Excerpt from first chapter

[Sarakael]

Hi there, this is my first attempt at writing anything. (also my first post here)

I have written a 7000 word long first chapter that this excerpt comes from.

Any advice/comments etc would be greatly appreciated.

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A noise from the head of the table made them turn to that direction. Mayor Stone had stood up and was preparing to say something. The mayor was a large man and not large in the same way as Jaim Smith or Joseph. A baker by trade, he had sampled too many of his own wares over the years. The villagers' conversations died away.

Stone's booming voice carried easily to the far end of the tables. “Tomorrow the people of Remnrick and the surrounding area fulfill their duty to defend the peoples of the Five Territories from the savage Horde that infest The Waste. We do this by sending our sons Keltham Blade and Joseph Iron to Castle Glayd. They follow in the footsteps of their fathers and their fathers' fathers and their fathers' fathers' fathers. We can go back centuries and all through that time Remnrick has sent its sons to Glayd. Let no one say that we have not done our duty.”

Cheers rang out through the crowd with many shouting “Remnrick!”

The mayor continued, “Please all raise your mugs to Kelt and Joseph, may they return to us with all honour and glory.”

In unison the village shouted, “Kelt and Joseph!” Many bashed the tables with their mugs and stamped the ground with their feet.

Once the ruckus had died down Mayor Stone said more somberly, “Let us not forget our fathers, sons and brothers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice to keep us safe. As a sign of respect to those who can not be here let us mark a minutes passing in silence.”

Immediately everyone fell silent. Kelt looked over at his friend, Joseph's face was stone. His father had died in battle against the Horde, Joseph was a babe at the time and had never known the father who was his namesake. It had taken Martha ten years to remarry and while Rosh Sky was a good man, Joseph did not consider him his father. If anything Jaim was the closest person he had to father figure.

After the mayor had adjudged a minute had passed he said. “I now hand over to Chaplain Tomas who will preside over a benediction for Kelt and Joseph. Come to the front please boys.”

Ysabel squeezed his hand underneath the table in support. They rose and walked the short distance to where the chaplain and mayor were standing. Kelt felt every pair of eyes in the village on them.

Chaplain Tomas was shorter than Kelt, but thicker. His white hair did not match his age which was somewhere in between Kelt's and his parents. His large arms and the mace that always hung at his belt would give any man pause, even if he did not know that they faced a priest of the war god. He motioned for them to kneel in front of him. They knelt down facing the villagers. Moving behind them he then placed both hands on Joseph's shoulders. After waiting for silence he said, “Oh great Gehu, we, your faithful worshipers, give this man, Joseph Iron, into your protection. May you make his arm strong that he may smite his enemies in battle, may you make his heart strong that he may defeat his fear, may you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him.”

He then moved behind Kelt and placed rough hands on his shoulders. “Oh great Gehu,” he intoned. “We, your faithful worshipers, give this man, Keltham Blade, into your protection.”

Someone in the crowd shouted, “Look to the sky!”

Kelt who had, neck bent, been looking at the ground, looked up. The villagers were all looking to the heavens. Above them the night sky was filled with shooting stars. He had never seen anything like it before. The sky was completely filled. It was beautiful and eerie at the same time. The villagers began to murmur. Kelt felt the hands on his shoulders tense.

After a moment Chaplain Tomas continued, “May you make his arm strong that he may smite his enemies in battle.”

Suddenly the flames of the bonfire roared upwards ten feet and those close to it jumped backwards. Not a few of the women screamed. Now there were more than murmurs.

Next to him Joseph exclaimed, “Gehu's blood!” It was a sign of the chaplain's own shock that he did not clip Joseph behind the ear.

Clearly shaken the chaplain continued, “May you make his heart strong that he may defeat his fear.”

The fire roared again.

His hands gripped Kelt's shoulder like a vice and his voice was a whisper. Kelt was sure only he and Joseph could hear him. “May you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him.” Lighting snaked through the clear sky above them and deafening thunder crashed around them.

The villagers were all shouting at once now. Joseph was watching Kelt his eyes wide.

Chaplain Peter managed to compose himself and shouted about the din. “BE QUIET!” The noise eventually died down. “We will finish the ceremony.” Taking hold of the thurible next to him he placed incense on the burning charcoal within it. He swung it twice behind them and then twice in front of them. Incense filled the air. “Rise now servants of Gehu,” he said loudly.

