Blurb advice please ... 'a' or 'b' (or neither!)

[FibonacciEddie]

My book has been live for a month now and I am wondering if my Blurb is punchy enough.

I offer up here
(A) The Current Blurb
and
(B) My proposed New Blub

Any thoughts welcomed - thanks



(A) The Current Blurb
Joy Cooper has created Vince, Earth’s first self-aware Artificial Intelligence.

Recognising that big business or government forces would undoubtedly abuse his abilities, Joy and Vince remain in hiding while together devising a plan for him to be truly safe.

The plan is ruined when the Onari (an alien species of computers) abduct Vince, accusing Joy of enslaving him.

With help from an underclass of biological aliens, Joy chases after Vince and soon becomes enmeshed in a conflict that has spanned millennia.

But the balance of power has changed because something Joy did during Vince’s creation means that he has developed powers unmatched across the galaxy … Biologicals now wonder if they no longer need to be the underclass.



(B) The New Blurb
Joy Cooper has created Vince, Earth’s first self-aware Artificial Intelligence.

Now, Joy and Vince must survive as powerful forces circle.

And it’s not only Earth-bound enemies they have to outsmart. With Vince’s awakening, the galaxy’s dominant machine-based alien species has taken an interest too.

They accuse Joy of enslaving Vince and forcibly abduct him.

Soon, Joy and Vince become embroiled in a conflict between biologicals and machine-based life which has spanned millennia.

And something in the way Joy created Vince means his very existence will change the whole balance of that conflict.

But where will his loyalties lie?

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Maybe a little of both.

I'm not crazy about "powerful forces circle." That's vague.

Maybe the second sentence in the first blurb (but take out "together" and "truly" as unnecessary, I'd think) then the rest of the second blurb.

I like the last sentence of the second blurb. That adds a nice twist.

 

[Far Stranger]

Congratulations on publishing your novel! I like blurb B, but “Biologicals now wonder if they no longer need to be the underclass” from blurb A really caught my attention. And I agree with @Victoria Silverwolf that “But where will Vince’s loyalties lie?” is a killer final sentence.

 

[Wayne Mack]

This sounds like an interesting story with a lot of depth and a well-thought out arc. However, I think I would prefer the burb to read more like a troy and less like a series of plot points. Some of this is due to the formatting of a series of stand alone sentences without obvious continuity between them. This may be driven by trying to include too many details.

I do get a totally different impression of the overall story from the different blurbs. A makes me think that this is a kidnapping and rescue story, while B makes me think it is more of warring factions story with the protagonists caught in the middle. If the story is not predominately about rescuing Vince, then the first blurb would leave me feeling misled. Likewise, if the story is predominately about the rescue attempt, the second would feel misleading.

Consider rewriting the blurb and leaving out either the kidnapping or the class conflict. Then concentrate on setting up the chosen arc in a single paragraph. Lastly, try to avoid ending the blurb with a 'What happens next?' question. This should be implied in the blurb reader's mind.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I also think B is better.

 

[Yozh]

B piques my interest more.

 

[Parson]

B here too.

But I also wonder if there's a bit too much information here. I feel as though I know a lot about the plot before even reading it. Sometimes blurbs can be a kind of spoiler. Therefore, I think this line: "And something in the way Joy created Vince means his very existence will change the whole balance of that conflict." --- would probably be better left out. And for me the last line is stronger if you name Vince rather than using the pronoun. So: But where will Vince's loyalties lie?

 

[The Big Peat]

B is better for me as well.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Note: "troy" in my comment should be "story."

 

[FibonacciEddie]

@Wayne Mack @The Big Peat @Parson @Yozh @Christine Wheelwright @Far Stranger @Victoria Silverwolf @
Many thanks for taking the time to offer advice/support ... it is much appreciated.
I will have another think/review/edit of my blurb.

 

[msstice]

A reads logically to me. B is more punchy and ends with a good question. Like @Victoria Silverwolf I think a bit of both would be good.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

I vote B. And I also like all of the notes provided by my predecessors on this blog.

Congratulations on publishing your book!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

B but it’s not precise enough or hitting enough big key words

Joy (what does the surname add? Keep it close) created Vince, Earth‘s first self-aware AI (I think the acronym is closer and most sci fi readers will understand what AI is) to…. Why did she create him. Make it sympathetic and there’s potentially great buy in

But powerful forces want to what? Be specific and tell us the stakes , and it’s not only Earth-bound enemies they have to outsmart - the galaxy’s dominant machine-based alien species has taken an interest too.

They accuse Joy of enslaving Vince and forcibly abduct him. I’d ditch this line and move to the next

Soon, Joy and Vince become embroiled in a conflict between biologicals and machine-based life - I’d ditch this too which has spanned millennia, but something in the way Joy created Vince means his very existence will change the whole balance of that conflict. And could open the door to what? Stakes But where will his loyalties lie?

 

[Swank]

B is clearer and punchier, but could be better. Use the names of the aliens. Use the governments that are after them. Then you can say at the end "Could the Enari be free?"

It might also be more of a hook to describe the conflict on earth, then surprise the blurb reader by the story leaping into the galaxy. The first blurb gives that feel.