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Boneman

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Doesn't seem like so long ago I hit 3,000, but here I am again, maintaining the tradition. This piece is from my wip that I use whenever I have writer's block - fun to write, completely different, but after 15,000 words it's starting to take on its own life and I may have to start another piece to go to, when I have writers block with this one. Did that make any sense?

Some background: Siobhan (our heroine) is at Uni, sharing a house with Jaz and Thorrin, and they had gatecrashers at their party. Nasty types and Siobhan dealt with them in an unexpected fashion: after one of them hit her across the cheek, she became incredibly powerful, broke a lot of bones in his hand and threw him over the hedge, across two footpaths and the road, over a tow path and into the canal. Then she fainted. This is her waking up, and we see the price of using magic...

Any comments/criticisms gratefully received! (Om Gommla is a stuffed tiger, from her childhood)


When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate digestive biscuits. She was weak in her arms and legs, and her stomach felt like it had collapsed and stuck to itself on the inside. She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her. She groaned with the effort.

“Oh, thank God. You’re awake,” came a relieved voice. Jaz was there, helping her sit upright. Siobhan’s vision swam as she dropped her legs over the side of her bed.

The side of my bed? What am I doing here?

“Are you okay?” Jaz brushed Siobhan’s hair back from her face.

“I’m starving.” It was an effort to talk. “What time is it?” Siobhan turned her head to look at Jaz. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she looked strained, frightened almost. “What happened?”

Jaz’s eyed widened. “Don’t you remember?”

Siobhan’s head was muzzy. Filled with cotton wool. She had to get something to eat. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way and she sat back on the bed heavily.

“I gotta eat something,” she said.

“I’ll get it,” Jaz said in a rush. “Stay here, don’t move. What do you want?”

“Black Forest gateau. Burgers. Chips, loads of chips.” Talking about food hurt, the reminder of how hungry she was. “Chocolate biscuits. Bread with marmite. All the above. Pleeeaase.”

“Just stay here,” Jaz said. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

Jaz rushed from the room. Siobhan couldn’t have moved if she wanted to. Her stomach growled loudly.

“Shut up,” she said. It growled louder, and she pushed her fist into it, to silence it. Her hands were shaking from hunger and cold pins and needles ran through her leg muscles.

Then Jaz came back with a plate piled high with food, and Thorrin in tow. Siobhan barely saw them. All she saw was the plate. She grabbed it out of Jaz’s hands. There was a thick slice of buttered french bread on top, and Siobhan crammed it into her mouth, tearing it with her teeth, following it with three digestive biscuits, trying to stuff them all in at once. She nearly choked and Thorrin handed her a glass of orange juice. It went down in one and Siobhan attacked the rest of the food, frantic to assuage her starvation.

Inside forty seconds, the plate was empty. Three samosas, five vegetarian sausage rolls, a pile of cheese and onion crisps, chilli with wild rice, and two pieces of lemon meringue pie followed the bread and digestive biscuits. And Siobhan was still hungry. She briefly considered licking the plate, but gave it back to Jaz.

“Is there any more?”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her. Jaz’s mouth was open in astonishment, and Siobhan felt she should say something. When she opened her mouth, a belch erupted. An incredibly loud belch that sounded to Siobhan like a lion roaring in an echo chamber. It made room for some more food.

“Pardon,” Siobhan said, then giggled at her friend’s faces. “That was well brought up,” she added. “Shame I wasn’t.”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her for long seconds and Jaz finally closed her mouth.

“You really want some more? Jaz asked.

“Yeah.” Siobhan burped again. A smaller burp. “Maybe not cheese and onion this time?”

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and then shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps.

After the third plate of carbohydrates, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out.

“What time is it?” Siobhan asked.

Thorrin looked at her watch.

“Three thirty.”

“Three thirty?” Siobhan said in amazement. “Three thirty? What the hell happened? Last thing I knew it was almost midnight...” She broke off, puzzled. She remembered something. Jaz and Thorrin were staring at her. Waiting. “What?”

“Do you remember what happened?” Jaz asked her.

“Something... there was a problem with someone... Was it Rob? He did come, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did,” Thorrin said. “After that... what do you remember?”

Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewhere.

