through wheat, easily mowing them down, now it was coming toward them and was still completely unharmed.

Braden motioned for the other two to get behind him, and started firing arrow after arrow at the creature. They sprouted out of the undead battlemage’s torso like tiny little arms as he continued to advance in much the same manner as a cat stalking a mouse. Some of the arrows that the ranger shot whistled or screamed in ear piecing shrieks while others turned to both bolts of flame and balls of ice but none seemed to harm or stop the advancing Golath.

Caliban watched the creature carefully as it came on, his father hadn’t warned him about this, but he knew that it was a creature of his making. It had been put here for the sole purpose of killing anyone who came for the rings and as it looked right now, it was including him in that equation. Slowly he slipped his hands down into the leg sheathes at his sides and wrapped his fingers around the claw like handles of his magically enhanced fighting blades. If it wasn’t stopped soon and kept coming, he would certainly find out whether or not they could cut through a Golath’s flesh in order to save his own.

Braden was beginning to run low on arrows. Seeing that none of the others had worked, he decided to try a different tactic and raised the sights of his bow higher and let loose with one of his last. It struck home, hitting the evil undead creature in one of its red glowing eyes.

The Golath screamed and staggered a little, it was the first sound other than spell casting that they had heard the creature issue but this one sounded like it was in pain.

Caliban sensing that the creature might have finally been wounded came in quickly with his glove like talon knives flashing. Moving purely on instinct the assassin mage deftly dodged both the Golath’s staff and one of its swinging hands. Then as he had been taught by his father, he struck at the arm with the weapon as it went by his head with both of the magically sharpened blades. The golath moved unnaturally fast and rather than having the blades pierce its arm, they sliced upwards instead along the underside and outside of its extended forearm. Where both the double blades sliced, lines opened and drops of blackened blood poured out. The flowing blood slowed and the wound closed, leaving nothing but silver white lines on the Golath’s exposed flesh.

The sight of the closing wounds caught Caliban totally unprepared, he stared at them a moment to long, just enough for the Golath’s icy cold fingers of its other hand without the weapon to close about the back of his neck and lift him up into the air.

Unseen by all, Damien slowly staggered to his feet, shaking his head as he did so, trying to regain his senses. As he slowly came around he saw the creature standing in front of him holding the white haired man named Caliban high off of the ground by the back of his neck and it all came back to him. In a rush, he remembered being attacked from behind by this dead former student of his own teacher.

The Golath spun and swinging the other man in his grip around in a circle as easily as one would swing a small bag of flour, hurled the white haired young man head first at the wall in front of him. The blow to the head probably would have killed the other man on impact and Caliban knew in that instant there was nothing he could do to save himself and that he was going to die.

Damien not thinking of his own safety threw his own body in front of the other’s swinging one and instead of hitting the wall headfirst, Caliban had his life saved when he crashed head first into the man’s chest he had came to kill as he leaped in front of him attempting to absorb the blow.

Not waiting on Braden to continue his aerial attack, Alyssa charged in with her hammer swinging, she watched as both Damien and Caliban collapsed again as the golath continued to go through the companions. She asked her god for his blessing and a momentary flash of white enveloped her whole body. The Golath, still using the staff as its weapon of choice, blocked the hammer with its shaft where the haft and the hammer part of her weapon met. It released its grip on one end and a cold white hand shot out, catching Alyssa by the arm. It yanked her about off balance in midstroke.

The force of his icy cold grip crushing her wrist caused Alyssa to scream out in pain. Her hammer fell out of her numb hand and halfway down to the ground the undead Golath known as Colin snatched it out of the air. Bringing the hammer about with one hand, he smashed it into the wall, shattering her one and only weapon besides her hands and feet into dust. With the other hand still holding the struggling cleric, the Golath lifted Alyssa high into the air.

Alyssa saw the Golath notice the other open tomb in the hall slightly farther down with its one still good eye. Both saw the powerful wards and glyphs surrounding its entrance. Alyssa could tell from the expressions crossing the undead creature’s face that it was gaining more control of its abilities after its long sleep and that now it recognized what it was seeing.