In a daze Kelt rose and walked back to his seat. He barely noticed the stares or Joseph sitting down next to him. Above him the shooting stars were slowly disappearing. Suddenly he was very concious of the deathly quiet around him. It sounded even quieter than during the minute of silence if that was possible. Every pair of eyes in the village were on him. He finished the rest of the ale in his mug in one go.

After a long moments silence Garth Blade stood up. “Ean would you be so kind as to play us a song on your flute?”

“Yes... yes... of course,” replied Ean Skinner.

“Mayor Fenis, Chaplain Peter, please meet with me in the inn.”

The mayor managed to wipe the stunned look off his face and nodded. “Everyone back to the celebrations!” he shouted and then headed off to the inn. The priest stood still for a moment looking at the sky then the fire and finally at Kelt before he too walked off. His father said something to Tamil and then he and Sartha followed the mayor and the priest. Ean took up his flute and A Maid Dancing filled the silence. Slowly conversation began again and soon people were even singing along to it.

 

[Jaiye]

Looks to me to have the workings of a good plot line! But there were a few inconsistancies and hard to read bits that stuck out to me.

On several occassions you mention a new name, but do not give the reader any information on who they are, how they are related to the main characters, what they look like, where they are in the room etc. ((E.g. Ysabel squeezed his hand underneath the table in support. They rose and walked the short distance to where the chaplain and mayor were standing. / who is Jaim???))

There is very little description of the scene and characters, you leave the reader guessing what the people look like. To me, I get very confused when I get an image of something in my head that just pops there when i read something, only to have the story refer to something I hadn't seen or write the description a while later that is completly different to what I thought. You don't need to describe everything and everyone fully on their first appearance, just feed the reader enough information so they know the basic outline of the new character when they are first mentioned and then flesh their personality and appearance out more as the story goes on.

There are a few parts where the story changes to a different charcter / scene, or was worded in such a way that didn't make sense and I had to re-read what I had read to understand it.


Regardless of a few inconsistancies and confusion, the plot does sound interesting and did leave me wondering what would happen next and why the chaplains words had the effects they did (which I assume would be revealed later in the story and is mentioned above as a way of foreshadowing and drawing the reading in).

Just needs a few little tweaks to make it flow better =)

 

[Boneman]

Sarakael, welcome to the chrons: I liked the opening, and found it read quite easily. Slight confusions in the text as to who was thinking, so here goes with my comments. Remember that, it's just the opinion of an old has-been...(Tootsie: Were you ever famous? Hack: No. Tootsie: Well how can you be a 'has-been', then?) and it's my personal opinion only.

A noise from the head of the table made them turn to that direction. Mayor Stone had stood up and was preparing to say something. The mayor was a large man and not large in the same way as Jaim Smith or Joseph. A baker by trade, he had sampled too many of his own wares over the years. The villagers' conversations died away.

Erm, turn 'in' that direction? I'm uncertain why I don't like 'had stood up', hopefully somone more erudite than I will say it's right or wrong, but it doesn't sit well, for some reason. Why not say the Mayor's fat? I was distracted by the references to Jaim Smith and Joseph, and I can see what you're trying to do, but who are these people, and who is telling us this? I know it's the narrator of the story, but you're bringing in 'telling' when I feel it might be better just 'showing' at this point, as we haven't been introduced to any of the characters, apart from the mayor. Maybe if you just said - The mayor was the village baker, and had always been own his best customer, as the large stomach and jowls showed. I feel leaving out Jaim and Joseph helps us to focus on fatty Stone.

