Immortal Earth: The Immortals United

[Deathpool]

I just write for fun, so here's just a few pages at the start. I don't know how good it is.

Immortal Earth: The Mortal’s Alliance
Sarmon, the master of life and owner of the keys of hell walked down the corridor in the direction of Marcus’s domain. He had come for the great meeting of the immortals. When he entered the domain; the size of the group startled him. He looked around at everybody and suddenly noticed the best fighter who ever to live. The one that no object could stop. He also noticed the master of disguise and various others. “We must begin our meeting,” said Marcus (the master of the underworld). “Now, humanity has infested this earth for years. We must torture them. Give them pain they have never felt before. Destroy them from the face of the earth and the earth is ours.” Everybody raised their hands and the cave echoed with their applause. “Every immortal who stands in our way will share the fate of the humans.” All of the immortals broke into thunderous applause. “Let’s go” They turned and left the underworld. At a beach, a number of swimmers suddenly saw a shark fin in the water. Fear seemed to engulf them as the shark closed in upon them. Suddenly they could not move. Their worst nightmare became reality as the shark opened its mouth to swallow them. They uttered a piercing scream as the shark took a bite of one of the swimmers. “Looking good,” said Jordan with a sly grin on his face. He could see everything from where he sat on a hill over looking the beach. “Yes, It’s looking great,” said Raven looking through her sunglasses. “Those helpless babies.” Back in the water, the shark swam downward and then upward. The water began spiraling downward sucked them into darkness. As they fell, they could see the ground slowly begin forming beneath their feet. Right before they struck they put thier hands on their chests and everything went black. As the swimmers lay, sinking in the ocean a school of dolphins pushed them to the surface and a giant eagle tenderly picked them up in its talons and flew off. They regained and began coughing and vomiting water. Finally, they lay their heads back down. “Try and relax Sara,” said a man at one of the women’s heads. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” He placed on hand on her head and closed his eyes. The illusion formed before his eyes. He imported the pain and fear into his own brain. Finally, he opened his eyes. “It’s Jacob,” gasped Charlie (the master of the mind). “No,” shrieked Janet (the master of animals). Charlie looked at his friend. Her face had begun paling somewhat and her hand had begun trembling. Charles got to his feet and put an arm around her. “This only means one thing Charles,” said Bernard (the master of magnetism and gravity). “War’s begun,” said Charles clenching his fist. “I’ll go get Marcus,” said Janet in a faltering voice. She walked uncertainly out of the tent and closed her eyes. Minutes later a small fair arrived and than left. Deep in the underworld, the fairy had delivered its message and a huge bird bathed in light took to the air. Once in the real world the bird scooped Janet up and flew into the depths of the underworld.

 

[JDawg2.0]

Uh, paragraph much? Anyone? Paragraphs?

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Deathpool, indents tend to disappear when you post things on these forums. You need to put in an extra space between paragraphs to show us where they begin and end (and to make reading and critiquing your work easier).

 

[Culhwch]

Heya, Deathpool, welcome to the forums.

First off, I have to agree with Teresa and Jdawg's comments on paragraphs. You pack a lot of ideas into this short excerpt, and it really needs to be broken up. The best way to learn how to do this is to read: pay attention to how authors are constructing their stories.

Secondly, you do a lot of telling, and not so much showing in this excerpt. It's an interesting concept you have here, but it needs a lot of expansion. There's too much of, 'He went here. He did this. He is this. Then this happened.'

I'm loathe to do too much rewriting in a critique, because this is your baby after all... But I'll make a few suggestions.

Immortal Earth: The Mortal’s Alliance

Sarmon, master of life and owner of the keys of hell, walked down the corridor in the direction of Marcus’s domain. [Perhaps some description of the corridor here - what does it look like, smell like, where is it?] He had come for the great meeting of the immortals. When he entered the domain the size of the group startled him. He looked around at everybody and suddenly noticed the best fighter who ever to live. The one that no object could stop. He also noticed the master of disguise and various others.[This section is a little clunky - perhaps name the fighter, the master of disguise, make note of something distinct about their appearance...]

“We must begin our meeting,” said Marcus, master of the underworld. “Now, humanity has infested this earth for years. We must torture them. Give them pain like they have never felt before. Sweep them from the face of the earth. And then the earth is ours.” Everybody raised their hands and the cave echoed with their applause. “Every immortal who stands in our way will share the fate of the humans.” All of the immortals broke into thunderous applause. [They are already applauding - perhaps they break into cheers?] “Let’s go”

They turned and left the underworld. [Telling, not showing - how do they leave? Do they file quietly out? Teleport? Fly?]