“There were some townies...” Siobhan murmured. She reached out and hugged Om Gommla to her, wrapping her arms around him. “One hit me...”

She touched her cheek. It felt a bit tender. Then her hand froze, and her eyes and mouth vied with each other, to see which could open the widest. She stared at Jaz and Thorrin in turn.

“I didn’t... did I?”

“It was like watching a man pole-vault, without a pole,” Jaz said. “Although I think he broke the world long-jump record on his way into the canal.” Siobhan gaped at Jaz. “Do you remember?”

Siobhan nodded, mute. Her brain had got into second gear now, even if she’d grated the box on the way.

“Was he all right?” she asked.

“Well, his friend dragged him out, and they limped off towards the town,” Thorrin said. “Right after you fainted, Rob and the rest of the rugby team came to rescue us,” she added scornfully.

“I... what...? I mean... I...”

“Do you remember me taking pictures of you with my phone?” Thorrin asked.

“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”

“Bright green,” Jaz said.

Siobhan thought she might faint again, and swayed backwards. Jaz steadied her with an arm around her shoulders.

“You okay?” Jaz asked.

“No...”

Siobhan burst into tears, and Jaz hugged her close. Thorrin put her arms around them both and they group-hugged, rocking her gently while Siobhan cried. She was shattered. It couldn’t have happened. No. Way. At. All.
 
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Congratulations. Coincidentally, in about 80 posts time, I'll be posting an opening chapter with a heroine called Siobhan!

When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate plain AND chocolate? Normally it'd be one or the other digestive biscuits. She was weak in her arms and legs odd phrasing. Why not "her arms and legs were weak" or somesuch , and her stomach felt like it had collapsed and stuck to itself on the inside. She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her cut. She groaned with the effort.

“Oh, thank God. You’re awake,” came a relieved voice. Jaz was there, helping her sit upright. Siobhan’s vision swam as she dropped her legs over the side of her bed.

The side of my bed? What am I doing here?

“Are you okay?” Jaz brushed Siobhan’s hair back from her face.

“I’m starving.” It was an effort to talk. “What time is it?” Siobhan distinct absence of pronouns so far. I know they're both female and all, but the odd clear She might be nice turned her head to look at Jaz. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she looked strained, frightened almost. “What happened?”

Jaz’s eyed widened. “Don’t you remember?”

Siobhan’s head was muzzy. Filled with cotton wool. She had to get something to eat a little over-emphasised by now. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way and she sat back on the bed heavily.

“I gotta eat something,” she said.

“I’ll get it,” Jaz said in a rush. “Stay here, don’t move. What do you want?”

“Black Forest gateau. Burgers. Chips, loads of chips.” Talking about food hurt, the reminder of how hungry she was. “Chocolate biscuits. Bread with marmite. All the above. Pleeeaase.”

“Just stay here,” Jaz said. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

Jaz rushed from the room. Siobhan couldn’t have moved if she wanted to. Her stomach growled loudly.

“Shut up,” she said. It growled louder, and she pushed her fist into it, to silence it. Her hands were shaking from hunger and cold pins and needles ran through her leg muscles.

Then Jaz came back with a plate piled high with food, and Thorrin in tow. Siobhan barely saw them. All she saw was the plate. She grabbed it out of Jaz’s hands. three short sentences quite staccato There was a could be a little more active e.g. She grabbed the ... thick slice of buttered french bread on top, and Siobhan crammed it into her mouth, tearing it with her teeth, following it with three digestive biscuits, trying to stuff them all in at once. She nearly choked and Thorrin handed her a glass of orange juice. It went down in one and Siobhan attacked the rest of the food, frantic to assuage her starvation.

Inside forty seconds, the plate was empty. Three samosas, five vegetarian sausage rolls, a pile of cheese and onion crisps, chilli with wild rice, and two pieces of lemon meringue pie followed the bread and digestive biscuits. And Siobhan was still hungry. She briefly considered licking the plate, but gave it back to Jaz.

“Is there any more?”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her. Jaz’s mouth was open in astonishment, and Siobhan felt she should say something. When she opened her mouth, a belch erupted. An incredibly loud belch that sounded to Siobhan like a lion roaring in an echo chamber. It made room for some more food.

