A possible prologue

[ctg]

The difference between this and the first one is that the first one had more emotion when this read very plant. So I beg you step into letter writer shoes and forget for a moment that you're a novelist. Can you find the emotion, the fear, the feelings and the memories that might have gone through his/hers head at the moment of writing? And can you convey them?

 

[crystal haven]

I liked the first much better, definitely more emotion. I felt it was a bit long, but I enjoyed it and was hooked by the last part. The second version was a take it or leave it feeling.

 

[Precise Calibre]

If you can splice the two version together in some way, I think you'll have it. Convey what you have in the second version, but write it as if you are addressing someone very dear to you, not as though you are drafting prose.

The first version had the emotion.

The second version trimmed to what needed to be said without spoilers.

Informal writing comes across in a very different manner than formal, on many levels. Use colloquialisms, endearing terms, slang, dialect even perhaps. Whatever you do, make it sound as though you are writing to a single person, not to an audience.

 

[Boneman]

Thanks again. Good points, especially about adressing one person in the letter, keeping some emotion, and then not talking to the audience. Version three will be hereabouts sometime, (when I've finished helping my son revise EC law... God, it's sooooo boring!).

One problem is that I don't want to give away too much who the writer is, there are two characters that it could be from, and I'm probably trying too hard to hide them (or at least, not reveal them). Anyway, back to Section 81(3) ECJ, and movement of goods...

 

[The Judge]

But at the time of the prologue, no one knows who the two possible writers are, and by the time the likely suspects have been introduced properly, readers will be so caught up in the plot (one hopes!) they won't be thinking about the mysteries of the prologue any more. As long as you don't give away any plot twists, I think it'll be fine.

 

[Langadune]

By telling you, I hope to make some sense of those feelings you experience in your life. Why the howl of a wolf never raises the hairs on the back of your neck. Why you’re drawn to the reservation Indians. Why Ancient Egypt fascinates you. And mostly, why you always picture Angels with long brown hair and dark eyes, carrying a sword.

I like this final paragraph. It catches my curiosity better than all that precedes it. If you had opened with this, or a variation of it, my attention would have been firmly grabbed and I'd have been eager to find out what this all means. As it stands, you build a sense of anticipation: "Ok, there's a big story here and the hero has been through something epic." But I think it has so much mystery built into it that I got a little distracted by my own curiosity. I even think to myself, "It'll take forever to get to the answers behind all this."

In your shorter version, the mystery is more pointed and maybe works better at hinting to a larger story without stirring up too many questions. Sometimes less is better. Without revealing too many of the details to come, you can stir up a desire to read on without giving the reader too many cues as to what lies ahead.

 

[Gamblor]

Hi Boneman,

I do agree with the comments made by Langadune above - get that hook in straight away! However, I have to say that I enjoyed your first post, you created some really nice prose and I felt like I had chance to appreciate the effort that went into them (it wasn't too long for me...). I'm sure the majority of audiences would appreciate this.

Perhaps if you could find that elusive balance between the first and the second, you may have that even more elusive consensus.

Nice work,

Gamblor

 

[Boneman]

Judge, Langadune and Gamblor, many thanks for the further comments, and version 3 will be here soon(ish). A tad distracted by a family funeral, which was one of the best I've ever been to, incidentally, as there was laughter from start to finish, which is what he would have wanted.