Book Description/blurb for fantasy novel with SF elements

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pambaddeley

pambaddeley

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I've been trying to come up with a book description for Kindle and an eventual back cover blurb for the paperback, for the novel I'm currently revising.

There are a lot of characters including more than one villain, one of whom 'works' for the main one but has his own agenda, so I've tried to keep it to the absolute essentials to avoid too many names in case some of this sounds too general. Also in light of the need to keep things short, its 166 words.

Here goes:

Raised as a servant in his father’s household, Faradon is denied his birthright. Now, at the age of nineteen, even his life is threatened by his elder brother. His only hope of escape is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. But his innate sense of justice embroils him in the affairs of a young thief, Nat, and both are outlawed, reliant on the help of Tara, a travelling warrior woman.

As storm clouds gather and an ancient menace from the stars moves against Faradon’s homeland, he and his newfound friends must find a legendary sword and use it to defeat the enemy. Arrayed against them is an army of mutated humans and ferocious hounds, backed by dark forces. Even with the help of a small feisty dragon called Wendos, a race of warriors known as Elves, and an alien woman with strange powers, it will take every scrap of courage and intelligence Faradon possesses to overcome treachery and to claim his destiny.
 
Hi Pam, comments below in bold :)

pambaddeley said:
I've been trying to come up with a book description for Kindle and an eventual back cover blurb for the paperback, for the novel I'm currently revising.

There are a lot of characters including more than one villain, one of whom 'works' for the main one but has his own agenda, so I've tried to keep it to the absolute essentials to avoid too many names in case some of this sounds too general. Also in light of the need to keep things short, its 166 words.

Here goes:

Raised as a servant in his father’s household, Faradon is denied his birthright.to me, both those clauses say much the same thing. Now, at the age of nineteen, even can't say why this made me twitch except that even and the fact it's his life and the ultimate loss seem to contradict each other. his life is threatened by his elder brother. His only hope of escape is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. This i like But his innate sense of justice embroils him in the affairs of a young thief, Nat, and both are outlawed, reliant on the help of Tara, a travelling warrior woman.the two names so close threw me a little - do you need Tara?

As storm clouds gather that feels very cliched and a little bit woolly and an ancient menace from the stars ditto - I think being a little more specific, or even clarifying the stakes, might help moves against Faradon’s homeland, he and his newfound friends must find a legendary sword and use it to defeat the enemy. I think here you're moving into spoilers and synopsis territory. Can you leave it that it's up to them to find the way to save the day, having made the stakes clearer? Arrayed against them is an army of mutated humans and ferocious hounds, backed by dark forces. Lists are generally frowned on...Even with the help of a small feisty dragon called Wendos, a race of warriors known as Elves, and an alien woman with strange powers, it will take every scrap of courage and intelligence Faradon possesses to overcome treachery and to claim his destinythe ending is fine but just a little cliched - especially since i also can't work out why he wants to claim his destiny since the mercenary sounded potentially more interesting.....
Click to expand...

So, in essence, I think the stakes need to be clearer, some of the additional details that head into spoiler could be removed, and, perhaps, it needs to sound a little more dangerous and less cliched.

Hope it helps! Jo
 
OK thanks Victoria and Jo. Will do a bit more head scratching. Synopses etc are not my favourite kind of writing.

The storm clouds are literal - there's a massive great storm, caused through mental manipulation of alien technology at the mini climax that forms the end of the first part of the book. Was trying not to go into infodump/exposition on the alien background as it can't be done that succinctly. The claiming destiny bit is that it was a childhood dream which he had tried to forget - but when he is directed towards finding the sword, he feels responsible for the safety and ultimate futures of lots of ordinary people - for reasons I don't want to explain but are to do with his family background.
 
I really want to keep Tara's name as she is such an important character so I've shifted her name to the end of the sentence.
I can see your point about perhaps having some redundancy in the first sentence but the whole 'birthright' thing does turn out to be quite important in the scheme of things. Anyway,I've had two goes at redrafting the first paragraph, but the second paragraph is giving me enormous problems at the moment.

Take 1 (Para 1 only)

Raised as a servant in his father’s household, Faradon has reached the age of nineteen. Now his life is threatened by his elder brother, and his only hope of escape is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. But his innate sense of justice embroils him in the affairs of a young thief, Nat, and both are outlawed, reliant on the help of a travelling warrior woman, Tara.

Take 2 (Para 1 only)

Raised as a servant in his father’s household, nineteen year old Faradon is now in danger from his elder brother. His only hope of escape is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. But his innate sense of justice embroils him in the affairs of a young thief, Nat, and both are outlawed, reliant on the help of a travelling warrior woman, Tara.
 