“Pardon,” Siobhan said, then giggled at her friend’s faces. “That was well brought up,” she added. “Shame I wasn’t.”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her for long seconds and Jaz finally closed her mouth.

“You really want some more? Jaz asked.

“Yeah.” Siobhan burped again. A smaller burp. “Maybe not cheese and onion this time?” snigger

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and then shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps.

After the third plate of carbohydrates, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out.

“What time is it?” Siobhan asked.

Thorrin looked at her watch.

“Three thirty.”

“Three thirty?” Siobhan said in amazement. “Three thirty? What the hell happened? Last thing I knew it was almost midnight...” She broke off, puzzled. She remembered something. Jaz and Thorrin were staring at her. Waiting. “What?”

“Do you remember what happened?” Jaz asked her.

“Something... there was a problem with someone... Was it Rob? He did come, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did,” Thorrin said. “After that... what do you remember?”

Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewhere.

“There were some townies...” Siobhan murmured. She reached out and hugged Om Gommla to her, wrapping her arms around him. “One hit me...”

She touched her cheek. It felt a bit tender. Then her hand froze, and her eyes and mouth vied with each other, to see which could open the widest slight POV shift. Don't think she'd be aware of the eyes. She stared at Jaz and Thorrin in turn.

“I didn’t... did I?”

“It was like watching a man pole-vault, without a pole,” Jaz said. “Although I think he broke the world long-jump record on his way into the canal.” Siobhan gaped at Jaz. “Do you remember?”

Siobhan nodded, mute. Her brain had got into second gear now, even if she’d grated the box on the way.

“Was he all right?” she asked.

“Well, his friend dragged him out, and they limped off towards the town,” Thorrin said. “Right after you fainted, Rob and the rest of the rugby team came to rescue us,” she added scornfully.

“I... what...? I mean... I...”

“Do you remember me taking pictures of you with my phone?” Thorrin asked.

“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”

“Bright green,” Jaz said.

Siobhan thought she might faint again, and swayed backwards. Jaz steadied her with an arm around her shoulders.

“You okay?” Jaz asked.

“No...”

Siobhan burst into tears, and Jaz hugged her close. Thorrin put her arms around them both and they group-hugged, rocking her gently while Siobhan cried. She was shattered. It couldn’t have happened. No. Way. At. All.

Good stuff. A nice, easy, smooth read (that's a compliment!) and I could easily read more.
 
Congrats, congrats, congrats. Lots of us reaching milestones at the mo. Just some thoughts:


When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate digestive biscuitsthe precision of this didn't entirely work for me -- if she's that hungry would she be thinking straight enough for that. Although I do like plain choccy digestives... :). She was weak in her arms and legs, and her stomach felt like it had collapsed and stuck to itself on the inside. She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her. She groaned with the effort.

“Oh, thank God. You’re awake,” came a relieved voice. Jaz was there, helping her sit upright. Siobhan’s vision swam as she dropped her legs over the side of her bed.

The side of my bed? What am I doing here?

“Are you okay?” Jaz brushed Siobhan’s hair back from her face.

“I’m starving.” It was an effort to talk. “What time is it?” Siobhan turned her head to look at Jaz. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she looked strained, frightened almost. “What happened?”

Jaz’s eyedeyes? I'm wondering about the repeat of eyes so quickly and think you could drop the reference abovewidened. “Don’t you remember?”

Siobhan’s head was muzzy. Filled with cotton wool. She had to get something to eat.possibly a repeat too many for me about how hungry she is She tried to stand, but her legs gave way and she sat back on the bed heavily.Sorry, these are nits, but the action here didn't work for me. If she tried to stand, and then her legs gave way, does that imply that she actually did stand, however briefly, or her legs wouldn't have had the weight to give way, if that makes sense?

“I gotta eat something,” she said.

“I’ll get it,” Jaz said in a rush. “Stay here, don’t move. What do you want?”

“Black Forest gateau. Burgers. Chips, loads of chips.” Talking about food hurt, the reminder of how hungry she was. “Chocolate biscuits. Bread with marmite. All the above. Pleeeaase.”

