Excerpt from my FanFic

[TTM]

Hello everyone

I am submitting an excerpt of my FanFic here for review. There are many reasons I am writing a FanFic, the most substantial one being that I am using it as a training tool to increase my writing skills before I commence work on an idea for a novel I've been kicking around for five years.

The extract I have provided is from the first season of the FanFic (omitting names right now) and I wrote it a few months ago.

I am not looking for spelling or punctuation feedback as much as I am the feel of my story, how well it flows and the like. So here it is. And thank you if you choose to review, as it all helps me become a better writer. Cheers!

**********

Oh no.



As they entered the blackness a gut wrenching chill hit Kiba, the situation driving home. His eyes widened in fear and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, stabbing into him like a thousand senbon needles. What had he done? These weren’t his friends anymore. He had led Hinata-chan and Akamaru to their deaths. YOU FOOL! His mind screamed at him across an abyss as lightless and cold as the cavern around him. The black closed in on him, pressing against him, crushing him… Kiba couldn’t breathe. He began hyperventilating, struggling for the precious air which was being stolen from him. They would all be executed as traitors. Oh, Akamaru… Hinata-chan… what have I done? He screamed out in silence before collapsing onto his knees with his eyes clenched shut, the last of his breath expending itself in his grievous realization.
“Kiba-kun! Snap out of it!” Hinata-chan’s voice, almost an echo.
Slowly her desperate cries became clearer across the haze of hopelessness, eventually slamming him back into consciousness like a swift kick to the face. In control of himself once more he saw her in front of him, a silhouette in the almost dark. Akamaru was worried too and whined from some paces away. For him to get closer would mean Ino would take over his body. Kiba stretched his focus outward from himself towards the others. Everyone had stopped, what had once been Team Ten readying themselves for betrayal. Iruka and Tsuboro looked at the Inuzuka uneasily. If he tried anything stupid he would be dead, along with Akamaru, Hinata and their daughter. And it would be the end of his line for all eternity.



Tears. Kiba smelled tears on Hinata. She had cried as she called to him. Damn it, he’d let his fears get the better of him and scared Hinata. Slowly Kiba stood up into a slight stoop, made awkward from the ropes which bound his wrists. Still white he turned to her, breathing heavily from the shock.
“Kiba! Are you alright?” she said, a desperate tone still carrying in her voice.
“I just… I think we’ve made a bad choice, coming here.” He said to her, not caring that the others were listening.
“Kiba-kun, Akamaru and I have followed you across green fields, snow filled ranges and deep blue oceans all these months. We trust your judgement and believe in you wholly and without reserve. You haven’t led us wrong yet.”
Kiba looked at her ashen-faced “But what if I’m wrong now? They’ll kill us and-”
Hinata silenced him with her words, a soft soothing voice floating across the lightlessness “If that is going to happen then so be it. Let Karma be Karma. You made a decision, one which we all decided was the most likely means for our daughter to grow up and live in safety. Maybe we won’t be here to see that. Maybe she won’t either. But all I know is that Akamaru and I would follow you to the ends of existence, and whatever happens we will all be together. But please… wrest yourself from what has gotten hold of you.” Kiba stood up and composed himself, looking at Hinata, still visibly upset. He needed to be stronger than this, for her. For Akamaru. For his daughter.

**********

 

[TTM]

Um, yeah. Is there anyone who can help me? I need to know if there are any flaws in my writing style.

Sorry about being pushy but this is really important to me, as this is an excerpt from a practice story before I commence my novel I hope to get published.

ANYTHING will help. Thanks to those who have read, but if you can see any problems please let me know. Thanks.

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, TTM,

No one can look at a text and read it trying to ignore spelling and punctuation.

Well, maybe I am being too peremptory. I’ll turn my sentence differently. Let’s say that no one who knows spelling and punctuation can read a text ignoring those two pesky little bestards. Is that still too much? All right. I can’t read…

It’s like listening to a rock band. If you have dabbed in music (I used to play bass guitar), you can’t fail to notice that the Singer is running ahead of the Drummer or else the Lead Guitar just entered too late… There is a basic rule in rock music: the band must play together, no matter how well any single player can play.

Well, punctuation and grammar play along with the style. They are members of the same band.

