Mother Ship: A Brief Sci-Fi Tale

[Guttersnipe]

I've written another story draft. As it sits, it isn't long enough for my liking and could probably use some sprucing up. Please let me know whether you liked the story and feel free to make suggestions that you think might help it along.


Brian woke, as always, a 8:30 in the morning, terrestrial time.

"Good morning," droned Veronica Ship in perfect monotone. At once, a tray was lowered from the ceiling. On it was a can of Feed-All and a grapefruit. Brian made short work of both, his stomach settling.

"Thank you, Veronica," he said.

"You're welcome," the ship's response cut into his, "Please enter the garden for updates."

Brian mimed her last line, being overly familiar with the prompt. He took the elevator down to the main level. In the metallic wall, he saw his reflection: tall and redheaded.

Once he'd left the elevator, his siblings rushed to greet him. There was Ralph, dark-skinned and green-eyed, and Alexis, blonde and lithe.

"Hello, brother," they said in unison, grinning brightly. Brian was taken aback; Alexis was the resident Pollyanna, but Ralph had always been so stoic and tough.

"Why so smiley?" Brian asked. The others' smiles remained unchanged.

"Haven't you been keeping track?" asked Ralph, "It's our twenty-first year. We're to be released to the next Earthdome. Exact date."

"Our replacement begins when we leave," said Alexis.

Some color drained from Brian' s face. He'd been dreading this day, but time seemed inconsistent leading up to the event.

"We're leaving?" Brian mumbled numbly. Ralph shushed him. All three stepped through the door into the garden. They were instantly engulfed in warmth and surrounded by beautiful plants.

The intercom buzzed twice. Soon, Veronica's voice filled the air.

"Greetings, young masters. As you may have noticed, you have each now reached your twenty-first year of development. This means that you shall be sent to an Earthdome to await others and multiply. This is what you've trained for. You may leave now. Godspeed."

Brian nearly winced at Veronica's brevity. He began to recall his relationship with the ship over the years. He remembered how she "sang" his favorite songs to him in bed and how she'd meticulously cleaned his face after Ralph had beaten him. Now they'd never see each other again. Unless...

"We love you, Veronica," he found himself saying.

"Yes," Alexis said artlessly.

Ralph grunted what may have been an admission of appreciation.

Something caught Brian's attention. On the floor and at his feet, a long vine stirred. It touched his ankle with a caress. Then it was lifeless once again. He stared at it for a moment.

"Let's go, brother," said Alexis, tapping on his shoulder.

Doors slid open, releasing the travel pods. They exchanged brief goodbyes, then got in and set their controls were set for the next planet. It would be a pleasant three light years, Brian hoped, his pod filling with sleeping gas.

Before succumbing, he wondered whether Veronica Ship would miss him at all. Had the moving vine been a hallucination, or, perhaps, an ocular trick? He closed his eyes, a tear trailing down his cheek. Then all was dark.

Meanwhile, Veronica named the new explorers' clones: Brian, Ralph, and Alexis.

 

[alexvss]

In general, it's too short to develop any emotional attachment to the characters, and the main character is not compelling.

The twist is not really a twist. Clones are a sci-fi trope. There's even a thread here in this forum. I wished the MC would have done something to subvert that trope.

And that leads to the MC's lack of agency: he just goes through the motions and doesn't really contest anything. A rule of thumb is that the characters should have agency, i.e., stand up for themselves and fight for something, moving the plot forward. Giving him agency would kill two birds with one stone.

Brian woke, as always, a 8:30 in the morning, terrestrial time.

Wouldn't that be "at" 8:30 in the morning? Also, this is not a strong opening line. The opening should be the hook; but waking up and seeing yourself in the mirror is too cliché'd.

then got in and set their controls were set for the next planet.

Weird phrasing. Double-check for typos.

 

[Guttersnipe]

In general, it's too short to develop any emotional attachment to the characters, and the main character is not compelling.

The twist is not really a twist. Clones are a sci-fi trope. There's even a thread here in this forum. I wished the MC would have done something to subvert that trope.

