A conversation - 650 words

I've attempted to condense some information into a single conversation. Does it work, and is it obvious that these two are friends who like to needle each other?

***********

Gareth Morbul sat in his cubicle, idly editing a piece about the serial killer he’d written for page seven. He was wondering if he should adopt the Feeder nickname some of the other publications had started using. Suddenly he was aware of a presence on his left.

‘Oh Gaaareth.’

‘Hi Felicity.’

‘I need help with something. I’m doing vital research. For science.’

‘I’m not testing makeup for you again.’

‘No, this is something fun.’

‘You said that about the makeup.’

She considered this. ‘I had fun.’

‘So did everyone you showed the pictures to.’

‘I’m not going away until you say yes.’

He sighed theatrically. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘What are you doing to me this time?’

‘Feeding you. This waaay.’

She pulled him up, linked an arm around his and led him to the staff canteen.

‘Sit,’ she commanded, and trotted off. She returned minutes later with a thermal box.

‘I thought you said this was for science,’ he said as she placed the box in front of him. ‘You lied to me.’

‘Domestic science,’ she replied. ‘Open.’

Gareth opened the box and goggled at the multitude of burgers therein.

‘You can’t expect me to eat all of these?’

‘Why not? I ate that many.’

‘You’ll pile the weight on,’ he warned as he picked the first one up and started eating.

‘I wish, but I’d just burn it off at self defence.’

‘Since when do you do self defence?’

‘Since a couple of years ago, when hubby nagged me into it. Said that this is Southside, anything can happen to anyone at any time, blah blah blah. It gets him off my back, and keeps me fit and trim. Worse luck.’

‘Worse luck?’

‘Say what you will about the bigger girls, at least they’ve got boobs. I mean look at these! Do these look like breasts to you?’

‘Dunno. Show me.’

She glanced around, flicked her top up and down again almost as quickly.

Gareth almost choked on the bit of burger he was eating.

‘I can’t believe you actually did that!’

She blushed. ‘Me neither. Let us never speak of this again.’

He managed to eat two and a half burgers before he started feeling nauseous and cried off eating the rest. Her notepad was out in a trice.

‘So which was best?’ she asked.

‘Uh…’ They’d all tasted alike to him. He picked up one of the discarded labels at random. ‘This one.’

‘OK…’ she started writing. ‘Independent research has confirmed that Prezzies remains the best burger joint in town, proving once again the old maxim. President Mitchell couldn’t run the economy, but he sure can cook a burger. Sound good to you?’

‘Sure.’

‘So. In your expert opinion, who do I have to blackmail to get to write serious news stories around here?’

‘You should try not being so good at the lifestyle stuff – if you can’t be replaced you can’t be promoted. Or demoted in your case.’ He pulled an imaginary tape recorder from his pocket. ‘So Felicity Young. Having escaped the quota-based pay of the senior news team for a more stable salary, you have expressed a desire to return to that shark pool. The Times has just one question for you – are you out of your bloody mind?’

‘I would say to The Times that while I’m awesome at Lifestyle, I do have more to share with the world than what handbag you should be seen with this season. So do I blackmail Bill? Or do I wait for you to get the Editor’s job and seduce you?’

He laughed. ‘Felicity Young, I am shocked! You’re a married woman! Not to mention old enough to be my big sister!’

She tutted. ‘Fine, I’ll get one of my friends to seduce you instead.’

‘That’s better.’

‘Any preference?’

‘Not Jenna. She scares me.’ He checked his watch. ‘Anyway I’d best get back to work.’

MemoryTale said:

is it obvious that these two are friends who like to needle each other?

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Sure, that comes across, and there's some nice humour in there. But because it's all dialogue it's more like a screenplay than an extract from a novel at the moment - we only see the characters, we don't experience either of them.

This has some good elements to it and I think the speaker is clear most of the way through. It's difficult to do that with so much dialogue and it makes for an interesting experiment. It might all depend on what you want to accomplish here and though it's impressive in the sense that some of us have trouble sustaining good dialogue, there is still something to say for filling us in with some of the action that might be occurring because I'm pretty sure more is going on then just dialogue.