Ergo, the little mistakes were off-putting for me, exactly like a few mistakes in a stage performance of a band that I do like.

Don’t get me wrong now. Your work is far from being a catastrophe. It’s even well done. You just need to work a little on those pesky…

But, as you wished not to be bothered with these details, I was a good girl and tried to read the text anyway. I couldn’t.
I bloo… had to put that bloo… blue everywhere.
So forgive me TTM if I didn't abide by your wish!
I am conditioned. Everybody who knows me knows that.

Grammar and ponctuation are the first step. If you don’t make it smooth for the reader, the reader will find your prose amateurish and could even stop reading.
We don’t want that, do we?

Lecture over.
Below you’ll find a clean version and another one spattered with blue.

Well, I re-read the clear version. It flows and makes sense now. It really does.

Here’s the thing.

Oh no…

As they entered the blackness, a gut-wrenching chill hit Kiba, the situation finally driving home. His eyes widened in fear and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, stabbing into him like a thousand senbon needles.
These weren’t his friends anymore. He had led Hinata-chan and Akamaru to their deaths. YOU FOOL! his mind screamed at him across an abyss, as lightless and cold as the cavern around him.
Darkness closed in on him, pressing against him, crushing him… Kiba couldn’t breathe. He struggled for the precious air that fear was stealing from him. They would all be executed as traitors. Oh, Akamaru… Hinata-chan… what have I done? he screamed out in silence before collapsing onto his knees with his eyes clenched shut, the last of his breath expending itself in grievous realization.
“Kiba-kun! Snap out of it!” Hinata-chan’s voice said, sounding almost an echo.
Her desperate cries slowly pierced the haze that wadded his mind, and eventually slammed him back into consciousness, like a kick to the face. In control of himself once more he saw her in front of him, a silhouette in semi-darkness. Akamaru was worried too and whined from some paces away.
For him to get closer would mean Ino would take over his body.
Kiba stretched away from himself, directing his attention to the others.
Everyone had stopped; the once-loyal Team Ten was ready to betray them. Iruka and Tsuboro looked at the Inuzuka uneasily.
Had Kiba tried anything stupid, he would have died, along with Akamaru, Hinata and their daughter. This would be the end of his[whose?] line for all eternity.

***​

Tears… Kiba smelled tears on Hinata. She had cried when she had called out to him. Damn it, he had let his fears get the better of him and scare Hinata.
Kiba scrambled to his feet, taking a slightly-stooping position made awkward from the ropes bounding his wrists. His face still white with fear, he turned to her, breathing heavily from the shock.
“Kiba! Are you alright?” Hinata said, a desperate tone still carrying in her voice.
“I just… I think we’ve made a bad choice, coming here.” He told her, not caring that the others were listening.
“Kiba-kun, Akamaru and I have followed you across green fields, snow filled ranges and deep blue oceans all these months. We trust your judgement and believe in you wholly and without reserve. You haven’t led us wrong yet. [see the blue spattering]
Kiba looked at her, ashen-faced. “But what if I’m wrong now? They’ll kill us and—”
Hinata silenced him with a soft soothing voice that floated across the light atmosphere around them. “If that is going to happen, then so be it. Let Karma be Karma. You made a decision, one that we all took with you. It was the most likely means for our daughter to grow up and live in safety. Maybe we won’t be here to see that. Maybe she won’t either. But all I know is that Akamaru and I would follow you to the ends of existence. And, whatever happens, we will all be together. But please… wrest yourself out from what has gotten hold of you.”
Kiba stood up and composed himself, looking at Hinata, who was still visibly upset. He needed to be stronger, for her. For Akamaru. For his daughter.