With an almost human like leer, thinking to finish off the powerful female cleric by letting the gods work for him, the undead creature hurled the cleric of Dar towards the powerfully rune protected entrance marking the unknown chamber farther down the hall.

Braden saw where she was going and braced for an explosion or whatever was to come when she went through. But as the cleric sailed through the magically protected doorway nothing happened.

Alyssa flew almost across the entire length of the chamber before landing hard on the stone floor and slid across the rest, crashing into what appeared to be an ancient throne with a mummified looking body sitting on it.

The female cleric lay there for a moment until the stars blinking in front of her vision faded, then began looking around the tomb. She saw, judging by the clothes that the skeletal figure seated on the throne was wearing that she too was a female. Outside the doorway she saw the undead battlemage swing about and move towards Braden who was dropping his bow and empty quiver, scrambling backwards and clawing at his sheathed sword.

Mathis lay crumpled on the stone floor, curled up like a baby, clutching at his chest. Travis had regained his feet and stood limply off to one side leaning against a wall, with only his mace held in his left hand, his right, hung lifeless against his side, his shoulder obviously broken. Damien and Caliban both seemed to be still unconscious or dazed and of Kendle, who had taken the brunt of the magical fists force blast in the Golath’s initial attack and had been blown down the hall, there was nothing to be seen.

“He keeps going after the weakest of us first, shouted Braden.
“I know.” returned two different voices at the same time from different locations in the hall and room.

Getting back onto his feet Damien almost smiled at the sound of the other voice coming at the same time as his. His mind began racing, going through his arsenal of spells, trying to figure out what might work against the nearly indestructible construct.

“Then he should come after me next,” said Travis, panting in pain. It was obvious he was severely injured, judging by the look on his face it was a lot more than just his shoulder, knee and arm. The blademaster brought up his mace, stood unsteadily, took a deep breath and braced himself, ready to try and meet the Golath again,

“Braden if I fall,” said the blademaster, his voice uncompromising in its tone and manner, “get him out of here!” He pointed weakly at Damien. He had sworn an oath, a vow that no matter what he was to protect him above and beyond everything else and all other duties and was going to try and buy them some time and wasn’t going to fail again.

“We got what we came in here for. You have the rings, there is no reason for you to die here today, you are needed elsewhere,” Travis growled, eyeing Damien, seeing the protest begin to show in his face. “By a lot more people than just us here! It is your duty to protect the people of the realm Damien! Don’t forget that and always do your duty just like we are doing ours by getting you out of here!”

The Golath advanced slowly. It seemed a little disoriented by the arrow in its red eye, but still it advanced.

A few steps before reaching the last three standing men something odd happened and it stumbled.

A meaty smack came from behind the golath and it jerked upright, its back arching as if it were in pain, then it stumbled to one side revealing what had occurred.

A very battered and beaten looking Kendle Stonebreaker, with blood covering half his face, stood at the other end of the hall, smoking, half of his striped reddish brown beard burnt away and some of his plated armor missing. A maniacal grin covered the fierce dwarf’s burnt and bloodied face and his eyes seemed filled with a feverish sort of crazy intensity as he slapped his thick hands together and said in a roar as he charged at the reeling Golath. “Time for round two!”

Damien screamed out a warning as the dwarf charged. Colin Lightbringer spread his feet out wide and without even removing the axehead from its back, it drew both of its hands back. Damien recognized the power building stance immediately and knew that if the dwarf connected with what was coming, it might finish him off.

Summoning the first spell that he could think of, Damien’s hand filled with five glowing magical balls, he threw all five magical missiles at the Golath’s head. Three of the streaking missiles struck, exploding in a brilliant burst of magical energy. Two were deflected though by a defensive spell of some sort that the undead creature threw up. Damien wasn’t sure which type of spell it was until the same two missiles came streaking back in his direction along the same path that they had taken.

Hastily Damien threw up his own protective magical shield, barely in time. The second missile shattered his hastily erected spell but was still deflected. Damien was glad, or else he would be suffering the same fate as the other undead battlemage.