And that leads to the MC's lack of agency: he just goes through the motions and doesn't really contest anything. A rule of thumb is that the characters should have agency, i.e., stand up for themselves and fight for something, moving the plot forward. Giving him agency would kill two birds with one stone.


Wouldn't that be "at" 8:30 in the morning? Also, this is not a strong opening line. The opening should be the hook; but waking up and seeing yourself in the mirror is too cliché'd.


Weird phrasing. Double-check for typos.

I appreciate your criticism. I am a bit embarrassed that I didn't check for typos.The fact that the characters are clones are not the twist, it's that the clones are given the same names, showing she really does care about her "children." I mean, they even talk about being replaced. Perhaps I should've thought up a more compelling ending.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Taking a more literal interpretation of Mother Ship is something interesting to be explored.

For me, I didn't feel the focus on the ship that was described in one of the later comments. The focus seemed to be on Brian, but it raised several points that went unanswered. Why was Brian unaware that this was his twenty-first birthday and that it was significant? Why was Brian concerned about his fate while the others seemed to look forward to it? Part of the reason that this was problematic was because it put the focus on Brian, while it seems the desired focus was on the ship.

Let me present some pure brainstorming ideas and see if any grab your fancy.

* The final scene could be replicated, perhaps verbatim, at the start. If the reader sees old Brian, then current Brian, then next Brian, it moves the focus away from Brian and towards the ship, as the ship is the consistent element.

* Instead of Brian remembering the ship's kindnesses in flashback, consider telling them in real-time. The bulk of the story could be the beginning of the current crop of clones, them growing up, them leaving the mother ship.

* If Brian is uniquely loved by the ship, perhaps only Brian's name is repeated across cloning sessions. I could also see the mother ship being concerned about all three, in which case, it might be good to have each of them notice the vine's caress before they leave.

A more minor point, but I wondered about the three being sent out individually. Without a means of reproduction, this seems to be a fatal mission that they embark on. It is also, seemingly, to be a mission of isolation and loneliness. Perhaps they should go as a group with a balance of male and female? Make sure to avoid falling into the Adam and Eve trope, though.

I think there is certainly the bones of a good story here and I would be interested to hear of the ship's growing mothering instincts.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Nice one @Guttersnipe , I liked and enjoyed it.
The line:

Brian mimed her last line, being overly familiar with the prompt

pulled me away from the story ...I don't know if it was needed. The vine movement seemed the central part of the story. I think there's a more to be got out of it, some further indication as the hibernation sequence kicks to leave the reader wondering about AI or whatever it be.
Can't suggest what, but it seemed like there was an opening for a mystery/ concept of machine & clone evolution that could be thrown out to the reader.

Fair play to you for squeezing that in over the holidays, nice work

 

[Omits]

Does veronica sing in monotone? Perhaps clear up the apparent contradiction. Give her dulcet tones to her voice?

 

[msstice]

@alexvss has hit the main points I saw.

I'm assuming this is the whole story and the point is that humans are being "grown" on this ship to repopulate Earth for whatever reason.

I'm thinking of what I would do if I came up with this idea.

Since it is a short story, I would decide to focus the whole story on one of (say):

• The relationship between the clones and the ship
• How the clone feels about leaving
• How the ship feels about them leaving
• How the clones on the earth feel about the new comers

Currently there is a lack of focus, which might have lead to an episodic narration (what Alex identifies as lack of agency: and this happened, and that happened etc.).

 

[Guttersnipe]

@alexvss has hit the main points I saw.

I'm assuming this is the whole story and the point is that humans are being "grown" on this ship to repopulate Earth for whatever reason.

I'm thinking of what I would do if I came up with this idea.

Since it is a short story, I would decide to focus the whole story on one of (say):

• The relationship between the clones and the ship
• How the clone feels about leaving
• How the ship feels about them leaving
• How the clones on the earth feel about the new comers

Currently there is a lack of focus, which might have lead to an episodic narration (what Alex identifies as lack of agency: and this happened, and that happened etc.).

