The Army of Idiots

[J Riff]

Thick n the Dead- another swell title. It's late, but the beginning of a story is very important soooo.....

Some people in this world were meant to do great things. These are the people who conquered the world, ( greatly)advanced the fields of art and science, and inspired greatness within us( - )and who were the basis of research projects by fifth grade classes around the world. Our story is not about those people. < like it better with the pythonesque one-liner here rather than on it's own line.
Our story is the tale of Bob Guy, a (blonde-haired, blue-eyed young) American of (medium height and a sun-kissed complexion). Bob was (extraordinary), not because he had (exceptional intelligence or exceptional strength), but rather because of a lack thereof.
a bit too descriptive ? sun-kissed like an orange.
When war broke out four years ago, Bob was conscripted into the fascist “Blue” army, his mediocrity and (expendable nature....)disposable disposition making him the perfect candidate for extended military testing.
Yea, me too. )

 

[Jay2645]

I'm pleased your using my suggestion. I'm gonna be away from the net for a day or so but I'll be sure to come back and read this. (In a rush right now!)

I can tell you're in a hurry, you're using the wrong "your" on a grammar forum.
Thanks for taking the time out to re-read it, though.

J Riff, pardon my possible stupidity, but I'm a bit confused as to the meaning of all the parenthesis. Are those indicating parts I need to remove? Knowing me, I'll probably figure it out half a minute after my deadline for editing this post.

 

[J Riff]

Just bits that catch the eye...can be chopped out or added in.
I bracketed all the description so it stood out how much there was in one paragraph there for ex. a bit much.
( they had flown in on) is redundant, chop-outable. The dash mark in the 2nd sentence - a perfect place, textbook sentence for a dash. And the one-liner is a bit early, and not funny enough, to be on it's own line, so early in the story IMHO. Notice I actually rewrote the 1st sentence. ( fields/arts/sciences/ it could go a few ways, up to you of course.
( Hearing) needs to be added to make sense, (now ? ) is questionable tense... (expendable nature) doesn't quite work somehow...
Have you read Harrison ? Very similar, fun stuff.

 

[Jay2645]

Thanks for clearing that up.
I read one Harrison book when I was about 12 years old (perhaps a few years younger), The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell, but that's it.
Harrison is my dad's favorite author, however, and he's been trying to convince me to read more by him.
I personally prefer Douglas Adams, and his writing has influenced my own moreso than any other author.

 

[J Riff]

Heh heh. Adams/Python/Goons... a fine tradition.

Harrison's military sciFi/comedy features Bill, a schlep from a second-rate planet who gets scooped up by the huge military recruiting machine. Everyone is called 'bowbs', and there's precious few military situations that he doesn't get around to - mainly it's about the incredible corruption of the real military - but very funny stuff.

 

[fruit]

you missed the one which important...

 

[dustinzgirl]

Its 4 am so if this is dumb, well, ignore it and tomarrow I'll delete it....also I'm to tired for proper grammar so pppffffttt... but...the quick and the dead is a western movie classic and this isn't really a western, so that kind of makes a funky clash in my brain.

There's a boogerload of awesome cliche rip offs that can be done from army movies.

Army of Harkness....you could even have bobs last name bee harkness....
Green Berets of Doom....ha thats a twofer....
Helljokers...instead of hellfighters...
Tru Grime...instead of True Grit...
An Official and A Gentledumb....

Yeah those are terrible.

And too much John Wayne. Who's real first name was Marion, btw.