Oh no... [italics and suspension points]

As they entered the blackness[,] a gut[-]wrenching chill hit Kiba, the situation [finally] driving home. His eyes widened in fear and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, stabbing into him like a thousand senbon needles. What had he done?[Do you really need a rhetorical question here?] new para
These weren’t his friends anymore. He had led Hinata-chan and Akamaru to their deaths. YOU FOOL! Hhis mind screamed at him across an abyss[,] as lightless and cold as the cavern around him. new para
The black Darkness closed in on him, pressing against him, crushing him… Kiba couldn’t breathe. He began hyperventilating, struggling for the precious air which was being stolen from him. He struggled for the precious air that fear was stealing from him.
They would all be executed as traitors. Oh, Akamaru… Hinata-chan… what have I done?[italics] Hhe screamed out in silence before collapsing onto his knees with his eyes clenched shut, the last of his breath expending itself in (his) grievous realization.
“Kiba-kun! Snap out of it!” Hinata-chan’s voice said, sounding almost an echo.
Slowly Her desperate cries slowlybecame clearer across the haze of hopelessness [this abstract image is not strong enough] pierced the haze that wadded his mind,, and eventually slammed ing him back into consciousness[,] like a swift kick to the face. In control of himself once more he saw her in front of him, a silhouette in the almost semi-darkness. Akamaru was worried too and whined from some paces away. New para
For him to get closer would mean Ino would take over his body[I don’t twig this].
Kiba stretched his focus outwardaway from himself, directing his attention towards to the others. New para
Everyone had stopped,[; (important, this semicolon)] what had been the once-loyal Team Ten was readying themselves for to betrayal. Iruka and Tsuboro looked at the Inuzuka uneasily. If he Had [the beastly person, the warrior; I dunno] tried anything stupid[,] he would be dead have died, along with Akamaru, Hinata and their [Hinata and Kiba’s? Akamaru’s?] daughter. And it This would be the end of his [whose?] line for all eternity.



Tears… Kiba smelled tears on Hinata. She had cried as when she had called out to him. Damn it, he’d [had] let his fears get the better of him and scared Hinata. Slowly Kiba scrambled to his feet, taking into a slightly-stooping position [no comma] made awkward from the ropes which [does your modern style justify “which”?] bounding his wrists. His face still white with fear, he turned to her, breathing heavily from the shock.
“Kiba! Are you alright?” she [who? Hinata of course], said, a desperate tone still carrying in her voice.
“I just… I think we’ve made a bad choice, coming here.” He said to told her, not caring that the others were listening.
“Kiba-kun, Akamaru and I have followed you across green fields, snow filled ranges and deep blue oceans all these months. We trust your judgement and believe in you wholly and without reserve. You haven’t led us wrong yet. [why does is she speaking in this stilted style? Is she a foreigner speaking XTYHZian as a second language?]
Kiba looked at her[,] ashen-faced[.] “But what if I’m wrong now? They’ll kill us and—”
Hinata silenced him with her words, a soft soothing voice that floated ing[avoid cascades od –ing] across the light lessness atmosphere around them[.] “If that [italics] is going to happen[,] then so be it. Let Karma be Karma. You made a decision, one which we all decided took with you. It was the most likely means for our daughter to grow up and live in safety. Maybe we won’t be here to see that. Maybe she won’t either. But all I know is that Akamaru and I would follow you to the ends of existence, and[,] whatever happens[,] we will all be together. But please… wrest yourself [out] from what [shouldn’t she be saying “from that which”. Kidding!] has gotten hold of you.”
Kiba stood up and composed himself, looking at Hinata, who was still visibly upset. He needed to be stronger than this, for her. For Akamaru. For his daughter.

 

[The Bloated One]

No one can look at a text and read it trying to ignore spelling and punctuation

I'll go further; without reasonable punctuation and spelling, you are needlessly cutting the chances of receiving helpful critiques.

As a poster, you owe it to Chron's helpful readers to do your best to get this right. Is the fact you don't want people to look at the spelling and grammar an admission you rushed this, just to get views on the concept?

(Puts the soapbox under table...) Apologies...

GC's done a cracking job, now it's up to you. Let's see a re-draft that we can get our teeth into.


TBO

 

[TTM]

Oh, my apologies. It seems I misrepresented my situation a little.

It's not that I don't want to hear anything about punctuation. On the contrary. I'll take all the help I can get. It's just that I am posting this work on the Internet (this excerpt has been up for a few months now), and as such when it is finished it is counted as 'completed' work, being a FanFic.

This is a bit of an obstacle one doesn't encounter in contemporary writing I know. But my point was that I won't be able to change the master documents where they are posted.

Mind you, I'm still going to give this a rewrite Although I'll have to school it between work (I get a few days off soon)

Thanks for replying guys, I knew you would help. Cheers, and I'll have the rewrite up soon!