I'm not sure how much it matters, but they're being sent to terraformed areas on other planets rather than Earth. Should I change "Earthdomes" to something else?

 

[msstice]

I'm not sure how much it matters, but they're being sent to terraformed areas on other planets rather than Earth. Should I change "Earthdomes" to something else?

I did not realize this on my read through. If it doesn't matter to the story, I think there is no need to clarify.

 

[ckatt]

Hey, thanks for posting this story. I haven't written a critique for a while but this caught my eye.
To me, this looks like a character story about a clone and his unrequited love for a mother who is a computer. That's a great conflict and I think it has more potential than you are squeezing out of it. For it to really work for me I'd like to see it explored more deeply and more of Brian's story should revolve around that idea. (If that wasn't your intention then I hope this will be informative in some way)

These are just my opinions and not necessarily the correct things for you to do with the story and just the reactions I had when I read it and if I read it at a different time those reactions might vary.

Brian woke, as always, a 8:30 in the morning, terrestrial time.

This first line tripped me with the word terrestrial time. It seems meant as an indicator to let me know they are on a ship yet it had me wondering what terrestrial time meant: Earth or another planet? And shouldn't there be different time zones? Truly these things don't matter so I would prefer an opening line that grounded me in the scene. From this, all I get is a name and a time.

"Good morning," droned Veronica Ship in perfect monotone. At once, a tray was lowered from the ceiling. On it was a can of Feed-All and a grapefruit. Brian made short work of both, his stomach settling.

"Thank you, Veronica," he said.

"You're welcome," the ship's response cut into his, "Please enter the garden for updates."

Brian mimed her last line, being overly familiar with the prompt. He took the elevator down to the main level. In the metallic wall, he saw his reflection: tall and redheaded.

I think you should try cutting this whole beginning section. I don't know how it affects the story. Showing him waking up and eating and taking an elevator accomplishes something I think you could do in just a sentence or two.

Since somebody waking up on a spaceship with a computer talking to them is a common sci-fi trope I didn't initially put as much weight on the Veronica ship as a character as I should have I think a stronger opening would be one where I would see a clearer picture of their relationship and attitudes towards each other. Then later we could see how Brian's relationship with the computer was different than with the other clones.

"Hello, brother," they said in unison, grinning brightly. Brian was taken aback; Alexis was the resident Pollyanna, but Ralph had always been so stoic and tough.

What I'm wondering is why was Brian the last to show up. Were they having a secret meeting without him? I was let down when this is not addressed.

"Haven't you been keeping track?" asked Ralph, "It's our twenty-first year. We're to be released to the next Earthdome. Exact date."

"Our replacement begins when we leave," said Alexis.

Some color drained from Brian' s face. He'd been dreading this day, but time seemed inconsistent leading up to the event.

I didn't understand Brian's reaction to learning that today was the day. The text indicates that he lost track of time but I just find that hard to believe. Since the other two are so aware I would think the day before they would be talking about it if not for a few weeks leading up to the day.

how she'd meticulously cleaned his face after Ralph had beaten him.

Why did Ralph beat him? I didn't quite get the significance of this. Seems that it's put here mainly to show the way Veronica took care of him but the implications about Ralph are not addressed and I would have liked to have seen that tide in more. Did it have something to do with Veronica? Did Ralph beat Brian because he loved the ship?

Before succumbing, he wondered whether Veronica Ship would miss him at all. Had the moving vine been a hallucination, or, perhaps, an ocular trick? He closed his eyes, a tear trailing down his cheek. Then all was dark.

It took me a minute to wrap my head around what was going on with the vine. Since it is the first instance of Veronica having any connection with plants, I didn't understand why Brian attributed it to her. If there had been some prior instance foreshadowing this it would have had more of an impact on me.


Thanks again for sharing. Please ask if anything I said is unclear and ignore any comments that go against the grain of what you are trying to do.
Cheers!

