Excerpt: An Awkward Conversation

[Jester85]

For a little context, Piaa is hiring a black market pilot named Vaz to take her somewhere. Vaz is a fox/Human splice. No this is not the opening of some kind of furry porno, if you’re wondering.

On her way up the boarding ramp, Piaa supposed she should at least thank the surly pilot. Da and Mumi had raised her better than that, after all.

“Yea, yea,” Vaz waved off, tail twitching as he rummaged around, “Just be sure to transfer those credits to the account we discussed, yea?”

The narrow cot in the corner suddenly seemed ominously conspicuous. She realized a little belatedly they hadn’t really discussed sleeping arrangements. “And, um, where am I going to....be?”

“Well that depends, Snowy,” the fox splice said with a cheeky grin, finally turning to face her, “Where would you like to be?”

Yup. That was about the response she’d expected. Piaa met his leer with a carefully blank expression and carefully blank thoughts. “I’d have assumed a black market pilot-for-hire has guest quarters?”

“Oh. Right,” Vaz visibly deflated and smacked the door button. The door slid halfway open with a screech of gears that made them both flatten their ears, until Vaz smacked it hard a couple times and it tortuously dragged itself two-thirds of the way before evidently deciding it could go no further. “Down the corridor to your right. If you get stuck, yell.”

Her expression must have given away what an encouraging thought that was, because he clicked his teeth and rolled his eyes at the ceiling. “You get what you pay for, Miss Monte Tallum.”

And, well, she couldnt really argue with that, so she gave a crisp nod. He was still staring at her though, and for the second time in as many minutes she was suddenly again questioning what she was getting herself into. “You, um....just the payment we agreed? I mean....you’re not going to be making....other demands when we’re out there in space, right?”

Vaz’s eyes narrowed, looking a little offended. “I don’t make those kinds of demands, Miss Gevtz. That being said, if everyone’s of a mind, I’m up for anything really.”

Piaa huffed a laugh. “You and my brother would get along.”

“Might have done, once or twice,” the fox splice shrugged, eyes flicking evasively away.

“Might have....okay, you really need to tell me you’re putting me on.”

Vaz at least had enough decency to look abashed. “I’m...putting you on?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“Would you prefer it to be a statement?”

“Oh for....” She flicked an irritated finger at the narrow cot. “Has my brother been on there or not?”

After an interminably awkward pause, Vaz flatly said, “No.”

“Thanks be to all the gods,” Piaa breathed in relief, gathering up her robes to sit on the battered futon, pausing when she saw the strange look on Vaz’s eyes.

The fox splice was cringing, eyes flicking between her and the futon. A feeling of dread settled over Piaa as she half-stood frozen in place. “He was on here, wasn’t he?”

“Yup,” Vaz groaned, eyes pressed shut.

Piaa nodded gravely, gathering herself back up. “Okay, just so we’re clear, you and I are officially never happening, yea?”

Vaz’s eyes widened and for a moment a spark of something flickered across them that might have been....hurt? Whatever it was, it was gone before she could get a good read on it and the fox splice was clucking his teeth, arms folded across his chest and leaning against the bulkhead, only his restlessly twitching tail giving away his show of forced nonchalance, but she politely ignored that. Mostly.

“Yea, yea, that’s fine. I figured that anyway. And, I mean, frankly lady, everyone doesn’t wanna get with you just because you’re beautiful...”

Vaz’s eyes suddenly turned to saucers mirroring the face she was probably making right now. “Uh, I mean, not that I was saying....you are beautiful, but I just meant your, uh, genes. Good genes. Good family. Obviously. Your brother is very beautiful too, and I’m sure your parents—”

“Ye gods, stop, that’s too weird.”

“Yea,” Vaz instantly agreed, looking relieved she’d cut off his babbling, rubbing a hand forcefully over his face like he was trying to wake himself up. “So, uh, I’m gonna go check the engine.”

“You do that,” Piaa said solemnly, trying valiantly to keep a straight face and very nearly making it. Vaz caught it, and had the insolence to flash a quick grin of very white, very sharp little teeth before vanishing down the hatch with a flick of bushy red tail, leaving Piaa to ponder possibly the most awkward conversation of her life before she stifled a chuckle into the sleeve of her robe.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I do like your use of words, and the prose generally flowed well for me. However, my big criticism is that once you'd underlined potential sexual tensions, the whole issue seemed to drag on and become repetitive. I was happy for this to end at:

And, well, she couldnt really argue with that, so she gave a crisp nod.

and then allow the story to move on.

From this excerpt alone, I think you could have dropped in any further questions about her brother and Vaz's attraction to her for later on, as that might help the story feel dynamic. What you have at the moment feels like two people stopping for a chat, which threatens to negate the very tensions you are trying to establish.

So, no big problems for me with the text, I would just suggest you look at what you're doing structurally, so that you can maintain pace and clarity, and cut out for later anything not immediately necessary.