***

At a beach, a number of swimmers suddenly saw a shark fin in the water. Fear seemed to engulf them as the shark closed in upon them. Suddenly they could not move. Their worst nightmare became reality as the shark opened its mouth to swallow them. They uttered a piercing scream as the shark took a bite of one of the swimmers. [This paragraph is in need of a lot of expansion - perhaps focus on one swimmer?]

“Looking good,” said Jordan with a sly grin on his face. He could see everything from where he sat on a hill over looking the beach.

“Yes, it’s looking great,” said Raven, looking through her sunglasses. “Those helpless babies.”

In the water, the shark swam downward and then upward. The water began spiraling downward sucked them into darkness. As they fell, they could see the ground slowly begin forming beneath their feet. Right before they struck they put thier hands on their chests and everything went black. As the swimmers lay sinking in the ocean a school of dolphins pushed them to the surface and a giant eagle tenderly picked them up in its talons and flew off. They regained consciousness and began coughing and vomiting water. Finally, they lay their heads back down. [Again, paragraph could use some expansion]

“Try and relax, Sara,” said a man at one of the women’s heads. “I’m not gonna hurt you.” He placed on hand on her head and closed his eyes. The illusion formed before his eyes [What illusion? Describe it.]. He imported the pain and fear into his own brain. Finally, he opened his eyes.

“It’s Jacob,” gasped Charlie, master of the mind. [First, who's Jacob? This doesn't seem to make any sense. Second, find another way to let us know that Charlie is the master of the mind - these info dumps get a bit tiresome. Is it even necessary we know this first thing? Same applies below.]

“No,” shrieked Janet, master of animals. Charlie looked at his friend. Her face had begun paling somewhat and her hand had begun trembling. Charles got to his feet and put an arm around her.

“This only means one thing, Charles,” said Bernard, the master of magnetism and gravity.

“The war’s begun,” said Charles clenching his fist.

“I’ll go get Marcus,” said Janet in a faltering voice. She walked uncertainly out of the tent and closed her eyes. Minutes later a small fair arrived and then left. Deep in the underworld, the fairy had delivered its message and a huge bird bathed in light took to the air. Once in the real world the bird scooped Janet up and flew into the depths of the underworld. [This whole segment is very confusing. I'm not sure what is going on here. Expand - this seems like it could be a couple of different scenes.]

To give you an idea of what I mean by expansion, I'll take a stab at rewriting the first paragraph. Keep in mind this is how my mind is imagining the situation - I'm sure it barely resembles your own...

The corridor was dark, lit only by the glowing veins of firestone that ran like cracks along the walls. There was a distinct smell on the air; stale, burnt, sulphurous. Only fitting, thought Sarmon, that the master of the underworld would inhabit such a hellish place. Marcus had summoned him, and so he had come into his realm. As master of life and keeper of the keys to hell, he was one fo the few who were able to walk here unescorted.

The corridor widened at the entrance of the great hall. Sarmon was surprised by how many had answered the call; tier upon tier of Immortals filled the hall, the cavernous expanse echoing with their chattering. He looked around curiously. ______ was there, as always occupying his own little island of space - no other Immortal sat within a arm's length of where he was quietly honing the blade of his greatsword, Misery. A few rows behind him was _______, trying to look inconspisuous; Sarmon had never had any trouble seeing through the master of disguises' glamours.

At the front of the hall, Marcus held court. He nodded when he saw Sarmon come in. Sarmon returned the gesture and took the seat in the first teir ______ graciously vacated for him. Marcus cleared his throat, and the hall quietened. The floating globes of light that hung above there heads dimmed one by one, until only a single shaft shone down on the master of the underworld. 'Let us begin,' he said.

By adding a little depth I've expanded one paragraph into three, and painted in some details of the world. I've also managed to give titles (or hinted at them) without flat-out stating them. I'd suggest going back over the piece and trying to do the same. And as I said above, pay attention when reading, and take note of how your favourite authors tell the stories they do.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

 

[Ash]

I think the Culhwch's "Telling, not showing" comment really nails it for me. I was having a problem getting it into words, but that is spot on.

To me this reads like a breakdown for a comic. Essentially a script which tells the artist what to draw... rather than the finished comic.

A got a kick out of the opening and like the idea of these godlike bad guys having a meeting and get a little crazy about the idea of lots of torture. The second half I found very confusing. I think it would be worth spending a little more time and expanding both. The first part would work well as a prologue.

 

[Deathpool]

I'll try that. Thanks.

 

[TigerLilly]

Nice, but a little confusing. I agree on the paragraph thing. Plus, this :When he entered the domain; the size of the group startled him doesn't sit right with me. It just.. is confusing and makes little sense. Idea's nice, though