The three magical force missiles that had made it inside of the Golath’s defensive spells struck it in the head and for a moment Damien thought that he had managed to finish the creature off as its whole head seemed to explode under the magical assault.

Hair and skin was blasted from the undead battlemage’s face and what was left, hung in long tattered shreds, clinging to the gleaming white bone of the skull underneath.

Kendle stopped his headlong charge and looked behind him, watching as the roof of the tunnel collapsed as the Golath’s purefire spell went awry, passing over his head and shattering the ceiling, huge stones. They fell blocking the hallway behind him, sealing off the way that they had came from earlier. The rest turned to see if the undead creature was done for but once again the Golath’s head rose, its one red eye locking again on Damien.

Alyssa, shakily got back to her feet, she felt both drained and tired. She knew that during the few moments that the Golath had held her arm it had stolen some of her life force to fuel its own. A wave of dizzying nausea swept through her and she almost collapsed back onto the stone floor. Reeling awkwardly she crashed again into the same throne that she had hit earlier. Again nothing happened when she touched it.

She could feel the powerful magical wards and glyphs carved into the thrones stone surface tingling through her skin and wondered as she recovered her bearings whether or not somehow the magic in the room had faded over time. Quickly she cast another reveal magic spell, the whole room burst into a fiery blue glow, unlike anything she had ever seen. If the magic was still as active as it appeared, why hadn’t it repelled or blocked her entry. Looking around for an answer she scanned the room and she saw what she thought might be the reason.

It was on the top of the throne. On the dead woman’s robes. Carved over the entrance to the chamber. And glowing like a beacon on the silver hammer that the female figure sitting on the throne clutched in her long dead hands.

Two crossed hammers with a sword between them, made out of mythryll, the holy symbol of Dar, her own god. She thought about this a moment and came to the conclusion that her own symbol must be why the magic in the room hadn’t acted the way that it was supposed to, it was the only thing that made any sort of sense in her mind. At the same time that she came to this conclusion the explosion of magical missiles erupted in the outside hall. She knew by the symbols and the female figure where and into whose chamber it was that she had been thrown and quickly, almost reverently, she bowed her head to the female battle Queen, saying a quick prayer to her god.

She was in the burial chamber of the only other female to have ever been accepted by her deity, the battle Queen of Kallamar, Lady Ellanine Salaris, who had her throne stolen from her by the battlemage usurper Voriaa Sarr and who also through the help of Dar regained it almost a thousand years ago.

She knew that she was needed out in the hallway and had to return to the fight before the Golath killed her companions. She remembered, now, as her frozen arm began stinging, a few more of her lessons in the monastery on Golath’s. Only magical weapons could hurt them and that you couldn’t touch or harm one without one. She also remembered that the eyes were the only way to one kill one completely with or without a magical weapon. Spells were almost always ineffective and that they drew strength and regained power from those that they touched with their hands.

Needing another weapon to replace her shattered one, Alyssa quickly asked for the dead queen’s forgiveness and grabbed a hold of the brightly glowing silver hammer’s shaft, pulling. Nothing happened, it didn’t move. Letting out a scream of frustration, Alyssa put all of her weight behind it and pulled again, still nothing happened. Removing her hands from the hammer’s shaft she placed them on top of the dead queen’s. Instantly a surge of power went through her entire body in a tingling rush, a female’s voice sounded softly in her head. “Use it well, daughter of Dar, I pass this onto you, one who is worthy. It is a gift from our god. After you are finished saving your friends return and recover the champions armor also, cause you daughter of battle will need it in the future.” then the female’s voice inside of her head died, the dead hands holding the hammer fell away. The gleaming silver hammer with Dar’s symbol on it, fell into her outstretched hands.

Gripping the weapon firmly, she hefted it up and was amazed by its lightweight and perfect balance. Alyssa saw the armor that the voice had spoken of as she gave the weapon a quick swing and knew that she would come back for it as instructed, after the fight. Turning she raced out of the room, back into the fray to help save her companions. As she did so she silently blessed Dar, for the intervention of the hammer and mentally thanked the Queen who gave it to her. She knew that the chances of her being thrown where she had, had to be her god himself acting in her behalf, she was grateful, that act might help in saving all of their lives from the Golath.