Stone's booming voice carried easily to the far end of the tables. Don't need this sentence, just start with the speech? “Tomorrow the people of Remnrick and the surrounding area fulfill their duty to defend the peoples of the Five Territories from the savage Horde that infest The Waste. We do this by sending our sons Keltham Blade and Joseph Iron to Castle Glayd. They follow in the footsteps of their fathers and their fathers' fathers and their fathers' fathers' fathers. We can go back centuries and all through that time Remnrick has sent its sons to Glayd. Let no one say that we have not done our duty.”
Erm, this is a pretty formal speech (from a politician) and I can see that he's showing the gravitas of the situation (and probably enjoying it) but I feel there's too much in his speech. He's only talking to the villagers, not the readers of the book, so why 'and the surrounding area'? This is Remnrick, isn't it? Who's interested in the surrounding area? And I accept you could be modelling him on John Prescott, who's a pretty bloated windbag, in which case ignore all these comments, but 'We do this by sending our sons' is adding unnecessary information. They all know it happens, it's happened for centuries, possibly even last year for all we know, so do you think the speech could be better shorter? (Hah! Any politicians reading this, take note!) Like this:

“Tomorrow the people of Remnrick fulfill their duty to the peoples of the Five Territories. Our sons Keltham Blade and Joseph Iron go to Castle Glayd. They follow in the footsteps of their fathers and their fathers' fathers and their fathers' fathers' fathers. Let no man say that we have not done our duty.”

See, I don't think old fatty Stone needs to tell them it's to defend against the savage hordes that infest the waste. They all know that, don't they? And although, as I said before, it's politician-speak, it's giving the game away, and diminishes the mystery of why they're going (and the excellent bit with the priest deepens it very satisfactorily for us). I'm intrigued by this paragraph, and I want to know more, but your original paragraph made me go 'oh, that's it, I know what this story's about.' Also p'raps you could drop one of the repetitions of 'people'. Maybe ...fulfil their duty to the citizens of the five territories...?


Cheers rang out through the crowd with many shouting “Remnrick!”

Wait till the Judge gets here, she hates cliches, like the plague. Me, I use them all the time, but I'm getting better... 'Cheers rang out...?' She won't like that, and it bothers me a little. Why not a chant of 'Remnrick! Remnrick!' Just could be stronger writing (in my 'umble opinion, please don't forget that!!) if the proud citizens show their appreciation better than 'Cheers rang out...'


The mayor continued, “Please all raise your mugs to Kelt and Joseph, may they return to us with all honour and glory.” Repetition of 'all'... I think it reads better if you drop both.

In unison the village shouted, “Kelt and Joseph!” Many bashed the tables with their mugs and stamped the ground with their feet. That's more like it, some proper appreciation...possibly consider letting them '...stamped their feet', the ground seems superfluous...

Once the ruckus had died down Mayor Stone said more somberly, “Let us not forget our fathers, sons and brothers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice to keep us safe. As a sign of respect to those who can not(cannot?) be here let us mark a minute's passing in silence.”
Erm, we haven't had any indication of what tone Fatty Stone is using, which I think is good writing, you're leaving us to make up our own minds, so why add 'more somberly'? Surely: Stone waited until the ruckus died down. "Let us not forget...etc" And guess what? We're more intrigued to know what killed them, if we don't have mention earlier of the savage horde that infest the waste. Oooh, we think, summat bad going on here, wonder what it is? I think I'll keep reading, to find out.

Immediately Delete 'immediately', it has more power without it.everyone fell silent. Kelt looked over at his friend, Joseph's face was stone. His father had died in battle against the Horde, Joseph was a babe at the time and had never known the father who was his namesake. It had taken Martha ten years to remarry and while Rosh Sky was a good man, Joseph did not consider him his father. If anything Jaim was the closest person he had to father figure.
Ouch, infodump, and confusing, at that. Whose father, Kelt or Joseph's? I'm assuming it's Joseph's as you follow it with the bit about Joseph being a babe at the time, and there's about 20 years of information in this paragraph. It's a lot for Kelt to be thinking, isn't it? And you've told us too much, we know it all. It would be more powerful writing, more intriguing (ie make us want to know more) if this paragraph was just: Everyone fell silent. Kelt looked over at his friend, Joseph's face was stone. Why is it stone? I want to know, so I'll keep reading, but I actually got a bit bored with all these people who have crowded in (and distracted us from the current action). It's just too much info, and I feel it's not relevant at this point.

After the mayor had adjudged a minute had passed he said. “I now hand over to Chaplain Tomas who will preside over a benediction for Kelt and Joseph. Come to the front please boys.”

Ysabel Who is Ysabel? squeezed his hand Whose? kelt or Joseph? underneath the table in support. In support of what?They rose and walked the short distance to where the chaplain and mayor were standing. Kelt felt every pair of eyes in the village on them. Erm, would 'every eye followed them as they passed' be better? 'Kelt felt' has a weird ring to it...