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Duly noted.

 

[TTM]

Heh, I can only imagine what a pompous jerk I must have come across as

 

[timelord4]

Hi TTM,

If this is already posted, and can't be changed, then this is all moot, anyway. But as you said, you're going to post a rewrite?

GC has made it sparkle... and given you some insight into improving your style from here on.

One concern however. I think Darkness should not be capitalized. It's not personified in your context so the capital can be dropped. IMO.

Cheers

TL

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, TTM,

Others say they are not expecting line-editing, for two reasons, I think: a) because it takes some time and they don't want to impose on their fellows in madness (the Chronics). But it's fun for comma-maniacs like me; and b) because they are anxious to know if their story is okay (i.e. interesting, original).

So I didn't mistake you for a jerk, or I wouldn't have posted anything.

Hi, Timelord,

Darkness was the first word in a sentence...

 

[timelord4]

Sorry GC,

My eyes aren't what they used to be. Too many hours looking into the glaring screen.

My apologies TTM for the OT.

 

[TTM]

Nothing to apologise for mate

I'm at work today so hopefully I'll be able to rewrite tomorrow. Thanks for the interest everyone

 

[TTM]

Okay, I'll try again. Hopefully I won't bollocks it up too much on the re-write

GC, I can see that your cleaned version is very well written, and I agree with most of the points you made. I will start with your version and change it accordingly from there. I apologise if this is a bit... underhanded.

I'll need to explain fragments of the backstory so that my changes make more sense. My notes during the edit itself will be in green.

*****

Before we begin I'll rehash what has happened, to clarify the parties involved. Kiba, Akamaru (who is a very large white dog) and Hinata were originally three members of Team Eight, one of the Ninja teams of a village. Team Ten were some of their good friends, until Kiba and Hinata fell in love. Unfortunately Hinata fell pregnant, causing Kiba to be kicked out of his clan's home permanently and forbidden contact with Hinata.

He continued to see her anyway, but was discovered by a member of Hinata's own clan, who tried to beat him to death. Kiba was saved by Shino, the final member of Team Eight, and after recovering Kiba left the village with Hinata and Akamaru, becoming Rogue Ninja. Their village sent Hunters and ANBU (Ninja version of SWAT) after them and they were forced to kill some before they made the country's border.

Some months later they ran into Iruka, another Ninja from their village, by accident and discovered to their horror that another country had invaded, razing their old home. Heartbroken, the trio took Iruka in and travelled, trying to find more survivors.

Eventually they discovered a cell of survivors making a Second Founding of their village. Knowing that the life of a Rogue Ninja was no way to raise their unborn child, they traveled to the new village, rescuing another survivor, Tsuboro, along the way.

Upon reaching the mountain where the new village was situated under (in ancient caverns which honeycombed the rock) they were found by Team Ten and arrested for the murder of the ANBU operatives, bound with rope and ordered not to attempt escape.

The story recommences with the prisoners being led into the mountain and to await trial, either to be acquitted and welcomed back into the village or to face execution. Sorry to prattle on...

*****

Oh no…

As they entered the blackness, a gut-wrenching chill hit Kiba, the situation finally driving home. His eyes widened in fear and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, stabbing into him like a thousand senbon needles.
These weren’t his friends anymore. He had led Hinata-chan and Akamaru to their deaths. YOU FOOL! his mind screamed at him across an abyss, as lightless and cold as the cavern around him.
Darkness closed in on him, pressing against him, crushing him… Kiba couldn’t breathe. He struggled for the precious air that fear was stealing from him. They would all be executed as traitors. Oh, Akamaru… Hinata-chan… what have I done? he screamed out in silence before collapsing onto his knees with his eyes clenched shut, the last of his breath expending itself in grievous realization.
“Kiba-kun! Snap out of it!” Hinata-chan’s voice said, sounding almost an echo.
Her desperate cries slowly pierced the haze that wadded his mind, and eventually slammed him back into consciousness, like a kick to the face. In control of himself once more he saw her in front of him, a silhouette in semi-darkness. Akamaru was worried too and whined from some paces away.
For him to get closer would mean Ino would take over his body. Ino's Bloodline Limit is the ability to leave her body and possess others, whether it be human or animal.
Kiba stretched away from himself, directing his attention to the others.
Everyone had stopped; the Ninja once of Team Ten drawing black kunai in anticipation of betrayal. Changed this to make sense, and to reinforce their readiness to kill their old friends if necessary. Iruka and Tsuboro looked at their friend uneasily.
Had the Rogue-Nin tried anything stupid, he would have died, along with Akamaru, Hinata and their daughter. This would be the end of the clan Inuzuka for all eternity. Took your advice and clarified who the sentence spoke of.