Otherwise, I did like some of the snappy dialogue, and was very much remind of Zootropolis - which is a good thing.

2c.

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked this and as has been mentioned I'd agree that less is more.
I wouldn't mind some intimation about the brother, however unless this is furry porn then you dwell on it too much.

Perhaps if you had her glance at the cot and then around the small quarters and say::
'My brother...?' Piaa asked.
'What?' Vas dropped his eyelids to narrow slits.
'Has he, uhh--never-mind.' She sighed and gathered her robe from the battered futon. She glanced at the futon and back at Vaz, whose eyes were glassy-glazed while his tail wafted the air anxiously and if it were possible she'd swear he was flush under the fir. She opened her mouth as his eyes squeezed shut and she shook her head, deciding it's best not to go there.

::Something short and indecisive, let the reader fill in the gaps.


Then get on with the story....

 

[The Big Peat]

I found the opening kinda jarring - I presume there's text before it and this isn't a chapter opening or the like?

Its fun but let down by the fact that there doesn't appear to be anything happening - no change, no conflict.

 

[DelActivisto]

Okay, it might not be the opening to a furry porno, but the conversation makes it feel likes that's where the story is headed. It is awkward, but it also has so many sexual undercurrents that the reader is probably going to be expecting something to, um, happen. I don't have a problem with that, myself, but it seems like that is not where you want it to head, so I thought I would point it out.

I will second others' opinions that there doesn't seem to be much happening, but sometimes that's not a problem. We can't see the undercurrents to the story that you can see. So in each scene to a story, something new and cool needs to be happening, and ultimately it needs to drive the story forward. Any easy way to check is delete the entire scene and read the scene immediately before and after the deleted scene. If the story still is basically the same, you didn't need the scene, OR you can compress it into a paragraph or something. I'm not saying you should do that, just giving you a suggestion on how to decide that for yourself.

 

[Toby Frost]

I agree with Brian. It’s fine but overstated, and stopping at the point that Brian indicates will stop that happening. Sexual tension of the “will they won’t they” variety is one thing, but given how long the conversation goes on, it feels more like those serials where it’s obvious that the characters will get together, but the only issue is when. Also, I think cutting the conversation there will get rid of the feeling that nothing is happening.

 

[Appello]

It totally depends on the wider context of the story, whether this conversation falls into the 'awkward but justified for story-building' category or the 'just plain weird and creepy and unnecessary' one.

My first thought upon mention of a 'black market pilot' was of a serious, darker story, but this was massively off-set when Vaz just blithely waved away payment on the 'you'll put it in my bank sometime' proviso. Okay, so this guy's not super professional, I thinks, but maybe there's context surrounding their interactions that makes this level of trust/naivety explainable.

Then, we get the first hint of sexual innuendo. This gave me a vibe of 'innocent-but-stoic-heroine meets dashingly-inappropriate-but-still-lovable-rogue.' I'm expecting her to blush and storm out to foxy-man's laughter, or else pull a dagger on him in a clumsy attempt to demonstrate she's serious about her mission. Buuut the conversation just kinda plods along into an awkward conversation about the brother, which was kinda weird and strange I admit, but maybe not in the way you were going for (personally, if it was me, any mention of my brother's sexual activities and I am outta there big time, male or female I don't care I just don't really wanna know, and especially not the particulars of whether they did it on the couch or the bed.)

That aside, my biggest point of concern would be to make sure you're not using this conversation as a 'virtue signal' for your protagonist to show how open and tolerant they are (fair play, if your wider universe is such that this conversation genuinely isn't out of the ordinary). Otherwise, your character's response of 'we, are never ever ever, getting b̶a̶c̶k̶ together' when foxy-boy hasn't even really made a play at her, just makes her seem a little up herself and sassy-girl™.

Just on that, once again don't know the context of your story, but you might want to watch out for Mary-Sueisms, because 'male-stranger-who's-only-just-met-protagonist-accidentally-calling-her-beautiful' is definitely a red-flag for me. And you want to watch for consistent characterisation, because in my reading your characters swap roles in this conversation - at the start Piaa is blushing and shy and Vaz is the world-weary cynic, but by the end of the conversation Piaa has gone sass machine and Vaz all of a sudden develops a tongue-tie and a blushing-virgin complex, before finishing off with an 'insolent grin.' It's all a bit confusing, tbh.

Basically, what i took from this conversation was that Piaa was a bit immature and full of herself, and Vaz has the hots for her but doesn't want her to know. If that's not what you were going for, you might want to re-work it a little

PS - just wanted to add that 'putting you on' makes absolutely no sense to me as an Australian. I gathered from googling that it's the American equivalent of 'taking the piss', but it really took me out of the story and made the resultant conversation even more confusing than it already was. You might want to consider a non-American specific that conveys the same thing?