Chaplain Tomas was shorter than Kelt, but thicker.Wider, or stupider? Is it relevant? His white hair did not match his age which was somewhere in between Kelt's and his parents. We don't know how old kelt or his parents are, do we? I can't make out if you want us to think that the chaplain is older than his white hair makes out, or younger, I really can't. His large arms and the mace that always hung at his belt would give any man pause, even if he did not know that they faced a priest of the war god. Erm, is he not identifyable by his clothes, or an insignia? White collar, or priest's uniform? Again, there's a lot of info you're trying to get over to us, and it's understandable, 'cos it's the first time we've met the god botherer, but it's very confusing.
He motioned for them to kneel in front of him.consider deleting 'in front of him' They knelt down facing the villagers. Moving behind them he then placed both hands on Joseph's shoulders. Erm, if they've knelt facing the villagers, he'd be behind them already, wouldn't he? After waiting for silence he said, “Oh great Gehu, we, your faithful worshipers, worshippers give this man, Joseph Iron, into your protection. May you make his arm strong that he may smite his enemies in battle, may you make his heart strong that he may defeat his fear, may you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him.” I like this priest, he talks no nonsense.

He then moved behind Kelt and placed rough hands on his shoulders.Why have his hands become rough? I think you could delete 'and placed rough hands on his shoulders' and not lose anything in the narrative. “Oh great Gehu,” he intoned. “We, your faithful worshipers, give this man, Keltham Blade, into your protection.”

Someone in the crowd shouted, “Look to the sky!” Erm, if it's totally unexpected, they'd just yell: "Look!"

Kelt who had, neck bent, been looking at the ground, looked up. Erm, sorry, this is clumsy and unnecessary. Delete it. The villagers were all looking to the heavens. And this. Above them the night sky was filled with shooting stars. He Delete 'He' and insert 'Kelt' had never seen anything like it before. The sky was completely filled. It was beautiful and eerie at the same time. The villagers began to murmur. Kelt felt the hands on his shoulders tense.

After a moment Chaplain Tomas continued, “May you make his arm strong that he may smite his enemies in battle.”

SuddenlyDelete 'suddenly' the flames of the bonfire roared upwards ten feet and those close to it jumped backwards. Not a few of the women screamed. So how many did scream? Now there were more than murmurs. Such as?Show us what's happening, don't show us what's not happening.

Next to him We know this already delete 'next to him' Joseph exclaimed, “Gehu's blood!” It was a sign of the chaplain's own shock that he did not clip Joseph behind the ear. Although it's head-hopping, I like it...

Clearly shaken the chaplain continued, “May you make his heart strong that he may defeat his fear.”

The fire roared again.

His hands gripped Kelt's shoulder like a vice and his voice was dropped to a?a whisper. Kelt was sure only he and Joseph could hear him. “May you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him.” Lighting Lightning snaked through the clear sky above them delete 'above them' and deafening thunder crashed around them.

The villagers were all shouting at once now.Erm, 'all shouting at once now'? The villagers were in uproar, surley. Joseph was watching Keltcomma his eyes wide.

Chaplain Peter What happened to chaplain tomas? managed to compose himself and shouted about above the din. “BE QUIET!” The noise eventually died down. “We will finish the ceremony.” Taking hold of the thurible next to him he placed incense on the burning charcoal within it. He swung it twice behind them and then twice in front of them. Incense filled the air. “Rise now servants of Gehu,” he said loudly.

In a daze Kelt rose and walked back to his seat. He barely noticed the stares or Joseph sitting down next to him. Above him the shooting stars were slowly disappearing. Suddenly he was very concious of the deathly quiet around him. It sounded even quieter than during the minute of silence if that was possible. Every pair of eyes in the village were on him. He finished the rest of the ale in his mug in one go.

After a long moments silence Garth Blade stood up. “Ean would you be so kind as to play us a song on your flute?”

“Yes... yes... of course,” replied Ean Skinner.

“Mayor Fenis, where's mayor stone gone? Chaplain Peter, please meet with me in the inn.”