“Just stay here,” Jaz said. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

Jaz rushed from the room. Siobhan couldn’t have moved if she wanted to. Her stomach growled loudly.

“Shut up,” she said. It growled louder, and she pushed her fist into it, to silence it. Her hands were shaking from hungerI'm definitely going okay, I get it, about here. Just her hands were shaking would do it for me and cold pins and needles ran through her leg muscles.

Then Jaz came back with a plate piled high with food, and Thorrin in tow. Siobhan barely saw them. All she saw was the plate. She grabbed it out of Jaz’s hands. There was a thick slice of buttered french bread on top, and Siobhan crammed it into her mouth, tearing it with her teeth, following it with three digestive biscuits, trying to stuff them all in at once. She nearly choked and Thorrin handed her a glass of orange juice. It went down in one and Siobhan attacked the rest of the food, frantic to assuage her starvation.

Inside forty seconds, the plate was empty. Three samosas, five vegetarian sausage rolls, a pile of cheese and onion crisps, chilli with wild rice, and two pieces of lemon meringue pie followed the bread and digestive biscuitsI'd switch these two sentences around as you tell us the plate is empty and then go back and tell us what had been on it?. And Siobhan was still hungry. She briefly considered licking the plate, but gave it back to Jaz.

“Is there any more?”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her. Jaz’s mouth was open in astonishment, and Siobhan felt she should say something. When she opened her mouth, a belch erupted. An incredibly loud belch that sounded to Siobhan like a lion roaring in an echo chamber.that made me smile It made room for some more food.

“Pardon,” Siobhan said, then giggled at her friend’sfriends'? But I'm not good at them, as you know, and could be missing why it's friend's faces. “That was well brought up,” she added. “Shame I wasn’t.”

Jaz and Thorrin stared at her for long seconds and Jaz finally closed her mouth.

“You really want some more?" Jaz asked.I'm a bit preturbed that she asked the question right after she closed her mouth.

“Yeah.” Siobhan burped again. A smaller burp. “Maybe not cheese and onion this time?”

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and thenrepeat of then -- actually there have been a couple of thens that I've noticed - in fact, this carried on so I highlighted them in red (I should bring back my whiplash avatar :)). shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps.

After the third plate of carbohydrates, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out.

“What time is it?” Siobhanshe asked.

Thorrin looked at her watch.

“Three thirty.”

“Three thirty?” Siobhan said in amazement. “Three thirty? What the hell happened? Last thing I knew it was almost midnight...” She broke off, puzzled. She remembered something. Jaz and Thorrin were staring at her. Waiting. “What?”

“Do you remember what happened?” Jaz asked her.

“Something... there was a problem with someone... Was it Rob? He did come, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did,” Thorrin said. “After that... what do you remember?”

Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewhere.

“There were some townies...” Siobhan murmured. She reached out and hugged Om Gommla to her, wrapping her arms around him. “One hit me...”

She touched her cheek. It felt a bit tender. Then her hand froze, and her eyes and mouth vied with each other, to see which could open the widest. She stared at Jaz and Thorrin in turn.

“I didn’t... did I?”

“It was like watching a man pole-vault, without a pole,” Jaz said. “Although I think he broke the world long-jump record on his way into the canal.” Siobhan gaped at Jaz. “Do you remember?”

Siobhan nodded, mute. Her brain had got into second gear now, even if she’d grated the box on the waynice.

“Was he all right?” she asked.

“Well, his friend dragged him out, and they limped off towards the town,” Thorrin said. “Right after you fainted, Rob and the rest of the rugby team came to rescue us,” she added scornfully.

“I... what...? I mean... I...”

“Do you remember me taking pictures of you with my phone?” Thorrin asked.

“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”

“Bright green,” Jaz said.

Siobhan thought she might faint again, and swayed backwards. Jaz steadied her with an arm around her shoulders.

“You okay?” Jaz asked.

“No...”