Well I had a go at making para 2 more specific/setting out the stakes. Not sure it works but I can only try. :confused:

Faradon’s troubles are overshadowed when a religious war is launched against his homeland by a worshipper of the dark god, who leads an alliance of mutated humans, priests and others, using ancient technology from the stars. Faradon’s personal quest draws him directly into the conflict, and he and his newfound friends must spearhead the fight against the enemy. But even with the help of a small feisty dragon called Wendos and an alien woman with strange powers, it will take every scrap of courage and intelligence he possesses to overcome treachery and survive, let alone win.
 
IMO you're trying to stuff too much in this. Try to focus on one main conflict and build around that. IMO forget about it being a synopsis, and think about it being more like the blurb on the back of a book. Remember, less is more, so don't worry about squeezing in details - that's for the story to do. :)
 
Exactly what @Brian G Turner said - this is a blurb, it doesn't need to tell the whole story. Personally, the two females could go and nothing would be lost. (When I do Abendau, no mention is made of Sonly or Lichio in any of the three blurbs, and they are both key central characters, for instance.) So, keep your paragraph one, lose Tara and add a humdinger last line about what the stakes are. :D
 
I think that's true -- too much. If you have to keep Tara, do you need Nat? Also, why is he in danger from his brother? It doesn't sound like Faradon himself poses much threat.
 
I sense that there are things we are not being told here that might punch this up a bit.

pambaddeley said:
Raised as a servant in his father’s household, Faradon has reached the age of nineteen. Now his life is threatened by his elder brother, and his only hope of escape is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. But his innate sense of justice embroils him in the affairs of a young thief, Nat, and both are outlawed, reliant on the help of a travelling warrior woman, Tara.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately it's a bit difficult to tell.
Why is he raised as a servant?
Why is 19 the magic age and his brother wants to--what--Kill him?
Where is his father all this time?
I think you could get away with just Faradon being named.

Let's make something up.

Raised like a slave in his own home Faradon's life takes a horrible turn when his father dies and his elder brother decides to get rid of the family embarrassment. To escape this fate Faradon becomes an outlaw and mercenary, guiding his own life and shedding family ties forging new friendships. Never realizing his life and quest would land him in the center of war, when a worshiper of the dark god leads an alliance of mutated humans, priests and others using ancient technology from the stars against his homeland. It may take every scrap of courage and intelligence that he and his new found friends have just to survive.

I have no idea what your story is but if you insert your story into this and make it short and sweet I'm not sure that you need all those characters mentioned.

Ignore that spurious attachment. :eek:
 
OK thanks all. To answer Hex and Tinkerdan, he's raised a servant because his mother died giving him birth and his father hates him for it. His brother has psychopathic tendencies, plus he thinks Faradon might father children and sees them as a threat to his own future heirs. The family is very important for reasons to do with ancient history that has direct bearing on current events.

OK, had another go, probably not quite there yet :notworthy: Struggling a lot with the second para .... I did put in the 'stars' bit because I'm concerned that otherwise it won't be clear that the book has SFnal elements; it's not a 'straight' fantasy.
*********************************************************************************

Raised as a servant in his own home, Faradon needs an escape route after his brother threatens to have him killed. His only hope is to adopt the perilous existence of a mercenary. But his innate sense of justice brings him into direct and bloody conflict with his family and he is outlawed.

As he makes new friendships and tries to forge his own destiny, he is pulled into the hub of a religious war. The enemy revives ancient technology from the stars, and Faradon must spearhead the resistence. It will take every scrap of courage and intelligence that he and his new-found friends possess just to survive.
 
Pam,

It is interesting to see this get better and better. Might I suggest that you drop the phrase, "and Faradon must spearhead the resistance." I think dropping it sharpens up the thrust of what you are saying. Perhaps the line should go something like "Then the enemy revives ancient technology from the stars."
 
I don't know your story, but from what you've posted here I might personally try to simplify the blurb to a rough draft like this:



Faradon's own family would kill him and steal his birthright. To escape them he must join the company of outlaws and mercenaries.

But when an ancient enemy appears from the stars, it threatens to destroy his homeland.

There are legends of special artefact that might turn them back. But to find it will require unlikely allies.

Faradon once would have been happy just to claim the titles due to him. Destiny might give him more - or it might break him.
 
I like it, especially the part about "technology from the stars". I get tired of Fantasy where everyone uses swords forever.

I had no problem with the elder brother being out to get him. OB's generally were out kill all their younger siblings as the inheritance laws sorta mandate that, so that can be a given
 
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