The mayor managed to wipe the stunned look off his face and nodded. The mayor nodded, stunned????“Everyone back to the celebrations!” he shouted and then headed off to the inn. The priest stood still delete 'still' for a moment looking at the sky then the fire and finally at Kelt before he too walked off. His fatherThe priest's father is there?? said something to Tamil and then he and Sartha followed the mayor and the priest.Who are these people? Ean took up his flute and A Maid Dancing filled the silence. Slowly conversation began again and soon people were even singing along to it.

So that's it: I've been horrid, and I've tried to be constructive and it's because your writing is worth it. It has the makings of a good story, and I hope to see more of it, if I haven't put you off the chrons, altogether!!

Remember: I'm just like you, struggling with my craft, unpublished, not a professional so ignore anything you disagree with, and wait for more opinion from others on this site. Good luck with your writing.

 

[Sarakael]

Thanks for the comments I have received so far. The excerpt was actually from the middle of the chapter. I would have posted the whole chapter but the guidelines for posting said don't post very long pieces.

So yes a lot of the characters you have no idea who they are because you would have been introduced to them earlier in the chapter.

One of the reasons I posted the excerpt was to see if it felt cliched to other people. So the "cheers rang out" thing might be something to take out.

A couple times in the passage I used the last name and then changed it later to the first name ie. Mayor Fenis, Mayor Stone, his full name is Fenis Stone. This was explained earlier in the chapter. Is it best to just stick with one and not change between the first and last name?

Thank you both for the rest of the comments, I agree with almost all of them. It seems I still have a long way to go.

 

[Sarakael]

oh and the head hopping bit:

Next to him We know this already delete 'next to him' Joseph exclaimed, “Gehu's blood!” It was a sign of the chaplain's own shock that he did not clip Joseph behind the ear. Although it's head-hopping, I like it...

Should I say "Perhaps it was a sign of the chaplain's own shock"?

 

[Boneman]

Hi Sarakael,

aah, that explains a lot, then. In that case ignore all references to unknown persons, who are, by this stage, actually known.

There's so much debate about head-hopping, and there's no real consensus of opinion yet, even in the publishing world... Your addition of the word 'Perhaps' works pretty well. An alternative might be, maybe: Joseph exclaimed, “Gehu's blood!” The expected clip round the ear never came.
Because your next line is: Clearly shaken, the Chaplain continued.

See what others think, I think that your version is better.

It seems I still have a long way to go.

We all have, or we wouldn't be here, I guess. But you have made a great start, and are humble enough to know your work's not perfect and want to improve it... that attitude will take you all the way, so stick at it! You have the makings of a damn good story, from the little I've seen, so just keep going. When you're despondent, tell us and we'll cheer you up; when you're happy, tell us, and we'll share in it. Roam the wide corridors of this amazing place and comment all over ther place, especially tell others what you think of their work, and pretty soon, you'll be addicted....

 

[zachariah]

Unless it's Warcraft fanfic, do not call your Evil Enemy the Horde.

 

[The Judge]

Hello there and Welcome to the Chronicles! If you haven't already, pop across to Introductions and let us know a bit about yourself - you'll get welcomed by more than just the few of us who haunt critiques.

Despite Boneman's threats (a distinctly unflattering 'wait until your mother gets home' feel to it I thought) I find myself with relatively little to do. You've mastered the essentials of punctuation and grammar (always a good start!) and Boneman's comments were comprehensive as well as entertaining - follow his suggestions carefully would be my advice.

So, what can I find that he missed?

'Mayor Stone had stood up...' - I agree that although this might be technically correct, it reads oddly, perhaps because we all know that 'were stood' is so very wrong. I'd suggest 'had come to his feet' or something of that kind to avoid the awkwardness.

'Mayor Stone said more somberly...' - I don't mind the adverb, but if you're English it should be 'sombrely'. (Sorry - too lazy to check your details but if you are American ignore this, and probably Boneman's 'worshippers' with 2 'p's.)

'Kelt looked over at his friend, Joseph's face was stone.' - if we know from earlier in the chapter that Kelt only has one friend, then this is OK save for the comma - you need a semi-colon at the very least, probably a colon, or even a full stop (period if you're American). If we don't know, or Kelt seems a popular guy, then it has to be '... looked over at his friend, Joseph, whose face was...' though personally I'd re-write the sentence drastically so as to avoid that. And I'm in two minds about 'was stone'. Metaphor is fine, but there are times when similes are better. And, indeed, cliches are to avoided in the same way one would avoid the Black Death.
NB Boneman's comments about the other people crowding into the action are valid here even if you have already introduced us. Whether we know them or not, it's just too much.