Siobhan burst into tears, and Jaz hugged her close. Thorrin put her arms around them both and they group-hugged, rocking her gently while Siobhan cried. She was shattered. It couldn’t have happened. No. Way. At. All. [/QUOTE]

I liked the voice in it, and thought it was very smooth, as ever. I could have lived with a few less emphasis on the food, and think it would have been more effective with that. I like Siobhan, and find her responses very natural, but wonder if her friends could have been brought out more. Nice stuff, though. :)
 
There seem to be lots of 1,000th post critiques up lately. Anyway, to the critique! *unsheathes quill*

A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate digestive biscuits - chocolate digestives are delicious. On that note, I'd either increase the quantity or change the food (I can imagine many people would want to eat a packet of chocolate digestives even if they weren't half-starved).

She was weak in her arms and legs, - her arms and legs were weak? Or, you could have them shaking or suchlike.

She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her. She groaned with the effort. - too many 'She's at the start of sentences. Also, you could change the arm bit so that it's something like "her arms, disgruntled at the lack of food, rebelled against her and refused to obey". You may also wish to change 'the effort' to something like disappointment, despair or suchlike.

hurt, the reminder - a?

Her stomach growled loudly. - could add a bit here. Could be anticipation of the food to come, relief at the end of hungriness, anger at its neglect etc.

buttered french bread - not one for fancy bread, but shouldn't it be French?

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times - I'd either change this or the open-mouthed bit beforehand. Shade repetitive otherwise.

Even cheese and onion crisps. - either axe this or add a little (such as "...would be delicious.")

Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewhere. - I like this bit

s
wayed backwards - isn't swaying typically side-to-side? Leaned, perhaps?
 
Well I really enjoyed. A nice light engaging style that drew me into the story, and then carried on.

I particularly liked the opening two sentences, and the way it conveyed her hunger worked a treat. It really added a hook, that little thing that made me want to know more, while at the same time was amusing, especially as she rattled off her list of things to eat.

The end of the piece was just as much... I hesitate to use the term fun, but it was, with a nice bit of drama as we get to see a little bit more about her power, whatever it might be.

As Alc. said, I would have been more than happy to have kept going.
 
Thank you all so much. How is it that 'friend's' was invisible to me??? I'd spot it every time in someone else's work...:eek: Great nitpicking, and comments, just what I need. Because this is in chapter 4, we've already met Jasmina (Jaz)and Thorrin, and there's been a reference to Siobhan's addiction to plain chocolate digestives, especially when a term deadline is coming up... At my current rate I figure I'll finish this book in about 2014...
 
Bugger. It's nowhere near lunchtime and you've made me ravenously hungry (and not a crisp in the house)...

Congrats on the 4,000th!!

You've had nit-picks, so I'll forbear, and go for the overview. I liked it, good voice, funny, and smooth, though a touch of pruning perhaps wouldn't hurt, as the repetition of being hungry got a tad too much. But she collapsed, she's been out of it for 15** solid hours, the two friends are worried to death, and no one's thought to get a doctor in? They watched her perform with superhuman strength, and her eyes glowed bright green and they're not totally freaked out? For me, they seem to be accepting it all a bit too calmly. At the moment they also seem indistinguishable, so even in a short scene like this, I'd have liked a bit more individuality in their reactions.

Does anyone else but these three and the townies know about the throwing? If the rugby team saw anything, I'd expect there to have been a lot more ruckus about what she'd done -- talk, phone calls to the local press etc. Even if not, I'd expect the townies to do something, so I do hope there are consequences arising from this and the press or police get involved in some way.

The geography, by the way (or do I mean topography?) -- house, hedge, pavement, road, pavement, tow-path and canal? No barrier between the road and the canal? Isn't that a bit dangerous? It's just if there is a barrier (where I grew up, there was a slope of trees), then how did the townie's mate know where he had landed and how did he get there quickly enough to fish him out?

Anyway, good job. Well done.


** Just realised I may have misunderstood that 3.30 and in fact it's am, not pm as I assumed, and she's only been out 3+ hours. If that's the case, perhaps more of a clue about it being the middle of the night (the dressing gown alone wasn't enough for me in a quick read -- they're students after all!). I'd still want the other two to be panicky enough to have thought about getting a doctor for her, though, and for this to be made clear somewhere.
 
When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate digestive biscuits. She was weak in her arms and legs, and her stomach felt like it had collapsed and stuck to itself on the inside. She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her. She groaned with the effort. - Just in red, I had to re-read as it pulled me up and it still does. Might just be me.

