[Workshop] Engage me quickly!

[RJM Corbet]

Well, I don't know your tastes exactly, but if you have any suggestions for me I would appreciate them.

I'm just not personally into that type of horror. Some people are. The Texas Chainsaw sort of stuff. Brrrr ...

 

[monsterchic]

I'm just not personally into that type of horror. Some people are. The Texas Chainsaw sort of stuff. Brrrr ...

I'm not either, but for some reason, I enjoy reading and writing about it... just can't watch it in movies.

 

[Flugel Meister]

I woke to the sound of shuffling. It was a disjointed but constant sound that quietly echoed its way through the house, accompanied by the occasional moan, grunt or laboured breath. Oh no. Someone’s in the house.

 

[Abernovo]

My two efforts:

With only moonlight to guide him, Andrew Carter walked into his father's study for the first time since his death, careful not to disturb the crime scene tape across the door. Police were still guarding the house. Taking what he had came for, he left, unseen, via the neighbour's garden.


The young Lieutenant took a deep breath before stepping onto the starship bridge. She had stood in similar positions before but never as a ship's captain. The Sprite was not a large vessel, being only a scout, but tasked with forward intelligence gathering, she was vital to the fleet's safety.

 

[Christopher Lee]

I waited, my knuckles pale and shaking with terror. Outside, I could hear the claws, the growling, and the agonizing screams for mercy. Blood began to trickle down through the cracks in the door, over its rusty handle. The door rocked wildly in place, and again. Then, the entire door gave way...

 

[AnyaKimlin]

@Flugeil Meister.

I woke to the sound of shuffling. It was a disjointed but constant sound that quietly echoed its way through the house, accompanied by the occasional moan, grunt or laboured breath. Oh no. Someone’s in the house

This could work well for a children's book. For an older audience personally I would rearrange it a tad: Don't wake up instead just hear the sound - you can get out of bed in the next paragraph, and personally I find Oh. no Somone's in the house a little weak - Someone's in my house would be a tad better - but something along the lines of Who the hell is that? or picking up a heavy object would bring more tension in for me.

@Abernovo

With only moonlight to guide him, Andrew Carter walked into his father's study for the first time since his death, careful not to disturb the crime scene tape across the door. Police were still guarding the house. Taking what he had came for, he left, unseen, via the neighbour's garden.

This is my kind of story you have me hooked - it's a good introduction to the character as well. Only thing is I would (and I know you only had fifty words) like to see it expanded it a tad, add more about how he sneaked past, have him see the policeman etc

The young Lieutenant took a deep breath before stepping onto the starship bridge. She had stood in similar positions before but never as a ship's captain. The Sprite was not a large vessel, being only a scout, but tasked with forward intelligence gathering, she was vital to the fleet's safety.

This one personally has too much information in it you could take longer to tell this instead of fitting a whole story into the fifty words. Like this it is interesting but confusing - why is she in the captain's place when she is a Lieutenant. One solution to that is not refer to her rank until later.

@grizgreen

I waited, my knuckles pale and shaking with terror. Outside, I could hear the claws, the growling, and the agonizing screams for mercy. Blood began to trickle down through the cracks in the door, over its rusty handle. The door rocked wildly in place, and again. Then, the entire door gave way...

Nice tension but my question is who is where?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

'Quick, I think someone is coming.' The first voice says.
'Crap! Better get dressed. We can say we are having a meeting.' A second voice whispers loudly.
'Yeah, because headteacher's hold all their meetings in cleaning cupboards.'
The janitor sniggers as he turns the handle, and opens the door.

 

[Flugel Meister]

Try this one.

Being stabbed forty-seven times had felt like hell to Jenny. She was surprised she was still alive and able to move, that she could still draw breath and see as clearly as before. That was the worst part – seeing that sickening, gleeful and twisted face. But she wasn’t dying. She was changing.

Slightly over at 51 words.

 

[silvermoon]

"There's someone coming," Polly said quietly.
"Finally," Patricia said, "someone shows up..."
The hallway door to the kitchen was pushed open. In the door stood a small, stocky woman with waist length, jet black hair. Only waist high to Patricia, but adult. Her hand dropped to her knife.
"And you are...?"

 

[kshRox]

The air turned solid creating a barrier between myself and the door. C’mon ol’ man, there’s only family behind it I thought to myself, not like some bugger with a gun waiting to blow me head off. Even so, it took conscious effort to lift my hand to the handle.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Good one.