Leaving it like this is open for someone to start filling in the action in their head and that may or may not help get your point across.
My wandering mind wants to add this...for example::

Gareth Morbul was normally tightly wound ready to spring most days; but today he sat in his cubical idly editing a page seven piece about a serial killer, wondering if the publishing mill's feeder nickname was worth using. A presence looming next to him was almost a welcome distraction until she spoke.

‘Oh Gaaareth.’She stood with arms behind her back.

‘Hi Felicity.’ He didn't have to see her to know who it was, but he brought his gaze up: regretfully.

‘I need help with something." She swung her arms around front and cupped her hands together. 'Vital research.' Her eyes darted to the side like an anxious Beagle. 'For science.’

‘I’m not testing makeup for you again.’ He let his mouth screw up in his best lemony pose.

‘No, this is something fun.’ Her eyes had that wide mad look they get.

‘You said that about the makeup.’ He let his head drop; but kept his gaze upon her face, wondering if she might pop a blood vessel in one of those eyes.

'I...' She paused enough for her eyes to deflate. ‘...had fun.’

‘As did everyone you showed the pictures to.’ He looked down, then began to spin his chair back toward his work. A gentle but firm hand grasped the back of the seat and he came to an abrupt halt. He gazed upward.

‘I’m not going away until you say yes.’ Her arms crossed and her eyes shrunk to diminutive slits.

‘Fine,’ He sighed while his shoulders dropped and hands fell into his lap. ‘What are you doing to me this time?’

‘Feeding you.' She leaned in toward him and her slim fingers grasped his tie as if to adjust it minutely. ' This waaay.’ One strong finger looped under the knot and she pulled him out of his seat just enough to link her arm in his: in a traditional sense. However any illusion of submission on her part was evaporated by her quick steps as she dragged him toward the staff canteen.

::
The point is that I might now be giving your characters some attributes that might not take this where you want to go with them.

You write dialogue like I used to.

Its clear, it made me smile a few times, the characters have got distinctive voices and you present them well and I will now you what people told me - don't write dialogue like that. Not in a book at any rate.

As a good rule of thumb, I would suggest never going more than 3 or 4 bits of speech without a pause of some sort. Maybe a character moves, or maybe we get the thoughts of the PoV character, or something. Just there needs to be something to break it up and add context. If you read PG Wodehouse - and arguably no man has ever written dialogue in the English language better - you'll frequently find pages of his work that are like this with two characters joshing each other with witty one liners. You can see how he's following this rule. I know, because I once tried to defend doing it the way I had, and I looked at Wodehouse and realised he was throwing in all those breaks. As do I now.

And I recommend you do too

The Big Peat said:

I would suggest never going more than 3 or 4 bits of speech without a pause of some sort.

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Aw, you beat me to it - I was gonna say that!

I liked it, @MemoryTale, and I think it does work in the sense that the nature of their friendship comes through. I found the second half easier to read than the first, but I struggled with the opening few lines. As others have said though, more than a few lines of pure dialogue without any attributions or "beats" to make it read easier like you did in the latter section:

MemoryTale said:

She blushed. ‘Me neither. Let us never speak of this again.’

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I think if you add some of those little touches in the early section it will be even better. Really liked the banter between them though, great stuff.

Yes - it needs some actions and internal thought in there to enrich the dialogue and fully immerse us.

Well that's all pretty conclusive, thank you everyone. Does this work better then?

***************

Gareth Morbul sat in his cubicle, idly editing a piece about the serial killer he’d written for page seven. He was wondering if he should adopt the Feeder nickname some of the other publications had started using. Suddenly he was aware of a presence on his left.

‘Oh Gaaareth.’

‘Hi Felicity.’

‘I need help with something. I’m doing vital research. For science.’

‘I’m not testing makeup for you again.’

She grabbed his arm and started trying to tug him up. ‘No, this is something fun,’ she promised.

He shot her a glare that might have been threatening, were it not obvious he was trying to hide a smile. ‘You said that about the makeup.’

She considered this. ‘I had fun.’

‘So did everyone you showed the pictures to.’

She looped an arm around his shoulders and spoke quietly in his ear. ‘I’m not going away until you say yes.’

He sighed theatrically. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘What are you doing to me this time?’

‘Feeding you. This waaay.’

She pulled him up, linked an arm around his and led him to the staff canteen.

‘Sit,’ she commanded, and trotted off. She returned minutes later with a thermal box.