The side of my bed? What am I doing here? In red - Would that be a question or a statement followed by a question? The side of my bed! What am I doing here? I can’t decide.

Siobhan’s head was muzzy. and Filled with cotton wool. She had to get something to eat. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way and she sat back on the bed heavily. Muzzy? I’ve heard of fuzzy before, but never muzzy, not that it matters much. I’d have used “and” and linked here too.

“I gotta eat something,” she said. Repeating food, granted however food is key in this section.

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and then shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps. – Too many Thorrin’s here.

After the third plate of carbohydrates, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out. “What time is it?” she/Siobhan asked.


“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”


There were a lot of short choppy sentences used at the start. For me, it felt too choppy in places but as this didn’t carry on later it’s clear that it’s a deliberate style choice. I can easily live with this as it reflects the characters mind and hungry state. It also shows a very clever change in pace through the section that I liked a lot – noted for future use by me.
A little heavy on the name use considering there are only three of them, you might want to review.
Otherwise, a very nice light read that keeps drawing me on and I’d got to the end before I even knew it. A clear page turner. Very enjoyable.
Lots of 000’s recently and well done you too for uncontrollable posting. It was nice to see some of your stuff and I really liked it.

Just seen Springs "then" and a habit I've had to work on too. They breed, the buggers.
 
Thanks TJ and Bowler 1 (every time I see your avatar name I hear a voice: "ready player one" - the book is apparently very good btw, if you were a total games freak...)

Good point about the doctor/medical intervention. It is 3am, should have thrown in some darkness... Yes it was just the five of them - two townies and the three girls at the front door. The police do come round next day, but they manage to laugh off the ridiculous idea a girl could throw a grown man like that. Second townie knocks a big indentation in the plaster with his head in the melee, so can't be counted on as a reliable witness... luckily.

I like the stomach sticking to itself! That's how it feels, sometimes, spot on.

(Jaz is studying psychology, and rationalises it's like the women who lift a car off their child, super adrenal rush, allowing massive physiological excess. But... Siobhan saw Jaz and Thorrin being assaulted by the townies, rushed to help and when one lashes out and hits her, the goblin blood is aroused, as it's February 29th... Oops, what a giveaway...)
 
Ready Player One - just read the review, I get the connection and yes I'm Gen X. I think I'll go back and order it now you've sold it so well! :)
 
Hey BM, I liked it. Well written, good dialogue, good hook - my only critique will mirror Springs with the emphasis on food. It reminded me a bit of how slightly old it got with Nevare in Robin Hobb's series with food...except the food fueled his magic so maybe you are going a long the same lines with Siobhan?

Congrats on the 4000th!! That is about seven years away for me...haha
 
I see you've already had various comments and nitpicks.
This reads well - well done! - and congratulations on 4000 posts.
It occurs to me to wonder how much a normal sized young woman would be able to put away at one sitting - hungry or not.

Have the house-mates seen Siobhan do this before? That would explain their relative lack of reaction. However in post #9 you indicate not.

People do often pass out at the end of a party :) The house-mates are not worried enough to call a doctor. Depends on how they perceived her passing out, I imagine. To get a medic to come around, they'd have to call her registered doctor, and persuade him that it was really serious. Or dial 999 and have the blues and twos waking up the whole street.
 
Thanks Ratsy and Cosmic Geoff. It's the first time she's used magic (completely inadvertently, and she won't believe it for at least another four chapters...), but using it depletes her of energy, so she is ravenous every time it happens. That works to her advantage later in the book when she impresses all kinds of beasties, by how much she can eat at the feast (and in defeating their champion eater, she gains respect. And a pot belly for four days afterwards... woman vs food, kind of thing). I do realise (now, thanks to critiques) that I need more reaction from the house-mates - might have to turn one of them into a medical student, even.
 
Or there's some reason they don't call a doctor, like they thought her superhuman strength came from stimulant drugs and if a doctor came, they'd find out and... OMG Jaz, she'll not be let into police college after she gets her degree!... and so on.

Which would make them appear a bit flaky, but hey!
 
Congratulations on hitting the great number. Well done Sir. Well done. I saw Judge's comment and I went to do couple of sandwiches before I hit the reply button, in case I'm also hit with an uncontrollable and mightely ravenous hunger.