***​

Tears… Kiba smelled tears on Hinata. She had cried when she had called out to him. Damn it, he had let his fears get the better of him and scare Hinata.
Kiba scrambled to his feet, taking a slightly-stooping position made awkward from the ropes binding his wrists. His face still white with fear, he turned to her, breathing heavily from the shock.
“Kiba! Are you alright?” Hinata said, a desperate tone still carrying in her voice.
“I just… I think we’ve made a bad choice, coming here.” He told her, not caring that the others were listening.
“Kiba-kun, Akamaru and I have followed you across green fields, snow filled ranges and deep blue oceans all these months. We trust your judgement and believe in you wholly and without reserve. You haven’t led us wrong yet." Hinata answered him slowly, letting the words penetrate her lover's terror-addled mind. Explained the effect I was trying for here (hopefully in an adequate fashion).
Kiba looked at her, ashen-faced. “But what if I’m wrong now? They’ll kill us and—”
Hinata silenced him with a soft soothing voice that floated across the near-black atmosphere around them. They are underground with next to no light around them. “If that is going to happen, then so be it. Let Karma be Karma. You made a decision, one that we all took with you. It was the most likely means for our daughter to grow up and live in safety. Maybe we won’t be here to see that. Maybe she won’t either. As Hinata has a rare Bloodline Limit (which incidentally leaves her pupils the same colour as the rest of her eyes) it is likely that the Second Founding would wait for the child to be born before executing Hinata, to add the power to their arsenal. But all I know is that Akamaru and I would follow you to the ends of existence. And, whatever happens, we will all be together. But please… wrest yourself out from what has gotten hold of you.”
Kiba stood up and composed himself, looking at Hinata, who was still visibly upset. He needed to be stronger, for her. For Akamaru. For his daughter.

*****

Before I let this new version be judged, I want to make a point. After posting this here and receiving your critique, I realise that I am focusing on the wrong thing. I already know that my FanFic contains excellent ideas. One chapter in particular inspired a reader to write a poem in it's honour, and a number of others have apparently cried from the emotion of that chapter (Is this normal? I haven't heard of such a thing...).

What I should be working on is my grammar and setting out. At the moment I need work there, not on my 'style' as I originally thought. So to everyone who is helping me, thank you for making me realise that. I know that if I can get my grammar perfect that my novel (which I am starting after this FanFic concludes) will be a success

 

[TTM]

Even though no-one has replied I have seen the view counter go up substantially. For those of you who clicked on my story, thanks (even if you did by accident, or got bored and didn't complete reading it )

I'm commencing the next chapter tomorrow or the day after (depending on how bombed I am after work) and I will try and put some of the grammar you guys outlined into practice.

Thanks for your support, and maybe soon I will submit another piece of literature on here, to see if I have progressed

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, Time Traveller,

Glad we could be of help.

Now I understand a few more things.

The problem with excerpts is that we don't have all the references, hence a certain obscurity that would not be there if we knew the story from the beginning.

I'd like to see the beginning, if possible.

Read you soon,

Giovanna

 

[TTM]

Thanks for the reply

In regards to my story I would have trouble posting the start of it here, mainly because of the length (plus I made a lot of mistakes back then and I would probably be laughed off the board )

I would link, but I don't like people blatantly promoting their Fics in a post with specifically getting coverage in mind.

If you are serious I can PM you a link to my deviantART account, where the whole thing is being stored. Talk to me through PM and let me know if you're interested or not, but if you aren't I won't be cut up or anything

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Got to wake up for work at 4am

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Okay, I'll do that tonight.

*she runs away to her appointment*

 

[TTM]

Alright, I'm hiking an island for the next three days. If anyone wants to reach me I'll reply on Saturday afternoon

And I like the background and hair colour change on your avatar Giovanna