 

[M.P. VandenBerg]

Brian woke, as always, a 8:30 in the morning, terrestrial time.

Not the greatest opening line, don't take that to heart though. (doesn't have to be a hook, after all this is sci-fi), establishes setting and genre which is good.

On it was a can of Feed-All and a grapefruit. Brian made short work of both, his stomach settling.

A can of Feed-all and grapefruit. Brian made short work of them, settling his stomach.
- As readers we know it's on the tray, it was implied when you set up the tray. These are optional suggestions for better flow. "His stomach-settling" is good imagery but it doesn't flow well

"You're welcome," the ship's response cut into his, "Please enter the garden for updates."

This is great. Very subtle world-building as well as telling us something about the ship, as well as the protag.

"Hello, brother," they said in unison, grinning brightly. Brian was taken aback; Alexis was the resident Pollyanna, but Ralph had always been so stoic and tough.

Maybe I'm just dumb, but I needed to read this line carefully to understand it.

"We're leaving?" Brian mumbled numbly. Ralph shushed him. All three stepped through the door into the garden. They were instantly engulfed in warmth and surrounded by beautiful plants.

You need to be careful of how you are establishing the immediate setting.
I thought Brian was in an elevator, now they step into a garden. A bit of a jump. Not all movement needs to be explained, but a few more hints would go a long way here.

The intercom buzzed twice. Soon, Veronica's voice filled the air.

Get rid of the word 'Soon'. don't need it. It made me re-read the sentence.

"Greetings, young masters. As you may have noticed, you have each now reached your twenty-first year of development. This means that you shall be sent to an Earthdome to await others and multiply. This is what you've trained for. You may leave now. Godspeed."

There is so much crammed into this line, I love it. I really want to read more now.

Brian nearly winced at Veronica's brevity. He began to recall his relationship with the ship over the years. He remembered how she "sang" his favorite songs to him in bed and how she'd meticulously cleaned his face after Ralph had beaten him. Now they'd never see each other again. Unless...

Don't do ' unless...' elaborate on what your protag. is thinking, your reader could really use it here.

"We love you, Veronica," he found himself saying.

That is all kinds of creepy awesome.

Ralph grunted what may have been an admission of appreciation.

Something caught Brian's attention. On the floor and at his feet, a long vine stirred. It touched his ankle with a caress. Then it was lifeless once again. He stared at it for a moment.

small note: " ...It touched his ankle with a caress..." should be "A long vine stirred, caressed his ankle, and went lifeless again." (oxford comma not necessary)

"Let's go, brother," said Alexis, tapping on his shoulder.

Doors slid open, releasing the travel pods. They exchanged brief goodbyes, then got in and set their controls were set for the next planet. It would be a pleasant three light years, Brian hoped, his pod filling with sleeping gas.

"They exchanged brief goodbyes, got in, and set their controls for the next planet."

Before succumbing, he wondered whether Veronica Ship would miss him at all. Had the moving vine been a hallucination, or, perhaps, an ocular trick? He closed his eyes, a tear trailing down his cheek. Then all was dark.

Meanwhile, Veronica named the new explorers' clones: Brian, Ralph, and Alexis.

Don't let anyone ever tell you not to use a trope, it's impossible at this point. I liked how everything feels bizarre and becomes more coherent when you discover they're clones.

Just a general thought; You need to get inside the head of your character more. A lot of this feels rushed in its descriptions, in terms of setting and how your characters are moving through it. Don't be afraid to slow down and smell the roses, especially if you can sneak it into the story like describing your character when he sees his reflection.

As far as the 'Earth-dome' thing is concerned, this is sci-fi brother, you can call it whatever you want, as long as what it is, is cool.

 

[worldofmutes]

I enjoyed it.

 

[Guttersnipe]

@alexvss @Wayne Mack @AnRoinnUltra @Omits @msstice @ckatt @worldofmutes @M.P. VandenBerg

I am currently on the second half of the rewrite and I feel pretty good about it so far. Thanks again for the input. It's really helped me improve upon the subject matter.