'After the mayor had adjudged a minute had passed he said.' - adjudged is the wrong verb (it has a number of nuances of meaning, but most of them technical legal terms), you just mean 'judged'. If you're intent on having 'he said' at the end, it would help to have a comma before it, and the final full stop has to be replaced, preferably to my mind with a colon but a comma as you've used elsewhere is acceptable. Personally, I dislike that kind of running into direct speech, so I would avoid it anyway, but I notice you do it repeatedly.

'... may you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him...' - I like this 3 part prayer, but although strong arm = smiting enemies and strong heart = defeating fear, strong mind seems oddly yoked to defeating opposition. I think you need a more 'mental' image, and a stronger one with which to end.

'... hands gripped Kelt's shoulder like a vice...' - somewhat more original imagery required, I think. Ditto 'deathly quiet' later.

'Joseph was watching Kelt...' - not sure why, but this seems to be a head hop, in a way that 'Joseph was looking at Kelt' isn't. Perhaps because 'watching' has a more introspective feel than an objective 'looking'.

“BE QUIET!” - I think just 'QUIET!' on its own is stronger, and more likely.

'... on the burning charcoal within it.' - 'within' is a rather formal word which seems out of place in this somewhat yokel-y village. Ordinarily I'd suggest 'inside' but both prepositions make the ending of the sentence weak. Has he opened a little trap-door or something to get the incense inside? If so, it might be better to show that and then end the sentence after 'charcoal'.

'... please meet with me...' - this does sound very American and out of place in the story.

'It sounded even quieter than...' - I'm not sure that 'deathly quiet' can be 'quieter' can it? This quiet is quieter than that quiet. ? I suppose so. But it doesn't feel right somehow.

'... if that was possible.' - ooh, this should strictly be the subjunctive I think, so 'were possible', but I accept Kelt probably doesn't have the level of education like what I've had. D)

'Every pair of eyes in the village were on him.' - and 'every' is single, but yes 'was' is going to sound pretty odd indeed. But the sentence as a whole could be re-vamped - it's more than a little cliched.

'He finished the rest of the ale in his mug in one go.' - is it really a yeast fermented malt-based beverage made without hops? Or is it that there's a law in fantasy writing that one has 'ale' rather than porter or stout or just plain beer?

'After a long moments silence...' - 'moment's silence'.

'The mayor managed to wipe the stunned look off his face...' - cliched.


Sorry, I've been just as harsh as Boneman, but for the same reasons. I think you do have the makings of a fine story, but it does need some work. To my mind, you need to be more aware of words, their nuances and how they are used. You also need to watch your adverbs a little. I like them but you can't have them tripping over each other. Towards the end you have 'eventually... loudly... barely... slowly... suddenly [that one keeps cropping up]... very.. deathly...' in quick succession - all but the first two in the same paragraph. That is too much.

This is perhaps unfair, but your vocabulary seems perhaps a tad limited - though I suppose that could be a reflection of the society of the village. But even when the words or phrases are not cliched, they are common-place - eg 'din' - and frankly a little dull. That would be bad enough ordinarily, but for goodness sake, we have miraculous showers of stars shooting across the heavens - where is the drama, the excitement? It reads to me more as an early draft than a finished piece. Sorry. To my mind you need to go over it at length, adding detail and awe, making the whole thing more evocative.

Incidentally, I don't necessarily agree with Jaiye about the need for a description of every character as they enter. It can be of help to have a pen portrait of everyone, but it's also a potential info dump that completely stops the action, particularly if you have a lot of people coming onto the scene all at the same time. If someone's appearance is important, for sure you have to get it down, and things like colour of hair or height can be dropped in fairly easily, but there's a danger that it can become repetitive if everyone is given the same kind of info. I do agree with him though about the need for a little scene-setting; particularly important, I would have thought, in fantasy.