Footsteps in the room, a whisper of air as the door opens. Closes.
Oh, gods. I tense, try to move. Can't.
A feather-touch, and I swallow my strangled sob. No more.
Nothing. There's nothing there. I breathe out, in again. Out. In. And then...
Oh, gods, and then it begins.

 

[Grinnel]

I stared at the little door willing something, anything, to come out.

This would exonerate my name! If it worked.

Expropriation of funds, they'd called it. Redistribution of priorities I called it.

My breath caught. Something moved. Out of the hatch stepped a little man.

"Are you human?" I asked.

 

[Stephen4444]

Therefore I'm going to set a simple workshop challenge in this thread - engage the reader quickly.

And to prevent people tapping into their own stores so easily, I'll pick a topic:

- Somebody walks into a room.


Additionally, you may write no more than 50 words to convey that tension!

If you feel up to it, feel free to post on this thread and hopefully we can all explore the different pro's and cons of the openings posted.

I thought I would give this a shot.


And She Comes

I did not notice her at first… I noticed the silence in the boisterous restaurant. I had the familiar feeling that I was out of place.

Glancing around me, I saw the object of my discomfort. It was “her,” and she had a blaster.

 

[Stephen4444]

Grinnel got my attention. I thought this was magnificent. As a reader the prose made me want to read more.

I stared at the little door willing something, anything, to come out.

This would exonerate my name! If it worked.

Expropriation of funds, they'd called it. Redistribution of priorities I called it.

My breath caught. Something moved. Out of the hatch stepped a little man.

"Are you human?" I asked.

 

[Stephen4444]

ksh Rox this was great! I am from the US and I do not mean to sound Ignorant but… what does “bugger” mean?

The air turned solid creating a barrier between myself and the door. C’mon ol’ man, there’s only family behind it I thought to myself, not like some bugger with a gun waiting to blow me head off. Even so, it took conscious effort to lift my hand to the handle.

 

[Kylara]

here we go...50 words is a nightmare for me, description is my thing :wink: but here it is

Eye Travel

The door opened, a great eye filling the opening. He swallowed knowing full well the door was only there for his benefit - the body of the eye too terrible for him to comprehend. Still he must go through. Hand outstretched, knife cutting through cornea, he entered the glowing pupil.

 

[prizzley]

The door opened, a great eye filling the opening. He swallowed knowing full well the door was only there for his benefit - the body of the eye too terrible for him to comprehend. Still he must go through. Hand outstretched, knife cutting through cornea, he entered the glowing pupil.

Gruesome!

My try:

We have all dreamed something similar; dreams are designed to keep public embarrassment private.

They swung round to stare as I entered. Only then did I realise I was naked. I did not wake, because I was not asleep. Nor was this real life.

 

[kshRox]

ksh Rox this was great! I am from the US and I do not mean to sound Ignorant but… what does “bugger” mean?

hmmmm, I'm from Colorado, but for some reason this character is a Scotsman with a colorful vocabulary. Traditionally bugger referred to sodomy however modern interpretations can be anything from an exclamation of surprise to either an insulting, slightly condescending or even fond term for someone you are familiar with.

ie. That little bugger Tommy follows his big brother everywhere, we can't get rid' of 'em!

I just liked the sound of it, kinda like Bloody 'ell etc.

That's my understanding anyway, however our friends from across the pond may have a more knowledgeable take on it.

 

[prizzley]

Traditionally bugger referred to sodomy however modern interpretations can be anything from an exclamation of surprise to either an insulting, slightly condescending or even fond term for someone you are familiar with.

ie. That little bugger Tommy follows his big brother everywhere, we can't get rid' of 'em!

I just liked the sound of it, kinda like Bloody 'ell etc.

Plus 'It's buggered!' = It's mucked up/won't work!

'Bugger!' = Damn! or Ouch!

I'd advise caution in using it to describe anyone, whether present or absent. Usage varies dramatically and getting it wrong may be painful, depending on where you are and who you're with.

 

[Grinnel]

I'd advise caution in using it to describe anyone, whether present or absent. Usage varies dramatically and getting it wrong may be painful, depending on where you are and who you're with.

As my daddy said when I was 4 years old and used 'the word' while watching TV in front of a bunch of clergymen; "That's not a baker, son, it's a cowboy!"