Doesn't seem like so long ago I hit 3,000, but here I am again, maintaining the tradition. This piece is from my wip that I use whenever I have writer's block - fun to write, completely different, but after 15,000 words it's starting to take on its own life and I may have to start another piece to go to, when I have writers block with this one. Did that make any sense?

No it didn't, but whatever floats your boat man. If I don't feel up for writing, I don't do it. Simple as that, but then again, it's not as simple as that, because I usually go back couple of pages and edit/rewrite them before I hit the daily quota or an empty space. And to be honest. I don't seem to be able to stop writing even if I've threatened to do that couple of times as it's as impossible thing to do as it is for me to stop breathing. It just simply doesn't work.

When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. She felt a desperate gnawing hunger twisting her guts. It was so strong feeling that she was shaking like a last autumn leaf, when she saw a glimpse from a digestive advert across the street. But she was too weak to get on her feet, even though her stomach demanded on getting something... anything in it. So she had no choice, but to try to push herself upright. Only if they would had obeyed her.

"Damn," she fell back on the ground and groaned with the effort.

I am really sorry for a heavy edit in the opening paragraph, but the biscuit sentence didn't sit well on me. I was seeing in my mind her tearing the packet open and stuffing her mouth like a crazy, starving person. So I thought you should had emphasise the feeling and her desperate situation.

“Oh, thank God. You’re awake,” came a relieved voice. Jaz was there, helping her sit upright. Siobhan’s vision swam as she dropped her legs over the side of her bed.

The side of my bed? What am I doing here?
Indeed. She in the bed. So maybe you need to switch the ground reference away or keep it in to give an illusion to the reader of her being slightly off her mind.

“Are you okay?” Jaz brushed Siobhan’s hair back from her face.

“I’m... starving.” She struggled getting words out from her mouth. “What... time...” Siobhan turned her gaze towards Jaz and saw dark shadows under her strained, frightening looking eyes. “What happened?”
I struggled with this paragraph and I felt her ability to speak whole sentences were off. So instead of that I thought it would be better to extended the dialogue lines a bit more.

Jaz’s eyed widened. “Don’t you remember?”
Siobhan’s head felt muzzy. It was almost as if it was filled with cotton wool. Yet there was one thing she knew she needed to do. So tried again to stand up, but her legs gave way and she slumped back on the bed like a pile of rocks. heavily.
“I need..." she said. "Something to... eat."
“I’ll get it,” Jaz said hastily. “Stay here, don’t move. What do you want?”
“Black Forest gateau. Burgers. Chips, loads of chips,” Her mouth spat out all items that popped in her mind. Talking about food hurt, the reminder of how hungry she was. “Chocolate biscuits. Bread with marmite. Anything. Pleeeaase.”
“Just stay here.” Jaz shot up and rushed out from the room. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
But Siobhan couldn’t have moved if she wanted to. Her stomach growled loudly.
“Shut up,” she said. It growled louder, and she pushed her fist into it, to silence it. Her hands were shaking from hunger and cold pins and needles ran through her leg muscles.
Then Jaz came back with a plate piled high with food, and Thorrin in tow. Siobhan barely saw them. All she saw was the plate. She grabbed it out of Jaz’s hands and started stuffing her mouth. In went a a thick slice of buttered french bread on top, followed by three digestive biscuits that crumbled between her teeth and then got stuck on her throat.

Siobhan coughed and grabbed from Thorrin handed her a glass of orange juice. It went down in one and then she was back in Siobhan her attacked with the rest of the food; frantic to assuage her starvation.

Inside forty seconds, the plate was empty. Three samosas, five vegetarian sausage rolls, a pile of cheese and onion crisps, chilli with wild rice, and two pieces of lemon meringue pie followed the bread and digestive biscuits. And Siobhan was still hungry. She briefly considered licking the plate, but gave it back to Jaz.
“Is there any more?”
LOL :D
Jaz and Thorrin stared at her. Jaz’s mouth was open in astonishment, and Siobhan felt she should say something. When she opened her mouth, a belch erupted. An incredibly loud belch that sounded to Siobhan like a lion roaring in an echo chamber. It made room for some more food.
“Pardon,” Siobhan said, then giggled at her friend’s faces. “That was well brought up,” she added. “Shame I wasn’t.”
Jaz and Thorrin stared at her for long seconds and Jaz finally closed her mouth.
“You really want some more? Jaz asked.
“Yeah.” Siobhan burped again. A smaller burp. “Maybe not cheese and onion this time?”

Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and then shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps.

After the third plate of carbohydrates, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out.

“What time is it?” Siobhan asked.

Thorrin looked at her watch.

“Three thirty.”

“Three thirty?” Siobhan said in amazement. “Three thirty? What the hell happened? Last thing I knew it was almost midnight...” She broke off, puzzled. She remembered something, and then she noticed Jaz and Thorrin were staring at her. Waiting. “What?”

Don't you remember what happened?” Jaz asked her.

“Something... there was a problem with someone... Was it Rob? He did come, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did,” Thorrin said. “After that... what do you remember?”

Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewhere.

“There were some townies...” Siobhan murmured. She reached out, grabbed Om Gommla and wrapped her arms around him. “One hit me...”

One hit, Siobhan frowned as she touched her cheek. It felt a bit tender. Then her hand froze, and her eyes and mouth vied with each other, to see which could open the widest. She stared at Jaz and Thorrin in turn.

“I didn’t... did I?”

Thorin kept nodding as Jaz said, “It was like watching a man pole-vault, without a pole,” Jaz said. “Although I think he broke the world long-jump record on his way into the canal.” Then she grabbed Thorin hand on hers and asked: Siobhan gaped at Jaz.Don't you really remember anything?”

Siobhan closed her gaping mouth and shook her head solemnly. There were images. Vague ones that floated up in her mind as her brain switched into a second gear. now, even if she’d grated the box on the way.

“Was he all right?” she asked.

“Well..." Thorrin glanced at Jaz. "His friend dragged him out, and they limped off towards the town,” And then she added scornfully: "Right after you fainted, Rob and the rest of the rugby team came to rescue us,” she added scornfully.

“I... what...? I mean... I...”

“Do you remember me taking pictures of you with my phone?” Thorrin asked.

“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”

“Bright green,” Jaz said.

Siobhan thought she might faint again, and swayed backwards. Jaz steadied her with an arm around her shoulders.

“You okay?” Jaz asked.

“No...”

Siobhan burst into tears, and Jaz hugged her close. Thorrin put her arms around them both and they group-hugged, rocking her gently while Siobhan cried. She was shattered. It couldn’t have happened. No. Way. At. All.
I'm really sorry for all the blue lines. Your prose is excellent, really engaging and even though I tried my best to avoid doing that, I couldn't but to do my bit and edit things that I felt weren't right. What I noticed is that you're slightly struggling with three-way conversation and keeping a close perspective with the character. It's not easy. Not when you're trying your best to convey the hunger and the underlying confusion of her not remembering anything. But you got it down and you managed to write out a believable dialogue between three ladies.

Well done Mister B. Well done.
 
Well-done, please, Mr. 4000. Good switching btwn Narrator/character voice, and a decent description of a hunger-crazed human.
 
Yay! Congratulations!
I enjoyed this, though not as tight as I'm used to seeing you write.felt like you were reaching for thoughts in places. mostly where you say the same thing three different ways right in a row. But if this is your writers block goto peice that should be expected.
It decidedly caught and held my interest!
but some how felt like seeing your friend who always wears a suit to work, down at the salsa club in something loose and frilly. Not a bad look! just not expected.
 
It decidedly caught and held my interest!
but some how felt like seeing your friend who always wears a suit to work, down at the salsa club in something loose and frilly. Not a bad look! just not expected.


Wait... you weren't in Brighton, were you? At the dance-a-tutu-club?;):)


I like the image!

Many thanks Hopes, and J Riff. It is a fun piece, where I do indulge myself (like in a tutu:eek:) and there's no pressure on me to write it, but I have started to tighten it up, now I actually know where the story's going... So all the comments do help.
 
look i dont care what you wear so long as you ask me for a dance. I've seen you on the floor and i like you moves.



metaphorically but maybe someday... :)
 
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