As to the question about names, it is best to stick to one name when you are referring to someone from your perspective as narrator, even if we are seeing the scene through another character's eyes. In that case, yes it would be Mayor Stone. But of course, the characters can refer to him as Mayor Fenis in direct speech, which is what I think you do. Also if the narrative is very obviously in someone's thoughts - very, very close in - you can get away with Fenis, but that's trickier to pull off.

Sorry, I do seem to have wittered on at great length. I hope I haven't dispirited you greatly. But if you look around at these threads, you will see that this is how I approach everyone's work - especially my own (not that you'll see any of that on here!). And I wouldn't have critiqued your work if I didn't feel that you and it were worth the time and attention. As I say, I think you have got talent, but like everyone you need to work hard at the craft. The first draft is the easy bit. It's the revision and editing and refining that separates the adults from the children (er... was trying to do a non-sexist 'men from the boys' but it didn't work!).

Anyway, hope this helps a bit. And again, welcome to our world!

J

PS Boneman duckie, you're not a has-been at all. At the moment you're a Never-Wozzer (le Carre, A Perfect Spy)

 

[BrianRigglesby]

You will find your own style and shine!

The learnedness:

1. Get your story down, everything. Write it, type it, morse code it to your friend, whatever, just record it.

2. Start from the begininng (or chapter by chapter, the beauty of writing is that the rightness is in your way) and read it like your the reader not the writer, aloud if necessary. You need to hear how it sounds. This will in turn present ill words that can be expelled like dirty bathwater. Get rid of em'. The idea is to trim the fat, so to speak. As Stephen King says, "don't be afraid to kill your darlings." (once-percieved-as-good-ideas) I often feel so good after taking out a paragraph.

3. This is the point i'm at (lol) and I can tell you that my writing has never been better. Before I would get bogged down by sentence stucture, and proper punctuation, and whether or not, sentence by sentence, could my story even be liquid. Talk about digging the proverbial hole.

Have fun and GET LOST!

And take out Stephen King's 'On Writing', you can skip the first half if you aren't concerned with his coming of age, but the second half aspires to enlighten.

Much love,

B. Rigglesby

 

[Sarakael]

Once again thanks for the comments ill reply to them below...

'Mayor Stone had stood up...' - I agree that although this might be technically correct, it reads oddly, perhaps because we all know that 'were stood' is so very wrong. I'd suggest 'had come to his feet' or something of that kind to avoid the awkwardness.

I'm from South Africa, but living in England now. When my wife and I first got here she came back from work and said, "Can you believe people here say 'was stood'?" I said, "No that's impossible, nobody is that stupid, besides this is where English comes from, surely they can speak it properly?"

So to me had stood up sounds perfectly fine, because I'm not used to hearing was stood up.

'Mayor Stone said more somberly...' - I don't mind the adverb, but if you're English it should be 'sombrely'. (Sorry - too lazy to check your details but if you are American ignore this, and probably Boneman's 'worshippers' with 2 'p's.)

I think my word processor was on American. Us South Africans spell the same as you guys, thanks I'll change it.

'Kelt looked over at his friend, Joseph's face was stone.' - if we know from earlier in the chapter that Kelt only has one friend, then this is OK save for the comma - you need a semi-colon at the very least, probably a colon, or even a full stop (period if you're American). If we don't know, or Kelt seems a popular guy, then it has to be '... looked over at his friend, Joseph, whose face was...' though personally I'd re-write the sentence drastically so as to avoid that. And I'm in two minds about 'was stone'. Metaphor is fine, but there are times when similes are better. And, indeed, cliches are to avoided in the same way one would avoid the Black Death.
NB Boneman's comments about the other people crowding into the action are valid here even if you have already introduced us. Whether we know them or not, it's just too much.

Thanks will keep that in mind for the future. There is one friend btw, so no need for Joseph's name.

Personally, I dislike that kind of running into direct speech, so I would avoid it anyway, but I notice you do it repeatedly.

Sorry what do you mean by running into direct speak?



'... may you make his mind strong that he may defeat all who oppose him...' - I like this 3 part prayer, but although strong arm = smiting enemies and strong heart = defeating fear, strong mind seems oddly yoked to defeating opposition. I think you need a more 'mental' image, and a stronger one with which to end.

'... hands gripped Kelt's shoulder like a vice...' - somewhat more original imagery required, I think. Ditto 'deathly quiet' later.

More cliches. I need to work on that.