‘I thought you said this was for science,’ he said as she placed the box in front of him. ‘You lied to me.’

‘Domestic science,’ she replied as she took a seat opposite him. ‘Open.’

Gareth opened the box and goggled at the multitude of burgers therein.

‘You can’t expect me to eat all of these?’

‘Why not? I ate that many.’

‘You’ll pile the weight on,’ he warned as he picked the first one up and started eating.

‘I wish, but I’d just burn it off at self defence.’

‘Since when do you do self defence?’

‘Since a couple of years ago, when hubby nagged me into it. Said that this is Southside, anything can happen to anyone at any time, blah blah blah.' She waved a hand. 'It gets him off my back, and keeps me fit and trim. Worse luck.’

***************

The tags I've put in aren't necessarily what I'll use, but is the dialogue better broken now?

@Gonk the Insane glad you liked the banter - I had a blast writing scenes with these two

@The Big Peat I have to go and read some P G Wodehouse now.

Yes - you'll tighten it but that's a better balance.

Yes, I think it flows better now and is a much smoother read.
Just one thing:

MemoryTale said:

were it not obvious he was trying to hide a smile.

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The use of "were" came across as a little formal, particularly with the informal language of banter around it.

MemoryTale said:

I had a blast writing scenes with these two

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Yeah, I can imagine it's a lot of fun to write, too.

I enjoyed the second version better, I found it much easier to follow.

In version 1, I got to exactly here:

***
‘Sure.’

‘So. In your expert opinion, who do I have to blackmail to get to write serious news stories around here?’
***

And lost track of who was who momentarily. (probably my fault though to be honest; tired)

But in the second version I managed to stay connected and it seemed to move at a more brisk pace.


A bit off topic but I can see those two doing something regrettable together... The sort of thing that threatens marriages

Also this was my first ever attempt at a critique, so I apologise if it was terrible.

What I'm curious about is the kind of information you feel you have condensed within this scene? You mentioned at the very beginning that you wanted to convey 'some information', but I'm not exactly sure what that is - besides the fact that Felicity is married, does self-defence, and apparently likes to subject her co-worker to weird science experiments while plotting for a job promotion. This is all fine, I guess, but there's not a lot of tension in any of that and, interestingly, none of that information actually involves Gareth, who is your POV character. Because of the lack of emotional insight we are given into his character (or indeed factual insight) we as readers don't really know how he's feeling, thinking, etc. At the end of the scene we really know nothing more about him than we did at the beginning, and as a result he just feels kind of... flat, to me.

In your edit you've done a decent job of including some good physical descriptors to give a bit of energy to your dialogue. My next suggestion would be to go another layer and try to add some emotional tells as well, particularly for Gareth. Is he feeling nervous, excited, bored, awkward, relaxed during this exchange? Are his palms sweating or does he feel totally at ease with her? When Felicity offers to seduce him and he laughs, is that a nervous laugh to break the tension or a genuine laugh between friends, or is it even a 'god I can't believe you would suggest that' kind of laugh? Does he end the conversation because he's desperate to get away or because he's bored or because he's afraid of where the talk is going? I dunno, I just wanted *something* from him to give me a clue about his personality. I know others prefer that kind of minimalist vibe, but personally I like my characters with a spoonful of angst so I was searching for a reason to care and, well, not really finding one tbh.

Good work on second go around on this.

One thought;

He shot her a glare that might have been threatening, were it not obvious he was trying to hide a smile. ‘You said that about the makeup.’

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This borders on too much information and though this piece manages to juggle itself into an omniscient type of point of view, I think there are parts that explain too much and more even than the present narrator might want to give away and it could be shortened with a bit of trust that the reader can figure things out.

:: He shot her a threatening glare that fractured into a crooked half smile struggling to escape a frown. 'You said that about the makeup.' ::

And then this one is a classic example of what some of us talk about when we say avoid adjectives and adverbs.

He sighed theatrically. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘What are you doing to me this time?’

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I think in this instance by way of dialogue and the context the 'theatrically' will be inferred by most readers and you might reconsider using it.

As has been mentioned this could be tightened and the saved space could be used for more narrative to help get the point across using a lot of handy body language to support the words. Little bit less of what might have been and was obviously not; instead showing us what that might look like.