As Alyssa streaked out of the battle queen’s chamber in a blur of gold and black, she raised the gleaming silver hammer high over her head, shouting for the others to go for the creature’s eyes or to only use magical weapons on the undead construct’s body.

The golath seemed to be stumbling about more now due to the magical axe embedded in its spine. Alyssa ducked low. Sliding under one of its waving arms, she spun the flat end of the magical hammer up and around into the construct’s face driving the protruding arrow sticking out from its eye socket deep into its skull. The Golath rocked with the silver hammer’s impact, dropping down to one knee, clutching at its head. A sizzling electrical hiss filled the air as the creature’s hand swept out. Five globes of ball lightning streaked from the creatures open palm. The arrow in the Golath eye must have distorted its depth perception, because only one of the balls streaked towards a target.

Caliban having pushed himself up onto his knees knew that if it hadn’t been for Damien’s timely interference with the Golath’s earlier, he would likely be dead. He was very lucky to be alive. A loud shout caught his attention and the white haired young man swiveled his head and saw the crackling ball of lightning streaking at him. It was only a few feet away and he knew in that instant that it was to late for him to do anything defensively other than to try to duck and rely on the power of his talisman armor to save him, but Damien was there again, saving him.

The dark haired battlemage had prepared several spells and knew that he was the only chance that the white haired man had for survival. He wasn’t about to let another die while on this quest. Using a fully prepared shield, this time, Damien launched himself into the air, throwing his body into the way of the oncoming lightning ball. Caliban blinked, blinding light flashed as the battlemage and the ball of lightning exploded in front of his eyes.

Now it was Damien who crashed bodily into Caliban and in another tangle of arms and legs they both fell again back down onto the floor.

As the Golath started staggering once more to its feet, Alyssa rolled out of the way. Braden came with his sword held high and in keeping with the cleric’s advice, he drove the tip of the steel blade directly into the creature’s other flaming red eye.

The pierced Golath whipped its head about so fiercely that it yanked the sword out of Braden’s grip and a wailing began coming out of its mouth. The keening noise grew in volume and intensity until all of the companions were screaming as the horrible sound pierced their eardrums, caused them to drop their weapons and cover their ears with their hands.
 
Damiynn - it's too long. If you want some really constructive comments just post a few paragraphs.
 
I read all of it. I just didn't feel like replying yet because my mind is dry of suggestions, as it still is. The scene as a whole was great, but alot of it seemed very choppy. It was enjoyable, sure, but it needs a real quick review. I think if you just wait a week or two and look over this you could distinguish and adjust all of the problems to your desire...as for advice to make the battle less choppy, I really have none right now, as this is too long of a post to completely cover everything and I'm too tired at the moment. I strongly urge you to wait a week and review it however, it works for me and many others. Also, alot of what you were saying in this could be summed up with choice words and vocabulary, without the setback of being over descriptive. All in all I love this piece, but I would read it for it's shear enjoyability, not quality, which I suppose is both a good and bad thing. Also, I feel you took a very long time to write this, but spent not so near as long in reviewing it, as it is a long piece indeed. By the time I got done modifying this I would be enervated to! So, I will fall back to the only useful piece of advice I have told you this entire post..."review it"!
 
I didn't read the whole thing, because it is really long, but I noticed a few things that might help you. Most actions scenes read better if they are made up of shorter scenes. That way the reader breezes right through the actions and can read it is its happening. You are stuffing a lot into one, and I really didn't see and short ones in what I read.

Also, keep an eye on the "non-action" bits, the parts that describe or give backstory, because more often than not, those parts stop the story and bogs down the actions. Just keep an eye on how you present the information.

Other than that, if it had been shorter, I think I would have really enjoyed this. The Golath concept is really interesting, like a zombie mage. Very neat.
 
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