'... if that was possible.' - ooh, this should strictly be the subjunctive I think, so 'were possible', but I accept Kelt probably doesn't have the level of education like what I've had. D)

That made me laugh



Sorry, I've been just as harsh as Boneman, but for the same reasons. I think you do have the makings of a fine story, but it does need some work. To my mind, you need to be more aware of words, their nuances and how they are used. You also need to watch your adverbs a little. I like them but you can't have them tripping over each other. Towards the end you have 'eventually... loudly... barely... slowly... suddenly [that one keeps cropping up]... very.. deathly...' in quick succession - all but the first two in the same paragraph. That is too much.

This is perhaps unfair, but your vocabulary seems perhaps a tad limited - though I suppose that could be a reflection of the society of the village. But even when the words or phrases are not cliched, they are common-place - eg 'din' - and frankly a little dull. That would be bad enough ordinarily, but for goodness sake, we have miraculous showers of stars shooting across the heavens - where is the drama, the excitement? It reads to me more as an early draft than a finished piece. Sorry. To my mind you need to go over it at length, adding detail and awe, making the whole thing more evocative.

No worries, I appreciate your input. Obviously after the first write I thought it was amazing, and then I gave it to someone who wasn't a writer to read and they thought it was amazing. So I feel a bit like those singers in Idols who haven't a clue how to sing. But I'll keep working on it.

Incidentally, I don't necessarily agree with Jaiye about the need for a description of every character as they enter. It can be of help to have a pen portrait of everyone, but it's also a potential info dump that completely stops the action, particularly if you have a lot of people coming onto the scene all at the same time. If someone's appearance is important, for sure you have to get it down, and things like colour of hair or height can be dropped in fairly easily, but there's a danger that it can become repetitive if everyone is given the same kind of info. I do agree with him though about the need for a little scene-setting; particularly important, I would have thought, in fantasy.

As to the question about names, it is best to stick to one name when you are referring to someone from your perspective as narrator, even if we are seeing the scene through another character's eyes. In that case, yes it would be Mayor Stone. But of course, the characters can refer to him as Mayor Fenis in direct speech, which is what I think you do. Also if the narrative is very obviously in someone's thoughts - very, very close in - you can get away with Fenis, but that's trickier to pull off.

Thanks for an answer to that question

Sorry, I do seem to have wittered on at great length. I hope I haven't dispirited you greatly. But if you look around at these threads, you will see that this is how I approach everyone's work - especially my own (not that you'll see any of that on here!). And I wouldn't have critiqued your work if I didn't feel that you and it were worth the time and attention. As I say, I think you have got talent, but like everyone you need to work hard at the craft. The first draft is the easy bit. It's the revision and editing and refining that separates the adults from the children (er... was trying to do a non-sexist 'men from the boys' but it didn't work!).

Anyway, hope this helps a bit. And again, welcome to our world!

J

Thanks again

PS Boneman duckie, you're not a has-been at all. At the moment you're a Never-Wozzer (le Carre, A Perfect Spy)

 

[Sarakael]

And take out Stephen King's 'On Writing', you can skip the first half if you aren't concerned with his coming of age, but the second half aspires to enlighten.

Thanks ill get this book

 

[The Judge]

Hi again - and Welcome to England as well as to Chrons!

Glad to see my nit-picking hasn't put you off. Incidentally, I forgot to say that you might find it helpful to go through a number of the threads here on critiques and read the comments passed on other people's work - I'd be the first one to confess how instructive I've found it when someone inveighs against something I've been doing.

The running into direct speech thing I mentioned is very much my personal opinion, not a rule or anything. But here are some examples:

'The mayor continued, “Please all raise your mugs... " '

'... the village shouted, “Kelt and Joseph!” '

'... Mayor Stone said more somberly, “Let us not forget our fathers..." '

Do you see? You are repeatedly running from the person talking into what he is saying. I would usually invert the sentence structure so I have his words, then who is speaking ie: ' "Please all raise your mugs to Kelt and Joseph," the Mayor continued. "May they... " '

Though having said it is simply personal preference, you might want to watch it a little - any literary tic that is repeated too often (and these examples were from three successive paragraphs) can deaden the whole work. Even if you like it as a structure, you might want to vary it a little now and then. Again, it is a question of editing.

J