Alternative start

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Jo Zebedee

Jo Zebedee

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I have a thread here:

http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/551945/#post-1897947

But when I last posted the same scene before Harebrain suggested I might be better beginning the scene here. There's not an awful lot of context lost, nothing I can't slip in at some point. Reading through, I'm not sure the writing god isn't right (as usual, I don't know why I bother arguing.) Anyway, does this make a more gripping start, or does it leave you all totally confused?

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The wagon jolted to a halt and Anna concentrated on the muffled noises, trying to work out where they were. Something clattered as it rolled past. The wagon shifted, and she assumed the driver must have jumped down. Slowly, she counted past fifty, and lifted her head.

The air smelt of smoke and grime; they must have reached the railroad depot next to the commercial quarter. Blake squeezed her wrist, readying her, and her breath hitched. This was the most dangerous part, getting clear of the depot and through the commercial quarter to the mining zone.

Carefully, she sat up, and pulled her cloak around her. The night was the true black of the Darkness, the one-night period between services when the city was reminded what it would be like without the mages. Her eyes, already adjusted under the sack, took in the yard. There was no one near their wagon; it had been left to sit, abandoned, until the next delivery. The guards were gathered around the second wagon, carrying the ten selected mages, intent on their prisoner-check.
 
I like the sense of action in this excerpt. Would the wagon rock rather than shift, as the driver jumped down?

springs said:
The guards were gathered around the second wagon, carrying the ten selected mages, intent on their prisoner-check.
Click to expand...

Pot calling kettle black and all that, but is this a POV shift? I ask rather than accuse because it's an area I struggle with!
 
Kerrybuchanan said:
Pot calling kettle black and all that, but is this a POV shift? I ask rather than accuse because it's an area I struggle with!
Click to expand...

I'm not the best at it, either, but I don't think I shift point of view. We stay with what the pov character can see, and that includes noticing people are intent on something. Having said that, I could possibly show it more than tell and it might make it clearer.
 
springs said:
We stay with what the pov character can see, and that includes noticing people are intent on something.
Click to expand...
How dark is it?

Of course the POV char would hear the action. Presumably if no fixed lighting / moonlight etc a guard or someone would have a torch/lantern etc.
 
I think the comma before "carrying" might suggest that the guards were literally carrying the mages (not that the wagon was).

I find it a little mysterious but I think if you extended it a bit it would be a good place to start.
 
I much prefer this start, Springs. It makes me want to read on to find out what she is hiding from and why.
 
I much prefer it. (Surprise surprise.) Just a couple of points.

springs said:
The wagon [is there any non-clumsy way to get across that it's an open rather than covered wagon? For some reason I initially thought covered, so the third paragraph confused me a bit] jolted to a halt and Anna concentrated on the muffled noises, trying to work out where they [slight risk that "they" might be taken to mean the noises] were. Something clattered as it rolled past. The wagon shifted, and she assumed the driver must have jumped down. Slowly, she counted past fifty, and lifted her head.

The air smelt of smoke and grime; [the wording suggests (to me) that she smells this only after lifting her head, but wouldn't she have smelt the air on the way here? In which case maybe something like "The smell of smoke and grime in the air told her etc] they must have reached the railroad depot next to the commercial quarter. Blake squeezed her wrist, readying her, and her breath hitched. This was the most dangerous part, getting clear of the depot and through the commercial quarter to the mining zone.

Carefully, she sat up, and pulled her cloak around her. The night was the true black of the Darkness, the one-night period between services when the city was reminded what it would be like without the mages. [Nice intriguing little bit of world-building, at just the right place and not too much to derail the action. I guess some might think it infodumpy, or at least not very close third, because she wouldn't really remind herself of this fact, but I think it's fine here] Her eyes, already adjusted under the sack, took in the yard. There was no one near their wagon; it had been left to sit, abandoned, until the next delivery. The guards were gathered around the second wagon, carrying the ten selected mages, intent on their prisoner-check.
Click to expand...
 
Yeah, echoes of liking this one assuming the world building goes back in later :D

I wonder if there might be a firmer connection with Anna, another dropping of her name at the start of the third para, just to solidify the readers focus on our pov. And maybe a little bit more description of Blake lying next to her, rather than just squeezing her wrist, our they in cramped cover under the wagon tarp?

EDIT : heh, just read through your other thread, about POV... Guess its something you've thought about already then.
 
I'm going to have to go against the grain, and say that I think the other version is technically better.

In the other version, you provide clear visual and audio cues, you set a scene full of colour and experience, and then you push in emotional tension.

In this version, Anna isn't clear where she is, can't discern any clear sound, can't see anything*, and experiences no emotional cues.

* the last line seems like an anomaly - pitch darkness has been described as the environment, so being able to see further away, and the people around it, must imply that there is lighting - but that works against the descriptions that the narrative has taken pains to create.

This alternative version could be improved by playing on tension and fear (things that are implied, not actually experienced). It would need something to trump the engagement of the senses that the original provides IMO to work more powerfully.
 
I have to agree with Brian here; I preferred the other version and liked the scene-set-y feel of it. The only things that I wasn't too keen on was:

1) the air smelling of grime as it sounds a bit too general. What does grime smell like? I'd prefer a more specific smell.
2) Again, in the last paragraph, 'carefully' is too general for me. Would 'Furtively' improve it?

pH
 
Sheesh. You guys. And there was me with a concensus... Back to coin tossing.

Actually, I like both. But I am wondering if it might be stronger for the story to have the mage quarter as a shang-ri-la. If so (and I'm musing on it) then not starting in the quarter but leaving it more idealised might be stronger.

At least neither seems an utter disaster.:D
 
I think I'm going with this one. I think it's more immediate and closer to the character. Anyway, @HareBrain, and anyone else - does this say it's an open wagon, using the term wagon bed?

The wagon jolted to a halt. Anna lay still, the fine, sweet dust covering the wagon-bed tickling her throat
 
I like the start. Nice sense of immediacy.
 
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